April 22nd - Cetriya - Axiom

[cetriya]

I"m open for questions that comes up in the reading. I don't want to frustrate readers with my story, I want you guys to be intrigued but I don't know when it's too much or not enough. 

 

I'm really open for critique so don't hold back. Holding back will simply hold me back as a writer. 

And thanks for reading. 

[Mandamon]

Welcome to Reading Excuses! 
You say you're a new writer, and reader.  One of my favorite quotes is:
 "A writer is a reader moved to emulation" - Saul Bellow.
So read as much as you can.  It will help your writing style develop.

 

As for this piece, I have some general comments first.

 

First, run a spell and grammar check, and proofread yourself.  There's some misspelled words and wrong word choices ("my self" instead of "myself") throughout the chapter.

 

Pg 3: "viewed the graphic user interface, GUI, screen."
-you don't need to explain GUI to a SciFi audience.

 

You also don't need to itallicize names, or even nicknames, as you introduce characters.

 

Tenses:
You have a lot of mixed tense through the chapter.  Some is in past tense, some is in present.  Novels are usually written in past tense, and the tense may change between viewpoints, but for a beginning writer, stick to past tense.  Some examples:
Pg 3: The section with Stravo getting up is in present tense (mostly), when the previous part wasin past tense. 
Pg9-12: some of Mrs. Luwon's POV is also in present tense.

 

POV:
You have 4 POVs in 3500 words!  This is way too many to start out with.  By the time I got to the end, I wasn't sure who was the current character.  For a beginning writer, limit to one to two in the whole book, and you probably want to use one POV for an entire chapter.  Also a note, From her own POV, Mrs. Luwon would probably not refer to herself that way.  She would probably use her first name.

 

pages 6-13 have some confusing description and dialogue, and sometimes I get lost while reading. 

Some examples:

End of pg7: I'm not sure what "defenses for backup" mean or what Asara broke in the fight.
pg 10: "“Hi Mrs. Luwon.” Stravo stood up. “You can put down your arms and legs, Jeremy.”"
-I assume he's talking to one of the robots, but I'm not sure how it's holding both its arms and legs up

Pg 11-12:  Is the building quaking or the robots?  At first I thought the robots had tremors, then I though there was an earthquake.

 

  I know it's probably clear in your head what's happening, and this is exactly what writing groups are for.  Find out where you're missing some description or plot that confuses readers, and then go back and edit.

 

So that was all technical stuff.  On the story itself, I like the general idea, but need to see more from one POV to really get a feel for what's going on.  I get a strong Anime vibe from your writing, especially in the scene on the monorail.  This isn't bad, but be careful you don't copy

too much from that medium (if that's what you're doing).  You've also got a lot of future technology crammed into the pages, and you may need to slow down a little on introducing it, so as not to overwhelm the reader.  I didn't have much problem with the pacing, and the city vanishing at the end will draw the reader on.

 

I look forward to more.  Keep writing, and try not to edit too much now.  Find your voice--the only way that will happen is by writing, and writing, and writing.

 

Also listen to Writing Excuses (if you don't already).  Search especially for episodes on POV, plotting, character voice, and scene blocking.

[akoebel]

My main issues here are the tenses switches which made the piece very frustrating to read, and the POV changes who kept me confused. I'm used to strong POV demarcation, so each time I see what looks like a POV error, I stop reading, go back to the start of the scene, and make sure I got the right POV at the start. The best example here is your phone scene which opens with Mrs Luwon entering the room, slides into Stravo, and ends up with seeing what his girlfriend sees - she's not even in the room!

 

A couple of other minor remarks:

* Some of the dialog seems too much like a real conversation ("how are you?" "fine, thank you",... I'm caricaturing here, but look at the scene in the monorail - it's pretty much like that) These can be removed.

* For the breakfast scene, Ace knows who is in the kitchen, so she can think 'Dad stood there' instead of 'A man stood there'. Once you change that, you can still have Mrs Luwon being referred to 'A woman', which will show how much Ace despises her stepmother. 

 

I don't care much for the ending because even if it's been foreshadowed, I don't see what impact it has on the characters. I took it as a short story, so there's no resolution for me there. If it's the opening of a novel, then I'm fine with it.

 

 

That being said, the descriptions were good and the world intriguing. My own first story was much worse than yours.

 

Keep writing!

[cetriya]

"Pg 3: "viewed the graphic user interface, GUI, screen."

-you don't need to explain GUI to a SciFi audience."

 

I've had classmates ask me what that was, but I agree that I shouldn't need to explain it to scifi audience (most were fantasy and slice of life readers).

 

 

4 POVs

 

 I"m going to cut out Ms. Luwon's scene since she's not a main character but a supporting character and that scene was for world building. I'm going to change how I re introduce the government building. 

 

Its kinda hard how to do this with prose only. I"m drawing from film and comics so if I was drawing this out, every time to switch POV of character like that phone scene with Stravo and Choli it would have a lot of cuts. How do you write this? I want to add tension with Choli noticing the sliding items at the cafe. This is because the area affected by the quakes isn't where Stravo and Luwon works at. 

 

 

"I get a strong Anime vibe from your writing, especially in the scene on the monorail.  This isn't bad, but be careful you don't copy

too much from that medium (if that's what you're doing). "

 

Not currently. I haven't watched an anime in over 5 years now and before then, was pretty sporadic after highschool (still love the drawing style, mostly late 80s to early 2000's) . My main influence right now are genre TV shows and movies. I don't like how I ended that monorail scene but I'm leaving it there until I understand Choli's character more. 

 

"You've also got a lot of future technology crammed into the pages, and you may need to slow down a little on introducing it, so as not to overwhelm the reader. "

 

what tech are you referring too? Most of the tech we have some version of it, robotics, tablets, virtual games, monorail, cars (not hover cars). Let me know so I can expand on them. 

 

" For the breakfast scene, Ace knows who is in the kitchen, so she can think 'Dad stood there' instead of 'A man stood there'. Once you change that, you can still have Mrs Luwon being referred to 'A woman', which will show how much Ace despises her stepmother."

 

I've been getting a lot of frustrated comments about this scene.Neither Mr  nor Mrs. Luwon are biological parents to Stravo and Asara. I try to slowly build characters through their interactions. Stravo doesn't call neither of them Mom or Dad since he was old enough to remember his real parents. Asara has taken a liking to Mr. Luwon so calles him Dad. I don't think its just my horrible sense of tenses that made it annoying to read. So any tips on this?

 

"I don't care much for the ending because even if it's been foreshadowed, I don't see what impact it has on the characters. I took it as a short story, so there's no resolution for me there. If it's the opening of a novel, then I'm fine with it."

 

No conflict happen for it to be a short story, so yeah its only ch.1 of a novel. 

 

Thanks for your comments. I leaving this for a few more days before I go back and edit since its still fresh in my mind. 

[Mandamon]

On POVs:

I think it would be better with Ms. Luwon cut.  That leaves you still with 3 POVS, which may be too much.  I thought the phone scene with Choli actually worked well.  I got the sense she was shaken up and at the scene of a quake.  You could try to cut out some POVs by describing what another character notices about them. You don't have to give every emotion for every character.  Often what you don't say is as important as what you do.  In contrast to film and comics, in writing it's often better to give hints and let the reader's imagination fill in the blanks.  It's a more subtle medium.

As a last point, I think this chapter was so scattered because the viewpoints were so short.  If you combined a couple to make them twice as long, then it would be easier to keep track of them.

 

On technology:

Looking back, I think I was more interested in the cultural part of the technology, instead of meaning you had too much.  Yes, I can understand robots, fighting games, and monorails, but why?  Why are robots used?  Is there no unemployment?  Are the fighting robots that Mel and Ace use virtual or real?  They're trading and using parts, so I assumed it was some sort of power armor, but I didn't get a clear picture.
Obviously you don't need to explain all this in the first chapter, but it seemed like a lot was thrown in for the sake of being futuristic.  If you haven't thought about the above points, maybe have a reason for why that technology exists.  It will make your setting more vibrant and real.