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Reading Excuses - 4/15/13 - AdolinsGirloftheWeek - Slumber Chapter 1


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This is the first chapter of my novel, Slumber, a fairytale reworking with a more Sword and Sorcery-ish spin to it. Should be Upper YA in general tone, with little controversial subject matter besides moderate fantasy violence.
I'd love your thoughts on voice and how you feel about the plot being set up/central conflict especially, as well as anything else that strikes your mind.
 
Thanks!
 

AGW

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Hi!

 

I won't go into minutiae, but instead focus on your reveal. You don't really need the minutiae anyhow. Your prose and description are fine. 

 

The problem with this chapter is that your character is incredibly passive. And even when it became clear that this was a necessity of her not really being there, we still have a whole seven pages of a point of view who is in the first person, who this is the reader's first introduction to-- and she is just watching other people doing things. 

 

And that's not good for an opening. 


I understand what you're trying to pull off, but I think you would be better served setting up your main character before doing something clever. 

 

Your character can dreamwalk and she set this thing up. This was apparently very hard and dangerous. Why not start with that first? I'm reminded of the opening scene from NK Jemisin's The Shadowed Sun, where her main character is finding someone's soul stuck inside their dying body so that they can be magically healed. There, we get through the opening who the character is, what she can do, and why she's doing it. To be fair, we get that here too, but not until we are simply told these things in the final paragraph after the character has been nearly absent the whole chapter. 

 

Once we know that Phytia can walk through dreams, you can do this scene, introduce ALL these people (and there are lot of people for a first chapter) but have her be more participatory because the reader knows what's up.

 

Maybe things start to go bad, but she can't do anything because she's not there. She's shouting at people, but they can't hear here. Maybe while she's keeping an eye on this meeting, something is happening on her end in a way that splits her attention (I don't know how your magic works yet). 

 

Without the clever twist, which isn't enough to undue that you're point of view character is so passive the first scene of your book, you can manage this scene differently. I think you might be better off doing away with this meeting and these other characters and really sink your teeth into your main character, her problems, and her decisions in the first chapter. 

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I have pretty much the same response as Yados, but I'll post it anyway:

 

I wrote this in the order I read it...

You have an interesting magicsystem and world.  I like the eye-color determining who does what.  Your prose is generally fine.  As Yados says, it's more the definition of the story you need to work on.

This reminds me almost of a game set up, giving out a quest.  "Here's the land of XY, populated by Z, and now you have to go save AA from BB."  (note: I think that works with the eventual reveal, but it makes the beginning weaker.)

The problem is your main character doesn't actually do anything.  She/he watches, and I don't get any description or name, or even gender.  It's almost as if Niko is the main character.

And the ending.  Hmm...I didn't get the twist at all, except that the main character did not interact and was only an obsever.  There weren't any clues that the observer was the princess except at the beginning, and I would only go back to read that part once I got to the twist at the end.


It certainly draws the reader in by making them wonder what is going on, but it makes the story weaker by then revealing the first chapter as a set-up.  From this point on, is Pythia going to be a main character?  I don't see how the story could be told from her viewpoint, unless she is dreamwalking the whole time, and then she doesn't have any interaction with others.
If Talvin is the main character, then his involvement is already revealed as a machination of the princess, thus lessening the effect of his own choices.

I'm interested to see more of this, but I'd be aware that this trick will only work once.  Past that, you have to have a good, solid story foundation, with some more work coming on how to start it.
 

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Thanks to you both! These are incredibly helpful critiques, and I really appreciate you taking the time to do them.

 

Believe it or not, Ashera (the quiet desert girl) is the protagonist, with Talvin as the secondary protagonist. Pythia influencing their actions does affect the power of their choices at first, but eventually they discover her non-corporeal presence hanging about, and things get a little more complicated.

 

I wanted to go for a Great Gatsby/The Book Thief feel, where the narrator is involved in the circumstances and does have a growth arc of his own, but does not ultimately drive the main action of the story. (Though this story is definitely not on the scale of either of those books.)

 

Based on my outlines and scenes I've written so far, Pythia soon starts entering Ashera and Talvin's heads, where her PoV is more limited, since she is sharing their senses (though she can also hear the thoughts of whoever she's occupying at the time). 

 

I wrote this first chapter because I thought it would be the most clear way to establish the magic system and Pythia's own character, but I realize now that the twist kind of undermines that second point, and also, there are so many people and concepts introduced that it feels a bit overwhelming.

 

So knowing this, and looking at your critiques, my thoughts are just to discard most of the first chapter, and start with Pythia entering Ashera's head while she's trying to escape Niko Silverwing's supply wagon. That gives Pythia some action she can take right away, but also better establishes Ashera as the protagonist, and provides action that is more narrow and focused.

 

Alternatively, I could just rework the first chapter without the twist, then maybe label it "Prologue" or something so it doesn't promise a protagonist it can't keep. ;)

 

I'm leaning towards the first option, but I would love your thoughts!

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AGW,

 

I just finally had the chance to read your chapter, I enjoyed it.  Just to be upfront, my background is in the military and IT and I am just starting to write so please take anything I say with a grain of salt.

 

I personally didnt have a problem with the Pythia being the POV and not being active to the action.  Though I might put her on a balcony instead of the ground floor.  Most old churches and or public halls would have had a balcony or 2 which would lend more to her just watching the action than being involved in it as you would be if you were on the ground floor.  Also for the reveal didnt really have much of an impact on me.  Though I do like the line about arranging your own rescue.

 

My problem was that in the beginning it seemed too friendly of a gathering.  Then having the mood change as Silverwing makes the case on how they shouldnt trust Talvin.  If they wouldnt trust an outsider why would they trust each other to not cut each others throat for a big enough payout.  (Im thinking something like Batman, where the Joker kills off each of his accomplices for a bigger reward for himself)  Or even kill another team that is competing against their livelihood.

 

Another small issue the prince Talvin seems to fold way too easily.  If he is a prince he should have experiences giving speeches and participating in debates.  Even if he has not he surely would have had a tutor.  He has no counter points and does not defend his position, he just folds and stammers.  And when walking off the stage, looking crushed, I would have hoped that his tutor did a better job of teaching him how to hold himself, even looking royal in defeat.  Make sense?

 

Lastly, I personally dont think a bodyguard would have been so far away,  perhaps take a look at any president's bodyguards movements in relation to the president or there is a really good autobiography on the man that was Churchill's bodyguard.  Called "Churchill's Bodyguard".  This might be helpful to you to better write Ashera.

 

I hope this helps.

~ShinNoir

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I don't mind seeing an inactive narrator as long as there is someone stirring up the action (a Watson character can work well). It only requires that you establish early on this is not the protagonist - which means giving up on the ending twist.

 

For the twist itself, I didn't see it coming. I went back to the beginning after and saw the first paragraph. Everything is pretty much there, but since it's in the first paragraph, I couldn't understand it. When a reader begins a story, he doesn't have bearings yet, so unless the first sentences are so strong they'll be remembered, pretty much everything you put early gets dismissed. If you want to foreshadow something, I'd suggest putting it a few pages later, once the reader is set in. Brandon also often says you have to foreshadow like 3 times if you want something to stick in the reader's mind.

 

Some of the setting feels a bit too much D&D (who actually talks about quests for a living?). I think it's only a word-choice problem there, but I'd be weary about things like these.

 

Aside from that, I enjoyed the humorous voice quite a lot.

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ShinNoir and akoebel, thank you! I really appreciate your critiques. I'm going to scrap this as the first chapter, but I know I will circle back to this scene at some point, so these comments are extremely helpful.

 

Akoebel, agreed on giving up the ending twist! As fun as it seemed, I can see the disadvantages better now. And thanks for the Brandon wisdom - he always has such good points. I'll try softening the D&D feel too. I have this unfortunate addiction to the word "quest," I'm starting to realize. So glad you liked the voice!

 

ShinNoir, I'll check out "Churchhill's Bodyguard." Sounds like a good read. I'm already head-desking at putting Ashera so far away from Talvin. And I appreciate your point about the gathering seeming too friendly. Given what happens next, the friendliness seems even more out of place - I'll work on fixing that.

 

As for Talvin, he's the fourth son, so he managed to shirk his academic lessons a fair amount. He's all right at speeches, but he's terrible at arguing with people, which will be something he'll have to work in the course of the story. I'll try to tweak the wording a bit to soften it though, maybe get rid of "crushed" and all that.

 

(sorry to everyone in this thread for the long responses to critiques - it's just an easy way for me to keep track of how I'm addressing each story problem).

 

Thanks again!

 

AGW

 

 

(EDIT: Embarrassingly enough, just figured I could upvote posts - that problem has been resolved)

Edited by AdolinsGirloftheWeek
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