4/15/13 - Yados - The Mortal Coil (v4) - Chapters 1-3

[Yados]

I've returned to this project, which some of you may remember. If you do remember, you'll notice I've made some changes. 

 

Firstly, I've nixed Coil as a PoV. He's still there, but he's going to be a bit more of a mystery. I liked Coil. I named the book after him, but where it makes sense to start his story doesn't gel with where the book needs to start. Thus, I'm making him important, but not the centerpiece. I'll probably change the title at some point. 

 

I also really wanted to keep the chapters short. They're not super short, but they each contain only one scene. I think this might be a crutch, but if it gets me through the draft, I can always merge smaller clusters of chapters into one. 

 

The third thing I noticed is the language. I did some writing in the interim and one thing that I really wanted to get away from was how verbose I was in earlier drafts. I did that a bit last time, but I wanted to continue it even more. It's a bit snappier (I hope) and not as fantasy-y. I was going for a more YA feel. You'll have to let me know if that comes through. 

 

If you haven't read any of my prior attempts at this, that's probably better for your sake. Enjoy and let me know what you think. 

 

(Please excuse my notes in chapter three. They will be filled in in a later draft. The chapter is included here, even though it has a little bit missing, because I do not plan to go back and add the things they mention until I'm done with this draft. It's a strategy I'm relying on to maintain forward momentum.)

[Mandamon]

I think this is much better than last time.  I instantly have more interest in the story than the previous version, and questions about the magic system.  Before it just seemed gross, but now I can tell it has some purpose.

I didn't compare writing styles offhand, but I didn't see a lot wrong aside from the couple small things below.
The character of Lyan is (from what I remember) also a little more developed than Coil and I can better agree with her responses.
Roa is delightfully hate-able.  I look forward to when she next shows up.  

Some comments:
Pg 7: essentialize. Not a word?

Pg 8: mid-tanness.  Also not a word?

pg 10: "he was draped in grey-dyed leathers with a simple silver pin-- and eye devided by a thin sword-point-- "
 -no space after the  "--", some typos

I'm all for keeping momentum going, and it's probably better to not nitpick over things on the first draft, but I also wouldn't post the section with notes until you clean it up some, or at least remove the notes.  Don't let the reader see what is going on.  It's too hard even for me as a critiquer to follow and give feedack on that part with parts still missing.  That said, I do like the idea of the shadow/spider who's going to produce (I assume) some horrific creature.  It works well with the blood magic and aocalyptic feeling I get from the rest of the book.
 

[AdolinsGirloftheWeek]

Hi there!

 

I like the beginning – though I might play up the oddly mundane feel of the situation even in that first opening paragraph. That’s the fun part for me – what’s going on is very gross and a little creepy, but Lyan and her father treat it rather casually. The concept makes me interested right away, and I’d love to see it even right in that first sentence, so the reader knows they are not getting a run of the mill horror story.

 

We get a lot of Lyan’s room, and even though it’s an interesting set of paragraphs, it winds a little slow – perhaps she could be searching for something in the room while the reader gets the info, like she is in the later paragraphs. It might lend a little more action to the scene. I think you also don't need to explain to us so clearly how the room characterizes her - it speaks for itself.

 

Just a heads up, I’ve also probably read one too many novels with female protagonists that have an early scene of the girl getting ready/examining herself in the mirror. Nothing wrong with it, and it’s nice to know what she looks like, it just feels a little cliché.

 

In chapter 3 the dialogue is very intriguing, but also gets a little confusing in the back and forth. I think this will be resolved judging by your notes though.

 

Overall: I like the concept, I like the world, and I think you do a good job with suspense. I wanted to know what Roa was like before she arrived, and now I want to know more about conflict she seems to be introducing.  I also want to know more about Lyan’s magic, and what exactly the All-Die was.

[Yados]

Yeah, I was so gung ho about how the second chapter wasn't going to be a mirror scene.

 

... and then it turned into a mirror scene. Not really happy with that. 

 

I might cut it and instead do a first chapter at the school, transitioning to what I have now as the first chapter to stand with some contrast. If I'm  writing in YA, finishing school is, I suppose, the more resonant opener for the genre. 

 

But I'm not going to mess with that now, just write the other opener, let the old one stand as in, and figure out how to arrange it the next time through. Momentum. Like using words that are not actual words. 

[akoebel]

Hi,

 

I found the setting to be very interesting, both for the magic system and for the worldbuilding. I thought you gave us a number of little details over the world history and such so that the story has a natural feel.

 

I was about to comment the same thing about chapter 2 : it's essentially a mirror scene. Aside from the cliché, what bothered me was the apparent disconnect between Leah at the end of chapter 1 (worried) and her at the beginning of chapter 2 (looking for something to wear). It's only at the end of the chapter that the worry comes out again, almost as an afterthought. I think if she is really worried, it should show throughout the chapter. As not much happens there, I think you can drop this chapter altogether.

 

Chapter 3 was interesting, but a bit confusing. I think some things are happening that I'm not supposed to understand yet and this gives a rather uncomfortable feeling to the scene. Now, being confused at this point is maybe what you're looking for (like an Erikson opening). If not, it might be better to explain the situation a bit better. I agree with Mandamon that the notes disturbed me, first because they were there, and then because what you said in the notes made sense to you but not always to me.

 

I haven't read your earlier version, so I can't comment on the differences. 

 

Overall, interesting ideas. I'd love to see more.

[ShinNoir]

Yados,

 

Let me do my standard disclaimer, I am a IT geek and by no means a writer yet, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

 

I absolutely loved the first chapter.  The writing in it seemed very good and kept me engaged. I really enjoyed the line that Necromancers are better than cats.  The only part that I had to stop and reread was the paragraph that starts with "Ghastly"  It seems a bit off with him saying the line but having the sensation leave Lyan's mind.

 

The second chapter, I was board with it by the 5th or 6th paragraph and found it difficult to get back into the story.  I just eventually just skipped the rest of that chapter.

 

The 3rd chapter, by the end I was trying to figure out what the main plot was going to be and if it was there I must have missed it.  The conflict is there but it seems a little odd with out knowing what went on in the past or where exactly its going to.

 

~ShinNoir