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march 18th 2013 - nm_whitley - The Slim Black Rectangle Chap 7,8


yankorro

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I see what you mean about these chapters...

 

Pg 3: the whole political situation sort of comes out of nowhere.  I have no idea what the Colonial Libertarians stand for or what the Frontal Strategy is, and it doesn't seem to have a lot to do with the story.  I don't know whether to root for them or not, or if it matters.  I had to read that paragraph a couple times to make sure I wasn't missing anything important.

 

The whole conversation with Hwan is sort of strange.  It reads almost as an infodump opportunity, and almost like we're supposed to be looking for a plot point with that character.  Not sure which it is as of yet, but currently it feels weak.  From what I can tell, nothing really happens here in chapter 7.  There's no real plot development, and not a lot of character development, either.

 

The argument with Celia is similar.  I understand how it could come up, and the motivations of the characters seem real enough, but the whole argument reads as forced.  Maybe it should have come earlier, before Celia accepted the "blackmail" bedtime stories.  Once she's accepted that in trade for eating, the reader doesn't expect her to argue again.

 

Pg 12: ok, so I was totally expecting this to be another story-in-story chapter, and it threw me off that it wasn't, although it makes sense as Dimas has just stormed out.

 

Pg 16: So the conversation with Hwan was important...  I think the whole political situation needs some more buildup in the previous chapters so it makes more sense here.  Your focus has been on the black rectangle, and then the story-in-story, and now it's switching again to political matters.

 

Chapter 8 does start moving a little more, but it's hampered by the setup in chapter 7.  I think chapter 7 may come across as weak because of the story switching gears.  By this point, we want to hear more about Celia's father and what happened, and we're given political intrigue instead.

 

Maybe combine chapters 7 and 8 and give us another bedtime story?  Although drunken bedtime stories probably aren't too good either.
The whole attack by the punk kids and Dimas' visit to his old home don't move the plot along, and could be cut.  We already know the state of the colony, and know Dimas used to live here before he went off to fight.

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Thanks for confirming my suspicions!

 

pg 3: the whole political situation sort of comes out of nowhere.  I have no idea what the Colonial Libertarians stand for or what the Frontal Strategy is, and it doesn't seem to have a lot to do with the story.  I don't know whether to root for them or not, or if it matters.  I had to read that paragraph a couple times to make sure I wasn't missing anything important.

 

Theres some mention made of this back in Chapter 4 IIRC but yeah maybe it is a little random. We'll have to have a look at that.

 

The whole conversation with Hwan is sort of strange.  It reads almost as an infodump opportunity, and almost like we're supposed to be looking for a plot point with that character.  Not sure which it is as of yet, but currently it feels weak.  From what I can tell, nothing really happens here in chapter 7.  There's no real plot development, and not a lot of character development, either.

 

The argument with Celia is similar.  I understand how it could come up, and the motivations of the characters seem real enough, but the whole argument reads as forced.  Maybe it should have come earlier, before Celia accepted the "blackmail" bedtime stories.  Once she's accepted that in trade for eating, the reader doesn't expect her to argue again.

 

Yeah, I agree this is totally the weakest part (so far anyway...) I'll have to make something happen in the scene with Hwan, as in something other than "they go shopping"...more conflict: maybe Hwan is more hostile than now, wants to recruit Dimas to the Colonia Homeland cause but not in such a nicey-nice way, at least at first...hell i don't know.

 

As for the argument, the problem there is probably just me writing crappy dialogue. i can probably tweak it without having to rearrange the story pieces too much.

 

I think chapter 7 may come across as weak because of the story switching gears.

 

Maybe combine chapters 7 and 8 and give us another bedtime story?  Although drunken bedtime stories probably aren't too good either.
The whole attack by the punk kids and Dimas' visit to his old home don't move the plot along, and could be cut.  We already know the state of the colony, and know Dimas used to live here before he went off to fight.

 

Maybe so. I knew going into it that the scene with the punk kids was going to get cut, but I was tempted to include it due to its slightly autobiographical provenance. One darling, to be killed... As for Dimas trying to go back to his old apartment, he doesn't really have anywhere else to go, does he? Plus, he's heading that direction to meet with the Colonel anyway, so...

 

Anyway, a lot of work to be done here...

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