march 11th 2013 - nm_whitley - the slim black rectangle Chap 5,6

[yankorro]

heres the thread for chap 5 and 6 of 'The Slim Black Rectangle'...

[Mandamon]

pg 5: the transition to the story is still pretty abrupt. The last chapter ends with Dimas leaving the room, so you don't get a sense that he's sitting down to tell more of the story.

I guess this is still the style, but I notice a lot of your sentences are short and choppy. If this is the intent, fine. Otherwise, it makes the reading jerky.

Pg 6: "but he was either flat ignoring him or pretending not to hear"

-I think these actually mean the same thing...

I think the problem I have with story is that it's such a departure from the rest of the tale. If the whole thing was like the sci-fi adventure, or like the story, it would be fine. It's a large jump to go between the two.

I also keep wondering how Dimas knows this story so well. Either he's making up parts to fill in gaps as he tells it to Celia, in which case it's not what "really" happened, or he's got some sort of memorized account.

Sorry to be so literal about this, as I know it really doesn't matter to the overall story, but these things keep popping into my head as I read and distracting me.

In the latter half of chapter 6, there is a lot more of "He said" and "your father told me," which sits better with Dimas telling the story. In the first half, there's not a lot.

Pg 11: ok--the lack of quotes is again bugging me. After more thought it might be the mixed prose and dialogue.

"Riki, he said. And, er, yes please, I’ll have some"

This takes too much effort for me to parse when you, as the writer, are giving direction and when the character is speaking. I think if you're not going to use quotes, you might separate the dialogue into a separate line by itself. Especially don't mix dialogue in a large paragraph--I have to read those at least twice to pick out the dialogue.

pg 13:

"At that the old man started coughing, and stubbed out his cigar in a big ashtray full of almond shells. His wife took the ashtray from him, saying, Nelson, you know you’re not supposed to get worked up like this. Then she gave Riki a stern look, the look of a displeased schoolteacher. This young man isn’t one of those."

-This is a prime example. The last line could technically be either dialogue OR Dimas' narration, and it took me several reads to figure out that the wife was speaking.

Overall your story and writing are well done. Sorry I keep going on about the story sections--I know you're following a specific style. Just trying to point out all the things that jump out at me as I read it--they're big enough that they're keeping me from paying as much attention to the content of the story.

[yankorro]

Hey there. Thanks for hanging in there with the story. I'll have to consider your point about the jump from story to story. My hope was that, being such a short work, and having such short chapters, that the reader wouldn't have so much trouble ping-ponging back from Dimas's Colony hideout to Riki's adventures on Earth, but maybe that was a mistake.

 

Pg 6: "but he was either flat ignoring him or pretending not to hear"
-I think these actually mean the same thing...

 

Very true...will change.

 

I also keep wondering how Dimas knows this story so well. Either he's making up parts to fill in gaps as he tells it to Celia, in which case it's not what "really" happened, or he's got some sort of memorized account.

 

Sorry to be so literal about this, as I know it really doesn't matter to the overall story, but these things keep popping into my head as I read and distracting me.

 

All is revealed at the end (it's kind of combination of those two possibilities...)

 

In the latter half of chapter 6, there is a lot more of "He said" and "your father told me," which sits better with Dimas telling the story. In the first half, there's not a lot.

Pg 11: ok--the lack of quotes is again bugging me. After more thought it might be the mixed prose and dialogue.
"Riki, he said. And, er, yes please, I’ll have some"
This takes too much effort for me to parse when you, as the writer, are giving direction and when the character is speaking. I think if you're not going to use quotes, you might separate the dialogue into a separate line by itself. Especially don't mix dialogue in a large paragraph--I have to read those at least twice to pick out the dialogue.

 

I'll check up on that. I do notice that sometimes it's a little ambiguous, especially in spots where "Riki said" something to Dimas or "Riki said" something in the story. The story is all written now, so I will just ask you to be patient with the pretentious no-quote version if you continue reading.

 

Thanks again ~NMW

[Mandamon]

I'll certainly continue reading, and you should also get some other opinions on the writing style (HINT to other reviewers...), as I've already said I'm biased.  Others might like that style more than I do.  I'll try in the future to only note new things I see and not harp on the style...  I think the story itself is very enjoyable.  I've certainly read books before where my appreciation for the story and characters overwhelmed any dislike of a particular writing style.