Feb 25 - Syme - Sweet Nectar of Memory Part 1 Draft 2

[Syme]

Hi everyone, all the relevant info is in the mail.

This novelette has been broken into two parts and this is the first part.

[Turos]

Wow!

I have to say, I am very impressed with the progress this story has made. The first draft had excellent plotting, but I have to admit, I didn't feel much connection with any of the characters, besides a little with Quaros. That has completely changed.

You have opened all of them up to us through more involved conversation, and with Sence's thoughts on what she learns and observes. Where I was intrigued before by the poquat race, now, after Quaros' explanation of the purpose of their honey, making it personal for him by the way he told it, I now feel sorry for their race and the bad situation they are in with the downed portal.

Without that sense of connection, reading was more like a history book, interesting, and with unique ideas. These are very important, but now you have added in the mastery of the other half, connection to the characters so that I want to see them reach their desires. I can tell that as this story eventually reaches its climactic point and wraps up, I'll be emotionally involved and enjoying the experience! Nice work, keep this going! You owe it to yourself, and to the world.

[cnr87]

I agree with Turos Stoneward. This version felt much more personal. I was glad to understand how Sence gained her position and affluence. I was also pleased to see the changes in the interactions between the characters. Everything seemed much more dire in this one. I actually found myself siding with Sence, when last draft I sided with the king. I really love the updates.

The only thing I want to point out is that you might want to put a small buffer between the conversation with Sence and Quaros and the conversation with Sence and Alina. It might make the conversations feel less overtly philosophical, which isn't for everyone.

I really really loved it. I think this draft, despite the minimal changes, improved the story immensely. Great job!

[Mandamon]

I agree with the others--I think the improvements are good, and give a better idea of the characters in the story. However, I would argue that for a short story, like cnr87 says, having three different conversations on philosophy slows it down quite a bit. If there is some separation or action inbetween the conversations, that might increase the pace of the story a little and make it more like the second half.