Feb 25/2013 - Turos - A Life Well Spent

[Turos]

This is a completely new work and not a continuation of my last submission. I found an awesome book about character development and I have started trying to use the techniques it illustrates. Anyway, I hope you enjoy

[Mandamon]

For a study on character development, I think this is showing some benefit. The topic is interesting, and I like the view of a man lying on a hill without us knowing anything about him, then learning his life story and seeing the same view with understanding.

I do have some issue with the way you show the character development happening. Because it's all Gan remembering, there's a lot of telling rather than showing, and the explanations become dry and passive. Maybe if you structured it so we see a piece of action for each memory that exemplifies that change in character?

i.e. don't tell that he's a thief, but show him stealing something. Don't tell that he's an untruthful ruler, but show a behind-locked-doors meeting, bribing his enemies. Have him weeping over the bodies of his wife and sons...

Because the first part is inactive, the second half seems tacked on and not as strong when Gan is offered the opportunity to become a star. With a more active beginning, we would be more emotionally invested in Gan, and thus more invested in his actions at the end of the story.

Overall, I like the idea, and it seems like a good exercise. Also, magic and gunpowder is always a fun combination...

[Turos]

Maybe if you structured it so we see a piece of action for each memory that exemplifies that change in character?

Excellent suggestion! *fingers start twitching to write*

Also, magic and gunpowder is always a fun combination...

There is no greater truth than this.

[cnr87]

Maybe if you structured it so we see a piece of action for each memory that exemplifies that change in character?

i.e. don't tell that he's a thief, but show him stealing something. Don't tell that he's an untruthful ruler, but show a behind-locked-doors meeting, bribing his enemies. Have him weeping over the bodies of his wife and sons...

I agree with Mandamon, I think this is an excellent suggestion. I would say also take it a step farther. Don't just show him doing these things, but show how he feels when he is doing them. This would let you see how he drastically changes toward the end of the piece.

[Syme]

I agree with everything Mandamon has said.

In addition, I think the story - particularly the back story at the start - suffers from being to generic. Gan has a wife and sons and a father in law and such, but they are all utterly faceless. None of them even have as much as a name. Then he becomes the leader of a faceless country and helps a faceless enemy invade that country for some unspecified reason. I just want more details there, something that will make the story feel real and tangible.

Of course this is a short story, so I don't expect detailed world building in every aspect, but you need to show us some glimpses of details and hint at underlying complexity.

What I did like about the story was the overall character and plot arc. I also liked the idea of becoming a star and I think this is a good example of what I mentioned above. Here you give us some concrete concepts and show some nice detail and therefore it makes that part of the story feel the most real even though it's the most fantastical.

On an unrelated note, I'm sad that you changed your avatar and signature. I liked your Link signature :/