1/28/13 - AubreyWrites - MoonStruck - Chapter 1

[AubreyWrites]

Hey guys!

Here is chapter one from MoonStruck.

In the prologue I had the PoV's of ALex, Rowana, and Elizabeth as they fled the moon colony.

This is a story that's geared to YA and it's gonna be more of a slow burner than an in your face action sequence.

Let me know what you think!

Thanks,

AubreyWrites

[Syme]

The major problem I have with this is that it doesn't feel the least bit like SF. If it weren't for the brief reference to the lunar colony, I'd sooner believe this to be set in the 1980s than in the future. Given that chapter 1 takes place at least ten years after we have a functional lunar colony where people even bring their kids, I'd say this has to be at least 30 years into the future, probably more.

With how ubiquitous computers already are today, I'd expect them to be practically everywhere in this story. I'm not looking for flying cars here, but at least show me in some way that this is the future. I mean, Elizabeth's boss even has stacks of paper receipts on his desk.

I like the overall prose and tone of this chapter and you do a good job of portraying the relationship between the siblings and Bleys. The two sisters are distinct and recognizable, which is a very good sign.

One thing that worries me a little bit is that despite the relative prominent role that Bleys plays in this chapter, we haven't seen much of his personality. So far, he seems a bit like generic good guy boyfriend #4728. We're still early in the story so this is okay, provided you flesh him out more in subsequent chapters.

I'm not sure how I feel about the long flashback. I don't really think it should all be in italics, I think normal text would do just fine as long as you make it clear where the flashback starts and begins. And long detailed flashbacks like that are often not a good idea. This one in particular seems a bit overly saccharine and innocent to me, but maybe you have to be a teenage girl to fully appreciate this scene. And then there's of course also the possibility that Elizabeth might not remember everything exactly the way it had been.

Another thing I noticed is that you started new sentences for your dialogue tags (things like he said or she asked). Don't do that. If a sentence of dialogue ends in a full stop and is followed by a tag, put a comma instead of the full stop and don't capitalize the first word of the tag (unless it's a words that is usually capitalized, like a name). If the dialogue sentence ends with an exclamation mark or a question mark, don't replace it with a comma.

"Here's how you do it," the forum poster said.

"Does it also work like that for questions and exclamations?" the confused writer asked.

"It sure does!" he said.

You said you were going for a slow build, but maybe it's a bit too slow here. Spending over 5k words just to introduce us to the characters is a bit much. You should look at ways to also introduce conflict during the first chapter or shorten it (preferably both). As it is, this chapter is pleasant enough to read, but it doesn't grip or excite me.

Edited January 29, 2013 by Syme

[Mandamon]

I think you have very pleasant and engaging writing style. Despite this being slow (and probably not geared toward me), I was drawn into the story just by the writing. That's good, because, as you said, this is a slow start.

I agree with Syme that it might be a little too slow. You know what readers you're aiming at better than I, so maybe this works, but I'm trying to imagine a 14 yo girl sitting still long enough to get this far. There's a love interest, so that's a start, but it's already somewhat developed, so there's not the excitement of seeing a new relationship form. You cover the beginnings in the flashback, but that section is so long (3.5 pages!), I'm thinking maybe that's where your first conflict may be, and you need to back up to tell that story.

The sisters are well developed, as are the couple minor characters. Bley is a little too saccharine for my taste, but then we're seeing him through Elizabeth's eyes.

And then there's the SF aspect. I also agree this doesn't feel like SF at all. Aside from the rocket in the prologue and the one casual mention of the lunar colony in this one, every part of this story could be an average YA romance. Part of it is the setting, although I'll give you some slack on that since you say this is a very small mountain community. Still, if you allow 30+ years as a minimum, I at least expect Shian to show off a picture of the cute new guy on her smartphone. The shop owner probably won't have receipts, and the "Old Chevy" will be at least a 2020 model. It may not be rumbling (with no gas motor). Maybe some of the SF comes out later in the in story, but thinking in terms of an agent looking for a specific market, you might want to put some more hints in earlier.

[AubreyWrites]

Syme,

First of all, thank you for the grammar correction. Grammar has never been my strong point and I really appreciate specific instances where i made a mistake and then the correction to fix it. This is HUGE! so thanks!

The major problem I have with this is that it doesn't feel the least bit like SF. If it weren't for the brief reference to the lunar colony, I'd sooner believe this to be set in the 1980s than in the future. Given that chapter 1 takes place at least ten years after we have a functional lunar colony where people even bring their kids, I'd say this has to be at least 30 years into the future, probably more.

With how ubiquitous computers already are today, I'd expect them to be practically everywhere in this story. I'm not looking for flying cars here, but at least show me in some way that this is the future. I mean, Elizabeth's boss even has stacks of paper receipts on his desk

There is actually a very good reason that there is very little "tech." The discrepancies are addressed in chapter 2 for why that is. If I can figure out how I will try and incorporate some hints into chapter 1.

One thing that worries me a little bit is that despite the relative prominent role that Bleys plays in this chapter, we haven't seen much of his personality. So far, he seems a bit like generic good guy boyfriend #4728.

I know he seems that way- much of it IS the way he is seen through Elizabeth's eye's. Bear with me. He will gather more flesh with the chapters.

Mandamon,

The sisters are well developed

Thanks. I am really looking forward to developing their relationship - like most sisters it's complicated.

I also agree this doesn't feel like SF at all. Aside from the rocket in the prologue and the one casual mention of the lunar colony in this one, every part of this story could be an average YA romance.

The way this story is set up in my mind is more like a 3 act play with book 1 being the first act. While part 1 has it's own story arc most of it is geared towards character development and setting up the second book. I think that's why it feels slow. I realize that to keep readers engaged I need to be a bit quicker in driving my plot which does incorporate some sci-fi elements into it but honestly this first book is mainly character driven.

I think I'm still trying to find that balance. I hope ya'll will continue to hang in there with me!

Thanks!

[little wilson]

I really like how much description you've got. It fleshes the world out a lot. I also really like the way the characters are distinctive (I especially like Rowana. I think she's hilarious). I also think it works as a YA, and once the sci-fi element comes into it, it'll work in that genre. Syme mentioned something about not being a teenage girl. Although I'm not a teenager, I am female, and I do still like YA fiction, even if I don't read it nearly as much anymore. What I've read thus far is intriguing to me, in that genre.

Now. For what to fix. I agree that it is slow. Very slow. There isn't anything going on. Not even really any questions that are answered that could've been brought up in the prologue. It's not necessary to have a story start right in the action. But if you want to keep readers engaged, you will need to at least answer some questions, or bring questions to mind or something while introducing the characters. I didn't see any of that. I came out of the chapter with the same questions I went into with, and nothing more. I knew the characters more, but I still felt like I was missing something. I don't want to be missing anything, because I like where you started with it in the prologue.

Bleys seems bland. Very bland. Especially in reference to ALL of the other characters. Even Keyes has more depth than Bleys does. For what Elizabeth is picking up about all the other characters, she should, logically, be picking up more about her boyfriend. I don't expect him to be as fleshed-out as Rowana at this point, but he should at least beat Keyes, whose entire appearance and description is less than a page.

Yeah. So, I liked the chapter in terms of description of the world and the characters. Excellent job on that. And that's enough to keep me reading this early into the book/first act.