Jan 28 - Syme - Sweet Nectar of Memory Part 2

[Syme]

This is the second half of my novelette. Let me know what you think.

[Turos]

Ah, now I see what you mean about fitting it all into a shorter book. The pacing in this story is fast, but that doesn't take away from the experience of reading it.

I like how you portray the story in first person, which is weird for me. Usually, first person narrative doesn't work for me. The way you explain everything, however, allows for a more focused experience without getting over-the-top in describing everything the narrator is thinking and feeling. Perhaps it's Sence's personality that makes it this way, but regardless of the reason, it works good.

The voice of the story is pretty direct: survive regardless of the cost. That's a good, strong voice. I would have liked to see a little more into the personal conflicts the characters may have had over the decisions, however, as that would open a way for me to connect with them better. Vasco seems almost too ready to accept the reasons given him for the deaths of the madmen. Even though there is no real argument against it, Alina was right, I would have liked to have seen the outward conflict of emotion on his face or in his body language, or through more argument, about losing the men or forcing himself to put his opinions aside to accept reality.

This story has some very interesting potential, in my eyes, by involving the alien creatures. We can see more of the viewpoints of a different culture for ourselves now that Sence is in their playground.

In the entirety, great work. I haven't read the previous chapter, but I can tell you have a good understanding of plot construction, and definitely conflict. xD

[Mandamon]

Not sure why, but I didn't like the second half as much as the first. I've tried to figure out why and can't quite--I've started this reply over several times now.

Part of it is the first half explores the philosophical reasonings behind actions very carefully, while the second half, as Turos says, is a survival at all costs. There's a disconnect between the way the two halves are structured.

Another part is that Alina accepts Sence's lies very easily, without asking for any proof that Sence has done the obviously nigh-impossible task of convincing Lord Vasco. I'm expecting her to at least prod a little to get more information. After all, as a paid wizard, her reputation and possibly life will be on the line (as we see later).

Last, the end leaves some things unfinished. This is ok for a short story, but I think there would be some immediate retribution for the Poquat forcing the portal open. Are they denied trade access now, or does the Marqis just let the people who have invaded his fortifications and killed his soldiers have free reign through the portal? I assume the madness is still sweeping the city, so there will be bad feelings toward the Poquat when the reason gets out. Seems like there could easily be more to this story. Your end point seems more like the end of the second act, where everything is at its worst. I'm still waiting for the third act, where everything gets tied up.

The story is still intriguing, but I feel like there's more you can do with it.

[cjhuitt]

While all the parts of the second half were done as well as the first, IMO, I also felt a little disappointed by the second half. On reflection, I think it is because it's suffering from the two-halves problem -- that is, you have a good first half to a story, and a good second half, but the two halves don't quite go together. From what I've been taught and experienced myself, this is often a problem of making the ending match the beginning, so I'm going to go back to the beginning and analyze that.

The chosen tool for this analysis is the MICE quotient. I know they've discussed it at least a couple of times on Writing Excuses.

The first paragraph of the story has a wizard appearing that defies expectations -- so is this a Milieu, Idea, Character, or Event story? Milieu would the wizard appearing, taking in the sights, and leaving in the end. Idea would be why is the wizard not as expected?, and of course that would have to be resolved at the end of the story. Character would be someone unhappy with things as they are, and since in the first three paragraphs all we've got is a description of the wizard that has appeared, I'll eliminate that. Event would be something that disturbs the status quo, and is resolved at the end of the story by reestablishing the status quo, or accepting the new one. Here, the apparent disturbance is the unexpected nature of the wizard. Since we have the wrong POV for a proper Milieu and this is a slightly stronger thread than the Idea, IMO, I would start with that and expect the end of the story to be when the narrator either is convinced that the person in front of her is reformed, is not actually a wizard, or is actually in an acceptable state for a wizard to be.

Of course, analyzed that way, the actual resolution of the story comes just a few paragraphs later when we learn that Lady Alina was summoned urgently, and didn't have time to clean up, or else (the unspoken hit is) she would have. Problem solved, status quo restored, hurrah.

Another way to analyze the beginning would be that the wizard appearing is itself the disturbance to the status quo, despite all the talk about missed expectations. By this interpretation, the story is done when the wizard is either accepted, or leaves. By this interpretation, the end of the story almost hits the mark, because Alina leaves (via death). Unfortunately, that wasn't actually the end of the story, and there were another few paragraphs of story beyond that with other stuff being resolved.

After all of this, I would generally conclude that you probably didn't mean any of these to be the main thrust of the story, so I think that the beginning is probably starting in the wrong place. A quick scan over the next few paragraphs gives the following possibilities for starting a story (note that they don't all have to be a start, just that they are possible interpretations for a start):

* Lady Alina talks improperly to the Marquis. That could be an Event, resolved with her being punished. (Kind of happens.)

* Alina learns that the portal is gone. Another Event, resolved with her either accepting it is gone, or a new one being put in place (The latter kind of happens).

* Alina insults Grendel the founder. Another Event, resolved with either her recanting, being punished, or everyone accepting that she was correct (the middle kind of happens).

* Alina doesn't know who Sence is, a potential Character story (if Sence was concerned about her own renown or reputation). I'll let you work out the details on this one, because I don't think this is anywhere close to the story you want to tell.

* Alina insults Vasco's wife, same as above.

* Alina bargains for how much she'll get for her help. This one could be interesting, and again resolve with her either being paid or not at the end.

* etc., etc., etc.

None of these seem to quite match up with the end as written, so let's go to the end and see what is being resolved. Starting from the last sentence and working backwards, we have acceptance of changed circumstances (good, but not a resolution per se), an acknowledgement of a heavy conscious, a reference to a new state (actually resolved earlier), an acceptance (the good cause), a reference to a new state (those who had died), and Sence setting out into a new world.

Two of those could be resolutions, the acknowledgement of a heavy conscious could be acceptance of a new status quo (Event), or acceptance of current state of life (character). Starting out into an unknown world could only be resolution to a Milieu, and not a very good one at that, since it appears to be starting a Milieu story instead of ending it.

Oh, did you see what is happening there? Your last paragraph is starting a new story. I didn't catch that before until I actually was typing the words out.

For the other possible resolutions, to resolve Event it would have to be the instigating event that causes Sence to have a heavy conscious, which doesn't match the story. For Character, she would have to have started with dissatisfaction over her heavy conscious or lack thereof, which also doesn't match the beginning.

In the paragraphs before, again going backwards, we have:

* Sence leaving behind an old friend

* The poquats saving Sence from soldiers (with an assist from Sence, in the form of fleeing into the other homeworld)

* Sence leaving her own city

* Sence being accused

* Sence discovering Alina dead (note we don't actually see her die, so her death itself shouldn't be a resolution point).

* The portal being restored.

I tried to only hit the things that seemed like they were resolutions to something, with the exception of Sence being accused -- that's a new item, not a resolution to one. All of the resolutions here, or at least most of them with the others being minimized, should tie to something in the beginning, and as Mary points on in WE, they need to be resolved in opposite order as they were created. Of this, we could say that Sence leaving and the poquats saving her are the resolution to her being accused, which seems reasonable. That leaves her heavy conscious as the outermost story idea, her leaving behind an old friend (which could be part of the same story idea), her discovering Alina dead, and the portal being restored. To properly mirror, that means the beginning needs to start with something to cause Sence a heavy conscious, something disturbing with Alina that needs to be resolved by Alina changing or leaving, and the portal problem.

After going through all this, the beginning introduced problems that might be resolved with Alina being killed (though they might need to be played up a bit more), and the problem with the portal, in that order. One drawback to this is that, while the problem with the portal is introduced to the reader (and Alina) in that order, Sence already knows about it, which removes a good piece of the balance between beginning and end. The solution to this could be to have Vasco spring the portal problem on both Alina and Sence at the same time, which also has the benefit of making Sence think on her feet and act under pressure, making the measures she takes more understandable.

The other problem is that she has a heavy conscious at the end, as a resolution that doesn't really match to any problem at the beginning. While I have a couple ideas about that, I'll leave you to work through this and see what you think, because I think this feels like I turned into a lecture, and I don't want to tell you what to do as much as suggest ways it could be looked at for improvement.

[cjhuitt]

I forgot to mention, as I was typing all that out, one other thing that caught my attention: Sence is prominent enough, and has enough money, that she should have her own guards escorting her to and from the palace, if not hanging around closer. This was brought home to me when the poquats did that function in the second half of the story, but they should have been there protecting her from the beginnings of the riot in the first half as well.