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20130128 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 4


Mandamon

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Hello all,

This is chapter 4 of The Seeds of Dissolution. Once again, this is a rough draft. This is the last of Origon's first POV, and wraps up the intro to the book. Note, for those who commented, Origon's speech is toned down. See how you like it.

I hope you're getting a feel for the universe. As always, let me know of any comments on that, worldbuilding, pacing, character interest, learning curve, and anything (words, speech, etc) that gets on your nerves.

Background: Having piloted the new capsule to the moon, and discovering a strange disturbance there, Origon comes back to the planet to talk to the leaders of the planet.

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I didn't like this chapter as much the previous ones.

The first part of the chapter was all right, but nothing much happened there. Could maybe use a bit of shortening.

I liked the scene at the gathering. Short and sweet and we have some rising tension with Origon discovering a suspect for the assassin.

I was confused by the last scene. Why does Origon suspect Rilan of being a traitor? Why does she attack him when he enters the room? Why does he suddenly become convinced of her innocence? Why does Rilan suspect the Mayor?

I guess the last one is unknown to Origon as well, so it's natural that I as the reader don't know this, but the other questions should definitely be answered in some way in the text.

On to the more positive stuff. I'm beginning to like Origon more and more as a character. His speech is also much better now.

Although I didn't like this chapter all that much, I'm still eager to read more of your novel and learn more about your world. I'm looking forward to your next submission.

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Wow, this is some quality stuff you have. I haven't read any other chapters, but I do have comments on this one, at least.

I really like the character Origon. He's a smarter-than-thou jerk who also knows how to mess with people, but actually knows what he is talking about. I like how he is so certain of the 'Drain' phenomenon when everyone else claims it preposterous and doesn't give him the time of day about it.

Something else I enjoyed was the way he could confide in a fellow Majus, dropping the attitude to talk as equals. These all make for what I think to be a good, rounded-out personality. He has flaws and strengths, some characteristics being in both of those categories.

I found it a little odd of a description about his hands dripping yellow while transferring thoughts to someone. I couldn't tell if this was some actual liquid, though I assumed it was really a powerful description of the glow or something, but that didn't seem to have an explanation, though this may have happened in a previous chapter. When Rilan's hands changed color, I came to assume it was simply a glow of power.

The only other part that confused me was why Rilan would rush out to aparently confront the assassin when Origon revealed his location. Wouldn't she want more information before jumping to trust his unexplained judgement? This wouldn't stand out to me so much if previously it is explained that she trusts his perception completely, though she says he lacks good perception later. Even still, some sort of particular facial expression would help clue me in to a hidden reason. It's a good way to show he has a way to resolve his doubts about her, but is missing something to this effect.

Again, great work! I'm not a big sci-fi fan, but after getting some connection to Origon going, I found it very enjoyable to read and would likely finish the book to see how he develops and the other characters you come up with. :lol:

EDIT: Also, magi in space? Brilliant! ;)

Edited by Turos Stoneward
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Thanks again for the great feedback.

I didn't like this chapter as much the previous ones. The first part of the chapter was all right, but nothing much happened there. Could maybe use a bit of shortening.

This chapter is a little slower, mostly because it's a tie-up of the first action of the story. The next chapter is a rather dramatic POV shift. Hopefully this one's not too slow, but it sounds like it kept you interested. I usually end up shortening in the first edit.

I was confused by the last scene. Why does Origon suspect Rilan of being a traitor? Why does she attack him when he enters the room? Why does he suddenly become convinced of her innocence? Why does Rilan suspect the Mayor? I guess the last one is unknown to Origon as well, so it's natural that I as the reader don't know this, but the other questions should definitely be answered in some way in the text.

The only other part that confused me was why Rilan would rush out to aparently confront the assassin when Origon revealed his location. Wouldn't she want more information before jumping to trust his unexplained judgement? This wouldn't stand out to me so much if previously it is explained that she trusts his perception completely, though she says he lacks good perception later. Even still, some sort of particular facial expression would help clue me in to a hidden reason. It's a good way to show he has a way to resolve his doubts about her, but is missing something to this effect.

Ok, so looks like this section needs some work. I need to go back and clarify Rilan's motives. I know her personality, but the reader doesn't yet. As to why Origon is convinced so quickly, these two have a long history, and he knows her very well. Thought I got that across, but seems I need to clarify.

On to the more positive stuff. I'm beginning to like Origon more and more as a character. His speech is also much better now.

I really like the character Origon. He's a smarter-than-thou jerk who also knows how to mess with people, but actually knows what he is talking about. I like how he is so certain of the 'Drain' phenomenon when everyone else claims it preposterous and doesn't give him the time of day about it. Something else I enjoyed was the way he could confide in a fellow Majus, dropping the attitude to talk as equals. These all make for what I think to be a good, rounded-out personality. He has flaws and strengths, some characteristics being in both of those categories.

Not to blow my own horn, but I'm very pleased at how Origon is coming out, as I write--to the point where I'm hoping he doesn't overshadow the other POVs! Glad you alerted me to the speech, Syme. It reads a lot better to me, now, too.

Wow, this is some quality stuff you have. I haven't read any other chapters

Again, great work! I'm not a big sci-fi fan, but after getting some connection to Origon going, I found it very enjoyable to read and would likely finish the book to see how he develops and the other characters you come up with. :lol:

EDIT: Also, magi in space? Brilliant! ;)

Thanks! I'll be happy to send you the first chapters if you want to/have time to read through--just send me a PM with your email. The magic/colors get explained in the previous chapters--they're only visible to Maji.

It's really a fantasy (shh...don't tell anyone...)! Seriously, though, I'm writing this as a fantasy space opera, because I've never really seen that before.

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This wasn't my favorite chapter. I too got a little confused at the end about the politic-ing. And his encounter with Rilan doesn't really jive with what I've learned so far about their personaliys and relationship. He is very quick to accuse her and then turns a 180 just as quick to believe her innocence.

Also in the last couple of chapters he about drains himself of energy first directing the rocket, then trying to contain the drain and then getting back home. You stressed that it would take him 'years' to recover ...but then when he gets home he's just tired. I think your magic system would be more realistic if he had to actually deal with the consequences of over extending himself. Would he really be able to go directly to a meeting and sit there for a couple hours and then perform ANOTHER bit of magic to try and reopen a portal without first recovering from the loss of so much permanent keliw? (sorry for the misspelling) What exactly are his physical limitations? You might not tell us outright but it might be good for you as the author to know. That way his limitations will naturally translate through your work.

Looking forward to another chapter!

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Aubrey--yes, I need to explain the physical limitations of the magic. I didn't want to delve too deeply this early in, but it sounds like it was confusing. I'll go back and edit later, but I meant that he had physically tired himself out by using magic so much, but he had also decreased his total volume of power by permanently investing--sort of like losing bits of soul. That's the part that would take years to grow back. I do intend to address this later as well.

I've already done some editing on the scene with Rilan after the other comments. Good points, though.

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  • 1 month later...

Yes, the speech has improved.

When Origon explains his thoughts to Aditit after failing to make a portal, she claims she's never heard of such a thing. That is probably in reference to the drain, but given the talk of the earthquake in the previous paragraph, I felt she was referring to that, and it seemed odd that someone Origon's equal, at least, would never have come across such a thing.

I felt the worry about Aridori came out of the blue, but since Origon isn't thinking about it, perhaps that can be forgiven. Actually, come to think of it, the part I didn't like was more that he seemed accepting of it by the end of the chapter, not that he heard and dismissed it right away. I felt like he'd need some more convincing.

OK, I just reread the last few paragraphs, and I see now that Origon was more agreeing about a change coming, not the Aridori stuff in particular. Still, I felt like this should have been a point of resistance for him -- things will be the same as they have been, and BTW do you know who designed the capsule? I'd like to have some tea with them some afternoon.

Other than that, I think it reads well, though I'm slightly concerned about switching POVs after 4 chapters (give or take) in the same one to start the book.

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When Origon explains his thoughts to Aditit after failing to make a portal, she claims she's never heard of such a thing. That is probably in reference to the drain, but given the talk of the earthquake in the previous paragraph, I felt she was referring to that, and it seemed odd that someone Origon's equal, at least, would never have come across such a thing.

Portals tend to work all the time. It's unusual one didn't (because of the Drain). I'll try to make this clearer.

I felt the worry about Aridori came out of the blue, but since Origon isn't thinking about it, perhaps that can be forgiven...

Yes, the end of this chapter still feels awkward to me. I'll be cleaning it up in edit.

Other than that, I think it reads well, though I'm slightly concerned about switching POVs after 4 chapters (give or take) in the same one to start the book.

Let me know what you think after ch5...

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