20130121 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 2&3

[Mandamon]

Hello all,

This is actually chapters 2 and 3, as I realized they were together the same length as chapter 1. Again, it's a rough draft. I'm looking for critique on worldbuilding, excitement in the story, and interest in the characters. I don't think the learning curve is quite as steep in these two chapters, but let me know.

Until now, Origon has seen the unveiling of the controversial Methiemum space capsule, fended off an assassin attack, and been forced to take the piloting chair. Next, a ride to the moon!

[Syme]

I like those two chapters. The story moves along at a nice pace and we see some cool uses of magic.

Nothing too terribly exciting happens, but this is still quite early in the story so it's okay.

One thing I noticed is that you kept italizising kelhiv. Is there any particular reason for that? It really makes the word stand out a lot, which is probably not a good thing.

Another thing which also irritated me in the first chapter was Origon's strange speech pattern. It gives him flavour and makes him stand out, but after reading it for thirty pages, I already find it annoying. I don't want to read him speaking like that for another 600 pages. It's fine to have a side character speak in a way like that, but when it's the main character it gets old quick.

I would suggest having double spacing in your manuscript to make it easier to read.

Overall a solid two chapters and I look forward to reading the next chapter.

[cnr87]

I really liked these chapters as well. You have good pacing and I like your character interactions.

One thing that bugged me is that the "magic" was never explained. I get that it isn't really magic (at least in Origon's eyes), but I don't understand what it is if it isn't magic. That's perfectly fine if you intend to explain what he means soon... but right now I'm in the dark on what the not-magic is.

Origon's speech pattern bothers me a little bit, as well. He's obviously worked with the language extensively in his dealings with the Maji, which should have improved his conversational abilities in the language. While it does make him stand out, I think I will find it frustrating in the long term.

You've obviously put a lot of hard work into your story so far, and that shows in your writing and the complexity of your world. I really like it so far and can't wait to see how it pans out.

[Mandamon]

Thanks again for the great feedback!

One thing I noticed is that you kept italizising kelhiv. Is there any particular reason for that? It really makes the word stand out a lot, which is probably not a good thing.

I never really thought about this--I put the word in italics in a sort of "hey this is a foreign word" mode, but looking back, if I did that, I should probably italicize all the species and house names and I don't want to do that. I'll go back and change that. Good catch.

Another thing which also irritated me in the first chapter was Origon's strange speech pattern. It gives him flavour and makes him stand out, but after reading it for thirty pages, I already find it annoying. I don't want to read him speaking like that for another 600 pages. It's fine to have a side character speak in a way like that, but when it's the main character it gets old quick.

Origon's speech pattern bothers me a little bit, as well. He's obviously worked with the language extensively in his dealings with the Maji, which should have improved his conversational abilities in the language. While it does make him stand out, I think I will find it frustrating in the long term.

Origon's whole species speaks like this...he is a POV character, but one of three. I tried to introduce little quirks in different species' speech to show you who's talking. Sounds like it's still not little enough. I'll tone this down.

I should explain this book was the first one I wrote, and I really liked the concept. I'm re-writing it from the gound up, not even looking at the previous text if I can, as the first time around it was pretty bad. Some of the old stuff has slipped back in, like kelhiw, Origon's language, and Species names. That's part of the reason I'm posting here--to weed out the old unneeded elements.

One thing that bugged me is that the "magic" was never explained. I get that it isn't really magic (at least in Origon's eyes), but I don't understand what it is if it isn't magic. That's perfectly fine if you intend to explain what he means soon... but right now I'm in the dark on what the not-magic is.

This does get addressed in the next few chapters. It's meant to bring up a question in the reader's mind at this point as to what is "magic," as this is not the stadard medieval setting. I wanted to show what the magic system could do before I fully explained it. Hopefully this works, or will become clearer as the story progresses...

[AubreyWrites]

I like the world building and I like Origon. I am interested to see how this story is fleshed out.

My main concern with these two chapters is the actual flight into space. Origon talks about controlling air currents for hours. How long does it take them to actually reach space? There is no air in space... I think I would like to see the difference in his struggle to control the pod in atmosphere vs space and then reentry into a thinner atmosphere. Also there is no mention of a loss of gravity and how that might have affected him as he is concentrating or his surroundings. Does he have an iron stomach that would make sudden weightlessness not a bother? Or does this pod have an artificial gravity- doesn't seem likely since this is a first venture to space and Origon isn't exactly thrilled with the design on the pod. But I suppose you could come up with an explanation.

I don't know why - maybe it's something in your manner of writing but it reminds me a little bit of Michael Stackpole.

I'm interested in more!

[Mandamon]

Aubrey--good points on the flight into space. I didn't want to dwell on it too much, since it's not very interesting having a character flip switches for hours. Looks like I need to address a few things, though.

The pod has no artificial gravity. They are strapped firmly into chairs until the crash, so I didn't think there would be too much problem with weightlessness. I should probably look that up.

I did think about the lack of air--maybe I'm not explaining it very well. I envisioned him as creating a force through the space in between things (i.e. the House of Communication, dealing with bridging gaps). This translates to "moving air" in atmosphere. I'll do some revising--might be good to focus on the transition to lack of atmosphere, as you suggest.

This is behind the scenes stuff, but I envisioned Ksupara as a very close moon, similar to Mars', so they spend less time in space.

The Moon is about 380,000 km from Earth and it takes 76 hours to get there, going by that calculation:

Deimos is about 23,460 km from Mars and it would take 4.7 hours to get there (Phobos is even closer!)

I put Ksupara 35,000 km from Methiem, taking about 7 hours to get there.

Thanks for the comparison to Stackpole. I'm familiar with his work, but I don't think I've actually read anything of his!

[cjhuitt]

I liked these two chapters in general, and think they did well without introducing too much more to the learning curve.

I would agree with the others on toning down the speech patterns. Something else to consider for identification among the main characters would be to have some item or two that they often carry or wear (unique for each of them). Necklaces, momentos, lucky shoes, and the like.

On the second chapter specifically, I liked that he was unprepared for the investiture that it would require from him, and that the ride and stop at the end stretched him to his limits. However, I thought it did go on a little bit long. Perhaps that could actually be improved by adding just a touch more length to deal a bit more with his thoughts and reactions to the events, rather than the details of how they are going.

The third chapter I liked, and in particular that they won't be able to stay on the moon after all. They'll have to find some other way to create a capsule, once they deal with the Drain, which adds an interesting flavor to the story. I'm anticipating that the drain either is a major obstacle, or more likely is an effect of a major obstacle that will play out in the story.

[Mandamon]

I would agree with the others on toning down the speech patterns. Something else to consider for identification among the main characters would be to have some item or two that they often carry or wear (unique for each of them). Necklaces, momentos, lucky shoes, and the like.

Speech pattern taken care of chapter 4 and on. I'll keep the tokens in mind. I think there's more of this later, but I'll try to bring them forward in the edit.

Perhaps that could actually be improved by adding just a touch more length to deal a bit more with his thoughts and reactions to the events, rather than the details of how they are going.

Good thought.

I'm anticipating that the drain either is a major obstacle, or more likely is an effect of a major obstacle that will play out in the story.

Yep.