1/14/13 - Esperzoa - Their Rosy Countenances

[Esperzoa]

Hi all. So this is actually my first completed short story. I'm great at starting stories, not so much at ending them. I apologize for any confusion engendered by my not naming the file appropriately. (I'm new, obviously.) It's the one titled "Their Rosy Countenances". I will get it right next time. I hope you guys enjoy the story!

[Mandamon]

Welcome to Reading Excuses!

I was intrigued by the story. I haven't read any Lovecraft, but have read other Lovecraftian stories. The second half seemed to capture that tone more than the first, for me. The creatures left me with the creeps, so it succeeded there.

I forgot the story was a note by the time I finished, and wondered why it stopped so abruptly--you don't say what Saidy's solution was. Only then did I realize she had jumped at the beginning. So I guess yes, the ending does need some more work. You have the revelation of the creatures, and the chase, and the loss of everything for Saidy, But then the story trails off, with no reconciliation. Saidy just jumps, having for some reason written a note. I guess she wants to tell the world, but it's not very likely someone is going to find a scribbled note on the side of a river.

Just off the top of my head, I'm thinking you want the creatures to actively drive Saidy to insanity/death. The way you tell it is very passive. They must have actively murdered her brother, and they were following her. Here's what popped into my head as I thought about it:

Saidy loses everything, sleeping by day in bushes and (actively) chased at night by the creatures. They finally chase her to a river, which then drives for to jump. You could even have her leaving bits of notes in different places as she runs. Maybe a third person starts trailing her, to read the notes (and thus give the story narration).

Not trying to write your story for you--just an example of what I meant about making it active.

Good story overall, just needs some fine tuning at the resolution.

[Trizee]

Hi, welcome to Reading Excuses!

(I haven't read any Lovecraftian stuff, so anything I say may be mistaken as a result)

As for your story, my mahor problem was that it all felt too rushed. You didn't linger long enough on any one scene for me to connenct to Saidy or feel any tension for her. You seemed to be writing a summary of events that happened- which makes sense because that's what Saidy's doing, but the result is that I breeezed through the stroy without caring much what happened.

There were two other things that bothered me about the story:

1) Saidy professes tp have no feelings for her brother- cries when she sees his corpse- then gets upset that she didn't get any money in the will, showing no feelings for her brother- and then is upset about his death again. Is it just me, or does it seem like she keeps changing her mind?

2) If James doesn't want Saidy to investigate the monster world- why does he tell her about it in the first place?

[cjhuitt]

This is coming in late, and I won't belabor the points the others made. Overall I think you've got the right idea, and working on some of their points would help.

My major concern is that this is written in note/letter form, but at the end she has been driven from her home with nothing in her possession, and she has decided to jump into a river. Yet somehow she has paper and a pen to write her note, and took the time out to do so? I know that the letters and notes and "found" items leading to a horrific outcome are a staple of Lovecraftian horror, but in this case I couldn't suspend my disbelief enough to go with it. You might want to consider just narrating it from her perspective, rather than go through the remove of the note. It would also likely improve the emotional connection for the piece.