Dec 25 - Syme - Sacrificial Rites (V)

[Syme]

This thread is for critiques of my short story Sacrifical Rites. It's a first draft, so I apologise if it is a bit rough in parts.

Edit: I just realised that I forgot to find a name for the poison which I named "X" as a a placeholder. Oh well, you'll just have to imagine some truly original and awesome name for the poison when you're reading this

Edited December 25, 2012 by Syme

[Haradion Drogon]

Well, this is actually my first critique of another's work, so sorry if it is not very helpful.

In all, a very good piece of Short fiction. I enjoyed it, as well as the priesthood you created. An enjoyable mix of Egyptian, Aztec and Others. I liked the fight sequence, and the randomised Sacrifices. I believe I read that it was set in the same world as one of your other novels you are working on - I have not got around to reading it yet, so this is from the point of view of someone who has not read any of your work.

However, I would personally enjoy a closer look at the magic system in the story. Simply shooting blue flames, force fields and *draining magic* seemed to be the only power, without any indication as to why or how this happens.

A suggestion would be to more closely associate these abilities with the priesthood. A "Prayer of Protection" could conjure a shield for example, but perhaps only so long as the chant is flawlessly recited in perfect pitch and rhythm, without stuttering?

However, as you tell me this part of a world you already have in place, such a drastic overhaul of your magic system is possibly not such a great move.

My only other suggestion would to increase the surprise of the final reveal. I had already suspected as much because of two things: The first is when Texcoyo considers he risks, he says something like "If she had indeed committed fraud the God's would forgive the crime". However, this sows doubt just be mentioning it, that she did not. Likewise, Texcoyo wonders what Ixlti's motives are. The obvious fact he has so much to gain made me suspicious from the start. Perhaps you could make the question of succession not a case of the eldest priest, but the most powerful? However upon killing her, he absorbs her magic, making him the most powerful priest - something he would not have been had the High priestess died of natural causes, thus making his motives more obscure.

The only other question, is why he needs Texcoyo's help in the first place, where most of the fighting seems to be between the two magic users. In my opinion, if you write a second draft, Texcoyo must be able to do something, or have something, which gives Ixlti a stronger advantage over the High priestess she would not have, if he asked a common mercenary for help.

However, in terms of the quality of writing, I have no complaints. It is an excellent piece, that is engaging and exciting. Again, I love the departure from traditional fantasy settings to a distinctly more original setting. Giving magic to the priesthood is slightly less original, but the gruesome dependence of human sacrifices keeps the magic unique, and rather grisly, much more fun than the common: Throw Fireball,

[Asmodemon]

What I liked most about the story is the Aztek feel of the setting, I don’t see that in stories much and it is, I think, the strongest suit of the story. Plot-wise not much happens, a sacrifice at the start and the storming of the priestess’ chambers, which, as it is a short story, might be enough but it still felt lacking. All though that might also be because I didn’t really care for any of the characters.

Characters: The viewpoint character is pretty bland and reactionary – he has to sacrifice the girl because it’s his duty, he then has to be convinced to save his own life by attacking the high priestess and then, in the battle, he doesn’t contribute much at all. It seems everyone has an agenda and is acting upon it except for him.

The high priestess is a faceless enemy, she has no characterization other than being the monster to defeat. Ixtli comes across better, as a manipulative bastard. The other named character is throwaway, he says nothing, does nothing, he only dies. It felt he only had a name so Texcoyo is justified about trying to kill the priestess, even though she struck him down out of self-defence.

Tavern: Everything always happens in a tavern, which is a bit of a cliché. This is compounded by the fact that the prince, who is now actually the king, can just sneak out as he pleases – if he can get out, assassins can get in, so in terms of security the palace is a joke.

Priests: What I found most interesting about the priests was that they lived for a very long time and can’t stand the sun, which made me think they were vampires. It’s never stated if they are or not, but it’s an interesting thing, a human society with vampires as a priesthood.

Magic: The magic is a little generic, with force fields and flinging blue fire around. I’m not really sure about the rules of magic, what it can do and what the limits are, and since it’s magic that resolves the conflict in the story you might want to flesh this out a bit more. The biggest drawback comes back to Texcoyo – there is one battle in the story and it’s the most important one, but he can’t really do anything and is relegated to the side lines while the priest first weakens the priestess and then kills her – though granted Texcoyo did hit her with an arrow, but her powers were weakened by then and Ixtli could’ve taken her with a little more fire.

Descriptions: The descriptions, for both the characters and the locations, are lacking. Now I understand this is a short story and you’re not going to describe things as lavishly as you could in a novel, but of the characters I’ve only got a clear image of two: the young woman who was sacrificed and the high priestess after the fireball. The rest are shades of grey, so I feel those could be fleshed out a little more.

Final reveal: I liked the ending, but it didn’t come as a surprise – at all. I knew exactly what was going to happen when priest Ixtli said he was going to be the next High Priest after they killed the priestess.

[cjhuitt]

I know you said that this is in the same universe as your novel, so I was kind of expecting the same Greek overtones. The other two reviewers so far mentioned an Aztec feel, and I kind of agree, but mostly there isn't much "feel" to it for me other than a pyramid and their names. The sacrifices maybe, but as I recall, sacrifices were common throughout a lot of the older world, so that didn't necessarily add to the feel of a setting for me.

Being first person as well, Texcoyo's name doesn't get mentioned as much, so that mostly slipped by me. Additionally, he was a "guest" of Sarkis, which sounded a lot like one of the Greek-style cities from your other work.

I'll agree with most of what Asmodemon said already, and skip mentioning it myself (and I would likely be less thorough, as well).

My only other suggestion would to increase the surprise of the final reveal. I had already suspected as much because of two things: The first is when Texcoyo considers he risks, he says something like "If she had indeed committed fraud the God's would forgive the crime". However, this sows doubt just be mentioning it, that she did not. Likewise, Texcoyo wonders what Ixlti's motives are. The obvious fact he has so much to gain made me suspicious from the start.

Final reveal: I liked the ending, but it didn’t come as a surprise – at all. I knew exactly what was going to happen when priest Ixtli said he was going to be the next High Priest after they killed the priestess.

I, on the other hand, was surprised. Looking back on it, I think one of the biggest things that led me astray was the mention of Ixtli as a friend when he was first introduced. Since Texcoyo had been gone for a while, I had assumed it was a childhood friend who had then become reacquainted with Texcoyo when he returned. I think this led me to trust him more than I should.

On the other hand, with just a touch of embellishment you could make it simultaneously a little less trustworthy, and potentially a coup planned over a long-term; mention that Ixtli had always been quite friendly to him as a child, even beyond what one would expect from a priest to a king's son. Then I'd question if Ixtli had been planning this for a long time, or cultivating possibilities that he decided to put into play now, or what, and that would draw me into the story more deeply.

Perhaps you could make the question of succession not a case of the eldest priest, but the most powerful? However upon killing her, he absorbs her magic, making him the most powerful priest - something he would not have been had the High priestess died of natural causes, thus making his motives more obscure.

This seems like an interesting idea as well. It does hide the motivations somewhat, and you could still have him relatively high on the scale for elevation, just not at the top. That way he'd be influential enough to be able to make his story of her manipulating things stick (as long as she wasn't around to contest it).

One thing I wonder about in all the motivation, though, which I don't think is addressed by the story: often, the religion and priesthoods of a group of city-states (which this kind of seems like) would be similar or the same across those states. Why, then, would the priesthood be as concerned about which son becomes king, and therefore how close they are to that other kingdom? It seems like a flimsy excuse to me, but maybe it is supposed to be -- or, maybe, Ixtli and the others really are scared, but not all of them enough to do something to the high priestess.

The only other question, is why he needs Texcoyo's help in the first place, where most of the fighting seems to be between the two magic users. In my opinion, if you write a second draft, Texcoyo must be able to do something, or have something, which gives Ixlti a stronger advantage over the High priestess she would not have, if he asked a common mercenary for help.

A great question, and kind of following on from my last one. Why indeed does Ixtli need any extra help? I can see that in this culture it would take a strong pretext to get a non-priest to attack a priest, which you've given, but for what reason does Ixtli need that to happen? The only thing I can think of was taking out the guards without magic, but surely there are plenty of other ways to deal with that. I would think that perhaps it was to also get the king-to-be friendly to him, but the ending completely blows that theory out of the water.

Priests: What I found most interesting about the priests was that they lived for a very long time and can’t stand the sun, which made me think they were vampires. It’s never stated if they are or not, but it’s an interesting thing, a human society with vampires as a priesthood.

I mention this as another warning sign. In your other story you fairly clearly distinguish right away that they aren't vampires (maybe in a bit of an info-dump, but it is there from the beginning). In this one, there is no such thing to distinguish, and the first-person POV can't exactly explain that very well, so it leaves the story feeling like the priesthood is populated by vampires who can do magic.

Regarding the first-person POV, I thought it took a significant chunk of potential tension from the story, given as it has the implicit assumption that the POV character survives (especially in a short story).

During the attack on the guards, why do they not wait a bit longer for Ixtli's mind magic to have an affect? Or have another pretext for separating the guards?

Also, knowing Ixtli's motivations a bit more by the end of the story, why is he close enough to take a wound once the fighting has started? Alternately, how did the guards get lucky enough to wound him? It affects the upcoming fight, but it seems a little unlikely, and may need to have an in-scene view on how it happened.

How soundly do the not-vampires sleep? They seem so close to vampires in this story that I was kind of expecting the high priestess to be so deeply asleep that they could more or less just drag her out into the sunlight and let that do it's thing. I suppose the way the magic works that doing so wouldn't be quite to Ixtli's advantage, however -- does he have to actually be the one to kill her in order to absorb her life energy? I kind of recall that from your book.

One last note, about the first notes. The focus on the sacrificial girl at the beginning, and the extra detail on her rather than on the other characters, made me think that she was going to be more important to the story than she ended up being. My thoughts were along the lines of the "feasted for a month" sacrifices, rather than having her be sacrificed nearly immediately. The details are decent, but put all together like that they lend more importance to the sacrifice than the main character at that point. (You might try having Texcoyo try to keep his thoughts elsewhere, but keeps noticing details about her that he would rather not, since he thinks it will be easier to sacrifice her without knowing them.)

Likewise, for someone who is only ~21-23, thinking of her beauty as in "full bloom of youth" is odd, since he is also young. It seems more like an older-person's phrase.

[Syme]

Well, this is actually my first critique of another's work, so sorry if it is not very helpful.

I'm honoured to be the recipient your very first critique. Don't worry, it's been quite helpful.

In all, a very good piece of Short fiction. I enjoyed it, as well as the priesthood you created. An enjoyable mix of Egyptian, Aztec and Others. I liked the fight sequence, and the randomised Sacrifices. I believe I read that it was set in the same world as one of your other novels you are working on - I have not got around to reading it yet, so this is from the point of view of someone who has not read any of your work.

I'm glad you liked it. Not sure however where you got Egyptian from. If it's because of the pyramids, those existed in many different cultures throughout history, including the Aztecs and other Mesoamerican cultures.

However, I would personally enjoy a closer look at the magic system in the story. Simply shooting blue flames, force fields and *draining magic* seemed to be the only power, without any indication as to why or how this happens.

I wanted the magic in this story to feel scary and a bit mysterious. Texcoyo is an educated man and understands in general terms what magic is capable of, but he does not have any detailed knowledge. Had I wanted this story to be about the intricacies of the magic system, I'd have told it from Ixtli's POV.

A suggestion would be to more closely associate these abilities with the priesthood. A "Prayer of Protection" could conjure a shield for example, but perhaps only so long as the chant is flawlessly recited in perfect pitch and rhythm, without stuttering?

However, as you tell me this part of a world you already have in place, such a drastic overhaul of your magic system is possibly not such a great move.

Sorry, not an idea I like and also doesn't fit into the magic system. Also keep in mind that just because one particular culture reveres these magic users as priests, does not mean they actually get their powers from their gods.

The only other question, is why he needs Texcoyo's help in the first place, where most of the fighting seems to be between the two magic users. In my opinion, if you write a second draft, Texcoyo must be able to do something, or have something, which gives Ixlti a stronger advantage over the High priestess she would not have, if he asked a common mercenary for help.

The main reason he needs Texcoyo's help is that it makes Texcoyo complicit in the crime. With Ixtli High Priest and Texcoyo King, they have both the clerical and the secular power, so no one can touch them.

I think this is not entirely clear from the text, so I'll clarify it in my revision.

The second point is that a mercenary would not be trustworthy, especially when it comes to a job like that. It would be entirely possible for one of the mecenaries to betray Ixtli to the High Priestess in hopes of rich rewards (in addition to getting out of having to commit the ultimate sin - just because you're a mercenary doesn't mean you don't have a conscience and you're not religious).

Characters: The viewpoint character is pretty bland and reactionary – he has to sacrifice the girl because it’s his duty, he then has to be convinced to save his own life by attacking the high priestess and then, in the battle, he doesn’t contribute much at all. It seems everyone has an agenda and is acting upon it except for him.

That's fair enough. I think I didn't do a very good job of conveying his goals and motivations, I'll try to improve that in my revision.

Priests: What I found most interesting about the priests was that they lived for a very long time and can’t stand the sun, which made me think they were vampires. It’s never stated if they are or not, but it’s an interesting thing, a human society with vampires as a priesthood.

Nope, they're not vampires.

Magic: The magic is a little generic, with force fields and flinging blue fire around. I’m not really sure about the rules of magic, what it can do and what the limits are, and since it’s magic that resolves the conflict in the story you might want to flesh this out a bit more. The biggest drawback comes back to Texcoyo – there is one battle in the story and it’s the most important one, but he can’t really do anything and is relegated to the side lines while the priest first weakens the priestess and then kills her – though granted Texcoyo did hit her with an arrow, but her powers were weakened by then and Ixtli could’ve taken her with a little more fire.

While Texcoyo is put in a supporting role in the battle, he did tip the scales in Ixtli's favour and Ixtli would not have won without him.

Descriptions: The descriptions, for both the characters and the locations, are lacking. Now I understand this is a short story and you’re not going to describe things as lavishly as you could in a novel, but of the characters I’ve only got a clear image of two: the young woman who was sacrificed and the high priestess after the fireball. The rest are shades of grey, so I feel those could be fleshed out a little more.

You're right, it's something I'll work on. Personally, I have very weak mental imagery, so when reading I almost never form pictures of the characters in my mind, so I don't mind a lack of physical descriptions and tend to get annoyed at longer descriptions. But of course my writing needs to also be enjoyable for people with strong mental imagery, so it's something I'll have to improve.

One thing I wonder about in all the motivation, though, which I don't think is addressed by the story: often, the religion and priesthoods of a group of city-states (which this kind of seems like) would be similar or the same across those states. Why, then, would the priesthood be as concerned about which son becomes king, and therefore how close they are to that other kingdom? It seems like a flimsy excuse to me, but maybe it is supposed to be -- or, maybe, Ixtli and the others really are scared, but not all of them enough to do something to the high priestess.

The city state Actlalia has its own independent priesthood. There's no clerical authority above the High Priestess and she is only High Priestess of Actlalia, not any other city state. Who holds the majority of the secular power as King is therefore quite an important question to the priesthood.

I mention this as another warning sign. In your other story you fairly clearly distinguish right away that they aren't vampires (maybe in a bit of an info-dump, but it is there from the beginning). In this one, there is no such thing to distinguish, and the first-person POV can't exactly explain that very well, so it leaves the story feeling like the priesthood is populated by vampires who can do magic.

How do I distinguish them from vampires in my other story? I remember two reviewers for that chapter saying that they did think of them as vampires.

To be honest, I don't even know how one would go about showing that a particular supernatural creature is not a vampire. I suppose I could show one of the priests eating a dish with garlic or something like that, but that would be rather clumsy and still not necessarily establish anything since there's versions of vampires out there that don't mind garlic. The whole notion of vampires has really become so broad that it's hard to even pinpoint what a vampire is. There's vampires that don't mind religious symbols, vampires that don't drink blood, vampires that can walk around in daylight, vampires that reproduce sexually rather than by converting humans and even vampires with short lifespans.

Regarding the first-person POV, I thought it took a significant chunk of potential tension from the story, given as it has the implicit assumption that the POV character survives (especially in a short story).

Well, the same would be true for third person limited if I stick to only one POV; in both cases the protagonist essentially has plot armour until the end of the story. But even in first person it's entirely possible to have the protagonist die at the end (or possibly even shortly before the end with a sort of epilogue from a different viewpoint).

During the attack on the guards, why do they not wait a bit longer for Ixtli's mind magic to have an affect? Or have another pretext for separating the guards?

It presumably does have an effect in that the guards are less suspicious and slower to react.

Also, knowing Ixtli's motivations a bit more by the end of the story, why is he close enough to take a wound once the fighting has started? Alternately, how did the guards get lucky enough to wound him? It affects the upcoming fight, but it seems a little unlikely, and may need to have an in-scene view on how it happened.

Three against six is fairly doable if you have the element of surprise on your side, two against six is quite a different story. There's no deep underlying reason why Ixtli gets wounded in that fight, just bad luck. I don't see why it seems implausible to you. Because he cannot use his magic without waking the High Priestess, he's just like an ordinary man in that fight. He's a competent fighter, but so are the guards.

How soundly do the not-vampires sleep? They seem so close to vampires in this story that I was kind of expecting the high priestess to be so deeply asleep that they could more or less just drag her out into the sunlight and let that do it's thing. I suppose the way the magic works that doing so wouldn't be quite to Ixtli's advantage, however -- does he have to actually be the one to kill her in order to absorb her life energy? I kind of recall that from your book.

They don't sleep any more soundly than ordinary humans do. And who killed someone is irrelevant to absorbing the life energy, you just need to touch someone who's died in the last couple of minutes.

One last note, about the first notes. The focus on the sacrificial girl at the beginning, and the extra detail on her rather than on the other characters, made me think that she was going to be more important to the story than she ended up being. My thoughts were along the lines of the "feasted for a month" sacrifices, rather than having her be sacrificed nearly immediately. The details are decent, but put all together like that they lend more importance to the sacrifice than the main character at that point. (You might try having Texcoyo try to keep his thoughts elsewhere, but keeps noticing details about her that he would rather not, since he thinks it will be easier to sacrifice her without knowing them.)

Likewise, for someone who is only ~21-23, thinking of her beauty as in "full bloom of youth" is odd, since he is also young. It seems more like an older-person's phrase.

Yeah, good points. I agree that I went a bit overboard on her description.

Regarding the ending:

Two out of three of you said they expected the ending, so I'll try to make it a little less transparent.

Thank you all for your comments, you've been very helpful.

[cjhuitt]

The main reason he needs Texcoyo's help is that it makes Texcoyo complicit in the crime.

I didn't grasp this until you stated it. Now that it is said, it makes Ixtli's reasoning a lot more plausible to me. However, I didn't get that from the story itself. I wonder if I just missed it, or if you could find a way to make it a touch more clear?

How do I distinguish them from vampires in my other story? I remember two reviewers for that chapter saying that they did think of them as vampires.

To be honest, I don't even know how one would go about showing that a particular supernatural creature is not a vampire. I suppose I could show one of the priests eating a dish with garlic or something like that, but that would be rather clumsy and still not necessarily establish anything since there's versions of vampires out there that don't mind garlic. The whole notion of vampires has really become so broad that it's hard to even pinpoint what a vampire is. There's vampires that don't mind religious symbols, vampires that don't drink blood, vampires that can walk around in daylight, vampires that reproduce sexually rather than by converting humans and even vampires with short lifespans.

That's a good question, and one I don't have an easy answer to. I think it's the burnt by sunlight portion that seems to strongly tie them to vampires (and "eating" the life energy, which is a little more strongly tied to blood in this one in that the priesthood is doing blood sacrifices). You could just go with it and avoid saying they are or aren't; this would probably cause most people to say they are vampires who can do magic and suck "life force" instead of blood. If you choose this, I'd recommend somehow spelling out a bit earlier what they are and aren't capable of -- or, from Texcoyo's POV, what god-granted abilities they have (and are rumored to have, because undoubtedly there are rumors, and the priesthood probably even encourages some of them). One possible way to do this is have him react poorly to being so close to the High Priestess exercising her powers for the initial sacrifice (he's already reacting to her presence), and then try to suppress himself from thinking of all the other things he has seen them do, let alone that they have been rumored to do.

That raises another question in my mind: did any of these magic users exist in Sarkis? Would Texcoyo's "education" there have allowed him to recognize that?

Well, the same would be true for third person limited if I stick to only one POV; in both cases the protagonist essentially has plot armour until the end of the story. But even in first person it's entirely possible to have the protagonist die at the end (or possibly even shortly before the end with a sort of epilogue from a different viewpoint).

One thing I forgot to add, I see now, is that it might allow you a touch more leeway in explaining some of the aspects of the culture in the beginning, since you aren't locked quite so strongly into Texcoyo's words. It is a slight bending of the tight 3rd POV, but it has often been done before, to good effect, and seems to be even more accepted by readers in short stories, IMO.

Three against six is fairly doable if you have the element of surprise on your side, two against six is quite a different story. There's no deep underlying reason why Ixtli gets wounded in that fight, just bad luck. I don't see why it seems implausible to you. Because he cannot use his magic without waking the High Priestess, he's just like an ordinary man in that fight. He's a competent fighter, but so are the guards.

I think, in further hindsight, the reason it felt improbable that he would fight is because I didn't remember from the other book the increased healing powers (which aren't mentioned here until after he is wounded). I think I was actually of split minds; if they are like vampires -- traditional ones, of course -- they should be quick and strong enough to disable mere humans without much risk. However, I knew they weren't supposed to be vampires, so I think I suppressed the abilities I kind-of knew about from your other book, which would still lead them to be confident in approaching a fight, and rightly so.

It might also partially be the setting -- deep in a pyramid (read: dungeon) with two fighters and a priest -- of course the priest stays back and lets the fighters do their thing.

I definitely think you've got a good core of a short story here, and I may not have mentioned that before either, so I thought I'd better do so now. I think, with a little tweaking, it could be a great short introduction to the universe your novel is set in.

[Trizee]

First off, I enjoyed reading your story- I think it was crisp and tight- I disagree with Asmodemon about the plot length. Also, I didn't see the twist coming, but then- I almost never antiscipate these sort of things, so I'm not much of an indication.

There are some other things that bothered me that the other reviewers didn't mention:

Passive prose: You wrpte your stpry very passsively, which is something that I fel takes away from the tension and excitement of the story. For example, you wrote: "While he had spoken, we'd come closer." If you could change that to something like "We came closer while he spoke," it would make it seem to flow better and feel more like it's hapenning now.

Also, in the fight with the Priestess, after she drains Chima's life force, she seems suddenly weaker instead of stronger- she has to dodge Ixtli's red flames (which you say are weaker than blue ones) instead of blocking them like she should be able too.

Other than that, this was a great story that I enjoyed a lot!

[Syme]

I didn't grasp this until you stated it. Now that it is said, it makes Ixtli's reasoning a lot more plausible to me. However, I didn't get that from the story itself. I wonder if I just missed it, or if you could find a way to make it a touch more clear?

Yes, I've done that in my revision.

That raises another question in my mind: did any of these magic users exist in Sarkis? Would Texcoyo's "education" there have allowed him to recognize that?

Yes, they're the same as what the Daeolians in my novel call "lykanides". However, in Sarkis (as well as in Daeolia in general) lykanides are not worshipped. Instead, they are despised outcasts, so his education in Sarkis would not have given Texcoyo much valuable information on this subject.

One thing I forgot to add, I see now, is that it might allow you a touch more leeway in explaining some of the aspects of the culture in the beginning, since you aren't locked quite so strongly into Texcoyo's words. It is a slight bending of the tight 3rd POV, but it has often been done before, to good effect, and seems to be even more accepted by readers in short stories, IMO.

I'm a big proponent of tight POV (what Orson Scott Card calls "deep penetration"), no matter whether it is 1st or 3rd person. I don't like it when authors break POV to provide background information, so I want to stay away from it in my own writing.

I think, in further hindsight, the reason it felt improbable that he would fight is because I didn't remember from the other book the increased healing powers (which aren't mentioned here until after he is wounded). I think I was actually of split minds; if they are like vampires -- traditional ones, of course -- they should be quick and strong enough to disable mere humans without much risk. However, I knew they weren't supposed to be vampires, so I think I suppressed the abilities I kind-of knew about from your other book, which would still lead them to be confident in approaching a fight, and rightly so.

It might also partially be the setting -- deep in a pyramid (read: dungeon) with two fighters and a priest -- of course the priest stays back and lets the fighters do their thing.

Well, at least there isn't a dragon in this dungeon :)/>

Passive prose: You wrpte your stpry very passsively, which is something that I fel takes away from the tension and excitement of the story. For example, you wrote: "While he had spoken, we'd come closer." If you could change that to something like "We came closer while he spoke," it would make it seem to flow better and feel more like it's hapenning now.

I agree with your general point and there are some instances where I've now made things feel more immediate through more direct language. But I think the example you chose is fine the way I wrote it. With your suggestion, I'm effectively jumping back in time, because I first have the guard speak (happening right now), but simultaneously the heroes are walking closer, so if both of these are in the simple past, then I've just jumped back in time, which I think is much worse than using past perfect.

Also, in the fight with the Priestess, after she drains Chima's life force, she seems suddenly weaker instead of stronger- she has to dodge Ixtli's red flames (which you say are weaker than blue ones) instead of blocking them like she should be able too.

I'll look into that.

Edited January 1, 2013 by Syme