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10/15/12 - Stroniax - Age to Age, We Fall [V]


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Here we are introduced to Valcar's POV, Scilair's POV, and we get another bit of Panther.

(If the crystal weapons seem like a copy of Trizee, please note that I have been throwing the idea around for quite some time before I read Trizee's work. You know, crystal aliens seemed like a great place to insert crystal weapons, so...)

Please critique!

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My overall impression was confusion, particularly in the transitions between chapters. The short chapters in this week's submission don't help, but a lot of it has to do with what seems to be little in continuing plotlines between any of the chapters. So far, we have some of the same characters (slightly), but I haven't seen much if anything to connect them. I also don't have a strong hook to keep me reading. Another potential problem is as mentioned on Writing Excuses about the proliferation of viewpoint characters. So far I've read 5 different viewpoints, which exaggerates the problems I mentioned.

Chapter 3

I was immediately confused, because I expected Valcar to be in the spaceship, or at least have some bit of early discovery on the planet. At the end of chapter 1, it was apparently unsure if the spaceship would even be able to stop or land, or something, since the controls had been deleted. Instead, we skip right to normal, boring work on the planet.

Valcar could tell because of some internal knowledge, possibly associated with his newfound Gift: Structural Transformation. With it, he could transform the structure of any non-living object; stone being the easiest, beings that once held blood being the most difficult. Anything living was, in Valcar's experience, impossible

This read like an info-dump for the reader (though at least a short one), and made me wonder if it was apparently an aspect of a gift that just grants the user knowledge about it -- otherwise, how does Valcar know all that about his newfound gift?

The editing in the beginning of this chapter is rough. Some of the sentences, especially the multiply compound ones, take a lot of parsing to figure out.

Also confusing in this chapter is the sequence of events with the explosions. I don't often complain about blocking in a non-action scene, but this really stood out to me. For example, Valcar is just waiting around in the elevator while people place explosives and return. However, the explosions are happening while he waits? Why would they be that close to the explosions (less than 30 yards [and in a sci-fi story, I'd expect meters])? Apparently also there were people near Valcar during the explosion, and rocks go flying around where they could hit people? Valcar leans against a wall to stabilize himself, then drips blood as he stands up (even though he wasn't hit).

Valcar and the man gasped, others quickly streaming in to see what they gasped at.

They are using explosives and hand-held jackhammers. How would others even hear the gasps?

Valcar sure seemed pretty willing to just toss rocks at crystal statues without even figuring out how fragile they are.

The discovery of the crystal aliens/weapons makes it sound as if nobody else on the planet had come across these. Then, the end of the chapter makes it seem like an earthquake is imminent. However, in Chapter 4 apparently other people have swords and there is no repercussion shown from the discovery, or the apparent earthquake.

Panther walked over to one of the two computer areas. They each consisted of about three computers...

"About" three? Maybe more, and maybe fewer?

I was quite distracted for a while trying to figure out what state "well-better" is, and how a policeman might get into that state. :) More seriously, the note didn't seem necessary, and the commander makes it redundant. I thought it was too much extraneous stuff for this chapter. Of course the illness was built up quite a bit. If the illness ends up being something important in future chapters, then that's probably OK, but be careful because it is built up here and never used in the rest of the chapter.

I also thought the explanation of the patrol pattern was too much information, unless needed to understand something later.

When Panther is listening, a young boy being beaten by his mother isn't something that would result in pain?

The bit about 9:00 cutoffs for crime seems like it is supposed to pique my curiosity, but it just annoyed me that I got no explanation when everything else was so thoroughly explained.

In Chapter 5, the confusion really sets in. I can gather that this seems to be one of the statue people we saw earlier, but some things are incredibly different. For instance, they are moving and acting. Another difference is the reference to a mountain of metal, when I thought metal was very scarce on this world. Additionally, the phrase "human minions" at the beginning makes me think he's in charge of making sure the humans do the proper work.

Would Scilair know many of the things he seems to know? Like "humans", for example, or more specifically "farmer" and "daughter" and "small girl" and "child"?

Otherwise, chapter 5 is short and straightforward.

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My overall impression was confusion, particularly in the transitions between chapters. The short chapters in this week's submission don't help, but a lot of it has to do with what seems to be little in continuing plotlines between any of the chapters. So far, we have some of the same characters (slightly), but I haven't seen much if anything to connect them. I also don't have a strong hook to keep me reading. Another potential problem is as mentioned on Writing Excuses about the proliferation of viewpoint characters. So far I've read 5 different viewpoints, which exaggerates the problems I mentioned.

I wanted less, but I couldn't get the story to work that way.

Chapter 3

I was immediately confused, because I expected Valcar to be in the spaceship, or at least have some bit of early discovery on the planet. At the end of chapter 1, it was apparently unsure if the spaceship would even be able to stop or land, or something, since the controls had been deleted. Instead, we skip right to normal, boring work on the planet.

Oh, sorry. I thought I had that in chapter two, but I guess I didn't. Oops.

This read like an info-dump for the reader (though at least a short one), and made me wonder if it was apparently an aspect of a gift that just grants the user knowledge about it -- otherwise, how does Valcar know all that about his newfound gift?

You'll see later. (It has something to do with how he and Panther befriended each other. After being enemies for decades.

Also confusing in this chapter is the sequence of events with the explosions. I don't often complain about blocking in a non-action scene, but this really stood out to me. For example, Valcar is just waiting around in the elevator while people place explosives and return. However, the explosions are happening while he waits? Why would they be that close to the explosions (less than 30 yards [and in a sci-fi story, I'd expect meters])? Apparently also there were people near Valcar during the explosion, and rocks go flying around where they could hit people? Valcar leans against a wall to stabilize himself, then drips blood as he stands up (even though he wasn't hit).

Him being the miner that fell. I fixed that, thanks.

They are using explosives and hand-held jackhammers. How would others even hear the gasps?

The people stopped, too, and most of them were near the location. And it's kinda hard to miss a gaping hole in the wall that wasn't there a few seconds ago.

Valcar sure seemed pretty willing to just toss rocks at crystal statues without even figuring out how fragile they are.

He did, didn't he?

The discovery of the crystal aliens/weapons makes it sound as if nobody else on the planet had come across these. Then, the end of the chapter makes it seem like an earthquake is imminent. However, in Chapter 4 apparently other people have swords and there is no repercussion shown from the discovery, or the apparent earthquake.

They hadn't–yet.

And the "earthquake" will be explained in the next chapter of Valcar' POV.

"About" three? Maybe more, and maybe fewer?

Oops. :(

I was quite distracted for a while trying to figure out what state "well-better" is, and how a policeman might get into that state. :) More seriously, the note didn't seem necessary, and the commander makes it redundant. I thought it was too much extraneous stuff for this chapter. Of course the illness was built up quite a bit. If the illness ends up being something important in future chapters, then that's probably OK, but be careful because it is built up here and never used in the rest of the chapter.

Oh, yes. It is something very important to the story. Very important indeed...

I also thought the explanation of the patrol pattern was too much information, unless needed to understand something later.

All right. I'll see what I can do.

When Panther is listening, a young boy being beaten by his mother isn't something that would result in pain?

He heard that, but he blocked it out, as he did with the farmers.

The bit about 9:00 cutoffs for crime seems like it is supposed to pique my curiosity, but it just annoyed me that I got no explanation when everything else was so thoroughly explained.

Didn't I say that Panther usually starts Listening at that time, and so almost all crimes are prevented? I think I did, I'll go check.

In Chapter 5, the confusion really sets in. I can gather that this seems to be one of the statue people we saw earlier, but some things are incredibly different. For instance, they are moving and acting. Another difference is the reference to a mountain of metal, when I thought metal was very scarce on this world. Additionally, the phrase "human minions" at the beginning makes me think he's in charge of making sure the humans do the proper work.

If you looked closely, you would see that this takes place on a different planet–Sorcshen. Which is, in fact, vital later on.

Minions? Good point.

Now, as to the moving and acting, you will find out about that in a later chapter of Scilair's POV.

Would Scilair know many of the things he seems to know? Like "humans", for example, or more specifically "farmer" and "daughter" and "small girl" and "child"?

They can, if you remember correctly, read minds. And they have studied these people for quite some time—longer, even, than the residents of planet Hysterax have dwelled on their new planet.

Otherwise, chapter 5 is short and straightforward.

Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

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If you looked closely, you would see that this takes place on a different planet–Sorcshen. [...]

They can, if you remember correctly, read minds. And they have studied these people for quite some time—longer, even, than the residents of planet Hysterax have dwelled on their new planet.

About the first, I didn't know it was a different planet. The only planet we've seen the crystal people on is the one that has Panther and Valcar, so I thought it was just their own name for that planet. So far as reading minds goes, I knew they could read each other's thoughts, but not necessarily human thoughts. Even so, the way the chapter was presented was that the crystal people knew little of the humans, and Scilair at least thought plants were worthless, so I didn't think he would probably know about farming.

Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

It is different than most of the previous chapters, which seem to have a lot of stuff happening in them. I noticed the other two were kind of shorter, but this one in particular stood out, so I mentioned it.

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Ok, because of the abundance of Caleb's critique, I won't say much...

First of all, I'd like to say that i think your prose has improved a lot. I can't point at something specific, but the writing just seems less jarring than in your first chapters.

Viewpoints+ confusion- I think this is a serious problem with your story. You have a lot of characters, but you don't bother to explain what's going on with them too much. I think you could pull off the many viewpoints if you took the time to make it very clear what is happening to each character and how they realte to each other.

Elevator- Why do they work on a pully system in a sci-fi?

Work- you say that Panther had the job for 37 days, but then why does he neeed to have the route explained to him?

Apostrophes- you forget to add them sometimes, in cases like- the boy's hat

Scilain- I'm not sure why he's killing the humans. This is more of the same thing I noticed about your previous work- you have the characters doing things without our understanding why they're doing them. It makes me feel less of a connection to the characters and makes the plot less interesting to me.

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Viewpoints+ confusion- I think this is a serious problem with your story. You have a lot of characters, but you don't bother to explain what's going on with them too much. I think you could pull off the many viewpoints if you took the time to make it very clear what is happening to each character and how they realte to each other.

Yes, I'm working up to that. In fact, in not too much time, a few more of them meet.

Also,,you may be able to see a little relation with them like this:

Panther and Valcar - Well... They're on the same planet, they are friends, they both are Gifted and have Partial Gifts.

Fallout and Scilair - Scilair is Bihorak. Fallout hates Bihorak. You can see a problem here.

Fallout and Panther - As you may have noticed, they both have "Gifts" and "Partial Gifts". More relation coming soon(ish)

And more soon: they intertwine pretty quickly, and Scialir's life is drastically changed.

Elevator- Why do they work on a pully system in a sci-fi?

They don't have that many resources to use, and so far there have been no storms to harvest electricity from.

Work- you say that Panther had the job for 37 days, but then why does he neeed to have the route explained to him?

He worked elsewhere. In most people jobs, if they aren't the boss, they don't know how to do everyone's jobs.

Apostrophes- you forget to add them sometimes, in cases like- the boy's hat

Um... I'll check and fix all that I see.

Scilair- I'm not sure why he's killing the humans. This is more of the same thing I noticed about your previous work- you have the characters doing things without our understanding why they're doing them. It makes me feel less of a connection to the characters and makes the plot less interesting to me.

That was my attempt at causing you to want to continue reading. It's explained in the next chapter anyway. (Next Scilair's POV chapter.)

Edited by Stroniax
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