10/8 Trizee The Winter Wars chapter 3

[Trizee]

Tell me what you think. I'm afraid that Fen might have come across a little whiny in his thoughts about Loriyya, so tel me if you think so...

[Ria Raen]

I actually really enjoyed this. But I did find that certain areas got carried away and became a little repetitive.

In the snippet of chapter two you imply that Fen already suspects Loriyya betrayed his father

Fen had still been optimistic as to his relationship with Loriyya, and had shared his father’s secret with her. How could I have trusted her? She isn’t even pretending to be sorry to hear that my father died

Yet you have it occurring to Fen as a new thought (and general surprise at the idea of his Father being betrayed) which confused me somewhat as to what Fen actually thought about the whole situation!

During his thought process of contemplating Loriyya being a traitor you use the word relationship four times. It started to irk me how many times this word was used as well as Loriyya's name. It just pulled me right out of the moment (at which point I decided to count the number of times it came up!)

I especially liked your explanation of the Ki Sain it was nice and simple as well as interesting.

When Fen is noting the names on the gravestones I found this odd

He thought he even spotted an Aken, but he couldn’t be sure. It might have Akim, a name that he sometimes came across in the tedious histories of the east his father had made him read.

Now I haven't read the previous chapters in which there may be a character called Aken? but if there is no character with this name I couldn't understand why this was just dropped in so randomly.

leisurely walk

I'm not sure that's what I would call walking to your fathers grave, leisurely interferes with the serious tone your trying to set.

I especially like the relationship you have set up with Fen and Loriyya it's something a bit different and I think it has so much scope for story development and a good sub plot. One point I will make is that some of the names used are a little..... wordy (for lack of a better word)in particular King Morintaign’s ..... I still don't know how to say it!

[Trizee]

I actually really enjoyed this. But I did find that certain areas got carried away and became a little repetitive.

In the snippet of chapter two you imply that Fen already suspects Loriyya betrayed his father

Yet you have it occurring to Fen as a new thought (and general surprise at the idea of his Father being betrayed) which confused me somewhat as to what Fen actually thought about the whole situation!

During his thought process of contemplating Loriyya being a traitor you use the word relationship four times. It started to irk me how many times this word was used as well as Loriyya's name. It just pulled me right out of the moment (at which point I decided to count the number of times it came up!)

I especially liked your explanation of the Ki Sain it was nice and simple as well as interesting.

When Fen is noting the names on the gravestones I found this odd Now I haven't read the previous chapters in which there may be a character called Aken? but if there is no character with this name I couldn't understand why this was just dropped in so randomly.

I'm not sure that's what I would call walking to your fathers grave, leisurely interferes with the serious tone your trying to set.

I especially like the relationship you have set up with Fen and Loriyya it's something a bit different and I think it has so much scope for story development and a good sub plot. One point I will make is that some of the names used are a little..... wordy (for lack of a better word)in particular King Morintaign’s ..... I still don't know how to say it!

Thanks!

Your coment about the snippet from chapter 2 makes sense, I actually wrote it after writing chapter 3, so that might be why that happened, I'll have to fix that.

Don't worry, Aken is Loriyya's maiden name, it's mentioned in the previous chapters.

Morintaign is pronounced MO-rin-tane, though you could really pronounce it however you'd like.

[cjhuitt]

Personally, I'm not sure that the additional scene in chapter 2 needs to be there, or not like this. If it is important to show the conflict between the two early on, then I think the snippet should be expanded to be part of a fuller scene that really shows how they don't understand each other. If it is not important to show that conflict at this point, then perhaps the scene could be cut altogether?

To start chapter 3, I note a technique that bothers me somewhat (but that I see fairly often in published fiction, so it isn't necessarily bad). I'm referring to showing a character in one position, then spending the next bit of time recapping what had happened offstage since we had last seen that character. To my mind, it's either important enough to show directly, or it's something that could probably be picked up in context. In this case, I'm going to suggest mostly context, with maybe spreading out sone of the explanatory details (such as starting chapter 3 with "A few days later," instead of saying how recently they had returned.

I think it would be nice, and make Fen a bit more like someone raised to be a prince, if he had already entertained the thought of a traitor. He may have reasons to dismiss it, but he should at least have considered it before Lord Pheasen says so.

Also, Lord Pheasen's name switches near the beginning of this chapter. I can't remember for sure, but I don't think we've heard his first name before. I suggest using the same name from Fen's point of view throughout, unless there's an important reason to change. It will help the reader keep the characters straight.

Fen's thoughts about Loriyya and their relationship struck me as telling in this case. You could probably improve it by working other, more concrete things in between the thoughts, such as doing up his outfit or whatever a prince has to do to prepare for the funeral.

I think having the crowd watching the funeral and Prince Fen be a little uneasy about the sudden transition would be a good lead-up to the changes Fen makes near the end of the chapter, but I don't see much like that here. Beyond that, if there is a traitor, which Fen suspects, how does he think they would react to his announced changes?

Also with his announced changes, who would customarily be second to the king before he had an heir of age to help rule? Will they be upset about Loriyya taking a place at the top of the hierarchy? What about other heirs -- if Fen had died, who would be the next in line? What do they think about Fen's changes, which could theoretically remove them from the succession altogether?

When Fen makes his announcements, I'd also like to see a few more concrete details from the crowd, and hopefully also candid looks at some of the ministers (who probably weren't expecting the changes).

Finally, I think in this case it would be best to end the chapter on the turmoil of the proposed changes. The talk to another(!) minister/lord/whatever about a possible traitor can wait until next chapter, though I did like his idea of assigning one of his people to look into the matter.