Oct 01 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 20 and 21

[Asmodemon]

This time I’ve got two chapters to submit. They’re both fairly short and fit well together. In these chapters Dais leads his companions to the house claimed by the imperial sappers to save his father. Meanwhile Rosalin unexpectedly gets a chance to go against Serissa’s killer.

[cjhuitt]

Since some recent critiques have talked about POV errors, why don't we start this one off that way also?

Fleeing ahead of his companions Dais passed many people who didn’t fully realize what was going on yet.

Right at first this struck me wrong (besides the potential missing comma), and I wasn't sure why. At first I thought it was a POV error, and it might be considered such -- Dias probably doesn't know what the people realize or don't realize. On the other hand, I think I know what you are trying to convey, which is to him they couldn't realize, or they'd be running also. However, I think the problem is larger than that, and the possible POV error is more of a symptom than a cause. I think the real problem is that the sentence is full of tell instead of show, a problem that I feel kind of continues through the next paragraphs. I mean, Dias basically thinks he's running for his life (or his father's) right now, correct? I don't really get a sense of him feeling that from the text.

Of course, having said that, here is another potential POV error at the end of that page:

Kalimeris regarded him without surprise, without much emotion at all. All of it was locked away by his discipline.

The last weeks had sapped his stamina and not even Acer’s invigoration could fully undo it. He was stronger now, but as he exerted his muscles the underlying weakness made itself known in insistent whispers. Well, before he fell, he’d use this strength.

This part confused me, and I had to read it a few times to make sense out of it. This especially applies to the last sentence quoted, though I'm still confused how someone could be stronger when they have no stamina. Of course, this could just be my personal perspective on what makes someone (physically) strong.

Another point of confusion near there was the people starting to rally (I assumed against the invasion), but on the other hand a riot is possibly imminent? Plus, while I'm mentioning them, the side-conversation between Dias and Amaryllis ("You could change that") was kind of intriguing but also confusion, and why was Dias suddenly running around in the house before it had been thoroughly checked? Or did I not get a good sense of time between Rosalin entering and Dias entering? Why does Rosalin set her spear down?

One last problem on this chapter: "The emptiness in the rebuffed new projectiles as glass never could." doesn't quite make sense to me. I'm guessing there's at least one extra or missing word in there somewhere.

I liked the second chapter up until Amaryllis announces that the big bad wolf is waiting outside. I guess I still haven't been sold on Rosalin's attachment to Sericea, possibly because I was never attached to her. This means that I wasn't sold on Rosalin's big change of heart about going outside, either.

"Master, we’re going too right?” Amaryllis asked. “Right?!”

I quoted this for the typo recognition, but it also doesn't seem to match Amaryllis' later opinion of the hole. Right here, it seems like she's rooting for that escape route, but in just a few paragraphs she's not even willing to get in the tunnel.

Maybe they don't want to bother since he could just track them, but it seems odd that Rosalin would jump into the hole to escape wolfie while he was watching. Also, if I were them I'd be worried about a quick transformation and a man-sized beast following them into the hole right away, which would lend quite some speed to my getaway, though the description doesn't seem to imply any extra speed. Until they have the tunnel blocked off, perhaps things should move a touch faster?

Finally, I've mentioned before my feeling that this is approaching the end of the story. To me, this means that it feels like we'll be seeing some plot threads start wrapping up. It looks like this might be more solid progress on Dias' father subplot, but when I'm feeling this way it's kind of disappointing to have what appears to be a main confrontation avoided. I'm hoping that's just a temporary setback toward the main confrontation, and that they will be more interactive now that most of the main characters are near each other and fighting.

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Caleb got quite a bit, but I noticed a few things too.

Kalimeris, his stride longer and faster, even though he was encumbered with his weapons and gear, reached his side as ran onto a crossroads.

"... reached his side as _____ ran onto a crossroads."

I think you meant "... reached his side as he ran onto a crossroads." Or "... reached his side as they ran onto a crossroads."

Also, if I'm not mistaken, it would either be "a crossroad" or "the crossroads".

When the tunnel was talked about, I originally had the idea that it started going straight down. This may be because I haven't read the rest of the chapters.

She’d done this once before, wresting control from Rosen.

By "wresting" I assume you meant "wrestling".

That's all, keep writing!

[Mandamon]

I didn't notice anything particularly wrong in execution with these chapters--Caleb got most of the nitpicky things with viewpoint that caught my attention. I don't think I've ever had an issue with your writing, aside from an occasinal misplaced comma or something small. Most of my issues are with overall plot and sequence.

I was also confused by the rallying/rioting. I first thought they were rallying against the shifter, but then remembered that there had been an invasion with soldiers recently. I guess I'm not sure where each part ended up. Did Hemlock and Black Rose come in at the end of the invasion? Isn't the town still fighting off the soldiers? I think there needs to be some more explanation of how the town is laid out with respect to where each group is.

I also agree with Caleb's assessment of Sericea. I almost cheered when she finally got killed off, and now Rosalin is bringing her back up again and wanting to avenge her. I can understand that from Rosalin's point of view, but I still really dislike Sericea's character. It's not clear whether you meant this character to be a mentor or a bad influence. Maybe some character tweaks are in order? Is her character even needed? Could that relationship be filled by meeting Dais earlier?

Finally, at the risk of being repetitive, since I've brought this up several times, I think the plotting may be off. Caleb felt like things were wrapping up. I get that feeling too, but I'm still unsure of how the magic system works and why all these people are fighting. The writing and story are good, but it feels like there's a big hole somewhere in the story where all the backstory has been cut out. Things I want to know:

1) How do the paths work/what are they/how many are there and what is the connection between a Pathfinder and the Shifters?

2) What is the reason for the war?

3) Why are the Shifters so feared? I've been told they almost took over the region, but I haven't seen anything impressive yet that a large magical wolf couldn't do.

4) Who is Rosen, where did he come from, and what is the connection to Amaryllis?

5) How did Rosalin and Rosen merge? It seems to be a physical and mental merge, but I'm unclear.

6) What is the relation between Rosalin's home and the "real" world that everyone else lives in? (This at least is stated as an objective of the story by Rosalin)

7) Where is Dais' father and why is he important (aside from being a father.)? I feel like I should put this one in since you've put so much time in on it, but it really isn't a major plot point for me.

I know some of these may be spoiler-y, but I'm just listing the main questions that came up as I've read. Just as a side note--I think my favorite characters are Black Rose and Rosen. I'm sad that Rosen isn't in the story more.

So we've seen 21 chapters so far. How far through the book are we? Is this intended to be stand-alone, or a series? Without giving anything away, can you tell us what part of those questions above are answered in this book?