Jump to content

20150316 - Fruits Of The Gods Ch9 Pt1 (1980) - Mandamon


Mandamon

Recommended Posts

Part 1 of chapter 9.
The story so far:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days, and discover Kisare has some color in her hair as well.
Thanks for any feedback!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi. Been a couple weeks since I read - in the midst of trade show season at work and I have been overloaded with assignments+stress. A few more weeks of this and then I can breath again. :/

 

I only read a bit of this today, but already at work so hope my few remarks are helpful.

 

The forest around the Asha-Urmana's village was gone, for all that they had only left that morning, had quickly faded, replaced by miles and miles of openness. 

 

   She Kisare regarded Nidintu and could tell the woman was used to traveling.  The wiry scout had a bundle of spears strapped to her back, along with her supplies.  Kisare could tell the woman was used to traveling.  She was lightly but efficiently equipped, but everything she carried was used; a pan for cooking, a bundled tent, a small bag of necessities, weapons, and little else. and a few other odds and endsIn her hands, a Bushkari blade She carried a sharp-looking knife which she used to mark their passage (is she marking for the benefit of someone following?) or cut through tangles of grasses and vines (I think vines typically grow on structures – like trees- so if they are in the grasslands then maybe ‘grasses and [some sort of thorny plant].

 [who Kisare or Nidintu?] She and the warrior looked nothing alike, yet were similar in intent. 

 

She rolled her shoulders forward and started taking [longer] larger steps.

 

 

As I read this first bit I wonder if it might be a good place to try a different POV character. In the WE podcast Brandon and the rest do discuss this as a way to make chapters where not a lot is happening more interesting. For example in Mistborn he does one bit from the PoV of a guard on the wall I believe, rather than yet another section describing Vin traveling through the air from point A to point B.

 

So here perhaps you could consider a first person PoV by Nidintu for example. This would allow people to get to know her a little bit and spice up the tramping through the grass. For example

 

"Nidintu used the Bushkari blade to clear the hookthorn plant from the path. Wouldn't want one of these tenderfoots to stick their foot.  She looked back and saw Kisare carefully stepping over the wickedly spiked branches. That girl is a strange one.

 

Again, I am greener than the grass in your story so this is just a random thing to consider. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

- Again, I think it's good to be specific when describing the items these characters are carrying. You might not have to describe every little thing, but I think you should say what "odds and ends" entails, whether its medical supplies, food or additional weaponry.

 

- I like Kisare's perspective, especially since this sister seems the closest tied to her life of slavery. I also liked her observation on the warrior and the tracker.

 

- Make sure you can tell whose POV we are seeing. Is it Kisare's reaction or Bel's reaction to Kisare's reaction? It feels confusing sometimes, and it might be better to just add a tag or two of "Kisare thought..."

 

- I liked the conflict between Kisare and Bel at the end of the chapter, with Kisare noting the villagers only acting in their own self-interest.

 

- It might be a good time to show more of Nidintu and Zibar's personality.

 

Overall, it's a good read. The narrative always moves fast, and I'm rarely, if ever, bored with what's going on. I can't wait to read next week's installment. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks folks!

@stormweasel: Your edits are very similar to some other comments I've gotten.  I'm alternating POVs each chapter, so right now I'm sticking to that format.  One of downsides, of course, is that sometimes the POVs don't fit as well as they could.  I was trying to go more for the 
traveling montage here, but I think it could be tuned up.  I might play with some different POVs when I do rewrites.

 

@rdpulfer:  The other reading group picked up on "odds and ends" too.  I'll turn that into something more specific.  Good catch on the POV tags.  I'll add some more of those in.  Glad you liked Kisare's reaction to things.

Next week will have a lot more action--looking forward to comments.

By the way I read through "Wolf and Bat" and started reading" Blue Yonder."  Cool comics!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My random thoughts as I was reading this. This is the first chapter I’ve read so I’m likely missing some things.

 

She and the warrior looked nothing alike, yet were similar in intent. Zikar seemed to look everywhere at once, his saber held loosely but at the ready, though Kisa couldn't imagine anything sneaking up on them out here in the middle of nowhere.

 

Is “the warrior’ supposed to refer to Zikar? Maybe have an action or piece of dialogue that brings him to Kisare’s attention. Or something as simple as: “Zikar walked beside her. The two looked nothing alike, yet were similar in intent.” Or something like that.

 

In the beginning maybe have more action than just walking. Maybe have Kisare start up a conversation with Nidintu or Zikar--they seem kind of quiet.

 

"When will we take a rest?" Bel called out behind her. Kisare rolled her eyes. Like a pampered noble.

 

This reads kind of awkwardly. Maybe change “like a pampered noble” into an in character thought like: She sounds just like a pampered noble. Or something like that.

 

 

The beginning is a bit slow. More action/dialogue would be nice.

 

The descriptions themselves are well written but they could flow better.

 

I was much more interested in the second half, after they stop walking.

 

I like Bel’s character and the conflict between her and Kisare.

 

I really like how Kisare stops herself from helping at first (at the camp).

 

Nidintu and Zikar seem like very quiet people. I’d like to get to know them better.

 

How is Hbelu pronounced?

Edited by gwslow
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi gwslow and welcome to Reading Excuses!

Thanks for the feedback.  Yes, Zikar is the warrior.  I introduced him in the last submission, so 1) he and Nidintu are pretty new and 2) Kisare and Belili don't know them very well either.

 

You came in right at a brief lull in the action.  I promise next week will have a lot more!

 

All the names are based on Babylonian culture.  I'm pronouncing Hbelu as "HuhBayLew," but go with whatever you like best.

 

If you want to read the earlier stuff, just send me a PM with your email.  No pressure.  It's fine if you just want to review from here out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...