Trizee

September 17th- Trizee- The Winter Wars- Chapter two

7 posts in this topic

Here's chapter two. Please realize that I've dropped the comment about Elad being pensive and allowed him to be more impulsive.

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There is a disconnect between the strong "At last" you've mentioned at the end of chapter 1 and the character's behavior here. If he's been waiting for his father to die (and the king seemed to be in good health, so the prospect must have been far away), he should think about his next steps : organizing the succession, strengthening his position as a ruler. There, we see only mild reactions, like "He didn't know what to feel about that" (which is a big tell, BTW).

As a result, the character still seems weak. In the council scene, he kind of takes charge, but I almost expected the other councilors to ask him to change seats and be quiet.

I completely bought the bickering between councilors. Seemed very real in a crisis situation.

I also found strange that the librarians didn't even know him by sight or even suspect who he was. I'm sure that if the king had walked to them, he would have been recognized. There, even when they learn who he is, they still don't treat him respectfully. Maybe that's a world's feature; if so, you could add a thought about how librarians were so discourteous. As it is, their reaction only reinforces the fact that he's seen as someone weak.

Question : how are they going to explain that the corpse is a head short (they're very unlikely to retrieve the head)? Some people might even doubt the body they're shown is the king's.

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I need some plot advancement here. You can get away with an informative first chapter when it follows an exciting prologue, but by chapter two I need some outright conflict, even if it doesn't have to do with the main plot. What is the very first obstacle Fen must actively face? Right now he seems to just be reacting.

Is it just me or did your style change in this one? Before, your descriptions were crisp and thorough, but now suddenly these characters are getting a somewhat vague sentence or two whereas before they were getting a paragraph. It makes me feel like, if someone or something doesn't get a long description, I don't have to remember this person or thing because they obviously not as important is that other person who got half a page.

The first person train of thought on Page 3 was a bit much. It felt disjointed and unnatural.

Based on the society you built here, one that goes to so much trouble to ensure the order of ascension, that the secrecy behind the King's death doesn't really ring true. I would think their first and foremost objective would be to put Fen on the throne, if for no other reason than out of tradition. Perhaps Fen can talk them out of raising him to King and waiting two weeks to reveal the death (his first obstacle?) but it should be there. Am I wrong?

When Fen goes to the library, you overuse the words "book" and "bookshelf" to the point of distraction.

Overall, your prose are still top notch, but I feel each submission has gotten just a little bit weaker. I've spent, basically, 30+ pages reading about this King's death and yet I don't feel like the story is going anywhere quite yet.

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I felt that your voice went from being crisp and active to being very passive and past tense. Your description is telling me about where he is instead of showing, but I want his view points. Is he awed by the size of the library, etc?

I agree with what Akoebel said about the librarians, they were so disrespectful that I was expecting him to have her executed. The unfamiliarity also threw me for a loop. Maybe have the librarian know him somewhat well and tease him? "A magic sword, my Prince? Really? You don't have anything better to occupy your time these days?"

"A little light reading about magic never hurt anyone, Trethlee(librarian)."

"Not everyone is a Prince, Lord Fen."

Fen still feels weak, I thought he would be more self confident in researching the blade of light. He's having trouble coping with all the changes in his life, but this is something he can more easily control.

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I felt that your voice went from being crisp and active to being very passive and past tense. Your description is telling me about where he is instead of showing, but I want his view points. Is he awed by the size of the library, etc?

I agree with what Akoebel said about the librarians, they were so disrespectful that I was expecting him to have her executed. The unfamiliarity also threw me for a loop. Maybe have the librarian know him somewhat well and tease him? "A magic sword, my Prince? Really? You don't have anything better to occupy your time these days?"

"A little light reading about magic never hurt anyone, Trethlee(librarian)."

"Not everyone is a Prince, Lord Fen."

Fen still feels weak, I thought he would be more self confident in researching the blade of light. He's having trouble coping with all the changes in his life, but this is something he can more easily control.

That is very true. But this actually seems as if it may be realistic. A new prince that once did presumably little (maybe if he did a lot, have him remember some of the things he did with his father? However, some people don't like flashbacks, so I dont know if that'll work…) may take a while to grow accustomed to taking charge. However, if that is what happened, then you may want to change the portion where he took charge in the council.

Just a thought. However, Jdid enjoy this book and can't wait for the next chapter!

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I also want to echo that this chapter feels weaker than the previous two (or one plus prologue, I guess). I agree with Jack that this is the point to advance the plot, and the easiest way to do so is to set up an immediate conflict.

There is a disconnect between the strong "At last" you've mentioned at the end of chapter 1 and the character's behavior here. If he's been waiting for his father to die (and the king seemed to be in good health, so the prospect must have been far away), he should think about his next steps : organizing the succession, strengthening his position as a ruler. There, we see only mild reactions, like "He didn't know what to feel about that" (which is a big tell, BTW).

...and here is a great opportunity to sow some conflict. A ruling council accustomed to things working one way, with the king suddenly gone and a young upstart prince shaking things up. It happens over and over in fiction because it does in life as well; people in power resist change, because it might take some power from them (or they push for change, with a plan to gain power from it somehow).

Question : how are they going to explain that the corpse is a head short (they're very unlikely to retrieve the head)? Some people might even doubt the body they're shown is the king's.

This would be another good spot for conflict, especially with the council and how they go along with him (or don't). If they are reasonably experienced councilmen, at least one should think about this... although the suddenness and shock might keep them from it at first. Also something that might keep it from being raised: waiting to use it against the prince/king-to-be at a later time. In fact, now that I think of this, the prince's description was kind of vague on how the king was killed, and only a couple of the other councillors know this. Perhaps they are planning a surprise? I sure hope so.

Finally, after the council-room scene ended and Fen warned them all to tell not even their wives, I expected the next scene to be an uncomfortable one with him and his new wife. It would be a nearly perfect setup, especially if he was manipulated into telling her somehow (authorially manipulated, mind you, not necessarily by his wife), and the information got out to his disadvantage. That would be a fun setup for conflict also.

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Okay, all good points.

Fen's weakness- I actually didn't plan for this, but now I think it makes sense that he would be weak. He always wanted to be king and do great things, but his father's death came as a big surprise and he just wasn't ready. He hasn't had much experience wiith being in charge due to his father's distrust of him, and so he can't really pull of the things he would like to (kind of like Elend..). Anyway, I do realize that him taking charge in the council throws us off from that, so I'm changing it so that he needs help from After to break up the fight between Aken and Elad. As for the way the librarians treat him, you're also right, what I wrote doesn't make a lot of sense.

Conflict- We do get the conflict in chapter 3 already, but I might be able to bump it up...

King's head- Didn't think of that, I'll have to think of a solution.

As for crowning Fen on the spot, that would mean telling the people their king had lied to them... that's not very politically sound, the people might just decide to take it out on the king's only son...

Fen's feelings- The "Finally" I had him think at the end of the previous chapter was Fen's instinctual first thought when he heard of his father's death. He dreamed of his father dying and him ascending the throne, and so "finally". But once he thinks about it a bit more deeply, we get some confused feelings, mostly becuse Morintaign's death came as acomplete surprise. Its something he always wanted, but now that he has it he doesn't know wat to do with it.

That's all I can think of right now-

Thanks all for reading my stuff :D

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