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Mandamon

20150209 - Fruits of the Gods Ch7 pt1 (2178) - Mandamon

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Here is part 1 of chapter 7.  Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards...
Let me know what you think.

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This may either be cut into two parts or be a bit rushed. My Tuesdays through Thursdays are always busy, and it's Valentine's weekend, so there's that. Apologies in advance, but as it's been a week, I don't want to be too far behind on the critique.

Something that just randomly kind of popped into my head. The people are carrying around Fruits in pouches/satchels/etc. How likely is it that the Fruits could get damaged when things get hectic? I imagine it'd be alright walking around, with minimal strain, but moving around, dodging attacks, attacking, running around, etc. I feel could possibly damage/waste some of the Fruit's juices. I don't know for certain if it would or would not, but it crossed my mind.

The power of the Fruits comes from the juices,so when Hbelu uses the orange to make himself grow larger, and then 'roars' away the attackers, how does that exactly work with the juice? Assuming the magic ends when the juice is depleted/gone? Or is it just a situation where some juice grants like X minutes/seconds? The impression I've gotten so far, at least, is that when the juice is gone, the magic is gone. Also, I feel like he's figuratively sweeping them away with a roar, intimidation, rather than literal, but it's a bit vague.

The battle concluded rather kid-friendly, in the sense that it didn't really sound like anyone was hurt or injured and they just sent back Aricaba-Ata and his people. It just feels rather off to me, considering how the rest of the story has been to this point. Also, from the Asha-Urmana perspective, who have already had to deal with the Nobles/Newcomers attacking them, and kind of invading like England to America back in the day, just kind of letting them walk away seems like it introduces a big risk, since Aricaba-Ata knows where they are, knows roughly how many people are present, and can possibly call in a large number forces. Considering his original attitude with Belili Kisare, and trying to lose the trail of the hunting dogs to prevent Aricaba-Ata from finding/following them, this just doesn't seem like the judgment call I'd see him making.

The 'visuals' of the fight at this point felt a little rough around the edges, but at the same time I had no issues following it and there were some interesting things done, particularly with the ghost and mists, the intimidation factors employed, and so forth.

I noted and actually enjoyed Kisare's hesitation in this scene, as she's been a bit wishy-washy and undecided as to a lot of things since they fled, mostly with trust and being out of her comfort zone, and I can see how she would be somewhat enticed to return to what she knew, even if it wasn't a bueno situation.

The submission read really quickly, I felt, for being 2,000 words. That typically implies, for me, that it went along fluidly and quickly, which is good. It might be out of the scope of relevancy, but I am somewhat curious, personally, as to why, what, and how they researched the seeds, given that it's an ancient legend of sorts. I feel like I may have to suspend my curiosity in that regard however, but maybe I'll be surprised.
 

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Juugatsu--Thanks as usual!

There's been a lot of other comments on the fight.  I think this section is due for a large rewrite to get it more tense, and with more repercussions.  I address the part about talking with a mouth full of juice later on, but I need to bring it back to this chapter as well.  The magic is gone when the juice loses its taste.  

Good catch on Fruit getting damaged.  Hadn't thought about that too much.

Hbelu's resolution to the fight does have some bearing on the second half of the chapter, which might answer your questions.  I'll wait and see.

Glad you liked Kisare's reactions.  That seems to be the best part of this section.

Another good catch on researching the seeds.  Yeah, you'll have to wonder on that--I never did address it ;-)  I think I imagined an Asha-Urmana research lab, with Anagmeshu-Ea hunched over a primitive microscope, but I never did write that part.

Thanks again for commenting, even with a busy schedule.  I'm on a trip this week myself, so I think I'll hold off on posting the next part until Feb 23rd.  That and it seems a little sparce around here lately.

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