August 20 - Yados - The Mortal Coil - Chapter Two

[Yados]

Hi, all.

After a sizable hiatus, I'm submitting my second chapter, featuring the second viewpoint. This is pretty different than the first chapter.

I guess the things I'm most concerned about are whether or not this seems like too much of an infodump, if I'm utilizing foils correctly (I added Taez on my second go towards this purpose), and if the handling of race seems sensitive and appropriate. The world I'm writing has some pretty heavy racism at its core and I wanted the main character of these segments, Lyan, to deal with having a sort of unique place in her culture and how that affects her sense of identity (later, we get into how it affects the circumstances of her life, but we're not there yet).

So give me your thoughts on all that. And everything else. Except typos. I'm pretty sure there are a few.

[Mandamon]

Plot-wise, I thought this was well constructed, and seems like a good start to Lyon's story. I like this better than the chapter with Coil. Even though it was longer, it felt more concise. I think it will lead better into Lyon's next segment. Conversely, Coil's first chapter was more like a prologue; the story of how he got into the watch. The new chapter has more of a late in/early out feel.

Taez did provide a foil (mostly to Lyon's attempts to get her homework done), but she seemed inactive. She didn't help with the ghost, and she didn't do anything with Coz--the most important aspects of the chapter. She did subvert Lyon's truthful homework into a made up essay...

I think the difference in the living location was Taez' biggest plus. I didn't think the racism was too much here, and I don't think you need to be "sensitive" when your fictional characters argue about their fictional cultures. In fact, it felt normal for a small, mixed community.

A couple specifics:

Pg1:

"She hated conflict almost as much as she hated letting something go"

-Especially in the second paragraph, it feels like you're forcing Lyon's personality. Let us see that she doesn't like conflict before you mention it.

pg 2:

"watching...a film of scab harden over a fresh tub of blood"

-Ew? Where has she been around a fresh tub of blood?

Also pg 7:

"This was tasting strange bloods."

-These two images were almost enough to pull me out of the story, not that I'm particuarly sqeamish. I think it was because these references were so different to the rest of Lyon's personality and the setting. Fine if you're setting something up with blood magic, but give a little warning before you throw it in there.

Pg 2:

"That was the proper term for those refugees from Anorst who had found themselves within the Walls of Vern, the last Kingdom of Men before the All-Die as well as their subsequent descendants now that there wasn't anywhere else to go."

-Too much in one sentence. I had to read this a few times before it even started to make sense, but it sounds like important worldbuilding.

Other than that, the story is interesting! I want to read more chapters and see how the story starts up.

[JamesW]

First off this feels incredibly different from the first chapter, and I like the setting a lot. I'm already intrigued by a school where you study ghosts and cognition and identity relating to ghosts. That alone is a great hook. I also got more interested in "scab harden over a fresh tub of blood", I want to hear more about a tub of blood just because it was mentioned.

I was certainly intrigued by her pretending to do magic, but knowing that she couldn't. It seemed interesting that even that could scare another. The making up answers for their assignment felt remarkably similar to the Divination classes in Harry Potter. I remember you saying this was for a younger audience, so that might just be me making the connection, and it is different enough to not be an issue, just something I thought I'd bring up.

Some things that I didn't like: The tub of blood, and the age appropriateness of casually referencing it. Also the social awareness that these kids seem to possess, it didn't feel like they were young. They seemed aware of the policing the districts, but the specific "So we don't interbreed" seemed odd. Perhaps that is just me but that didn't feel like information that would be pertinent to them as kids, just knowing that they weren't allowed to travel between them would suffice.

I was a little confused with the Coz scene, though I can't put my finger on why. It felt like a huge amount of backstory for her, just mentioning the baubles she had, and the prior conflict with Luon. Also Luon and Lyan sounded a bit to similar, but maybe that is just naming convention of the people.

I liked the story and it seems to be a very different direction from the first submission. I didn't get a great feel for the setting, but I liked meeting these characters. I would be more intrigued if they had noticed or paid more attention to the glass bauble, it seems like it will be very important and them just casually dismissing it made me all the more curious.

[Asmodemon]

What I wanted to say has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I really enjoyed this chapter.

[cjhuitt]

What I wanted to say has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I really enjoyed this chapter.

Ditto.

One quick note I haven't seen mentioned, right around here:

Not ‘specially,” Taez shrugged and went back to staring. “Your hair is very yellow,” she said at last as if it were a compliment.

I got confused as to who was speaking what lines. You might want to scan through it and make sure it's clear who says what. (My eventual guess was Taez said the first quoted part, but Coz said the second.)