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Aug 06 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 18


Asmodemon

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I'm back from my absence in the forums...I have been reading, just not posting. Very stressful month.

Anyway, I had to comment on this chapter. It has everything the last one didn't. The whole of chapters 16 and 17 seemed to be leading up to this point, where we finally get to a Shifter in action.

A few points:

I have to admit I cheered a little about Serissa. She was really starting to hold Rosalin back. Also glad to have Amaryllis back. She's a much more interesting character.

Near the end of the chapter, I was confused by whether Hemlock actually jumped or not. Does the staircase come from where he jumped or where he landed? Where is it in relation to Rosalin? That whole part feels like a big hint, but I'm not getting it.

This chapter has a good payoff to the reader and feels like the party is coming together and going to start on their adventure and do awesome things. Your action sequences read very well. The only problem is that this is comes about 50K words into the story. It's a little late. In my earlier comments, I said that the story sort of drags from chapters 8-14, and I still hold by that. All the parts with Dais and Rosalin wandering around the city bog things down. It gives opportunity for character development, but at the expense of the reader's attention. I think your beginning chapters, the ones with Black Rose, and the latest ones are really interesting. I would suggest to pare down the ones in-between to the bare bones to keep up the pace you can obviously set in the more exciting chapters. That would make a book I wouldn't be able to put down!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I liked the action at the start of the scene, but I was confused by the "Malice made manifest and she had reacted." That line kinda jerked me out of the story for a moment. I was thrown by "Serissa still breathed" and then a moment later she died. I thought by indicating she was still alive that she wasn't dying, just very badly wounded. Perhaps something like "She was badly wounded, her chest torn up and her breathing faint." Just as a bit of setup for her death

The beast was blinded early but hunted by smell. Then the line "Light flared, blinding her and the beast both." Next it says "Now, blind and nearly deaf" How did the beast become deafened? It's now only left with it's sense of smell, but I didn't see anything happen to deafen the creature, or Rosalin.

I really liked the characterization of "She's protecting us. Buying time" and "She really is a lady." It said a lot about how people see the world, and was great flavor for the scene.

There was a near PoV error, "The gleaming spear was like an extension of her body, like Kal's sword was to the swordsman." The fact that she felt comfortable, and then described that comfort, but then mentions that his feels the same way felt like a slip.

I didn't mind the ending of the chapter, but it came abruptly. Saying "Dais, wait!" seemed like one of those writer's cheap tricks to get us to read the next chapter. I would much rather that statement be followed by a short explanation of why she is holding them up, that makes for a better hook in my opinion.

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Some of the good:

Action! Danger! Fighting! Damsel (kid) in distress! This chapter has a lot going for it, which may (if the pace keeps up) make up for some of the slow pace of the chapters before it.

Serissa dies! Hurray! (You might be able to tell she had ceased to be a rooting-interest character, unless you count rooting for a bloody death. Oh, look at this, a present for me!)

Rosalin's potential danger of letting Rosen take control once more. I thought this could be developed just a touch more, however (depending on how much of a thing it is later in the book).

I even like the fact that Rosalin might feel some guilt for the way Serissa died. It may be an authorial perspective, but her death may have an additional bonus I hadn't anticipated before now.

Cook!

Rosalin with an actual weapon.

A near meeting of Black Rose and Rosalin, with stronger indications than ever before that there's something going on between the two of them.

Some of the bad:

It may have just been the blocking, but I didn't think it likely that Dias had moved so much as to let him go from at Ixia's side (at the end of the previous chapter) to across the pavilion from her, such that the beast could be between them.

I didn't care for the end of the chapter either. It felt like a (not quite cheap)-trick at this point. I think there are enough questions going on about what is happening that having an extra hook at the end of the chapter is unnecessary.

Some of the ugly:

I thought the opening paragraph had a couple places that were less than clear. Especially in a scene opening like this one, you want to keep the text clear and flowing quickly.

When Rosalin joins the fight, she lays Serissa back down. By this time, I had forgotten Rosalin had even picked her up -- if I ever knew. I just double-checked, and the best I could find was "Rosalin pulled her close". You might want to look at these two spots and make it more clear.

And finally, some ambivalence:

I'm not sure what I think about Amaryllis showing up just right here, with a handy weapon. It seems quite convenient, but I'm withholding judgement until I read more.

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