Mandamon Posted June 25, 2012 Report Share Posted June 25, 2012 Hello all, Here is the second part of The Best Kind of Present. Isaac and his mother have discovered that there is a rogue book in history that looks just like the one they use to navigate. Now they are trying to track it down. Thanks in advance for the feedback! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjhuitt Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 So, I think this excerpt has many of the same problems that the first portion has. It has many of the same good parts, also, but the similarity is going to make it hard for me to put down new insights about the story. So, some of the things I liked include the continuing play on the historical figures and their behavior, especially the way that Shakespeare spoke. I also liked that you called attention to the problems with the water running in the house, and so forth. I also liked the joke about Bacon being dinner or a person to visit. On the other hand, there is still the problem that Isaac isn't doing anything in particular. Sure, now he's starting to help find differences in time, but it's still a very inactive character. The next best character, his mother, is almost as bad. She's slightly active, but really only in trying to find information from the book. This part of the book almost suffers from the too-interesting-villian problem, where I like them the best, except that the closest thing to a villain in the story are the Greats that they are visiting. Still, they are causing the obstacles to the POV characters, and they are the fascinating part of the story. In fact, it seems like there could be a good story from one of their viewpoints, knowing that information and how that constrains their choices (or forces them). The bits where Isaac is stuck in the house/machine and his daily life are the slowest parts to read, for me, and that kind of relates to the previous paragraph -- there's no excitement there, no tension. It's just a boring routine, however exotic the setting it is in. Finally, while the story reads a lot like a series of journal entries (as you intended), it reads too naturally. That is, it's verbose and often repeats itself, much like a real person's journal would. Although there is a bit of a call for that in this style of story, since the journal needs to have some sort of verisimilitude, but I think it could be pruned quite a bit without losing any of the effect, at least for the part I've seen so far. It all seems a little slow (the visits with historical figures slightly less so, but still slow), and I think that could be improved some, anyway, just by boiling down the words to their essence as much as they can be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack the Halls Posted June 30, 2012 Report Share Posted June 30, 2012 Sorry about the late reply here! CJ makes some good points that I reiterate simply for emphasis. Pages 1- 4 - I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I think you really need to hang a lantern on this whole language thing. In Doctor Who, the TARDIS translates. In Farscape there are translator microbes. I don't think those would work for your story, but they're time travelers right? Why couldn't they go forward in time, pick up Rosetta Stone v 345 that helps you learn a language in a week or something? - Why wouldn't he just go look something (like Stocism) up that he didn't understand so that his journal would be more accurate? I say this because you sort of breeze over the Stoicism part. - Descriptions. They show up and talk to Zero. What does he look like? What does his home look like? One of the main things I like about time travel stories is feeling like I have been transported in time. This happens with all of the people they visit in this chapter. - I like that it's the same book. Pages 5 - 9 - I feel more description about the interior of the house is necessary. I imagine his room is very important to him because he probably spends a LOT of time in there, so it would be important to him. Yet so far we have yet to get a mention. Stuff like the part about the water later. - How come I feel like you should have scenes when they are traveling? You specifically state that it takes a while to get to a different time, yet it feels like they are jumping in and out without a wait. - Like in the first part, I feel like both of your encounters with Greats are somewhat redundant. The information, or lack of information, seems redundant. Personally, I feel like if you just had Socrates, one of the first two in this part, and Shakespeare (my favorite part by far), that you could get across everything you have so far in about half the pages. Pages 10 - 13 - The Mom thing is good, but I'm going to have to throw out a show vs tell here. Show us him trying to call her mom earlier and have her correct him. I also feel like there should be a reason that she allows him to call her Mom now. Like, she should see something in him that she didn't before. Or something. - We get a little bit more scenery inside the house here, which is good. The fact that the clothes are in a pile is a good example of showing instead of telling. I'm able to deduce that Mom is either a) overly preoccupied, or at least messy. (Though she does scold him about a messy room, so...) - Small question. Why aren't these Greats inventing books one they see one? - Does he have some sort of recording device so he can transcribe? - So it isn't all in his father's hand? I'm still a little confused why it took them 5 years to get on this trail. - The bacon part is great. Pages 14 - 19 - I like that he seems far smarter and more mature in this part. Picking up on Bacon wanting a bribe, for instance. - Why is it unlikely that there is another time machine out there? Pages 20 - 26 - As to what C said about the journal-style. This is a journal, yet I don't really know anything about Isaac or how he feels about all this. I don't even get the impression that he wants to find his dad. The part about his mom getting on him for not cleaning his room is the only real mother/son aspect to their relationship that I've seen so far. And I agree that their adventures seem rather dull, especially since they seem to only stay in one place for a few minutes, tops. If the boredom weighs on Isaac, and it shows in the journal, it might be a bit different. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2012 Thanks so much for the feedback! So I'm hearing pretty consistent things, some of which I remember worrying about when I was writing, which usually means it's a problem. The first half of the book, at least, follows the same trend, so I feel like I should take some time to rewrite before posting anything else. Otherwise you're just going to be making the same comments over again. I've heard these problems so far: 1) Isaac is only responding to things. 2) If I'm using a concept or philosophy, make sure I explain it. 3) Address culture clash and language barriers. 4) Bring out the mother/son relationship and describe more completely how they live together. 5) Either make the Greats the sole focus (which they aren't), or make them more of a road trip/sight seeing attraction, on the way to rescuing Isaac's father. 6) The journal. I debated doing this plain first person, but I thought the journal would cut out a lot of the downtime while they are traveling. But it also forces Isaac's reaction to be less active, as he's relating something that already happenened. I may try plain first person and see if that helps. Any thoughts on this? Anyone else with experience writing journal entries? Anything else I need to work on? Thanks again! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjhuitt Posted July 1, 2012 Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 6) The journal. I debated doing this plain first person, but I thought the journal would cut out a lot of the downtime while they are traveling. But it also forces Isaac's reaction to be less active, as he's relating something that already happenened. I may try plain first person and see if that helps. Any thoughts on this? Anyone else with experience writing journal entries? There's nothing that says you can't interleave journal entries with more active scenes, either. I don't know if you want to, but it's certainly possible. The main thing I'd say about that is make sure it is clear which are which. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 Hmm...good thought. I may try that! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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