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May 8 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 13


Asmodemon

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I'll jump right in.

Things I liked/ thought worked well:

• This is the first time I've read any of your work so the character was initially unfamiliar and I don't know any of the story beyond your summary, however within the first few pages you had covered much of the preceding material and helped me to understand the situation the character was in, I got a very good section of his voice and how he saw the city in terms of the desert descriptions really got me going on the resource scarcity, even when he described things like the crumbling walls, you could probably lay t up a little more if you wanted to.

• Absolutely loved the whole chapter in general, felt the action during the second half very intensely. Although the first half was a little less punchy, it maintained the drama throughout, conveying his motivations about getting his father back while relaying the increasingly desperate state of both the city and Dais. I really like how you've tied the well-being of the main character into the wellbeing of the city, helps to keep the reader appraised of the city's situation even when you're describing how Dais isn't getting enough moisture/water.

• I liked the ending of the chapter as well, it really made e want to know what happened next, with the literal cliffhanger. However, Writing Excuses advises not to be ending each chapter in this fashion, as I haven't read them yet, this more a warning than a correction. It worked really well here.

Things I didn't like so much:

• I'm a little bit concerned about the name kniphofia, it just seems a little strange that the two different "f" sounds are being combined in one word.

• When you get to Kniphofia's entrance you could add some description of her, even though it's pretty much a single line scene for her. Perhaps you could put a single item of description in? For Amelanchier, who the character clearly knows we get the bit about his hat, but this relatively new character, or one whom Dais doesn't recognise, is left as a sort of blank slate beyond strong woman with a sack.

• When we got to the action scene, i.e. the chase bit, I thought that you very effectively described the urchin characters, but I wasn't really clear on their motive, were they chasing him because this was the second time he had been found on their turf, or because they also need water and he might take their resources, do they think that he killed one of them because of a mix up earlier in the book? I wanted to know why they chasing him, and even if you covered it earlier in the book, a single line of reported thought could bring it back to the reader, i.e. "Why hadn't they given up chasing him already? I've escaped them three times." or if he knows why they're chasing him, "I can't believe that a single drink from their storage would make them chase me like this, it's been over three weeks."

Although both of my examples felt very expository and info-dumpy I'm sure that you could weave it in much better.

All in all, an exciting chapter filled with action, I think the reader needs to get a bit more of the motivations of both antagonistic parties, Amelanchier and the urchins, although I guess that both of these have been covered in earlier chapters.

James

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Right off the bat, I'm happy to see another Dias chapter (as I believe I've mentioned earlier).

The scene setting was necessary, and to me added a few bits of information I don't recall from earlier (such as the storms being a way off), but the way in which it was presented was a little rough. The example that jumped out the most to me was in the first paragraph, were Dias is "losing moisture he could ill afford to lose", which is an odd repetition of lose. Sometimes I think there might have been a mixup or two in editing as well, such as the pair of sentences that finish the first paragraph, wishing for the clouds but not desiring them in the night.

Another small item I noticed, was in this sentence: "The sun-bleached stone felt crumbly underneath his hand and when he lifted it specks of stone stuck to his palm". This is possibly me not quite catching things properly, but the "it" referred to here makes me think of the stone, or possibly the roof, and then I get the feeling that it's absurd Dias is lifting a roof. It took me three times reading the sentence to comprehend it properly -- and not when I was falling asleep, mind you, where I customarily take four or five goes to understand some sentences.

I did like that Dias realized his earlier plan of dropping down into the house had not been entirely well thought out.

I'll agree with James that it might be nice to have a sentence or two describing Kniphofia and Amelanchier when Dias sees them again. In fact, it might help to relate them to the earlier characters a little more strongly, because when I first saw the name I had to spend some time trying to recall when I had encountered the person before. I had almost concluded I hadn't when I recalled the first Dias chapter and his encounter then. of course, part of this might be getting the chapters so spaced out, but I've heard advice that it rarely hurts to give the reader a couple small hints to help them make those connections.

The jump that Dias makes from time spent wondering what they were tunneling for to deciding they were sapping the wall seemed abrupt to me. First of all, I question if that is really what is happening, although I don't doubt the two are up to something suspicious. But to go along with that, I kind of wanted to get a hint of Dias' thought process in deciding that was what they were doing, both to get a better feel for Dias and to see if I (as a reader) can see any potentially wrong assumptions to either gleefully anticipate being corrected, or worry about on behalf of Dias' well-being.

I would also like to note that Dias' plan is awful. Also, what does he hope to accomplish with his plan? Just verify that it was his father? Or does he hope to try and rescue his father as well? To me, it sounds like an easier and more sure way of finding his father would be to just get caught by the ones working and thrown in with him. It'd be simpler than trying to run around them and then getting trapped in the house they are guarding.

I thought the section where Dias realized the sound wasn't rocks shifting in the wind could be smoothed just a touch as well. I also thought that the sentence you use first in the paragraph where Dias starts running is a little long for the sudden shift to action that I think you want to describe. Also, the description of the kids confused me with the count -- there were four rugged kids, two lanky ones, an urchin and a chunky kid, right? I had to read it again to realize there were only four, not eight.

I'm going to divert for a second here and talk about the (lack of) water, because this was when I started thinking about it, when it started affecting Dias. It could be my poor memory, but I didn't recall Dias having a problem with water. I thought the group he was with had located near a well or something? It's possible I'm completely missing something from before to cover this, but it was a thought that distracted me here, so I figured I'd better mention it.

On a second read-through, I noticed at least one passive voice sentence -- "The reaching had was rebuffed and...". I don't think the passive is necessarily a problem, although you may want to look at it, but to me it didn't describe the action in quite the detail I wanted. Did Dias knock his hand away? Something else? Did the other boy just miss?

About the cliffhanger (cliff jumper?) ending, I would like to say that I hope the next chapter picks up on Dias again. If it doesn't, I will be moderately irritated. However, there are aspects to the ending that you could tweak to make me less irritated, if that was the case. Mostly, it's a matter of filling in a little more detail to the tension. If I know what exactly Dias is trying to accomplish with his jump -- besides evading his pursuers -- I may be willing to wait longer to find out if he succeeds. Is he jumping across an alleyway? Down into a group of people? Did he have any steps to wind up? Perhaps he jumped blindly, but halfway through the jump he saw exactly how screwed he was after all? Basically, right now it's kind of a grey expanse to me with just a ledge, a group of pursuers, Dias, and people on the street below. With more details, I can imagine and anticipate potential outcomes, and I'd be willing to live with the tension for longer. Without those details, I want to be able to move on to the next occurrence in Dias' story, instead of leaving him hanging in midair.

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