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CommandanteLemming

Reading Excuses 9/12/2014 - Commandante Lemming - Haruwin Submission 3 (L)

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So, we're flipping back to Haruwin this week - expect the stories to continue alternating without clear logic to which shows up in your inbox :-)
 

To bring you up to speed - the story is set in a reality where the Selk'nam tribe at the southern tip of South America has survived to become a modern nation called the "Great Haruwin". Our protagonist is Praxedes Nam Chon, a grad student in History who serves as the resident assistant in the dormitories of her university and spends her free time playing an online history game called "PM2". Last submission, her night was interrupted by a mysterious figure named Adah who moved in a new student out of schedule. The next morning, Praxedes found the new girl, Anna, to be rebellious, disoriented, and unsure where she was. The chapter ended with Anna revealing that she also plays PM2, but claimed to have the same screen name as Praxedes. 

 

We pick up mid-chapter to finish off their conversation and see what's going on - and then things get even weirder.  Interested to see what you all think.

 

Quick note if you catch it that yes, Anna's last name has been slightly changed from Malihi to Malinski for reasons that become apparent in the text. 

 


 



 

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I don't follow all of the references in pages 3-4, obviously, but I like it.  You don't try to maid and butler the dialogue with Praxedes and Anna explaining to each other the things they should know.  I can pick up enough of the mirroring between the two games of PM2 to sort of follow.

I love the idea that someone went on vacation and caused WWI.

 

An...interesting header for chapter 4...

 

Ah.  This answers the other question I had, about who Praxedes' ancestor was.  

 

I'm still a little confused about who is who, but I'm willing to read on and find out.  I think I'm forgetting some of what happened in the very first submission.

 

There's a lot of "nephew" and "uncle" when Damascus and Pius are talking.  That might just be the way the address each other.

 

I'm still liking the alternate history and how the two worlds are meshing.  I really don't have much negative to say.  I'm interested to see how the two storylines start coming together and what plans you have for Praxedes and Anna.  

Just out of curiosity, do you have an outline for this, or are you discovery writing it?

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I have a rough mental outline of the order of the flashback scenes (I had a lot of pre-written history to pair down to what was relevant to the characters), but I'm mostly discovery writing the modern day stuff. That's a deviation for me compared to Millenial Reign which is more planned. That has it's goods and bads - the good being that I'm able to pace it a bit better, the bad being that I'm still not sure exactly what the main plot is for Prax and Anna - and I'd like them to have a bit more action than just functioning as the storytellers for what's essentially becoming "It's A Wonderful Life" on acid. 
 
I know what they need to see and roughly what I'm writing toward and how it ends for Praxedes, but I'm still trying to figured out the modern-day plot arc to go with the one told in flashback.
 
Also, Praxedes' ancestor isn't who you think she is.

 

Modern Praxedes isn't descended from Lady Praxedes - she's descended from Mary. That will become apparent soon.

Edited by CommandanteLemming
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Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back onto Reading Excuses, I blame Write About Dragons; Start Write Now; NaNoWriMo and Christmas. Anyway, glad to have another portion of Haruwin to read.

 

Repetition of ‘deal’ in different contexts close together on Page 2.

 

I love the brain bending complexity of Praxedes’ and Anna’s mutual discovery of each other, it really took me some concentration to warp my head around it. I think it’s well done. Seems to me the full effect relies on that section being very accurate, and that if you are going to edit any scene obsessively it should be that one. I thought it was the centre piece of the opening, it’s clearly the major reveal for the story, so I would lavish a lot of attention on it.

 

I love Praxedes' line about ‘thought you would look more academic’ (paraphrase, sorry).

 

Page 5 repetition – ‘move’ and ‘moved’ very close together.

 

Fashionable monkey – LOL.

 

If Ych has dust on his shoes then the dirt street can’t be muddy, I think.

 

I find the ‘mock-Cockney’ (or whatever) accent a bit distracting.

 

Another interesting submission, I’ll admit to feeling a little lost in places as to where we are, but I like the complexity and keep reading with confidence that all will be explained to me in due course, as has happened so far. I like the challenge of the twin settings and the mirroring of the games, it feels like something different from any other submission I’ve read on Reading Excuses, and that in itself is a recommendation.

 

I hope you’re going to continue to submit and push on to the end. I’d be keen to see it as a completed work on the Alpha Readers thread to have the opportunity to read the whole thing.

 

Don’t stop writing!!

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