April 24 2012 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 12

[Asmodemon]

In this chapter Black Rose leads an imperial cavalry force through the Passage of Elders south, under the watchful eyes of the mountain tribes and a powerful beast.

[Piestein]

Hi. Before I begin, I must say that I havenùt done this in well... a year. So I may be a bit rusty and I may be wrong on more than one accounts. This is my advice and just to make things right, I read the story as soon as I got it and reread it during this post, ot be more objective. Also, sorry if I misspell - new keyboard (not qwerty).

Now, to begin with, I noticed that people don't usually go sentence per sentence, but considering that this is your first line on the chapter... Well, it's not your hook, but I still think it's important.

Black Rose allowed Chase, her young brown mare, to thunder across the lone path through the stone forest, heading for the lookout point at breakneck speeds

This isn't a bad first line - I can't say more than that, because I haven't read the previous chapters, so I don't know how this fits with the other part of the story. But at any rate, it works; however, take a second look at it. I don't write this reply to write the phrase instead of you, so I won't give a direct suggestion, but it begins kind of too slowly. I know that you want to begin slowly, but some parts of this sentence can be cut off and it will improve flow. In the same sentence and in this order, you introduce first off the horse, then the setting, then the destination and the speed. You want to say she allowed her horse to thunder across at breakneck speeds; but at the same time, you want to describe the setting and tell us how her horse is called (both of which you can do in the second sentence), so you breqk the real sentence - BLack Rose allowed Chase to thunder across the lone path at breakneck speeds - twice.

Anyway, what you wrote works as well and technically, you don't have to stress it as much as I did since it's already chapter 12. But this was just my first impression.

Concerning your narrative and your description in general, I believe you really try to tell us everything that you picture and this is a good thing. You can really get a clear image about the surroundings and in general, the ideas that go through the main character's mind. That being said, however, I suggest you try and cut out whatever doesn't bring us any new information - phrases like, "Anything was possible." If you just spent 4-5 lines to describe the surroundings or the possibilities for an attack, then just let the description speak for itself. You tell us that Black Rose can get killed by arrows, swords and magic - we already got it, she's exposed. And the reason why I'm stressing this is that if you actually then tell me, the reader, that anything is possible, then I get slightly annoyed, the I-got-it-already type of reaction, then I get the slight reaction when you see something redundant and because of all these emotions, instead of immersing myself in the book, I'm distancing myself.

What I'm trying to say is that it's good, but it would be better if you either show us something (like in the scene - "From that place a Walker could rain devastation on the Passage of Elders with impunity, warriors could unleash arrows, let loose an avalanche of stones.") or tell us - "Anything was possible." Of course, in the majority of cases, showing is better than telling.

That aside, there is something that's bothering me a bit through the story. Sometimes, your sentences end a bit too abruptly and sometimes, they are a bit too long. Like in this scene: "She let the arrow fly. It flew true. Another tribesman appeared at the barricade, jumping in front of the shot with a round, leather-bound, shield. The arrow dug into the shield, knocking the tribesmen into her target. " You have two brief sentences back-to-back - and brief sentences usually imply importance - that basically say that she let the arrow fly and it went in the air. The first time when I read "It flew true", I actually thought that it had hit the person it was aiming for. Then, I got confused when I read the next bit and I actually had to reread the scene in order to get whatùs going on. Now, I may have been a bit dense when reading, but you have to anticipate dense readers like me. WIth four sentences here you basically describe two ideas - the arrow was let loose and it was true (1), but somebody jumped in the way (2). You see that there is a disbalance between the number of sentences, their length and the ideas behind them. I'm using this scene as an example, but this is a recurrent issue - you don't really need to say that the arrow flew true, but then somebody jumped infront of the target. If somebody jumped in front of the target to save them, then it's obvious that it flew true.

It's good that you picture all that in your head - all the events, one by one, happening one after another, because there are no holes in the narrative. But saying too much can actually have the opposite effect.

Now, at a certain point in the narrative, you ask 5 inner questions one after another. In itself, this isn't bad and you don't have to cut those or do anything about them, but you can't have 5 questions one after another at the same time. I would suggest just transforming them into normal sentences that end with a fullstop. The fact that she is having doubts and asking herself questions doesn't mean that they must appear as questions in the narrative, too. Just transform some of the questions into normal sentences (not just putting a fullstop instead of a questionmark, of course).

I say that much concerning your narrative because I really don't have anything to say about your dialogue. It's okay, but there's nothing more I can say - the chapter is description and narrative heavy. The dialogue doesn't need your immediate attention though - it works.

Concerning your characters, you've done a good job with the main character in the chapter - Black Rose. You really get the feeling you're behind her back all the way through the chapter, so congratulations for that.

I didn't get a lot concerning the outrider, but I imagine you described his appearance earlier in the book, so I can't say anything about him. Except, perhaps, keep in mind that in this chapter, he is kind of a grey figure - I don't really get to know a lot about him, not more than the fact that he follows orders and likes his men to be alive. I don't know if he's a main character in your book or not and maybe you've already taken the time to describe him better and to suggest what his character is like. If not, then I believe you should, since otherwise, in this scene, we have 1 character and lots of dolls (I don't even know how big is the avant-garde). Try, on a separate piece of paper, without it being included in the book, writing all you know about him - his past, his flaws, his good side. Create a whole character for him. Then, all you have to do will be to listen to what he has to say and do in each scene, because once you get to know him, you'll know what he's doing.

My final and last remark would be about what happens in this chapter. I can see that it is somewhat of a transition chapter, but the way I see it, two distinct things happen here, without any relation between one and the other - on the one side, there is the invasion of the post and on the other - the Shifter. Both are needed obviously for the future development of the story. However, I suggest you tie them together in some way - it doesn't need to be complicated, just for example, you can make him attack when they conquer the post. The idea is that the two events get closer together temporally or physically - of course, if you want to, you can create a cause-effect relationship between the two, but that is not necessary. The reason why I'm suggesting that you get them closer is that at the moment, it's as if you have two chapters, but they are too short, so you just merged them.

Anyway, all that said, I found the chapter promising. I'm interested to know what happens next and I think this is the best quality that a book needs - to make you want to turn the page. I hope my remarks have been hempful and I hope that they haven't been offensive. Again, they might be incorrect because I didn't read any of the previous chapters, but based on what I read, this is my honest, unprofessional opinion. Hope it's enough.

[Yados]

Oh no. I meant to uprep not downrep. I'm so sorry. Could a mod see to that?

Stupid touchscreen.

[cjhuitt]

On a high-level overview, I have a few concerns with this chapter. The first one is that I was disappointed when I opened it up and saw it was a Black Rose chapter -- this can be good and bad. Good, in that I was interested in the previous chapter, and wanted to know what happened after the ending there. I wanted to see the repercussions, but I'll assume I get to see them sometime and wait for that (but be disappointed if I never see them). The bad is that I'm really not attached to the Black Rose character so far. My internal hope when I started the chapter was that it would end with her taking control of the siege of -- I can't remember the city's name, but where the other viewpoint characters are. Even with that, I had a desire to read through this one quickly, so I could get back to the other characters.

From what I've read so far -- and I think I've read almost every chapter of this version -- the Black Rose chapters come across as fairly inconsistent to me. Some of them are great, although somewhat confusing; the prologue was one example of this. Some of them I've found slow going, although with interesting parts, like chapter (9?), the last Black Rose chapter. I recall my comments there mentioned the pace, and where I found the chapter more and less interesting. That one was also more straightforward and less confusing for me. I recall the chapter with Black Rose escaping her prison, where I was primarily confused throughout the scene, and then this one is a mix -- I'm occasionally confused, and occasionally bored, and occasionally liking her scenes.

One aspect leading to this that I think I've identified is the ratio of inner thoughts to outer action and dialog. It may just be my recollection, but it seems like Black Rose is very inner thought-oriented. A lot of her chapters involve her observing things and thinking about them, and fewer seem to have her involved in action. Even in this chapter at the beginning, full of action, reads slowly to me and as if she's merely observing it, instead of experiencing it. I kind of wonder if it's a POV issue, in that the writing seems almost third-person cinematic, with the occasional portrayal of Black Rose's thoughts. I don't know how to resolve this, but it seems like an uncomfortable tension to me. Perhaps a shade closer, or a shade further away (narratively speaking) would make it work better?

The other aspect I mentioned before is confusion. It seems to be more so with Black Rose chapters than the others since Black Rose the character knows about this world and the magic that can be done in it, while the reader doesn't necessarily. I think at times, by not dwelling on what Black Rose wouldn't dwell upon, the reader ends up not getting the information from the story that they could possibly use. Examples here include the thought at the beginning about a Walker raining down destruction (what's a walker?), Nertera being an ill-omened name (what? why?), the large predator, and the Shifter (which may be the same as the predator; that wasn't clear to me either), and a Tyrant.

Speaking of the Shifter, I have a couple of potential issues with his (its?) appearance here. The first is that he seems to come out of nowhere -- well, not exactly nowhere, as Black Rose and Chelone ride ahead of the others (why??) and find him. The second has more to do with the place in the story of his introduction, and I don't know if it is really problem or not, but it could be. This is the twelfth chapter, and there was a prologue. Most of the chapters have been around 3000 to 4000 words, so that means this comes in at about 42k words into the story. Depending on how long the story is, I would consider this past act 1 (introduction of the players) and into act 2. Looking at the story of Black Rose, as well, this seems somewhere between the start of act 2 and the turning point for her character arc. Given that (and recall that this is just my general impression and guessing), it seems late to introduce someone as portentously as this.

Of course, I could also be wrong about the importance Hemlock is going to play. It just seems like he was introduced to the story in such a way as to make him a fairly major player, with little hint of his entrance (going back to the feeling of abruptness I mentioned earlier).

You may want to take another read through this chapter for clarity. One sentence in particular jumped out at me near the end, starting with "With a look that could kill Chelone said". I think that the first part is describing what Chelone did, while saying something, but... Also, I was slightly confused by the description of the scouts exposing their stomachs. Are they supposed to be lesser shifters as well? If so, it wasn't mentioned in the text that I could find. Where they just overcome by the shifter's dominating presence? That doesn't really make sense to me either, and wouldn't that affect the others she was giving orders to? Was it a description of how he had arranged the (killed?) scouts he had subdued? If so, again, I couldn't get it from the text.

I'm still looking forward to the chapters as they come out, despite that I may be finding a lot of things to raise concerns over. Do continue to send more (and let me see the consequences from last chapter!)