Robinski Waifs and Strays Submission 10 (V) 2420 words

[Robinski]

Okay, so last week did not go at all as planned. I thought I would start by just jotting down the revised prologue, before going on to finishing Chapter 6. That way I could just flag some point up, and try and get the tone that I was looking for in the new opening. 10 days and 2,400 words later, I’ve got a prologue that would choke a horse (longer than I wanted, shorter than 65 page WoT efforts), and I haven’t even started finishing Chapter 6. I wasn’t even planning on submitting this prologue, but if I don’t, I’ve got nothing to put up.

 

So, without further ado, here is a new prologue to Waifs and Strays, and I’ll say not more about it. Comments very much appreciated.

 

Cheers, Robinski.  

[CommandanteLemming]

Sorry it took me so long to get to this - not a great reading week for me but I wanted to at least get one read, and I wouldn't miss a W&S chapter. 

 

I like putting this action in the prologue - it sets up Benam's identity nicely for later. I also really like how you're setting up the fact that he thinks the praise is misplaced - he did something heroic but at some level sees himself as a charlatan.

 

The Theracians are interesting, but setting them up this early means their culture better play a big role later.

 

One thing i don't like is the bishop and the fact that his prayer is fully written out - it slows things down and it's a bit of a heavy handed way of worldbuilding.

 

The king's speech is good - I wonder if narrating the whole ceremony is slowing things down though - but the actual writing is solid. I find the king an interesting chap. One quibble is that I don't like the use of the word "bullying" - insufficiently anachronistic verbiage for this type of fantasy.

 

"Cheering and shouting with angry bravado rolled around the square." - like that sentence for some reason.  

 

"the crowd’s broken shouting and urging ringing in his ears." - not a fan of "urging" ringing in my ears - not a sound I can place. Just have their shouts ring in  his ears. 

 

The description of Benam pulling the row of handles is exquisite. Like that he's raging with anger at the invaders and simultaneously disgusted with his own actions. 

 

I like the Threracian commander - but I'd consider making him even more aggressive/disgusted - maybe have him spit in Benam's face or something - just an idea. 

 

Okay - now I think the kin is one sick SOB. Wow.

 

And finally, the burning of the bodies is interesting. I really want to know why he did that and that sets you up nicely.

 

Funny enough this reminds me a lot of my own prologue for "Millenial Reign" - but executed better. You gave me some really interesting things to think about in reworking my own stuff here. Really love what's going on in Benam's head. Only real qualm is that I would cut the Bishop entirely or shrink his role dramatically. You'll have time to build the religion later. 

 

Good stuff!

[Robinski]

Must admit I was wondering if anyone was going to read my submission, but I should never have doubted that you would get to it!! Much appreciated, and they are great comments - very interesting.

 

Believe it or not, the bishop was added after a comment from the Write About Dragons group. Previously, it was the mayor who recited the prayer. The thing for me to focus on, I suppose, is that I've had two comments about the prayer, so I accept that something's not working. Fair comment.

 

"Bullying" - okay, I can tweak that - I'll take another pass at that part, and "urging" too, I can see where you're coming from on those.

 

Point noted on the commander. I actually pulled back from him spitting in Benam's face, although it's a real zinger. I feel as if I've seen it or read it a few times, but I take your point about making his reaction stronger. Gives me an idea actually - something like "I'd spit in your face, but it would dishonour me."

 

Aaaaand there's the reaction to the king. I think you're the fourth person to read this and it's been a pretty uniform "Euw!" or words to that effect. This prologue is 30 years before the main action of the story (Benam being an old(ish) man by then). Imagine what a delightful chap Menalothen might have become in the interim.

 

It's really satisfying to get such good comments, thank you, Lemming, I'm glad you found some enjoyment in it. What you say about taking something back to your own work is both rewarding and humbling. Very kind.

 

I will get around to critiquing everything on the site, including your upcoming Haruwin instalment, which I'm definitely looking forward too, but it might take me a week or more, as it's the final push on Write About Dragons.

[Mandamon]

I would make more comments, but you're probably sick of me...;-)

[Robinski]

Nah, never.

 

If you had the remotest idea what I was talking about, I would liken you to Dougie "Two Answers" Anderson on the popular sports punditry quiz show Fighting Talk on BBC Radio 5Live who, as the sobriquet would suggest, has a penchant for giving two answers when only one is called for. But you wouldn't, so I won't.

 

However, if you've got more to comment on - fire away!

Edited October 12, 2014 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Nope, no idea, but I'll see if I can catch it!  I'm in your time zone this week, working in Desford.  Have to get used to that "driving on the wrong side of the road" thing...

Glad you made the change to the bishop rather than the mayor.

 

(see what I did there...two comments in one...)

[Robinski]

Welcome back to the UK, it's the same size as it was when you left it (which was in doubt, of course).

 

The bishop will be pleased - as you have probably granted him a reprieve :-)