March 5, '12 – Hubay; Lord Domestic Ch 2(Lisu/duko)

[Hubay]

Hey all, this was supposed to come in last week, and it completely slipped my mind. Here we introduce my last POV character, Duko. I know there were a few points about how similar my names are, and I intend to change that later on. Right now, though, This is how I think of my characters, so I don't want to switch their names up. Anyways, lemme know what you think. Duko's a bit problematic because his defining "magic" makes everyone hate or fear him. So he's not exactly happy with his lot in life, but I'm determined to make him as little angsty as possible.

Lord Domestic, Ch.2 (Lisu/Duko) – (L,V,S)

Summary: Lisu Carsada, a ivy-metsi (she can run up walls) and a freed Druyan slave, flees a group of legionaries who try to conscript her.

Worried the imperial Legion is hunting her, Lisu turns to Duko to hide her "scent."

[LongTimeUnderdog]

I find this story interesting, and I'm a sucker for a good heist. My first real issue is the word “conventional,” when talking about observations and things or tracking. When I hear conventional I think of the common “how to” of something. Conventional banking involves a bank with ledgers and interest and all that. Unconventional banking could be anything from burying it in the back yard to black market investments. So with magic people around to do things differently, both mundane and magic means seem like they would be . . . conventional to me.

And then the word sleazebag. Maybe I'm coming in late on this, but this Lisu person is coming off as very . . . youthful . . . but the descriptions of her make her seem older and so I would have expected naïve, not . . . a child.

Also, she sure doesn't act like someone who's thinking some guy is going to kill her, despite her mentioning it. If I thought someone was going to kill me, I'd be either more compliant with their requests or I'd be looking for something to stab them with. She takes no precautions during their whole conversation.

Duko, but contrast, is entirely believable. He looks to keep control of the situation, to get everything his way. It seems to me the only reason he even gives the girl something is because that's just good business. It attracts more business. I like him. I like his “I don't blame” her attitude and I particularly enjoyed that everything still bugged him. He seems like a nice (not-nice) person, and that makes him interesting because I get that he's really not.

[Hubay]

Thanks for the feedback. In this chapter I'm trying to show how people see Duko by contrasting his and her POV's. People either hate or fear him, depending on how 'confident' they feel (if they think they can take duko in a fight, they'll be more combative, and if they think he can over-power them, they'll be terrified). So I'm trying to hint at that, but I get the feeling that there's some unintended consequences with Lisu's characterization. I'll try to make her seem more reasonable in my re-write.

[cjhuitt]

I thought the start of the chapter was a little odd. It makes some sense viewed as an omniscient narrator sliding into 3rd limited POV, but to me it just distracts from the start of the scene between Duko and Lisu. I wonder if it might work better having some of it come from Lisu's POV partway through the chapter. I don't think we need most of it right here; it can be assumed from the end of the previous chapter that he can help her somehow, and we have the immediate conflict of him wondering what's in it for himself.

Lisu is described as meddling her ivy back to health. Is that the word you want? "Meddle"? Also, depending on the actions she is doing, this might or might not be a small POV error. It depends on if the action can be properly interpreted by Duko without knowing what she was thinking.

Speaking of words, I wonder if you meant "spiel" instead of "schpeal"?

Overall, I liked Duko in this chapter, and thought he was more interesting to read about than Lisu. Part of that may be the inevitable contrast between someone who knows what he wants out of the situation (more or less), and someone who's reluctant to take the next step in what they are forced to do.

What does Lisu knowing how to dance have to do with the heist? That's just left there, as if it should be obvious to everyone, but I don't understand it right now, and have the feeling that it might be worth explaining somehow, or not mentioning. Also, if she's one of three people in the city with this magic, and the other two aren't capable of working this heist, wouldn't she worry that the blame would naturally fall straight to her?

I had some problems with Lisu's varying perceptions of Duko. It seemed like she was either cowering from him or trying to bait him, and it switched back and forth too quickly for me. For instance, I thought her pressing him on the favors he asks of women was a bit much. The information revealed was interesting in what it said about his character, but I think there might be another way to get to it.

I wonder if Duko might be a little more matter-of-fact about some of the things he suggests Lisu do, like eating and cutting her hair. For a bit, it seems like he is cajoling her into doing those things. Maybe it's part of his agreement, or how he views it anyway -- he helps keep her safe, and part of that is keeping her from being recognized, or falling in a faint from hunger. If so, it might be nice to get a bit of that reasoning from him, either in conversation or just from his POV later in the chapter.

Finally, I think it might be nice to get a little deeper into Duko's head with some of the other sensations. In particular, I'm wondering about the pungent wine and the onion. Does he enjoy that food, or does he force himself to eat it for some of his stench abilities to work? Something from Lisu might be nice also, related to the smell. Did she expect him to stink? Did he stink? Does he resemble something that smells, either by mental association on her part or actually cultivating that image on his? Things like that would be nice to see sprinkled throughout the chapter.

[Asmodemon]

I liked the character of Duko. Very assured of himself. Knows what he wants and how to get it, he’s in an underdog position and generally despised. Lisu feels more childish in this chapter, less sure than she was in the last. In that chapter she seemed prepared for escape, now, all of that is gone. Just a scared girl on the run who doesn’t know what she’s doing. I’m not sure I like that, but we’ll see where her character goes.

When we’re in Duko’s perspective we learn he has a ‘condition’. The way he describes himself as fairly attractive is offset by this mysterious condition that horrifies people. Does it do something physical to him? I thought it did and was annoyed when we were in Lisu’s perspective that you didn’t clarify. I mean I get why he wouldn’t dwell on it, but Lisu’s so uncomfortable it’s only natural she would think about it.

Only at the end do we learn he killed his own familiar, but what that did to him remains unknown. What I’ve seen so far doesn’t make complete sense. If he had a dog familiar that might explain why other dog metsi have problems with him, but so far I’ve seen no special kinship between different metsi or normal people that explains why everyone is so horrified about Duko except for what he’s known for. If he left the capital and went somewhere he wasn’t known he wouldn’t have so much trouble in his life. Or am I wrong? And why does food go bad around him?

The word schpeal made me pause, like CJHuitt I thought you meant ‘spiel’. Google pointed me to an entry in the urban dictionary, which seems to embody the intent of the sentence, but I haven’t found the word in any other dictionary I own. And I was thrown out of the chapter to look it up.

There’s a lack of descriptions in this chapter as well, Duko’s house/establishment might as well be a void. I’d also move his description of himself to Lisu’s POV, it would feel more natural if she sat there looking at him, wondering how a fairly attractive man could’ve become so horrifying, rather than having Duko think vainly about himself.