If Other Authors Wrote the Cosmere Novels

[GroundPetrel]

Accidentally put this in the wrong thread, have expanded it. 

 

If JK Rowling wrote the Cosmere...

Kelsier would be an evil moustache-twirling ultraNazi who wants to end mankind and knowingly and happily works for Ruin. 

The Lord Ruler would be a fumbling imbecile but ultimately worthy of respect because of his position as ruler. 

The skaa would be happy in their slavery and would become miserable drunks when freed. 

Some small marginalized ethnic group (Horneaters?  Terris?  Herdazians?) would have big hooked noses and would control the money supply on some planet.  They would be mean stingy nasty creatures who nobody likes and who are nasty and treacherous.  The more people pointed out the implications, the more overt they would get. 

Kaladin's slave brand would hurt whenever Amaram was thinking about him or in the vicinity. 

Wax would happily go along with Sazed's manipulations and would unironically and uncritically believe him to be the greatest person alive. 

Kaladin's greatest ambition in life would be to be a lighteyes cop.  He would be enslaved without Amaram offering him the shards and would accept the ones Adolin gave him without a second thought.  He would also be revered throughout Alethkar as a chosen one. 

Shallan would be lectured regularly on staying in school, studying hard, and never trying to change the system because that's bad and what dangerous radicals do. 

Dalinar would be "revealed" to be gay and in love with Odium like 10 years after the end of Stormlight in a Tweet, which would also include a confusing and disgusting statement about Alethi bathroom habits that nobody asked for, wanted, or needed. 

[Siri]

If Brandon Mull wrote stormlight:

Most of the spren would live on preserves.

Kaladin and Shallon would be the brother/sister duo that, while visiting  their uncle Dalinar on a preserve, discover how to bond spren. Shallon would bond a fairy spren and kaladin would bond an imp or a troll. 

Bridge 4 is comprised of the satyrs who like to steal stew from Dalinar. Kaladin, though tempted to join their fun, must shape them into a team to help win the day.

Taravangian has discovered how to use relics to extend his life. He manages to gain the trust of Dalinar, kaladin, and Shallon, while plotting to free the voidbringers from their nearly eternal prison, believing it will ultimately save the world. 

 

 

[The Sibling]

1 hour ago, Siri said:

If Brandon Mull wrote stormlight:

Most of the spren would live on preserves.

Kaladin and Shallon would be the brother/sister duo that, while visiting  their uncle Dalinar on a preserve, discover how to bond spren. Shallon would bond a fairy spren and kaladin would bond an imp or a troll. 

Bridge 4 is comprised of the satyrs who like to steal stew from Dalinar. Kaladin, though tempted to join their fun, must shape them into a team to help win the day.

Taravangian has discovered how to use relics to extend his life. He manages to gain the trust of Dalinar, kaladin, and Shallon, while plotting to free the voidbringers from their nearly eternal prison, believing it will ultimately save the world. 

 

 

Daaaang that was way accurate. Nice! I love Fablehaven, I even have the extra book with all the drawings and stuff.

[Frustration]

4 hours ago, Siri said:

If Brandon Mull wrote stormlight:

Most of the spren would live on preserves.

Kaladin and Shallon would be the brother/sister duo that, while visiting  their uncle Dalinar on a preserve, discover how to bond spren. Shallon would bond a fairy spren and kaladin would bond an imp or a troll. 

Bridge 4 is comprised of the satyrs who like to steal stew from Dalinar. Kaladin, though tempted to join their fun, must shape them into a team to help win the day.

Taravangian has discovered how to use relics to extend his life. He manages to gain the trust of Dalinar, kaladin, and Shallon, while plotting to free the voidbringers from their nearly eternal prison, believing it will ultimately save the world. 

 

 

I'd say the cosmere is closer to Beyonders than Fablehaven, but alright.

[Siri]

13 hours ago, Frustration said:

I'd say the cosmere is closer to Beyonders than Fablehaven, but alright.

You could always do the comparison yourself.

[Hmmm lies]

On 2/18/2023 at 8:28 PM, GroundPetrel said:

Accidentally put this in the wrong thread, have expanded it. 

 

If JK Rowling wrote the Cosmere...

Kelsier would be an evil moustache-twirling ultraNazi who wants to end mankind and knowingly and happily works for Ruin. 

The Lord Ruler would be a fumbling imbecile but ultimately worthy of respect because of his position as ruler. 

The skaa would be happy in their slavery and would become miserable drunks when freed. 

Some small marginalized ethnic group (Horneaters?  Terris?  Herdazians?) would have big hooked noses and would control the money supply on some planet.  They would be mean stingy nasty creatures who nobody likes and who are nasty and treacherous.  The more people pointed out the implications, the more overt they would get. 

Kaladin's slave brand would hurt whenever Amaram was thinking about him or in the vicinity. 

Wax would happily go along with Sazed's manipulations and would unironically and uncritically believe him to be the greatest person alive. 

Kaladin's greatest ambition in life would be to be a lighteyes cop.  He would be enslaved without Amaram offering him the shards and would accept the ones Adolin gave him without a second thought.  He would also be revered throughout Alethkar as a chosen one. 

Shallan would be lectured regularly on staying in school, studying hard, and never trying to change the system because that's bad and what dangerous radicals do. 

Dalinar would be "revealed" to be gay and in love with Odium like 10 years after the end of Stormlight in a Tweet, which would also include a confusing and disgusting statement about Alethi bathroom habits that nobody asked for, wanted, or needed. 

Also Vin and the Lord Ruler Steelpush at each other and despite the Lord Ruler being much more powerful, Vin pushes his metalminds containing bits of his souls off, as Reen died to save her, causing her Mistborn powers to be multiplied by ∞ but only against Rashek himself, because, of course, they are connected via Ruin by her earing.

[Authorspren]

If George Lucas wrote the Stormlight Archive (spoilered for length):

Spoiler

Princess Shallan, trying to escape with the plans to the Voidbringer, flees toward Urithiru on her ship, the Wind's Pleasure. However, she is captured by Darth Vyre and his Parshendi stormform warriors, who work for the evil Empire. Shallan sends two spren, Pattern and Syl, away from the ship to find an old Radiant general, Dalinar.

Pattern and Syl make their way to the Shattered Plains, but they are pursued by Vyre's stormforms. They are soon found by Thaylen traders, who bring them to the home of Kaladin Stormblessed. Although his parents want him to be a doctor, he dreams of becoming a soldier. He befriends the two spren and takes them in, but Syl soon disappears. Pattern tells Kaladin about their mission to find Dalinar, and they set out to find Syl.

They soon find Syl, but the three are ambushed by bandits. Dalinar appears and saves them, and he brings them back to his home to recover. Syl tells Shallan's message to Dalinar; Shallan needs Dalinar to rescue her because she is the only person who knows the plans to the Voidbringer. Dalinar asks Kaladin for help, revealing that he fought alongside Moash, Kaladin's old sergeant who went missing in the last Desolation. Dalinar tells Kaladin that Moash was secretly a Radiant and that Kaladin can also learn to use the Surges. He gives him Moash's old Shardblade.

Kaladin initially refuses to help, but soon finds that stormforms have killed his family. Wanting to protect others from the Empire, he agrees to join Dalinar and the spren. However, the Voidbringer is currently far from the Shattered Plains, and so the four need to find a ship. They travel to a nearby settlement, where they meet Adolin and his horse Gallant, a large Ryshadium. They promise Adolin a large amount of spheres, and he helps them escape the stormforms in his ship, the Millennium Chicken.

Meanwhile, Darth Vyre threatens to destroy Shallan's homeland of Jah Keved unless she tells him the location of Urithiru. Shallan tells him a false location, but Vyre orders the Parshendi to fire anyway. The Voidbringer, revealed to be a giant mobile fabrial weapon, unleashes the force of the Everstorm upon Jah Keved, reducing it to a wasteland.

On the Fourth Bridge, Kaladin swears the First Ideal. Dalinar teaches Kaladin how to use the Surges. Adolin expresses his disbelief and says that he prefers swords. Suddenly, Dalinar senses a disturbance as though thousands of people have died. The Fourth Bridge arrives near the Voidbringer and realizes what has happened, but the group soon realizes that they are outmatched. Rather than fighting their way in, the group chooses to split up. Dalinar decides to distract Vyre, while Kaladin, Adolin, and Gallant search for Shallan. Pattern and Syl stay behind.

The three soon find Shallan's prison cell, but are quickly surrounded by stormforms. Shallan finds an opening to a cave, and the group dives into it. They soon realize it is a whitespine's den and are nearly killed, but Pattern and Syl guide them to safety. Kaladin protects Shallan as they retreat across a narrow chasm bridge, while Adolin leads the stormforms away on Gallant. Meanwhile, Vyre senses Dalinar's presence and begins to fight him in an epic Shardblade duel. Although most of the group makes it back to the Fourth Bridge, Dalinar sacrifices himself to save them, becoming a Cognitive Shadow in the process.

The group makes it back to Urithiru, the base of the coalition, and studies the plans. They realize that the Voidbringer has a weakness: cracking one small gemstone will render the whole fabrial useless. However, they soon realize that the Parshendi are approaching Urithiru. Vyre had ordered the voidspren Ulim to hide on the Fourth Bridge and tell him the tower's location. Upon seeing the danger, Adolin leaves with Gallant, not wanting to die for the coalition's cause. The coalition sends out its armies to fight, but they begin to take heavy casualties.

Kaladin leads a final assault with Syl to guide him. He and his bridgemen approach the Voidbringer multiple times, but Darth Vyre always drives them back. When Vyre has nearly defeated Kaladin in combat, Adolin suddenly knocks Vyre away from atop Gallant. Adolin continues to distract Vyre from the wounded Kaladin. Kaladin suddenly hears the voice of Dalinar telling him to follow the Oaths. He swears to protect the defenseless city, manifesting Radiant powers. Using these newfound powers, he flies to the Voidbringer and shatters the critical gemstone with Moash's Shardblade.

The Voidbringer explodes from the excess Stormlight, and the Parshendi retreat in defeat. Vyre attempts to kill Kaladin, but Kaladin uses a lashing on him. Vyre falls into the distance. Kaladin and the others celebrate their victory as they search for a new secret base.

 

[Frustration]

11 hours ago, Siri said:

You could always do the comparison yourself.

Alright.

 

If Brandon Mull wrote the Cosmere: pt 1

Spoiler

Elend would have lived on earth before being taken to Scadrial by being swallowed by a hippo.

When he arrives he immediately tries to save a group of skaa who are trying to summon a hero by allowing a group of Koloss to attack them. When Elend fails he will run to Fadrax, a remote library far from any sort of supporting infrastructure.

There he meets Slowswift who invites him to look around where Elend learns about the legendary allomancers, who fought massive wars leaving only The Lord Ruler alive.

Later Elend enters a secret room in Fadrax finding a steel plate which tells him that The Lord Rulers master created a secret metal that when burned in his presence would instantly kill the Lord Ruler. And gives him a part of the metal. After learning this an eye looks at him and Slowswift tells him he has to leave to find the scarred king.

Elend leaves finding the scarred king who lives in a broken castle. The scarred king introduced himself as Kelsier, and introduces Elend to Vin who came from earth as well, and they decide to fight The Lord Ruler together.

The go on their way collecting pieces of the metal, meeting a former servant of Kelsier with heightened senses named Spook, who helps them before going to find Kelsier, a kandra named Tension who pretended to help them but was actually working for the Lord Ruler, and a strange man named Ham.

They eventually collect the entire metal and Elend allows himself to be captured while Vin gets away with another piece of the metal in case he fails.

Elend goes to meet the Lord Ruler and burns the metal, but it fails and The Lord Ruler reveals that the metal is actually the one that would kill his old nemesis Alendi. The Lord Ruler then sends Elend to Hathsin a torturous prison to spend several years.

Tensoon then breaks Elend out and sends him back to earth.

 

[Ravenclawjedi42]

If William Goldman wrote the Stormlight Archive:

You’d start by going through endless introductions that have no relevance to the plot and can be summed up in one sentence: Hoid wrote this book, I’m just retelling it. Once you finally get to the story proper, you find Shallan and Tarah merged into one character, who’s also the protagonist. It starts off with Shallan and her father in the warcamps, with Shallan’s father training Kaladin and Shallan often ordering Kaladin around. After several years of this, Shallan tells Kaladin that she loves him. The next day, however, The Dread Soldier Helanran—not related to Shallan, in this he is a female Horneater princess warrior—attacks Kaladin, Kaladin presumably dies. A year later, Shallan is betrothed to Prince Adolin. A few months before their wedding, though, Shallan is kidnapped by some Alethi royalty—Jasnah, Dalinar, and Elhokar. The three of them started doing odd jobs for Adolin after he became king in all but name, having Elhokar pushed to the side. Jasnah leads the trio and is smart, Dalinar is still a dumb warrior, but good friends with Elhokar, and Elhokar is a master duelist who is trying to avenge the death of his father Gavilar, by finding the Assassin in White and murdering him. The three would bring Shallan to the Shattered plains, only to be followed by a Shardplate-wearing warrior. They suspect him to be the Dread Soldier Helanran, but have no way of confirming their theory. He then beats both Elhokar in a duel and Dalinar in a wrestling match, and then has a “battle of the wits” with Jasnah, after which she dies.

Actually dies.

The Man in Plate grabs Shallan and runs with her into the chasms, where it’s revealed that he is the Dread Soldier Helanran, but not really, as he killed the actual Helanran and took her armor. The Man in Plate is also Kaladin. After the lovers reunite, they brave the Chasms during a Highstorm and emerge triumphant, only for Kaladin to be “recruited” by Highprince Adolin and a mysterious bald man who follows him around. It’s revealed that the bald man is actually the Assassin in White. They bring Kaladin to the jail, where he spends quite some time. Elhokar and Dalinar reunite in Kholinar, and start trying to kill the Assassin in White. They use their power to free Kaladin from jail, but don’t tell Highprince Adolin. Kaladin is too depressed to do anything, though, so they bring him to Hoid who tells him cheerful stories. Shallan also has a few chapters, but she doesn’t really do anything except make Adolin mad at her. 

Elhokar and Dalinar bring Kaladin back to the palace in Kholinar, where Elhokar murders Szeth and Kaladin rescues Shallan from Adolin. The four of them—Kaladin, Shallan, Elhokar, and Dalinar—steal Adolin’s Ryshadiums and escape Kholinar together, going towards Urithiru.

[The Sibling]

30 minutes ago, Ravenclawjedi42 said:

Actually dies.

 

I love that you clarified this.

[Forts Board]

If Tolkien wrote stormlight:

It would be wayyyy longer, but most of that would be detailed accounts of each desolation and an alphabet and dictionary for each language on Roshar. 

 

Does it have to be just Fantasy Authors?

If Prince Harry wrote Warbreaker, it would be a long book about Vivenna's fall into depression, with a big picture of her on the front. 

 

If I wrote Stormlight:

It would suck. 

 

Good thing Brandons doing it  

[Sir Squeekins]

If Pat Rothfuss wrote The Final Empire:

Vin would have red hair.

After living on the streets for years, Vin would search out Kelsier's crew and have to prove herself to make it in, instead of them just recruiting her.

When Kelsier was done training Vin, he would move to Terris and never show up again.

Burning metals would require years of study and practice to even begin using it.

Kandra would be vegetarian.

[Lord Spirit]

If J M Barrie wrote SA:

Shallan is sad because her father Dalinar wants to send her from Kholinar to the war camps. However that night, Kaladin shows up and brings her and her brothers, Adolin and Renarin to Shinovar, using stormlight to fly. However as they arrive, they’re spotted by Szeth, the leader of the voidbringers who wants revenge against Kaladin after he cut off his hand and Fred it to a chasmfiend, who chases him around hoping for more. Kaladin distracts Szeth and sends Syl to take Shallan to his group of followers hidden in Urithiru. But Syl is jealous of Shallan, so she sneaks off and tells Kaladin followers, bridge 4 to shoot her when she arrives. When Shallan gets there, She’s hit by Rock, who immediately feels bad about it. She eventually heals and Adolin and Renarin join bridge 4.

Meanwhile, Szeth comes up with a plan to find Kaladin hideout. He kidnaps the Parshendi Princess Eshonai and threatens to leave her in the chasms during the coming highstorm if she doesn’t tell him where Urithiru is. She refuses, but Kaladin and bridge 4 show up to save her. After a brief fight, Szeth and the viidbringers retreat, but Kaladin and Shallan are left in the chasms without any stormlight. They get saved when they find a glove fabriel Renarin had dropped and use it to escape the chasms. 
 

in gratitude for saving their Princess, the parshendi guard Urithiru against the voidbringers. However, they get ambushed and defeated by Szeth. Meanwhile, Shallan is telling bridge 4 stories about how parents care about their children. Kaladin is upset by this and claims that she’s wrong and that his father doesn’t care about him. Shallan and bridge 4 decide to leave and are captured by the voidbringers. Szeth sneaks into Urithiru and puts blackbane leaves inside labeled as a gift from Shallan. 
 

Kaladin finds the blackbane leaves and is going to eat them for Shallan, but Syl intercepts them and eats them inside. She gets sick, but Kaladin swears to protect those who cannot protect themselves and she is saved. Kaladin then goes to confront Szeth one final time. 
 

Szeth offers to make any of the Bridgman into one of the fused and Moash agrees, becoming Vyre. Shallan convinced them not to join Szeth. Szeth Lashes Shallan into the sky. When she doesn’t come back down, some of the voidbringers start to challenge Szeths authority. He lashes Lezian to the sky and the rest back down. 

Kaladin arrives in time to save Shallan and frees bridge 4. In the ensuing battle, the bridgemen defeat the voidbringers while Kaladin duels Szeth. After it becomes clear the Kaladin is going to win, Szeth tricks him into killing a defenseless voidbringer and then Szeth jumps off the chasm and is eaten by the chasmfiend below. 

Kaladin and bridge 4 fly home with Shallan, who is now ready to grow up and go to the war camps. After they arrive, Dalinar asks Kaladin to stay, but he refuses because he doesn’t want to be a surgeon and returns to Shinovar. Working to forget it all, he visits the nightwatcher who erases his memory. 

The end. 

[Trutharchivist]

5 hours ago, Lord Spirit said:

If J M Barrie wrote SA:

Shallan is sad because her father Dalinar wants to send her from Kholinar to the war camps. However that night, Kaladin shows up and brings her and her brothers, Adolin and Renarin to Shinovar, using stormlight to fly. However as they arrive, they’re spotted by Szeth, the leader of the voidbringers who wants revenge against Kaladin after he cut off his hand and Fred it to a chasmfiend, who chases him around hoping for more. Kaladin distracts Szeth and sends Syl to take Shallan to his group of followers hidden in Urithiru. But Syl is jealous of Shallan, so she sneaks off and tells Kaladin followers, bridge 4 to shoot her when she arrives. When Shallan gets there, She’s hit by Rock, who immediately feels bad about it. She eventually heals and Adolin and Renarin join bridge 4.

Meanwhile, Szeth comes up with a plan to find Kaladin hideout. He kidnaps the Parshendi Princess Eshonai and threatens to leave her in the chasms during the coming highstorm if she doesn’t tell him where Urithiru is. She refuses, but Kaladin and bridge 4 show up to save her. After a brief fight, Szeth and the viidbringers retreat, but Kaladin and Shallan are left in the chasms without any stormlight. They get saved when they find a glove fabriel Renarin had dropped and use it to escape the chasms. 
 

in gratitude for saving their Princess, the parshendi guard Urithiru against the voidbringers. However, they get ambushed and defeated by Szeth. Meanwhile, Shallan is telling bridge 4 stories about how parents care about their children. Kaladin is upset by this and claims that she’s wrong and that his father doesn’t care about him. Shallan and bridge 4 decide to leave and are captured by the voidbringers. Szeth sneaks into Urithiru and puts blackbane leaves inside labeled as a gift from Shallan. 
 

Kaladin finds the blackbane leaves and is going to eat them for Shallan, but Syl intercepts them and eats them inside. She gets sick, but Kaladin swears to protect those who cannot protect themselves and she is saved. Kaladin then goes to confront Szeth one final time. 
 

Szeth offers to make any of the Bridgman into one of the fused and Moash agrees, becoming Vyre. Shallan convinced them not to join Szeth. Szeth Lashes Shallan into the sky. When she doesn’t come back down, some of the voidbringers start to challenge Szeths authority. He lashes Lezian to the sky and the rest back down. 

Kaladin arrives in time to save Shallan and frees bridge 4. In the ensuing battle, the bridgemen defeat the voidbringers while Kaladin duels Szeth. After it becomes clear the Kaladin is going to win, Szeth tricks him into killing a defenseless voidbringer and then Szeth jumps off the chasm and is eaten by the chasmfiend below. 

Kaladin and bridge 4 fly home with Shallan, who is now ready to grow up and go to the war camps. After they arrive, Dalinar asks Kaladin to stay, but he refuses because he doesn’t want to be a surgeon and returns to Shinovar. Working to forget it all, he visits the nightwatcher who erases his memory. 

The end. 

It's been a while since I've read Peter Pan, but there are a thing or two here that come from films based on it, not the book. It's just a pet peeve of mine, it seems no one has actually read the freaking book.

I probably need to reread it...

[Lord Spirit]

3 hours ago, Trutharchivist said:

It's been a while since I've read Peter Pan, but there are a thing or two here that come from films based on it, not the book. It's just a pet peeve of mine, it seems no one has actually read the freaking book.

I probably need to reread it...

I was trying to go by the book, but it possible I added stuff from the movie.