Fatebreaker

If Other Authors Wrote the Cosmere Novels

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But if Kaladin is Cap, then Tien would be the Assassin in White...

I think Tien will be Bucky. That is if he turns out to be alive and under the control of Odium. :P

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Hoid has exchanged his "hawkish face" for an older, mustachioed one. Should have seen that one coming. 

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Rick Riordan (Heroes of Olympus) writes the stormlight archives.

 

Well, the first five books would be goofy and funny with just enough action and characterization to make you care.

 

Then the second five would go like this:

 

First off, all of the mythology the series uses as a back story would be used up, and it would be replaced with bad drama. They would gather up a team of 7 teenage radiants based solely on their diversity of racial, regional, and ideological backgrounds. The characters would then rebuild the Wandersail, giving it the ability to fly and automatic cannons that shoot a near-infinite supply of giant exploding shardblades, but the ship would always break down for various reasons at just the right times for them not to be able to use it. The characters would have 30 days to travel from Shinovar to New Natanatan. It would take them half a book to fly as far as the shattered plains, then the other 4 and a half would be spent with them traveling along at snail's pace and figuring out how all of the love triangles worked. Whenever the characters needed to fight something outside the ship, they would send one or two guys to do it while the rest stood around looking anxious. Characters would randomly develop irrational hatreds for each other which would be solved after a few half-hearted comments. The entire series would talk about how infallible Odium was, then at the end of the series when he comes back they'd arbitrarily shoot an exploding shardblade at him which kills him somehow and solves all of their problems

 

... Anything I missed?

Edited by mckeedee123
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Rick Riordan (Heroes of Olympus) writes the stormlight archives.

 

Well, the first five books would be goofy and funny with just enough action and characterization to make you care.

 

Then the second five would go like this:

 

First off, all of the mythology the series uses as a back story would be used up, and it would be replaced with bad drama. They would gather up a team of 7 teenage radiants based solely on their diversity of racial, regional, and ideological backgrounds. The characters would then rebuild the Wandersail, giving it the ability to fly and automatic cannons that shoot a near-infinite supply of giant exploding shardblades, but the ship would always break down for various reasons at just the right times for them not to be able to use it. The characters would have 30 days to travel from Shinovar to New Natanatan. It would take them half a book to fly as far as the shattered plains, then the other 4 and a half would be spent with them traveling along at snail's pace and figuring out how all of the love triangles worked. Whenever the characters needed to fight something outside the ship, they would send one or two guys to do it while the rest stood around looking anxious. Characters would randomly develop irrational hatreds for each other which would be solved after a few half-hearted comments. The entire series would talk about how infallible Odium was, then at the end of the series when he comes back they'd arbitrarily shoot an exploding shardblade at him which kills him somehow and solves all of their problems

 

... Anything I missed?

I'm not sure if you just spoiled the last couple books of the 2nd trilogy for me.....or if I should care. :P

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I was ok with the series for the first 2 books. It really went downhill by the 3rd one. By the last two I was actually laughing myself to tears because of all of the ridiculous drama, especially the scene with Nico and Cupid/Eros. :D

 

 

Then there's the climax where 3 or 4 different people were practically competing to kill the antagonist, who's been hyped up the entire series as completely invincible. They just kind of put her in the air and blew her up. I'm pretty sure that good ol' Rick just got fed up with writing the series and tried to get it over with. 

 

Edited by mckeedee123
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I was ok with the series for the first 2 books. It really went downhill by the 3rd one. By the last two I was actually laughing myself to tears because of all of the ridiculous drama, especially the scene with Nico and Cupid/Eros. :D Then there's the climax where 3 or 4 different people were competing to kill the antagonist, who's been hyped up the entire series as completely invincible. They just kind of put her in the air and blew her up. I'm pretty sure that good ol' Rick just got fed up with writing the series and tried to get it over with. 

 

 

PS. I'm a noob. How exactly do I make spoiler tags?

 

I felt the exact same way. And, after House of Hades especially, I shudder to think what Warbreaker as written by Riordan would have been like. 

 

To do a spoiler tag, bracket what you want to spoil like this:

(only without the spaces at the end). 

 

Warbreaker as told by Riordan: 

 

Lightsong the Bold is still the sarcastic god we know and love, although he spends an inordinate amount of time making fart jokes. Instead of their innuendo-laden flirting, he and Blushweaver crack fart jokes about the other gods. The God King, rather than an innocent, earnest young man, is either a complete moron, or a closet badchull who can Awaken nunchaku without speaking and use them like helicopters. At some point during the climax, he grabs Siri by the waist and jumps out the window, only to find that the chief villain has killed himself in a fart-related accident and the remaining Pahn Kahl rebels have settled their differences with the Hallandren through mediation. Nevertheless, Lightsong sacrifices himself anyway, so the God King's first words to his wife can be a fart joke.

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I was reading the Percy Jackson books for last few years and I liked them up to Mark of Athena. But then I discovered Steelheart and suddenly everything changed. The last two were pretty much non-happening for me except the Frank Zhang and Reyna parts. Bye bye Riordan.

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if terry pratchett had written mistborn, when kelsier confronted the lord ruler CMOT Dibbler would have been there, trying to sell them something to eat.

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I...just thought, that the worst (or best, depends) possible set of writers for the Stormlight Archive would be Alcatraz and David together.

 

Like: "Bridge seven on Kaladin's right crashed to the ground like a very fast ninja chull who had encountered Dalinar in full shardplate on firemoss just after breakfast"

and Alcatraz immediately breaks the fourth wall to explain why this metaphor, in a strange way, makes sense. After that they procede.

Edited by Alfa
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They make it to the end until it is finally pointed out that none of those are metaphors?

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If Brent Weeks (Lightbringer) wrote the Stormlight Archive:

 

Dalinar and Gavilar are twin brothers. Gavilar is actually a real jerk egotist, but at the end of the War of Unification Dalinar captured Gavilar and assumed his identity, ruling Alethekar as Gavilar. The real Gavilar is locked up in a secret dungeon.

 

Navani and Dalinar fell in love a long time ago, but she was forced to become engaged to Gavilar, who mistreated her a bunch since he's such a jerk egotist. But Dalinar thought she was marrying Gavilar for love and doesn't actually know how much of a jerk Gavilar really is. So he's kept his distance thinking that she was in love with Gavilar, even though he's pretending to be Gavilar now. But they spend a bunch of time together anyway and she's falling in love with him. She thinks the war must have changed him from his old jerky Gavilar and doesn't realize that it's actually Dalinar imposing as his brother.

 

Kaladin is Gavilar's bastard son. Since Dalinar is pretending to be Gavilar, he decided to acknowledge Kaladin. Kaladin is fat along with his depression.

 

Taravangian is Dalinar and Galivar's manipulative and egotistical father. He doesn't know that Gavilar is actually Dalinar who is posing as Gavilar. He sent Gavilar on a mission to retrieve a stolen Dawnshard, but Dalinar doesn't know about this mission so he has to pretend he knows what's going on.

 

Jasnah is another bastard of Gavilar, by a different mother. She's mean and egotistical, and nobody but Taravangian knows about her. He sent her into hiding to use as a political pawn against Gavilar/Dalinar (is this getting confusing yet). She has been working with the voidbringers until Taravangian decided to bring her to the Shattered plains to stir things up, since Gavilar/Dalinar is deciding not to be cooperative.

 

Shallan is from the same village as Kaladin. He always had a crush on her but his depression kept him from approaching her. When he joined the KR academy she helped him out a bit and befriended him, but only because she was forced to spy on him. Later,  she misguidedly decided to join the Ghostbloods, thinking that they have better ideals than the Alethi.

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If Brent Weeks (Lightbringer) wrote the Stormlight Archive:

Sounds like Brandon with a touch of soap opera and much more confusion about who is against or working with who.

I need to find time to read Brent Weeks.

Now, if I wrote the Cosmere novels I doubt I would write more than two books in my lifetime. But if I did:

Hemalurgy would see much more use, there would be much less of a genetic component to magic, all characters would be part of at least one secret society, cult or spy agency, magic would be slightly softer and there would be no full antagonists, only many well meaning characters with conflicting goals and methods, and a few egotisttical ones.

Now, for an actual author, I'd bet that if Machado de Assis(search for him on wikipedia, you wont regret) wrote the Cosmere before fantasy was even a thing, the books would be in first person, unreliably narrated by Hoid, and he would be a possibly insane, but mostly harmless, hypocite. And until this very day people would be guessing if Rayse was real or a creation of Hoid's mind.

Edited by DreamEternal
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If Steven moffet wrote mistborn he would probably have a really lovable character keep dying then coming back repeatedly. It would probably be ham or breeze but he would definitely kill wayne every other chapter.

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If Steven moffet wrote mistborn he would probably have a really lovable character keep dying then coming back repeatedly. It would probably be ham or breeze but he would definitely kill wayne every other chapter.

Well, at least with Wayne he has a very good excuse.

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If Orson Scott Card wrote this...

 

It would be called "The Stormlight Bible" or "The Book of Stormlight" instead.  Dalinar would be army commander who would slaughter the parshendi and eventually discover that Parshendi were actually honoring Gavilar by killing him.  Kaladin would be a 14 year old as well and he'd find that women are throwing himself at him claiming "I want your babies" because he has power.  Eshonai would find that committing adultery with invested radiants would strengthen her own powers so she'd go on to try and have sex with as many radiants as possible.  Adolin would be a brutal bully and Renarin a brilliant child prodigy.  Szeth would go around quizzing people on obscure bible quotes just before he put the shardblade through them.  Not much would happen for the first two books other than a lot of different characters wondering about the impact of knight radiants returning.  Each one would have a pointless backstory.  In the third book, Dalinar would decide that everyone should flee to shinovar.  A lot of people would die just traversing through to shinovar and fighting over biblical matters over the next couple of books.  When they get to shinovar, they'd find that everyone there is dead coz of unknown reasons, possibly Nalan and Szeth killing everybody, so they'd just sit around and fight/ponder over some biblical quotes for longer.  And Shallan would be minor character mainly there for trying seize power, have babies/sex and getting biblical quotes spouted on her by random characters.

Edited by axcellence
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If Hemingway wrote the Stormlight archive.

 

The story arch would probably stay the same. More or less. Vaguely. But we won't get any clue what the damnation any of the characters was thinking at the time they do anything -  for example decide to turn bridge four into battle. Or kill a king. Or...heck, many things are imaginable.

There would be more dialogues. Much more. And quicker dialogues. With more insults and less jokes. And nothing philosophical.

Half of the bookwould be left out, because Hemingway would not consider a cremling worthy of description. Or even a chasmfiend. We probably would only know people are scared from chasmfiends.

Some of the action scenes would play out of pages and only recapitulated later via dialogues.

Men would be either machos or weaklings. Or, on rare ocasions, both. Women would flirt. People would die pointlessly, but in interesting matters.

And don't forget the guns. Lots of guns.

Ah, and there probably won't be any magic.

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This is amazing ( I want to do one on Shannon Hale, but I don't know how many people know her)

Too bad I ran out of upvote before finding this forum (i'll probably upvote y'all tomorrow)

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This is amazing ( I want to do one on Shannon Hale, but I don't know how many people know her)

Too bad I ran out of upvote before finding this forum (i'll probably upvote y'all tomorrow)

Yes! Please do a Shannon Hale version!

Edited by Delightful
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Yes! Please do a Shannon Hale version!

Okay, i'll probably do it tomorrow, and it'll be based on Princess Academy

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If Jane Austen wrote The Stormlight Archive, it would be a fantasy of manners with the Desolation happening in the background but being commented on now and then as a mildly troublesome inconvenience, equivalent to the merchants not being able to get fill orders on violet wine due to the blockade on France and Napoleodium.

 

Adolin would be Duke of Kholinar Court, nephew to the King.  He'd be a playboy with an impressive win-list for pistols-at-dawn, very fashionable and flirty but looking for "the right one".  One morning his second (The Hon. Jakamav, Esq. - what a cad!) whom he met at Eton decides not to show up, and his physician, Dr Kaladin, takes on the job and helps him win another duel. 

 

Adolin's cousin, Countess Jasnah of Ivory Lane, arranges a betrothal to a rural Scottish girl of Clan McValam.  Jasnah arranges for Lady Shallan to travel to Kholinar Court.  She is met at the village coach house by Dr Kaladin, whom she mistakes for an estate servant and teases by pretending to be an Angloalethiphobic culchie who speaks only in broken Gaelic.   Upon meeting His Grace and seeing his estate for the first time, Lady Shallan is smitten by the lure of wealth.  Duke Adolin and his family possess a considerable fortune whilst the Davars of Clan McValam only put up the front of having a modest income.  The late Laird Davar mortgaged the family estates in support of an Irish-independence faction who ran off with the money.  Duke Adolin turns out to be a first-rate gentleman of charm and temperance and not at all like the skirt-chasing rake she was expecting.

 

Dr Kaladin, however, turns out to be a properly educated man of letters.  He was educated at the Kharbranth Academy as a charity student and was forced to tutor wealthy but stupid children by Headmaster Roshone so now harbours a grudge for the gentry, even though he earns a handsome salary on top of his share from the duel bets.  Lady Shallan can't help but feel attraction to him since he quotes Lord Byron, whilst the only books Duke Adolin ever opens have large pictures.  But Kholinar Court alone brings in an agreeable sum of 60 000 spheres sterling per annum, Dr Kaladin only makes 2 000, and while it is enough for a tidy and well-staffed townhouse, that house is far from a Grand House.  And worst of all, he has to work for his living! 

 

Anyways, lots of romantic misunderstandings ensue after The Hon. Jakamav is very pointedly uninvited from the next Feast, and Dr Kaladin is brought in to fill in the gap for the obligatory cotillion.  And because he is a man well respected by Prince Dalinar, he is assigned to act the chaperon to his son's outings.

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"Napoleodium", brilliant!

 

If Anne McCaffrey wrote the cosmere novels every book would have the word "Dragon" in the title somewhere.

Any non-human in the books would have a name ending in "-th", a name they would know instinctively upon being born.

There would be no bad guys, the part of the antagonist would be played by a mindless amorphous menace, because it's so nice when everyone on the whole world gets along. And even when someone does act in a way that displeases Vin and Elend - the de facto rulers of the planet - they wouldn't get killed, they'd just be sent to a paradise continent in "exile", never mind that they can teleport whenever they want.

There would be countless time skips where months or years pass, narrated by summing up who had babies in the intervening period.

Finally, the Shards would actually be kindhearted genius supercomputers that somehow still function after being buried for a few millennia.

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....

 

Also no one seems to think much about the little sprens that float around, until the plot twist is revealed - the Heralds genetically engineered some of them to become Shardblades which can cut through the souls of evil Threadbringers.

 

And for some unknown reason Ad'lin likes grabbing Shallan by the shoulders and shaking her.   She doesn't mind because he's hot and his dad is the Weyrleader.

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Mercedes Lackey

There would be no spren. Instead, the Nahal bond would form by bonding to a Ryshadium.

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Shannon Hale(< I kept typing it like Shallan instead of Shannon)

Shallan Lerendaughter(Yes, i just did that) lives on the mountain Jah Keved(Is this the right place?). The workers, including Kaladin(Whose mother is really nice, and is known for her genious sayings), who carves Gems for fun(Yes, i just did that too), work to mine a precious gem from the mountain(Changing it from stone to gemhearts). Soldiers come and take all the girls around Shallan's age to the Princess Academy, where Tutor Jasnah is trying her best to prepare the girls to meet Gavilar Kholin's son, Elhokar (Yes, Gavilar's alive in this one).

I'll continue in a little bit(It took me a while to think of this) I just want to make sure I have the right things going.

Edited by CarolaDavar
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GRR,Martin: I think Kaladin would be killed by Bridge 4 members. Siri's tongue would be cut by Bluefingers.

And Raoden would die because of some STD while living in Elantris. The Kelsier crew would all be slaughtered by Steel inquisitors and only Spook would survive to be turned into a cockroach by Ruin who somehow freed himself from the Well.

 

Iif it was JK.Rowling all of the aforementioned characters would marry each other i think.

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