If Other Authors Wrote the Cosmere Novels

[Fatebreaker Most Ancient]

I was analyzing writing styles and tropes of different authors, and I thought how some of the books we know and love, Mistborn Way of kings, etc., would be very, very different if written by other famous fantasy authors.

Here are some examples:

 

Christopher Paolini - Author of the Inheritance cycle

The Mistborn Trilogy would have had the Lord Ruler feeling bad about persecuting the Terris people and Oppressing the Ska. everyone would have gotten full allomantic abilities and a dragon and lived happily ever after. Kelsier would have been Vin's father.

 

George R. Martin - A Song of Ice and Fire

All of the Magic would be removed except for a few small things and replaced with sex. Sadeas would have slaughtered the entire Kholin family and taken the throne.

Silence would have killed everyone at her inn in a forbidden ritual to save her daughter's life. The result would be an evil demon child thing.

 

Terry Pratchett - The Discworld Series

 Where to start?

Death and Hoid would be very familiar with each other.

Nale would smoke a cigar.

Nightblood would ramble incessantly about tapestries.

Greatshells would be turtles.

The Storm father would be an ascended janitor who sought to cleanse the land with a decent wash and a good scrubbing.

Elkohar would carry his teddy with him everywhere.

Rock would have been a troll, Teft a wizard drop-out, and Lopen would sell chouta at discount prices.

kaladin would be the rightful ruler of the alethi, but choose to remain a captain instead.

The Stick would actually have been sapient pear-wood and had the power to destroy the Discmere, but no one would have noticed.

Sazed would have been an orangutan(quiet, scholarly, and insanely strong when the need arose), the  become the first ascendant orangutan

 

C. S. Lewis - The Chronicles of Narnia

Hoid would be Jesus.

 

Feel free to add on or create your own.

Spoiler

Edit: Every now and then I get a notification that someone added to this thread and after all this time it still makes me smile.

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Fatebreaker

[Wyrmhero Voidbringer]

While I don't really know enough about author styles to suggest things, I must say that I would really like to read a conversation between Hoid and Death. I think it'd be somewhat like Death and Rincewind, but with a lot more respect and a lot less cowardice.

 

However, I do have one offering, by way of Stephen King's Dark Tower series: 'See the GREATSHELL of enormous girth!'

 

...'You see a speck in the distance, which seems to be rapidly getting closer. If you wait where you are to see what it is, turn to 331. If you hide in the bushes, turn to 238. If you summon your Shardblade and try to attack it if it gets close to you, turn to 111.'

 

I really want a Cosmere Fighting Fantasy novel now

Edited August 26, 2014 by Wyrmhero

[Left Tarachin Superstar]

Frank Herbert- The Way of Kings would be have even more religion and politics and ecology. However the rest of the series will probably go down hill pretty steadily, until MeatLoaf Sanderson picks up the back half and makes them half decent.

 

J.K. Rowling- The characters of all the books would be so real that you expect to meet them on the street, but there's tons of inconsistencies in the magic and world building. And Odium will manage to sneak his investure into nightblood letting him survive even after being killed.

[GreyPilgrim Seer]

Steven Erikson: Every character given a name would have at least one point of view section, in which he/she would go on for five pages questioning the purpose of his/her existence. Also, the Heralds would have been gone for 300,000 years instead of 4,500. And almost everyone who dies would come back, except for the ones you want to return.

C. S. Lewis - The Chronicles of Narnia

Hoid would be Jesus.

How true.

[king of nowhere Voidbringer]

Terry goodkind:

kaladin would have had no moral qualms about assassinating elokar, and would have done so immediately, all the while ranting some self-righteous monologue where he suppposedly proves he was right by easily rejecting strawman arguments.

In fact, dalinar would have probably killed elokar first. or sadeas would have done it. or navani.

dalinar's method of unifing alethkar would have been to declare war on everyone who would not join him. and it would have worked too.

and then, after becoming absolute ruler of the alethi, he would have retired into the woods to tend his sick wife, telling his people that "they have to find their way".

kaladin will regularly disregard all the advices of zahel, and would turn out to be right every time for some strange twist.

every time the bad guy appear on screen, they are raping or torturing someone. and they will look vaguely like strawman communists.

The protagonists will be in the right. always. without doubt. even when they are doing plenty of questionable stuff (like, murdering an ambassador, torturing a prisoner because he killed a guy with a name, jeopardizing the only hope of the free world the moment their loved ones will be taken hostages) no one will ever complain, and if someone does, he does it in a flawed way that make him look like a moron and make the protagonists seem even more right.

every book will introduce a new random character that will be a nobody with a very traumatic past and the protagonists will pet the dog.

 

Tolkien:

even the soldiers would never curse.

the fights would be described in much less detail. the extra space would be filled with songs and poems.

the magic would never be explained, and it would rarely appear. a powerful mage would be among the main characters, but he will almost never do anything magic.

the songs of the listeners would be in their original language. the dawnchant would be in its original language. lopen would speak herdazian. those languages would have been created for fun by the author, who then created the whole setting just to give them a story.

 

Robert jordan:

there is already a whole thread about it. (only for the stormlight archive, but it can be applied to anything else)

 

Clive Cussler (i know, he''s not afantasy writer, but no one said we have to limit ourselves to those)

to save the world the protagonists would have to find some ancient lost ship. In EVERY book.

the biggest and most funded institution in the final empire would be the imperial underwater and marine canton.

[Observer Mistborn]

I was about to tell you all what would happen if Ayn Rand and Terry Goodkind were to jointly write the entire Cosmere, but simply writing their names in the same sentence has caused me to cry blood.

 

I can't go any further.

 

If we wish to weaponize this, I recommend having each user type out three words of it and then leave without looking at what they are helping to create.

 

We still probably won't be able to say who the new John Galt will be. I'm afraid anybody attempting to type such a thing would instinctively spike the capacity to do some out of themselves, nail it to an earwig, burn it and the vermin to ashes, and then bury the remains in six separate locations around the world just to be safe. The same would be done for all memory of the events, except in seven places instead of six, and to a sea urchin instead of an earwig.

 

Please excuse me while I forget this could possibly be a thing that could happen...

*shudder*

Edited August 26, 2014 by Observer

[Fatebreaker Most Ancient]

If Tolkien wrote it there would be an entire prologue on the history of colored wines and their use.

Adolin would have fallen to the power of the Ring and died, but Renarin would be able to resist.

Odium would be said to be immensely powerful, but you would never really see him, just his minions, which would be disappointing.

Edited January 13, 2015 by Fatebreaker

[Observer Mistborn]

But only in the book. When they turn it into a movie, they'll rework Renarin's character to allow him to covet the power of the ring anyway. There won't be any further movies after that one, because Feather will kill them all for ruining Renarin.

[Chrono King's Tester]

If Stormlight Archive was written by every Dystopian Teen writer ever... (No disrespect to fans of the genre, but I find it incredibly repetitive and reeks of jumping on the Suzanne Collins bandwagon. Hunger Games I believe is actually well written). 

 

Well, first off, Shallan would be the main character for the entire series. Having a male main character? That's just silly. Females are so much more interesting than males. Already done in the source work, but she would have an insanely tragic backstory. She would be much more obviously mentally scarred by the backstory, and either work for the Evil Alethi Government, or just live with its corruption. A catalyst will ensue and she is suddenly on the run and fighting the government. Predictable plot twists ensue as the already-shown-to-be-insanely-corrupt government is revealed to be... insanely corrupt. Didn't see that one coming.

 

Shallan will have a mentor, who will die. Grieving over the loss and adding 55 pounds to her emotional baggage, she will encounter a similarly tortured male who is also a rebel, may possess tattoos, and generally is the edgy type. For humor's sake, I will suggest Kaladin to be this male character. They will instantly hook up with no explanation, randomly make out (or have sex, depending on how "edgy" the book is) at very awkward points, and bare their respective backstories to one another. Somehow despite both Kaladin and Shallan having lasting emotional trauma, their love is so powerful that it instantly heals all of their psychological problems. 

 

In comes the boy next door. Again for humor's sake, I suggest Adolin to be this character. Shallan will suddenly become confused as she inexplicably also harbors feelings for him, despite never having evidence to suggest this in the book. She will string both Kaladin and Adolin along before finally choosing one (which one varies according to the author. It's pretty much a 50/50 chance, so flip a coin). They will proceed to make out again (or have more sex), defeat the Evil Emperor with sheer grit and pluckiness, and live happily ever after. There will also be obligatory deaths, just to provoke the reader to throw the book against the wall. Dalinar and Jasnah will die. Whichever suitor Shallan didn't pick will die (so those shippers will shut up), and Shallan and her chosen suitor will proceed to have Babies Ever After. 

 

As for the other characters, Sadeas would be the Evil Chancellor to Emperor Elhokar, Dalinar would be the leader of the rebellion, Renarin wouldn't be in the book, Jasnah would be a tactical advisor, and Bridge Four would be a rebel squad under Kaladin's command. Hoid would be a mystical hobo that gives Shallan random advice whilst she is caught in a moral quandary. Bonus points if he is inexplicably black. Odium would be a sequel hook that is not explained for three books. 

 

Rant over. Proceed with your lives.

 

EDIT: Thanks to Grey Pilgrim for reminding me about the awful abomination that is First Person Present Tense. Predictably, this book would have it as well.

 

EDIT the Second: The book would not be called The Stormlight Archive. That's too long for our fragile reader heads. It would simply be called Stormlight, to confuse readers into reading it because it's similar to Twilight.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Chrono

[Fatebreaker Most Ancient]

I believe anyone who is inexplicably black should get bonus points.

[king of nowhere Voidbringer]

speaking of dystopia, what if the warhammer 40k fandom were to write mistborn?

the final empire would not exist in a vacuum, but it would be hard pressed to fight off a half dozen factions of invaders from outside, all those wanting nothing but the total annihilation of humankind. a small empire would be willing to accept them as b-list citizens if they agree to be brainwashed by a nazi-style propaganda machine, and those are probably the lesser evil of all factions.

the lord ruler would require the sacrifice of ten thousands people to stay alive every day, but his death would be the end of the only way men can travel to the farthest reaches of the empire, and since the empire can only survive against its enemies by being united, there would really be no alternatives to it.

kelsier would fight for the final empire; as much as he hated it, it's either fight for it, or watch as one of the opther factions kill you and anyone you loved. he would recruit vin from a group  of heretics. the steel inquisition would then proceed to kill all the luthadel population, to make sure the heresy is contained.

the imperial guard would have for motto "we have more people than you bullets", and would fight accordingly. general demoux would execute a bunch of soldiers to use their bodies as construction material, and will be awarded for it. the soldiers will cheer it, as they are glad to lay down their lives for the lord ruler. all the main characters will need pharmaceutics made with dead children to stay alive.

the books will end with millions of people dead in pointless battles that don't really change anything. kelsier would die a heroic sacrifice that would ultimately lead to no good. vin could die too, or she could become corrupted by demons and become an antagonist for further books. rashek would still be in suspended animation, the machines keeping him alive slowly breaking down without anyone knowing how to fix them.

[GreyPilgrim Seer]

If Stormlight Archive was written by every Dystopian Teen writer ever...

Perfect. May I just add that the story would be written in the first person present tense, the worst type of narration ever created.

[traceria King's Tester]

I don't know if there are any mystery fans out there, but I'll take a gander at an Agatha Christie rewrite of SA:

 

Without revealing things of a spoilery nature:  Jasnah, obviously, would be the genius detective with the friendly sidekick as Shallan.  Adolin and Kaladin would be possible love interests of said sidekick, Adolin being the privileged upper class young man on holiday with his father, Dalinar, the retired British army officer.  Kaladin would be a troubled youth with sharp intellect but no social skills, most likely a gardener or other worker at whatever hotel they all happen to be staying at in some British colony of that time.  He'd have a troubled past, either scorned by a woman or overlooked as an heir to a fortune.  Lopen would be an American on holiday and just so excited about all the exotic things yet still oozing with American pride.  Sadeas would be the snide yet highly successful business man. His wife would be just as nauseatingly annoying.  And for all those who have read the real WoR, you all can likely guess both the murder victim as well as the murderer!  But will Jasnah be able to figure it out before her plucky sidekick makes a poor decision?!

 

(I may add in some characters, but those are my initial thoughts.  We're still missing a few parts, such as a "foreigner" in addition to the American and some kind of scientist or person with a field of specialty.)

[Left Tarachin Superstar]

Perfect. May I just add that the story would be written in the first person present tense, the worst type of narration ever created.

Oh how I've been thinking this!!!!!! Amen brudda

[GreyPilgrim Seer]

Oh how I've been thinking this!!!!!! Amen brudda

I don't mind the first person when done right, but paired with the present tense? Ain't happening.

[Observer Mistborn]

Present tense is already a horribly difficult way to write a good story, why do so many authors also add in first person? It's a recipe for disaster >_>

 

What would happen if the 17th Shard collectively wrote the Cosmere?

 

It'd probably never exit development...

[Left Tarachin Superstar]

I don't mind the first person when done right, but paired with the present tense? Ain't happening.

Agreed. The Imager Portfolio, which is one of my favorite non-cosmere series to date, is written in the firs person. It's by L.E. Modesitt, so the writing isn't great, but compared to- ugh- I can't even say that book by Roth, it's absolutely Rothfusian.

[maxal Dawnshard]

If Stormlight Archive was written by every Dystopian Teen writer ever...

 

Love your post. I wanted to try writing what if Veronica Roth wrote SA, but I guess you beat me to it. This is awesome.

[Shaggai Seer]

Terry Pratchett - The Discworld Series

 Where to start?

Death and Hoid would be very familiar with each other.

Nale would smoke a cigar.

Nightblood would ramble incessantly about tapestries.

Greatshells would be turtles.

The Storm father would be an ascended janitor who sought to cleanse the land with a decent wash and a good scrubbing.

Elkohar would carry his teddy with him everywhere.

Rock would have been a troll, Teft a wizard drop-out, and Lopen would sell chouta at discount prices.

kaladin would be the rightful ruler of the alethi, but choose to remain a captain instead.

The Stick would actually have been sapient pear-wood and had the power to destroy the Discmere, but no one would have noticed.

Sazed would have been an orangutan(quiet, scholarly, and insanely strong when the need arose), the  become the first ascendant orangutan

Someone would call Pattern a Voidbringer and get the crap beaten out of them.

 

Frank Herbert- The Way of Kings would be have even more religion and politics and ecology. However the rest of the series will probably go down hill pretty steadily, until MeatLoaf Sanderson picks up the back half and makes them half decent.

 

J.K. Rowling- The characters of all the books would be so real that you expect to meet them on the street, but there's tons of inconsistencies in the magic and world building. And Odium will manage to sneak his investure into nightblood letting him survive even after being killed.

Wait, are you saying that Brian Herbert did a good job? I haven't read his stuff, but I heard it was terrible. Yes, Dune was going downhill (seriously, there's an entire mental rant by Odrade near the beginning of Heretics of Dune about the word "liberal", despite the word being used in a completely different context in the phrase that triggered the rant), but I heard that the post-mortem stuff was even worse, just in different ways.

 

Present tense is already a horribly difficult way to write a good story, why do so many authors also add in first person? It's a recipe for disaster >_>

 

What would happen if the 17th Shard collectively wrote the Cosmere?

 

It'd probably never exit development...

If the 17th Shard wrote the Cosmere, the Stick would be the physical body of Adonalsium, there would be a magic system based entirely on foodstuffs (somewhere between Allomancy and Lift, with cookies and waffles being two of the main components), nobody would have an intact soul due to the constant use of Hemalurgy, Renarin would alternate between being the most awesome entity in the Cosmere and a worthless sack of meat (depending on who specifically was writing), Shallan would never make up her mind on who to have a relationship with, Taravangian and Szeth would both, like Renarin, alternate between tragic heroes akin to Brutus in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar and psychopathic madmen, and Hoid would still be Hoid because Hoid is Hoid and Hoid is always Hoid.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Shaggai

[Observer Mistborn]

You forgot the part where the story teeters on the edge of answering the dreaded spren R34 questions, before the Knights Moderator close the idea down in the nick of time after the end-of-chapter cliffhanger.

 

And if it were written by me there would be more time travel and Ham-like moral dilemmas to go with it.

[Curiosity Rambleman]

And occasionally there would be hints about weird chalk, evil super beings, and the word "Alcatraz", but the majority of POV's would deny the existence of all of them. 

 

Plus random chapters of discussion/debate between Jasnah and Khriss about the Physiology of Holding Stormlight, Everything They Know About Time Bubbles, and The Statistical Treatment of mystical objects called "RAFO's". 

[Shaggai Seer]

And then it would turn out at the end of the final book that the God Beyond was actually Brandon all along.
 
Actually, what if that's what it actually is? What if that's Brandon's way of inserting himself into the Cosmere? A hidden reference that nobody else would get. And Brandon would certainly be a God beyond all other gods, for the purposes of the Cosmere. And Yolish magic grants the ability to sense the plot, which, enhanced by Feruchemical tin or Feruchemical nicrosil, is how Hoid knows when there are novel-worthy events going on.

[Ashiok Ghostblood]

How about Scott lynch writing TFE? That would be a sight to see...

[GreyPilgrim Seer]

How about Scott lynch writing TFE? That would be a sight to see...

We wouldn't be able to quote anything from the book here on 17th Shard without the swear filter going nuts.

[Asperity Babsk]

And then it would turn out at the end of the final book that the God Beyond was actually Brandon all along.

 

Actually, what if that's what it actually is? What if that's Brandon's way of inserting himself into the Cosmere? A hidden reference that nobody else would get. And Brandon would certainly be a God beyond all other gods, for the purposes of the Cosmere. And Yolish magic grants the ability to sense the plot, which, enhanced by Feruchemical tin or Feruchemical nicrosil, is how Hoid knows when there are novel-worthy events going on.

I would sure as hell hope not.

 

Already got a taste of that with King and Dark Tower.