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RickCo

1/9/12 -- Corruption -- Prologue -- RickCo

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Hey guys!

This is my first submission to the group. It is the prologue of my epic fantasy novel, Corruption. I hope you like it, but the more feedback, the better! Don't spare my feelings, please! Thanks!

Rick

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I really enjoyed this. It was a little rough at points, but nothing that can't be fixed with some editing. I did feel the environment needed a little more description. The materials that things are made of. What the characters look like. You're packing a lot of unique races and things into the prologue though, making that description a chore. Finding the happy medium might be difficult.

The biggest issue I had is super nit-picky but important. Try to avoid repetitive word use, especially at the start of sentences. You had a lot of spots where you started two to four sentences in a row with he. It's awkward to read. Otherwise your doing great. I couldn't like the viewpoint character much, but that's not because he was badly done. He was a little over-emotionless, but well defined.

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I liked that things turned into a setup for Pirian, and that things were deeper and more complicated than he had thought. I also think you've probably done a good job with your types of magic, distinguishing different ones for the different people. It appears you've got a large world and background for the series set up, and that you've done well to not let all of the information come crashing down into this opening chapter.

However, I think you might have gone a little too far with that. Part of it is description, as Aminar stated. However, I don't think it should be entirely related to the environment. I think a little bit more about the different types of magic might help, as long as you don't go overboard. Especially right at the beginning, since all of his thoughts are about how his magic works, when he meets the other group of people in the hallway there is no mention (that I recall) of them being magical either. Of course, if everyone (or at least, all Sihir) are magical, Pirian might not remark on the group being magical either, but he might take note of a couple of them just to let us know what is possible. Later, when Apian fire starts jumping around and he gets punched, the magic being exhibited is a bit much of a surprise to me. So I think a couple of small references to details about this or that other type of magic might help round out the world a bit more and let us know what is possible to have happen in it, before everything starts going downhill for Pirian.

It seems odd to have Pirian punished so harshly for using his magic to command others, and yet to have everyone so afraid that he's using his magic to command them. If it were such an offense that being shown to do so meant being purged, people might worry about it intellectually, but it doesn't seem like something that would keep them on edge all the time. If it was that common, it's more like Pirian would be working hard to not have it seem like he was the influence anytime someone does something a little out of what they perceive their own character to be. You know: A husband gets tempted into an affair? Oh, it wasn't me, a Matuon must have caused me to do so. Things like that. Jealous wives or husbands may think that the best way to resolve that insult would be to find the likeliest Matuon and eliminate the problem.

Pirian takes control of Jayal and thinks that he will definitely be purged, as nobody had ever done that before. However, it sure seems like that is exactly what Jayal does to him when he is to be purged. Does that mean nobody has been purged in living memory?

Those were the biggest issues I had. I thought the chapter read well overall, and I look forward to seeing what might happen in the next one.

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This is another one that I missed by being off the lists. Do you think you could send me a copy at [email protected] ?

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I think you have some good ideas here and those shine through the work itself. You also have a good sense for drama.

Technically, your writing has some major problems. Your sentences are choppy. Your diction is limited. Nothing flows or moves the reader along. Furthermore, you don't add enough discription to make the world tangible. You're throwing us somewhere alien, give us a foothold so we can reaccquaint ourselves.

I also think that the scene breaks are too abrupt. You break us out of the narritive. Maybe try to keep it to one scene.

With some hard editing, you could get this working, but it will take a lot of work to boost the prose and dialogue even to workman-like levels.

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Thanks everyone for the feedback. I've definitely been getting the "not enough description" line from folks. I was trying to walk that fine line, as someone said, but I think it's clear I erred to much on the side of caution, trying not to dump on the reader.

@Yados Would you mind elaborating? Don't take this the wrong way, but all I got out of your critique was "your writing sucks. work hard and it can suck a bit less." That's not exactly what I'd call helpful. Again, not trying to defend or argue, as everyone has their opinion, but more critique your critique.

For example, Aminar says there are times I repeat words. That's something I can look for and fix. Just asking for some explanation, mate. Thanks!

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