January 9th 2012 Aminar - Primordial Lights

[Aminar]

Thanks for letting me into the group and allowing me to submit this. I hope you like it. I'm going to try to refrain from arguing in here, I have a tendency to want to explain myself,so if you have any direct questions please post them obviously, otherwise I'm likely going to work very hard not to respond.

Thanks

Aminar

[Sprouts]

Ok, I don't have a review ready yet, so I don't know if posting this is against the rules or anything....

But I really, really, really enjoyed what you did with the first chapter. It flowed well for most of the chapter, I was asking questions the whole time, and wanted to read more when it ended.

Keep it up! I'll have a more in-depth review for you sometime soon hopefully.

[katherinewessman]

Thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed the flow of the story - it was interesting and I felt pulled along throughout the story. There were a few times I was confused about what was going on - like I wasn't sure if she was a priestess herself or if she was just talking about other priestesses who went along the same path. I also felt there were some sentences that were so long as to be confusing. Overall I was entertained and I am interested to see where the story goes next.

[Aminar]

Thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed the flow of the story - it was interesting and I felt pulled along throughout the story. There were a few times I was confused about what was going on - like I wasn't sure if she was a priestess herself or if she was just talking about other priestesses who went along the same path. I also felt there were some sentences that were so long as to be confusing. Overall I was entertained and I am interested to see where the story goes next.

Which sentences? I have a problem with that and would love to fix it. The problem with this character is that by nature her race is hideously complex to describe quickly. That's a terrible flaw, but I'm unwilling to ditch something because its coolness is hard to work with.

I'll look into the priestess bit. She is a priestess, but given the society that doesn't mean much.

And thanks for the positive reviews. They make me want to write more.

[ACharles78]

Aminar,

I decided to come up with a new mode of critiquing that I find should cover all bases. I’ve finally decided that we’re all writers here, and these are probably our first drafts and what not, so I won’t even bother with sentencing/grammar and all that latter stuff. Personally i don't think you need me or anybody else to put out these minute things. So I’ll begin with what I like, what needs to be clearer, and what doesn’t work all that well. I'll start by saying this is a really enticing first chapter. You really have a lot of good things working for this story. You might see I ask a lot of questions, but these are purely rhetorical. I ask them because I think them, and of course, assume the author is not there to answer them for me. But anyway, here it goes:

What I like:

-The tension- Right off the back we’re thrown into the action. This is great. Although I don’t think the part about the flying dinosaur was really necessary (well, maybe just tell us later). On the copy I printed I cut out that part and as far as tension is concerned, I think if the first few sentences of the book began with “Somewhere deep within the jungles surrounded Iraisa a raptor shrieked. She needed to hurry, the sun was going to shift soon.” The book would throw us head long into suspense. That’s really all you need. But good job, this had me hooked from the get go.

-The magic- I think we’re gonna have to have a duel because the magic of my character in the Incarni is very much like yours, even the part about the characters metabolizing the energy (although now that I think about, my magic is more of a power, but that’s neither here nor there). I actually really like this kind of light magic. It was one of the things that really stuck out about this story. I really like how the scriptures move across their skin. I get vivid images that they are like moving, glowing tattoos. Really good stuff. I also admire that you didn’t explain it and drag the great tension. I have faith it will all be explained later.

-The pacing- You really have a knack for raising the stakes. I really admire this because this is the part I struggle with so much. I have rewritten my beginnings more times than I can count, and here you’ve done and excellent job.

-The character- This is strange because I find myself really liking Iraisa a lot, only to see that she might have died at the end. I’d like to hope you didn’t kill her off. This of course, is a brilliant way to end the chapter. It makes me look forward to reading more to see if she is alive or not. Like a girl I’d want to date, I’d like to get to know her a little better

Here’s what I think needs to be clearer in terms of me being confused:

-Sun shifting- I’m slightly confused about this, but at the same time, it really has me intrigued. It’s the execution that I think is a little off. I thought I had a grasp of it, but then I read the following passage:

“Iraisa needed to get to the tiny shelter before the sun shifted; if she was out in the open when the sun shifted she was as good as dead. Heart thudding, Iraisa sprinted to the stone shelter, praying she made it in time. She barley made it; as soon as she shut the door the sun shifted, darting back through the sky, instantly lighting up the already glowing jungle.”

Mainly, it was the last part that really threw me for a loop. How does a sun dart across a sky? I couldn’t even imagine this. This is behavior of a meteor or comet, not a star. I think what makes it hard to imagine is the terminology of it. When I think of something shifting, I think of a planet revolving, or something changing places, like the magnetic poles do. But the way in which it is described doesn’t lend to a clear cut description. What exactly is the sun doing? So is it the setting of the sun that causes the shift? So does that mean that when its dark it shifts? Or is it like an eclipse? My personal suggestion for this is maybe giving us something our sun does so that we can imagine it better. Like if it passes behind another celestial body, or ring-like aperture in the sky, and the light changes to signify it’s shifting (well, maybe that’s not the best example, but something along those lines). Also, just a minor gripe, but you mentioned the sun shifting part in the opening page and don’t need to bring it up again. At least not in the first chapter.

-Iraisa’s purpose/the strangers/whatever happened at the end- I think from what I read that Iraisa and her priestess take shifts guarding portals. Like I said, I’m not sure. But I need to be. If I’m right then this is a really interesting concept, just needs a little clarity.

The strangers that are introduced after Iraisa gets inside the temple also made me confused. So is it Iraisa’s people or the strangers that communicate telepathically? If the strangers are making hooting noises and gestures, then I’d think they are talking, or at least, doing something like talking. Why then does one of the strangers communicate telepathically with Iraisa? How could she have known if it was coming from him if she doesn’t even know who they are? I was just confused by that.

I was lost by the time the tyrannosaur came out of nowhere. Did he come through the portal? Was he hiding? Also needs clarification.

What is distracting/Doesn’t work for me. These are all fixable things that I saw trying to be worked out but just didn’t stick the landing. They are also things that made me stop reading and say, ‘hey, waita minute’:

-The dinosaurs- This might be my biggest criticism about what distracted me when I was reading. Dinosaurs are awesome. Let me just say that part first. Dinosaurs in a fantasy story are even more awesome, but only if they are analogous to your planet/realm’s version of them. I think its very unique to have them in a story like this. By all means, I love them. However, I do think that, dinosaur, the terminology, their names (tyrannosaur for example, literally meaning terrible lizard—I think) are entirely earthly names for such creatures. I could be wrong in assuming so, but I’m pretty sure this planet is very different from earth (unless there are parallel worlds or something, which is entirely viable). You might want to think about just changing what the Hamara call them. Not only that, but this is the fun part where you get to make them even more unique to the biology of the Hamara jungles. And from what I’ve read, this is already a strength of yours. I’d much rather see what kind of beast you could come up with. I guess what I’m trying to say is that they can be dinosaur like, but not dinosaurs. There is an excellent podcast on writing excuses (that you might have already heard this week) where they talk about flora and fauna in fantasy and science fiction. I highly recommend it.

-backstory information- For as much as I like the tension in the first pages, its off set by Iraisa’s back story. I have nothing wrong with the presentation about the Hamara, the priesthood, but all of that stuff needs to take a back seat (at least until our protagonist can get out of their situation). You had me hooked, keep reeling us in. I guess my suggestion would be to advance the story, don’t slow it down.

-Character thoughts- This part is purely technical. I know I said I wouldn't get nit picky, but this just confused me. I didn’t know that this <> signified thoughts when I read it. It was confusing. Italics I think are the rule of thumb for that. Just a minor gripe.

This should cover everything. Overall, this was a great read. Can’t wait to come back for more, and as always, I hope this helps.

[Aminar]

Thanks Charles.

I'm not arguing, just explaining some things that get explained over the course of what I have done, and what I have yet to do as long as it isn't too spoilery. Mainly because if you know what's going on you can tell me if it still doesn't work.

My next entries will unfortunately not be as good as this one. I wrote my prologue a month ago, and the first chapter 11 months ago. Since then I've gotten much better.

<> implies scripting. Finding a good way to differentiate the silent communication from speech was difficult. In the short story I'm writing that involves 0 spoken communication I have three different annotations. >text> for Hamara, <text< for Valjeta, and (word, word, word.) for a communication style akin to morse code. I went with the arrows to convey directional movement and to reference animorphs.-It seems I need to explain Hamara speech better, but I'll leave that for now as it isn't incredibly important until much much later-

The problems you have are all quite accurate, but play into my expectations.

The Hamara's dimension is artificial. Everything you mentioned deals with that artificiality.

The sun darts across the sky because The Hamara are only around for the last hour and a half of daylight in any given day that their dimension has. Thus the sun moves backwards an hour and half every hour and a half. I used the word dart because the human mind draws that motion connection when things instantly move a short amount of space. The Hamara dimensions exists as if it were in the late cretacious period because that was when the dimension was created(specifically to avoid the mass extinction of the dinosaurs caused by a meteor a pair of mages summoned to end the war between the Hamara and Valjeta. I'm writing that story now too.)-this deals with the complexity of my world building and require explanations beyond the scope of Iraisa's knowledge.-

This story is an urban fantasy(not on earth though, just with earth biology because I'm not ready for that level of world creation.). That isn't evident in the prologue at all, because 80% of the story takes place in "the real world" meaning the dimension all the little pocket dimensions that surround it originate from. They pop into the Hamara world, The Valjeta world(Polar opposite of the Hamara. Come in sky blue, white, and burgandy. 1984 style society, etc.) and The dimension where the deity pantheon three of my main characters follow dwell. In addition, I have a race that capitalizes on the ability to create pocket dimensions fairly easily. This is my only real chance to develop the Hamara until close to the end of the book.-More on world building complexity but outside the scope of what I'll be explaining any time soon in book.-

The bit with the psychic communication is something that I've only half explained 3/4ths of the way through the book. Those particular characters show up more, mainly in the background due to the level of power available to them.-Meaning that is a plot point. I know what's going on with it and I like that you asked the right questions.-

The hooting is talking, but Iraisa has no concept of verbal speech. Or skin tone as a color. Implying that is really hard, suggestions welcome. On the plus side, I cheat to resolve that problem later, or more specifically one of the characters cheats badly.

I'll try to forshadow the Tyrannosaur a little. He does kind of come out of nowhere. Iraisa's just too flustered to have noticed it. There's so much going on there.

I want to spoil things for you, because I can answer your questions, I just can't fit all of it while holding tension.

Now the apology. I'm a super newbie writer. This is my first book. I started it just over a year ago. I have 0 formal training. I do have years of reading exp, some good connections, and more creativity than I can handle without writing or some other creative vice-all of which are expensive.(Magic, warhammer, etc.)

I have to go write now.

Thanks so much. I'm glad everyone that commented liked my prologue. I'll send out chapter 1 some week soon. Hopefully it goes over well, but it is rough.

[Yados]

hey, I wasn't in the mailing list when this was posted, but I'm very much interested in reading it.

maybe you could send it to me at [email protected]

then i can have an opinion too

[Aminar]

hey, I wasn't in the mailing list when this was posted, but I'm very much interested in reading it.

maybe you could send it to me at [email protected]

then i can have an opinion too

In the other topic you said you were booted from the E-mail list. What do you mean by that?

[Yados]

Oh, I forgot to reply to the "clearing of the email list" email. Even though I've been relatively active in the RE community.

I wasn't banned or anything if that was what you were worried about.

[Aminar]

Oh, I forgot to reply to the "clearing of the email list" email. Even though I've been relatively active in the RE community.

I wasn't banned or anything if that was what you were worried about.

I've got to be a little cautious; this book is kind of important to me. Sending the email now.

[Yados]

Oh, I totally understand. I've been holding off posting my current project on here until I get it to a point where I don't hate myself every time I try to read it.

I look forward to the critiquing.

[cjhuitt]

I liked it. I've read the other critiques, so I'll try not to repeat things too much, but I'll make reference to some of them.

I thought it read easily and well. There was a little bit that I thought was confusing at the beginning, but not enough to deter me from the story. However, you might benefit from reading through with an eye toward tightening up the prose. I recently re-listened to one of the WE episodes that discuss this, and it struck me again how useful the advice can be. In this case, I think you can take an easy and enjoyable read and make it fly by as well with a little editing. One example -- in the first paragraph, I'm not sure if you need "in Iraisa's opinion", since the rest of the chapter firmly establishes that we are in her viewpoint already, so it can be assumed to be her opinion. You might also be able to tighten up the wording explaining how dangerous the raptors are.

I understood the sun shifting part of the story, although I had a lot of questions about it. The biggest question I had was why it seemed to affect everything except the priestesses (or the people as a whole, I'm not sure). I also wondered about the line of Iraisa needing to research the shifting later. It sounds like something she wasn't use to in that way, but I get the impression from the rest of the chapter that it is something she should be well used to.

I expected Iraisa to have a stronger reaction to the portal being open, once I understood what it meant. As it is, she seems to gloss by it with a brief thought before the narration goes into a bit of a history lesson.

When the raptor first attacks, Iraisa brings up a shield behind her, then the narration describes the raptor that she could see "in vivid detail." I don't know if you need to describe her turning, but I don't know if starting with the shield behind her is necessary either. If she needs to see the raptor and reaction, it could just jump from the forest at her.

After the sun shifts, Iraisa thinks about where Corlin was and decided he must have gone back to alert the other priestesses. So of course she makes the logical decision to leave the place she was supposed to guard herself, in order to go and notify the priestesses. Does this make sense? To me, it seems like one place where the characters move as the plot requires.

I agree with the others that the Tyrannosaur could be slightly better foreshadowed.

I'm plenty ready to read the next part.

[Aminar]

I understood the sun shifting part of the story, although I had a lot of questions about it. The biggest question I had was why it seemed to affect everything except the priestesses (or the people as a whole, I'm not sure). I also wondered about the line of Iraisa needing to research the shifting later. It sounds like something she wasn't use to in that way, but I get the impression from the rest of the chapter that it is something she should be well used to.

You ever have that nagging thought you knew you couldn't put in. You resisted it over and over again, but somehow it slipped in. This is one of those.

I was going to try to explain the sun shifting bit. Then I realized that metaphysics are just that, Meta. They wouldn't do anything if I explained them in the story itself and might skew your read on things. I'll leave it at this. Belief is not a logical power source, thus its workings often seem illogical, and in character the odds of anybody ever figuring out how belief powers things are low. I can think of one character that knows and he's bound by oath never to let that information slip. All you ever see of him are journal entries.

[cjhuitt]

I was going to try to explain the sun shifting bit. Then I realized that metaphysics are just that, Meta. They wouldn't do anything if I explained them in the story itself and might skew your read on things

Fair enough, and I didn't think it really detracted from anything. I just thought you should be aware of it, and that some people will probably be put off by it.

[Aminar]

I get into it a little around 75k words in... The answer is just complicated and beyond character knowledge.

[Yados]

This was cool. You have some comma usage problems throughout and some of your wording could be clearer, but I think you move everything along quickly enough for it to be negligible. I would still try to clean it up for a final draft.

You sometimes say things twice or make a general statement that is followed by the more specific action. Some of you diction could be more vibrant. And I think that if you just gave us a bit more access to the character when you're describing the them, we'd be better off. When you say things like "she could tell a sunshift was about to happen" but we don't know how she could tell until way down further when you say they happen every hour and a half or so, you confuse the reader more than you illuminate them.

Aside from that, there's the tiny irk of this being an alien planet where very, very earth specific terms like hour, minute, tyrannosaur, and raptor are all commonly used.

But this was cool. It sounds like, from your description, that the rest of this book is more urban fantasy. Obviously, as the writer, you're the only one who can judge how well this prologue functions at setting up things for later in the book.

[Aminar]

This was cool. You have some comma usage problems throughout and some of your wording could be clearer, but I think you move everything along quickly enough for it to be negligible. I would still try to clean it up for a final draft.

You sometimes say things twice or make a general statement that is followed by the more specific action. Some of you diction could be more vibrant. And I think that if you just gave us a bit more access to the character when you're describing the them, we'd be better off. When you say things like "she could tell a sunshift was about to happen" but we don't know how she could tell until way down further when you say they happen every hour and a half or so, you confuse the reader more than you illuminate them.

Aside from that, there's the tiny irk of this being an alien planet where very, very earth specific terms like hour, minute, tyrannosaur, and raptor are all commonly used.

But this was cool. It sounds like, from your description, that the rest of this book is more urban fantasy. Obviously, as the writer, you're the only one who can judge how well this prologue functions at setting up things for later in the book.

It's not an alien planet. It isn't earth, but it is earthlike in the same way most fantasy is. That gets explained later. (And I think earlier in the thread.) It's a parallel dimension(a quirk of the magic system) that was created as a fallout shelter to avoid the meteor that drove the dinosaurs to extinction, although that meteor was technically a tiny moon yanked out of orbit to end a war-basically the nuke everything option- The moon was yanked out of orbit by the same people that made the portals to the other dimensions.

On the common usage bits. I, as the writer, am translating this from the thought processes of the characters into something understandable by humans. I've never liked keeping measurement different unless the description is self evident. For instance if I said Iraisa is 5 foot 2 you get the idea she's short. If I say she's 16 belta's tall you have no idea what I'm talking about. If I do everything comparatively then distance characters run is confusing. If I say she's 2 steps tall you can work it out, That comes to about 5 feet. All in all though keeping measurements in the standard notations of the reader makes more sense.(To me) I always get annoyed by using alternate words that mean the same thing too. I've heard time done in Bell's. Odds are she thinks of everything in shifts(Those being an hour and a half long). I translated that in a way the reader will understand easily. And as an Urban Fantasy that is going to be far more comfortable later.

Grumble I'm argueing. Please don't argue back. I'm really just explaining my thought process on writing.

Edited January 22, 2012 by Aminar

[Yados]

It's not an alien planet. It isn't earth, but it is earthlike in the same way most fantasy is. That gets explained later. (And I think earlier in the thread.) It's a parallel dimension(a quirk of the magic system) that was created as a fallout shelter to avoid the meteor that drove the dinosaurs to extinction, although that meteor was technically a tiny moon yanked out of orbit to end a war-basically the nuke everything option- The moon was yanked out of orbit by the same people that made the portals to the other dimensions.

On the common usage bits. I, as the writer, am translating this from the thought processes of the characters into something understandable by humans. I've never liked keeping measurement different unless the description is self evident. For instance if I said Iraisa is 5 foot 2 you get the idea she's short. If I say she's 16 belta's tall you have no idea what I'm talking about. If I do everything comparatively then distance characters run is confusing. If I say she's 2 steps tall you can work it out, That comes to about 5 feet. All in all though keeping measurements in the standard notations of the reader makes more sense.(To me) I always get annoyed by using alternate words that mean the same thing too. I've heard time done in Bell's. Odds are she thinks of everything in shifts(Those being an hour and a half long). I translated that in a way the reader will understand easily. And as an Urban Fantasy that is going to be far more comfortable later.

Grumble I'm argueing. Please don't argue back. I'm really just explaining my thought process on writing.

Yeah, I get that. You may be onto something with the Epic/Urban fantasy divide. I'm just using hands and fingers in my stuff so it's a twinge different but still coherent.

Looking forward to reading more.

[Aminar]

Yeah, I get that. You may be onto something with the Epic/Urban fantasy divide. I'm just using hands and fingers in my stuff so it's a twinge different but still coherent.

Looking forward to reading more.

As soon as i finish rewriting chapter 1... I sucked so bad when I started this story...

[Rayonn]

I like it in general, however I happen to belong to a (very small, admittedly) set of readers who are going to find a book like this nearly unreadable unless the paleobiology is done very well, in which case we will love it.

So, assuming you want to cater to the subset of the audience I represent (a dubious assumption, but a necessary one), I've got some pointers:

1. Choose a specific time and place. Given what you said earlier in the thread, you probably want latest Cretaceous for the time; might I suggest Montana for the place? Then you're looking at the ecosystem of the Hell Creek Formation, which is well-studied. (Yeah, I know it's a pocket universe, so it's not actually -in- Montana, but maybe the animals in the pocket universe were taken from a specific region. Alternately, you could just ignore this point if it doesn't make sense for your setting.) In this case, you would be a bit late for Pteranodon (but see point 2).

2. Use azhdarchids! These are a group of big pterosaurs that appear to have spent a lot of time on the ground. Quetzalcoatlus is one of the most famous, and it's one of the most -awesome- animals ever to have lived. Long-legged, quadrupedal, nearly as tall as a giraffe, long stabbing beak (five feet long), eats pretty much any thing it can catch. Runs, wades, soars. Look for the work of Mike Habib and Mark Witton (some of it is available on the web, and if you can find their email addresses they will probably send you pdfs if asked politely). Most likely it would fly for long range travel, then land and walk around to hunt. The fossils are from Texas, but pterosaurs didn't fossilize easily, so it's not much of a stretch to put it in Montana.

3. Remember birds are almost certainly a type of maniraptor (small, predatory dinosaurs such as raptors and some other things). Velociraptor and its relatives were probably covered in feathers. Also, most of the latest Cretaceous dromaeosaurs (i.e. raptors) were much smaller than the ones in Jurassic Park, which are based on a much earlier genus (Deinonychus). Like, turkey-sized. Not that wild turkeys aren't scary. (Carnivorous turkeys would be even scarier). Nor were they as smart as Jurassic Park makes them (though still fairly smart). Dangerous to humans in packs, but probably not individually (unless they had some reason to risk injury, like if defending a nest).

4. Juvenile tyrannosaurs are underrated. Yeah, the big adults could eat you in one bite, but a young one (last result I read estimated 12 years to maturity for tyrannosaurs, much longer than for other dinosaurs which would mature in one 1-4 years or more, depending on size) would be small enough to put all their running adaptations to use. They have long lower legs and a modified metatarsal (a bone in the foot), and might be able to catch you on a bike. (A full grown Tyrannosaurus was probably to big to run.) These guys would probably be the most dangerous predator to adult humans in the Hell Creek ecosystem, with Quetzalcoatlus as the reason you have to watch your kids. Thomas Holtz is one of the authorities on tyrannosaurs.

5. Remember herbivorous does not mean nice. There are lots (and lots and lots) of horned dinosaurs (Triceratops, Torosaurus) in the Hell Creek ecosystem. I can imagine them having the personality of rhinos (or even huge wild boar--which don't mind scavenging dead animals.)

6. Finally, remember that most animals don't fossilize. So if you want something from outside your chosen time or place, or just want to make something up, you can just say 'it was there, we never found the fossils, too bad'. (You might lampshade that, though.)

Sorry, that was long and involved, and didn't really touch on your story that much. Feel free to ignore it. (But I hope you don't--there aren't many great fantasies with cutting-edge dinosaurs, and I'm liking what I've seen of your story.)

EDIT: Fixed the numbering.

Edited January 24, 2012 by Rayonn

[Aminar]

I like it in general, however I happen to belong to a (very small, admittedly) set of readers who are going to find a book like this nearly unreadable unless the paleobiology is done very well, in which case we will love it.

So, assuming you want to cater to the subset of the audience I represent (a dubious assumption, but a necessary one), I've got some pointers:

1. Choose a specific time and place. Given what you said earlier in the thread, you probably want latest Cretaceous for the time; might I suggest Montana for the place? Then you're looking at the ecosystem of the Hell Creek Formation, which is well-studied. (Yeah, I know it's a pocket universe, so it's not actually -in- Montana, but maybe the animals in the pocket universe were taken from a specific region. Alternately, you could just ignore this point if it doesn't make sense for your setting.) In this case, you would be a bit late for Pteranodon (but see point 2).

2. Use azhdarchids! These are a group of big pterosaurs that appear to have spent a lot of time on the ground. Quetzalcoatlus is one of the most famous, and it's one of the most -awesome- animals ever to have lived. Long-legged, quadrupedal, nearly as tall as a giraffe, long stabbing beak (five feet long), eats pretty much any thing it can catch. Runs, wades, soars. Look for the work of Mike Habib and Mark Witton (some of it is available on the web, and if you can find their email addresses they will probably send you pdfs if asked politely). Most likely it would fly for long range travel, then land and walk around to hunt. The fossils are from Texas, but pterosaurs didn't fossilize easily, so it's not much of a stretch to put it in Montana.

3. Remember birds are almost certainly a type of maniraptor (small, predatory dinosaurs such as raptors and some other things). Velociraptor and its relatives were probably covered in feathers. Also, most of the latest Cretaceous dromaeosaurs (i.e. raptors) were much smaller than the ones in Jurassic Park, which are based on a much earlier genus (Deinonychus). Like, turkey-sized. Not that wild turkeys aren't scary. (Carnivorous turkeys would be even scarier). Nor were they as smart as Jurassic Park makes them (though still fairly smart). Dangerous to humans in packs, but probably not individually (unless they had some reason to risk injury, like if defending a nest).

4. Juvenile tyrannosaurs are underrated. Yeah, the big adults could eat you in one bite, but a young one (last result I read estimated 12 years to maturity for tyrannosaurs, much longer than for other dinosaurs which would mature in one 1-4 years or more, depending on size) would be small enough to put all their running adaptations to use. They have long lower legs and a modified metatarsal (a bone in the foot), and might be able to catch you on a bike. (A full grown Tyrannosaurus was probably to big to run.) These guys would probably be the most dangerous predator to adult humans in the Hell Creek ecosystem, with Quetzalcoatlus as the reason you have to watch your kids. Thomas Holtz is one of the authorities on tyrannosaurs.

5. Remember herbivorous does not mean nice. There are lots (and lots and lots) of horned dinosaurs (Triceratops, Torosaurus) in the Hell Creek ecosystem. I can imagine them having the personality of rhinos (or even huge wild boar--which don't mind scavenging dead animals.)

6. Finally, remember that most animals don't fossilize. So if you want something from outside your chosen time or place, or just want to make something up, you can just say 'it was there, we never found the fossils, too bad'. (You might lampshade that, though.)

Sorry, that was long and involved, and didn't really touch on your story that much. Feel free to ignore it. (But I hope you don't--there aren't many great fantasies with cutting-edge dinosaurs, and I'm liking what I've seen of your story.)

EDIT: Fixed the numbering.

Quick note. I'm going late cretaceous, but I'm not going into a ton of detail on any of the dinosaurs to keep them simple. Anything like a raptor is a raptor with a size. Same for Tyrannosorids and everything else. Place doesn't especially apply, my story isn't on Earth, just a world with identical biology, like most high fantasy. That keeps things a bit more open, especially given the giant continent I have everything happening on. In addition the dinosaurs themselves are psuedomagical. They've been trapped in a magical dimension for 67 million years or so. That has twisted their biology to match the aesthetics. basically I'm too anal about the dinosaurs to ever get anything done with them, so I chose to cheat.

I just wrote a scene with Quetzalcoatlus in my prequel short story a few minutes ago, although they're just being referred to as giant pteranodon's for simplicities sake. I have a couple fun references though. One of the characters obtains a Dawndrako Kanzai later and I couldn't help but throw in the name considering he took it from the dimension where it is always dawn.

I greatly enjoy having somebody to dinosaur geek with me though as I've done a ton of research to keep my cheating acceptable.

Edited January 24, 2012 by Aminar

[Skyhunter Commander]

I apologize for getting to this so late, but I wanted to comment on the prologue before I get to the main story.

I've haven't read through the comments/discussion here, so I may very well be repeating things already said.

I enjoyed the prologue. Anything at all confusing was at least mostly clear by the time I finished it, and the fact that it's a prologue allows for things to go unexplained. I do hope the story finds its way back here at some point, though what will happen there I don't know as it doesn't seem like Iraisa will be seen again.

I liked the world that was set up, which is why I hope to see it again, though I understand why the entire story isn't set there.

The only (slight) issue I have is with the dinosaurs. Not the dinosaurs themselves, (I've always loved dinosaurs, and if you read any of my story yet I suspect you saw some influence of that there) but the use of the word dinosaur, and of the names of dinosaur species. While I get why you used the real words, it just felt odd to me for someone so alien to use words so firmly rooted in Earth language. While I guess the same is true for many words, for some reason it just felt off to me. I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that. Maybe it's just me.

And a tiny nitpick: For someone who has grown up in this world, Iraisa seems to be surprised by the speed of the dinosaurs a lot. (I don't think that anyone was making them faster, since if the plan was to mind wipe Iraisa why would they be sending things after her like that?)

That's all I have to say really. Hope it wasn't all a repetition of things already mentioned. Now on to the main story!