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Ace of Hearts

9/18/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 7, 4123 words (LV)

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Hi everyone!
After getting to know the other soldiers more, this one goes back to focusing on the dynamic between A and P. I'm hoping for their interpersonal relationship to carry a lot of the emotion in part 1, so I'm curious to see how it lands.
Thanks as always! :)

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 “…knew it was the wrong choice.” Tactically, or emotionally?

“He was supposed to make a break for it…” Even though he hadn’t managed to kill her?

P2 A’s manner of speech here seems to have changed. Though from the line just below, maybe this is deliberate?

P3 So… P’s rebellion is about the treatment of the soldiers?

P4 “Who will beat you down even further…” But the soldiers don’t usually remember their previous lives, do they? Or would the ministry do this regardless?

“Deep down, I don’t think I ever was.” Interesting. I wonder if there is a chance to plant a bit more of a seed on this sooner. Ditto “I’m not saying we’ll never revolt” – seems like a big shift in her thinking that hasn’t so far been signaled.

P7-8 after P has stormed off. This conversation goes on for quite a while without A participating, or even seeming to be an active observer.

P12 “…to tell her mom that she was going for a late stroll…” I still really need to understand how this base is laid out, physically Does A’s mom live on the base or…?

P14 “She bet all soldiers had that same thought at least once.” Did A?

Overall: I enjoyed this chapter in the main. I think the focus on P was helpful because it helped ground the chapter in one of A’s goals – to get P to stay – and helped keep the upcoming deserter conflict top of mind. I do wonder if a little more sense of escalation on that front would be helpful. Can there be a more overt ticking clock? More monsters coming out of the ocean as they try to prepare? Etc?

I thought the emotion between A and P worked pretty well, there certainly is a touching moment at the end of the chapter. One thing I’m not quite clear on is what kind of relationship it’s supposed to be. Is it a romance? A maternal/mentoring relationship? A saviour narrative? (A makes a reference in the early chapters about wanting to save P, but this chapter made me realize that we still don’t know what constitutes success or how A would achieve that.) Is the relationship between her and P different than it was in their previous lives, and how does A feel about that?

Keep up the good work!


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I thought the interaction between the two was good this chapter. That's one of your strong points.

Like @Silk, I'm also confused about what their relationship is. From this chapter, it seems like A remembers more than has been revealed to the reader, which makes it hard to connect to the two as having a relationship. If we knew a little more about what it was, or what A hopes it might be here, that would help.


Notes while reading:

pg 2: good interplay here!

pg 4: okay, so there's evidently an organized soldier resistance and Ash knows about it? Maybe some more hints from her in previous chapters?

pg 5: We see a decisive A here, from P's POV. But I don't think we've seen this side from A's POV. She's been much more cautious about working with the soldiers. Where did this change come from?

pg 8: Sooo...what's to keep A from just letting P get killed? Is there actually some emotional connection past knowing him before? He's not really endearing himself to his team, or the reader.

pg 10: "She couldn’t reach P because there was nothing left to reach."
--okay, so basically what I said above. I think we need a little more connection between them to give us a reason why she's fighting for him. She "lost" him in a past life. Were they friends? Lovers?

pg 14: "use it to remember me, even as you grow old"
--I'm still unclear on the age thing. Do soldiers just keel over after a couple years? And ministers don't?

pg 16: Nice ending.


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