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Jan 2 2012 - KateJ - Kingsdaughter Chapter 3


KateJ

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@KateJ

So Mara just seemed to pop up out of this sequence. I didn’t really know who Mara was until a few reads through. I finally got it, but I think, she wasn’t in there between Aleena and Meredith. So she was forgettable.

This is the hardest for you to improve on, but the dialogue just needs work. I’m sorry, but the whole time it just felt like it was a caricature of a school in an English university’s play or something. You should just write the dialogue of the characters in the voice that you would think they speak. Just tell them without our jolly ole English, just say what we would say, without our own slang terms, that's my advice. I’m sure you know it.

I like the new characters. Rurik and Erik. They’re great, but what about Alena? Who is our main character here? I don’t know who, we just go on to bigger stories and I don’t know who to root for anymore. You need to have a focused center. You can have Erik and Rurik as characters, but make sure we know our established character first. And you did not have that.

“Did none of your sons…?” Rurik let his question drift off.” This is a difficult sentence, why would he let it drift off? I’m too picky here, back to the big picture. I don’t like to pry on sentences alone, so I’ll go on.

But I couldn’t escape this part:

“At this point? Someone convincing her to an unwise marriage seems most likely. There’s half a dozen lords who’d like their sons to be king.”

“Why didn’t Rusland make a marriage for her years ago?” Rurik asked. “She’s what, twenty? Far past time she she was married!”

Who are they talking about here? I read back and back and couldn’t figure it out. I could only assume their talking about Meredith, but I don’t know for sure. The dialogue just keeps going on and on without establishing it’s subject. You need to make the subject very clear for the ignortant/stupid reader like me. I just didn’t see who they were talking about.

Page 21 who is this king, and why he talking so causally to Rurik?

“My men report you fought like a - creature out of legend.” The king seemed to be choosing his words carefully

What creature out of legend?

Give us a legend and a creature beforehand, and then tell us it. This comes off as you couldn’t come up with a creature and a legend. I want to see world building here, give us some real stuff we can sink our teeth into.

Who is this king giving out orders to Rurik? I thought the king was dead?

“If you tell one of your men to ride patrol, and instead he spends the evening in an inn drinking beer, what would you do?”

“Have him hanged,” Rurik said promptly, then felt himself grow cold. “Sire…”

Isn’t that a little extreme? Have him hanged for drinking beer? That’s a harsh penalty? Why would anyone be a soldier? Who would want any person to be a soldier if they would hang someone for drinking beer, you need to revise this.

Rurik struggled further upright. “I swore not to speak of it outside the Circle. Sire.”

What circle? You haven’t defined your magic yet. You kinda did in the last chapter, but I’m not sure how it works. You don’t bring it up in this chapter, and you need to, if its going to be a major piece in the novel. I don’t know what he’s talking about, I’m lost already.

“The Theis wizards who taught us magic to fight Durden, they called it berserking and said it was evil.”

I don’t like this terminology. This is too much like the Vikings of 11 Ad. They did go berserk, I know with this term means. This should not show up in your fantasy. This is our earth’s history, and culture. If you are writing in another culture, this should not show up. You should use another term.

I see where you want this to go. Rurik reconciling his once believed honor on things bigger than him through the king. But this is done all wrong I think. (I could be wrong with this assumption, but perhaps because it is not made clear enough). The king is not present in the first chapter, or even the first epilogue chapter, so he comes as a surprise. Alena is our main character, where is she? I haven’t seen her since? Until you show me her, I personally think it doesn’t really matter.

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I liked this chapter overall, although I do have a few of the same concerns ACharles78 has -- the primary one being that we are leaving Alena too quickly, before she's firmly established. However, I think some of it could be improved by setting up some echoes of the first chapter, where we meet Alena. Perhaps if someone comes to notify Rurik of the king's death, and he already knows their message.

I think you might also have to work harder to make Rurik's observations of his nephew, and the refusal to fight, less awkward if you want to continue to save the reasons for the flashback scene at the end of the chapter. Looking back through them, his behavior makes sense, but reading it the first time had me more confused.

I would suggest trimming the leave-taking scene as well, unless anything said there was important later. Even then, you might trim some of the unnecessary parts out, such as Rurik telling both the boy and Mara about his intentions to visit Oldtown with them later in the year. He could just tell them both at the same time, instead of repeating it.

Some of the ride might be trimmed this way also.

Rurik and Marius' dialog is a little bit butler-and-maid, but in this case I thought it worked quite well. One reason is probably that they haven't seen each other for a while, and so it's natural for them to discuss certain things to catch up. Another is that the dialog wanders (slightly!) between topics.

The flashback sequence should be set apart somehow. It took me a couple paragraphs to realize what I was reading there.

Also in the flashback, the King hesitating when talking about Rurik fighting like a creature out of legend. Why would he hesitate, and use the roundabout way of describing it, if they both know what it was?

Why is Rurik wondering where his duty is now and the end of the chapter? Has he heard about the new queen's pregnancy? I doubt it, or there'd be a larger reaction. As it is, I don't know why he's worrying about his duty.

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