5/29/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 15, 3982 words (V)

[Ace of Hearts]

Additional warning for toxic/abusive relationships involving mental illness.

 

We're getting pretty close to the end! There's a lot happening quickly here and I'm not sure how much of it has an impact so we'll see how it reads. Thanks!

[Mandamon]

I think most everything works here. The toxic relationship is very toxic, but hopefully anyone reading this would understand that as well.

My main issue at this point is that I don't really have enough information about the villains and why they're doing this. A says he wants the magic of the land to make medicine, but will do anything to get it. That one's pretty good, but I don't know why he wants to make medicine. Just profit? Does he want to help someone specific? I don't know what A.J. wants, really. There seem to be a lot of factions in the village as well, although a lot of people just got killed off. Setting up the three factions a lot clearer at the beginning will help things.

Also, it occurs to me that we haven't really seen the inhabitants of the village. We've seen the people in control. Wouldn't there be a big audience for the ritual? What are the rest of the villagers doing while multiple gunshots go off?

Still very interested in the story though!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: “It’s been tough without you.”
--barf.

pg 1: "the bad thoughts away."
--*go* away

pg 3: “Can I do anything to be more attractive to you?”
--stop talking?

pg 4: well, that escalated quickly. These people don't seem to care about murder much.

pg 7: "“Your vows,” I say."
--Huh, okay, yes ridiculous, but you hung a lantern on it. I think that works!

pg 9: nice chapter. Things are falling into place.

pg 10: "As a full human with no magic"
--wait, C is full human? I think that got lost somewhere. I'm wondering how/why she can be in charge of the village then.

pg 11: “I appreciate how much effort you put in for my sake,” I say.
--There is something deeply wrong with these people. I wonder if we need a little more reason why the entire village seems to be sociopaths? As well as the government agency? I think a little more depth to the villains might help make their case.

pg 13: The top few paragraphs here are confusing. I still don't really remember who's affiliated with what and why A is different than A.J. It's connected to the note above, because I don't know what each side wants out of things. That means it's hard to follow the secondary characters as well, and who they're allied with.

pg 14: “Good work stalling her,” 
--I mean...the characters are also getting cleaned out pretty quickly too...

pg 15: Everyone's in the same place!

[Ace of Hearts]

On 5/30/2023 at 10:28 AM, Mandamon said:

Also, it occurs to me that we haven't really seen the inhabitants of the village. We've seen the people in control. Wouldn't there be a big audience for the ritual? What are the rest of the villagers doing while multiple gunshots go off?

Yeah this is something I was wondering about, and I haven't found a good way to bring this up without muddling the narrative further. If you have ideas on this front I'm all ears! The ritual is supposed to be more of a private thing (I can make that clearer).

[Mandamon]

9 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Yeah this is something I was wondering about, and I haven't found a good way to bring this up without muddling the narrative further. If you have ideas on this front I'm all ears! The ritual is supposed to be more of a private thing (I can make that clearer).

I'd maybe just mention it in passing. Everyone's tucked away in their houses, or they're purposefully keeping so far away they can't hear any incriminating screams (or gunshots), or something like that.

[Silk]

Sorry I have been so late getting to these! I’ve been frantically revising my own current WIP. Which is now no longer a WIP! Hooray! 

As I read:

This may just be a me thing, but after I skimmed through the last chapter to refresh myself, I was briefly very confused to have Agent J referenced as just having left. It was a bit of a bumpy transition to the new POV.

“The comfort she showed me was…” I’m a bit surprised that there doesn’t seem to be any doubt from N at all about his relationship with W.

“The bad thoughts away…” missing word in C’s dialogue at the bottom of p1

P2 “I see her grinning up at me” I’m curious as to whether she’s really as unconflicted as she’s presenting here. Hard to do with the setup you’ve got, maybe, but N is fairly attentive to other people’s emotions.

“Do whatever will please you” Oh god this is so uncomfortable

(note: not a bad thing! It’s clearly supposed to be!)

P3 “Ambition. I thought it was what…” Maybe WRS, but not sure “access to life-saving medication” is ambition, exactly.

P4 “Why should I care that…” Again, very curious to get some hints of how C actually feels about this, or how N interprets her apparent lack of emotions. It’s uncomfortable (again, in a good way) and I think there is an opportunity to lean into that here.

Can we get more of reaction shot from N on discovering his grandmother’s body (and seeing MA for the first time)? I feel like this deserves to be punched up a bit. Probably more than a bit. I think the scene can definitely hit harder in the moment, but probably a bit more clarity and foreshadowing around MA and his role will help this hit home too.

P5 “Kill AA… if they both behave…” why do they both need to behave if they’re killing one of them?

P7 “you can really run with a word like ‘everything’” – this feels a little too easy. I wonder if you can hang a bit more of a lantern on this loophole before the shot is actually fired? Also, is A really just standing around waiting to be shot?

P10 “…keep you trapped inside this village forever.” “… you are going to be our leader.” So… more or less trapped in the village…?

P11 “I appreciate how much effort…” I’d really love more information about how this is all landing for N. There are snippets, but not much. Is this totally out of the blue for him? Has he ever considered it before? Is the idea at all appealing or completely off the mark? Etc.

“I don’t think W’s mom will make it that long.” Not sure about the urgency here, especially with the magic medications from MA.

Overall: Again, really not much to add that wasn’t in my LBLs. I think greater clarity and some more foreshadowing around MA and his role would be helpful in making some of this stuff hit home. Other than that, I think there are opportunities to punch up the reactions to various happenings – there’s a lot going on! – but the overall structure here works for me.

I'd also echo Mandamon's comments and suggestions - I don't have a good picture of where the village is, what the layout looks like or whether there are other people around. I think a quick sentence or two in passing will be plenty.