Reading Excuses - 01052023- Jamesbondsmith - Keeping Quiet - V

[jamesbondsmith]

Hi,

Submitting this one for some feedback. It’s only a short one, a bit over 1000 words. I just want to point out that it is a very rough draft and while the idea has been bouncing around my head for a while it was mostly written in one go after a couple of drinks.

I was thinking of submitting it to a competition in August, so I’ve got time and words to add (word count is 1000-2500). I’m not married to the title, just thought it up while renaming the file to submit here.

A little extra info: 

Spoiler

This one is set in the same universe as the novel opening I submitted a while ago, and was inspired by Kilgrave from the Jessica Jones tv series. More specifically, his claims of wanting to do good with his powers and how I thought someone with those abilities might actually go about life if they were trying to be as moral as he claims. The original title of the document was literally 'Kilgrave if he was legit about being good'.

 

Edited May 1, 2023 by jamesbondsmith
Added spoiler box

[Ace of Hearts]

Wow I thought I got here late but looks like I'm first!

Overall: Interesting concept with a lot of good details to set the atmosphere in a short amount of time. I was engaged the whole way through! Two major points: first, I think M’s condition can get tangled up in how it depicts disability. It’s scratching the surface of a complicated subculture and lived experience that the story doesn’t seem fully equipped to fully delve into, especially with his feelings of isolation. Second, and this is my comment with 95% of short stories I see, short stories need something really weird and distinct to stand out. What’s here is solid and that is worth quite a bit, but the way the pieces fit together is almost a little too neat and there’s not a ton to delve into after finishing.

As I go:

Pg 1. I like the variety of background details we get on the characters and setting but I think we’re missing a real hook. When a reader looks at this, what do you want to jump out at them as being distinct and engaging?

Pg 2. This feels like a continuation of the background given in page 1. With only four pages I think the story needs to establish how it’s moving here

Pg 3. M didn’t strike me as the type to attack the robbers head-on, and I think the earlier pages could paint him in a light that helps this make sense. Sure, he’s someone whose longing means he doesn’t have much to lose in the present, but that alone isn’t sufficient for me.

-The supernatural element is interesting here, though I can’t speak as to whether or not it holds up with respect to disability. Regardless, I think we need more hints that this is magic beforehand, ideally in the first paragraph/sentence.

[jamesbondsmith]

Thanks. I've got about 1500 words and a couple of months to work with, but I should be able to incorporate some of your feedback.

I hadn't considered the disability angle, but I was definitely going for the 'self-imposed isolation' angle.

Also just nitpicking but it's less supernatural/magic and more X-men style superpowers, if that might affect the way it comes across?

Edit: Actually I kind of had meant for the disability angle as a red herring, before it reveals his abilities, but I hadn't fully considered that it might be a touchy subject. I'll have to rejig that part in some way.

Edited May 7, 2023 by jamesbondsmith

[Mandamon]

I agree with @Ace of Hearts on this one. I was seeing a lot of overlap with disability in this one, and M basically saying he couldn't have a full life because he didn't speak. Pulling a bit more of the powers aspect in earlier, or at least hinting at it, will give us more tension and potentially avoid that touchy subject. That will also give you some words to add, helping to explain why he is how he is, without revealing everything.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "missed that part of his life, or what that part of it could have been like."
--Is this because he signs instead of speaks? Because that's not really an impediment to having a relationship...

pg 2: "It would be one thing if he physically couldn’t talk"
--I'd just be careful where you land on this story between implying that someone who doesn't speak can't have a full life, and whether M is just avoiding that part of life because he thinks he can't.

pg 4: ok, the payoff at the end made M's decisions make more sense, but I still don't see why he excludes himself from daily life. Does he think he can't control not speaking? If so, it would be good to add something about that near the beginning. Right now, I wasn't expecting any powers until they showed up, so hinting more at that will give us more tension.

[jamesbondsmith]

@MandamonThanks for your feedback.

I definitely didn't intend to imply the things you picked up on, but I'm glad that things were a little clearer once the reveal happened. Now I guess I need to straddle the line of foreshadowing/revealing too early. Any tips?

For context,

Spoiler

His abilities are such that any verbal communication can cause a mental compulsion and he's terrified of causing one. To bring it back to the inspiration, Kilgrave/Purple Man can force an entire restaurant to stop breathing, and I wanted to explore what would happen if someone had those abilities and wanted to be a 'good person'. On another note, this is just one character in my works in progress who is kind of running with the idea of another fictional villain who is justified in doing what he does, and I'm concerned about the copyright issues that might come with it.

Edit: I wanted to apologize for anyone I may have upset with the stuff the others had picked up on.

Edited May 10, 2023 by jamesbondsmith

[Mandamon]

4 hours ago, jamesbondsmith said:

@MandamonThanks for your feedback.

I definitely didn't intend to imply the things you picked up on, but I'm glad that things were a little clearer once the reveal happened. Now I guess I need to straddle the line of foreshadowing/revealing too early. Any tips?

For context,

  Reveal hidden contents

His abilities are such that any verbal communication can cause a mental compulsion and he's terrified of causing one. To bring it back to the inspiration, Kilgrave/Purple Man can force an entire restaurant to stop breathing, and I wanted to explore what would happen if someone had those abilities and wanted to be a 'good person'. On another note, this is just one character in my works in progress who is kind of running with the idea of another fictional villain who is justified in doing what he does, and I'm concerned about the copyright issues that might come with it.

Edit: I wanted to apologize for anyone I may have upset with the stuff the others had picked up on.

I'd say if you want to look at using this character, there's plenty of space to without drawing too much conflict with people with disabilities. I'd look to how Black Bolt is portrayed in Marvel for one. He has a powerful voice and can't speak or he'll kill people. So he's another one who much choose whether to speak or not.

[Silk]

On 5/1/2023 at 9:00 AM, jamesbondsmith said:

Hi,

Submitting this one for some feedback. It’s only a short one, a bit over 1000 words. I just want to point out that it is a very rough draft and while the idea has been bouncing around my head for a while it was mostly written in one go after a couple of drinks.

I was thinking of submitting it to a competition in August, so I’ve got time and words to add (word count is 1000-2500). I’m not married to the title, just thought it up while renaming the file to submit here.

A little extra info: 

  Reveal hidden contents

This one is set in the same universe as the novel opening I submitted a while ago, and was inspired by Kilgrave from the Jessica Jones tv series. More specifically, his claims of wanting to do good with his powers and how I thought someone with those abilities might actually go about life if they were trying to be as moral as he claims. The original title of the document was literally 'Kilgrave if he was legit about being good'.

 

Sorry I'm getting to this late! looks like it may still be in time to be helpful. 

P1 I’m a little confused by the narrator’s situation, since he says he lost “the will” for his mouth to form words – but he still signs – and a lot of the narration seems to suggest he wants to/misses the ability to speak rather than choosing not to.

P3 Did the robbers not notice him walking into the station? Also, when did the cashier actually get stabbed?

When he shouts “stop” at the robbers and it becomes clear he has some sort of powers is the first time I’m really on board with the character. Up until now it’s mostly felt like he’s been causing his own problems by choosing not to speak.

”The blood on the shelf behind her told M what had happened” still unclear on this myself. Did she get stabbed? Also I’m guessing they’re all dead?

Overall: I think I’ve already covered my major pieces of feedback so far – I was confused as to what the narrator’s was, and I wasn’t especially sympathetic to him, until we discovered the powers thing. Beyond that – I wasn’t sure whether this was the end of the story or just the end of the scene. If the story continues, obviously it would have to move pretty quickly to keep within your allotted word count. That being said, what I’ve read so far read much more like an inciting incident than the arc of a complete story. If the actual end of the arc is him failing to keep his mouth shut and facing the consequences, I think that needs to be foreshadowed in advance.

I also wanted to echo Ace and Mandamon’s comments about disability – there is a lot of overlap and I’d agree that the story doesn’t seem equipped to go into that given your setup and target length. I agree that foreshadowing his powers before they are explicitly revealed might be a good way around this (and might have other benefits).

In case you're still looking for tips I think you have room to be a little more specific if you want, still without revealing exactly what’s up! The following might sound a little prescriptive, but just as some examples--take as much or as little of this as you want, I'm just using these as a point--he might drop some hints in relation to the “unfortunate incident” or think about something in particular he wants to avoid, reference thinking through the things he does say really carefully, and so forth. Or, is the fact that his power works when he speaks but not when he signs might be an early opportunity to drop a hint.