4/17/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 10, 3107 words

[Ace of Hearts]

Hi everyone!

 

Thanks to everyone who gave feedback last week! Looks like based on that feedback that this section not having N physically be here can work but there's still a bit more work that needs to be done. My current approach is to try to convey that W is getting closer to N and developing their relationship indirectly by connecting to others, and I'm curious if that lands.

 

Thanks!

 

[Silk]

Hi! 

So, this critique may feel more like me thinking out loud than usual. Sorry about that - I am having trouble articulating some of my thoughts, but hopefully there's something in here that is useful. 

3 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

My current approach is to try to convey that W is getting closer to N and developing their relationship indirectly by connecting to others, and I'm curious if that lands.

I'm not quite sure this chapter gets me there, at least not yet. It feels like maybe this happened too easily or that the scene is missing a beat. Some of that might be down to needing a bit more specific setup, a bit more on that in my LBLs below. But right now it feels a little like we resolved a try/fail cycle without the actual failure. 

I'm also wondering if the "bringing W closer to N" thing is too much of a focal point in this chapter. Which is, admittedly, a weird thing to say for a romance. But whether or not N and W are getting closer, or whether they both want a relationship, is not really in question - it's been made pretty clear that they both do. The things that are keeping them apart, at least from this reader's perspective, are whether N can escape his fey relatives, his feelings about his village/existence/whatever putting W in danger, and W's own feelings about needing to improve parts of herself that didn't serve her well in her last relationship. Since this chapter is about the last of those three, I wonder what would happen if you reframed it to be specifically about W, rather than N becoming some sort of almost-mystical guiding force for her. 

LBLs are short this time, but here we go: 

“…he saw the worst parts of me while we were together.” Yeah, I do think this needs a little more setup. We actually don’t get a whole lot of specifics on W and A’s relationship, and I think if this is something W wants to work on, we should know what specifically she’s trying to improve.

“I can message G to keep me updated.” It does feel weird that this is the first solution W gravitates to, like she’s not all that concerned about trying to keep her cousin from doing something stupid. I wonder, what if you flipped these two things, so W tries and fails to get ahold of G and then moves on to problems she actually can solve?

P2 “…blowing up at him for small annoyances.” Ooh, yeah, so this is telling me what I want to know, but I’d love to see it explored a little more. Right now we’re getting a summary but not seeing the dynamic in action. This doesn’t have to mean flashbacks – it could be W saying something or stopping herself from saying something and A reacting to it, that sort of thing.

P4 “Babysitting is exhausting.” LOL.

P7/8 I love that W is pushing A to talk to her mom, but why is being so cagey about it? I feel like “my mom is ace, maybe you are too, have a chat about it and see if it resonates” would be way more straightforward…

[Ace of Hearts]

On 4/17/2023 at 3:50 PM, Silk said:

Since this chapter is about the last of those three, I wonder what would happen if you reframed it to be specifically about W, rather than N becoming some sort of almost-mystical guiding force for her. 

I like this idea! Makes sense that me being worried about N not being in here led to the story trying too hard to make him relevant here.

[Mandamon]

Similar thoughts to @Silk on this one. I think this section can still work, but it's got it's own little mini-arc that isn't really tied to the rest of the book. Having some sort of crossover, even behind the scenes (like N understands these relationships need to happen before he and W can be happy, or something like that) will help connect this to the main plot more. Right now it reads as little like W's catching up on tasks while waiting for N to get back. A is there, so she's fixing him first, and then will (I assume) move on to H.

On 4/17/2023 at 3:50 PM, Silk said:

P7/8 I love that W is pushing A to talk to her mom, but why is being so cagey about it? I feel like “my mom is ace, maybe you are too, have a chat about it and see if it resonates” would be way more straightforward…

Agree with this. Why is is such a secret?

 

Notes while reading:

pg 4: This is an interesting development with A, but it's definitely not the main theme of the book. It's a good character building section, but I worry that it's slowing things down a bit.

pg 5: still not a lot going on that isn't just character building through here. Can there be something else to progress the plot as well?

pg 7: Some good character realizations again. This whole section has good progression, but only on A and W, which I wasn't really thinking as the main theme of the story.

pg 11: "Once this is over, the three of us can be the friend group"
--I think this gives a good motive to everything that's going on in this chapter. Like I said above, it's good character development, but if it could be also tied into the rest of the book, or make W's directive to help the others more pressing (maybe even related to the magic in some way?) then it gives more of a reason for it.