The cheeseman's creative corner.

[The cheeseman]

Good afternoon!

For my hundredth (or, rather, my one-hundred-second) post, I am going to post the first two chapters of my book.

I will refrain from trying to write a synopsis as I am quite bad at that sort of thing. It is in PDF form, so you should be able to open it in Google Docs or any other PDF reader. Enjoy!

Spoiler

Bloodlines

Prologue: To Rule

Part One

Part Two

Chapter One: Beginnings

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Chapter Two: Machinations

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

And there you have it! Please, let me know what you think!

Mar sin leat! (goodbye!)

Edited July 16, 2023 by The cheeseman
Added the next scene.

[The cheeseman]

Since it's a little hard to read nine different PDFs, here's the whole thing (so far) as a Google Doc. It will be updated as I write more scenes and chapters, with a word count goal of 250k.

Bloodlines - A novel.

Anyone who accesses it through the link will automatically be set as a viewer for the document, as I don't want it to get clogged with comments. If you have any questions, suggestions, comments, or critiques, feel free to post them here!

Edited April 30, 2023 by cheeseman
grammar

[Veledsier]

Oh My GOSH!!!!!!!!!!! This is awesome! Do you write for a living?

 

[The cheeseman]

Just now, Veledsier said:

Oh My GOSH!!!!!!!!!!! This is awesome!

Thank you!!

1 minute ago, Veledsier said:

Do you write for a living?

I do not.

What makes you ask?

[Veledsier]

Because I would buy all your books!!!!!!!!!

You're really good!

[The cheeseman]

Thanks so much! I hope to publish one day, but my book is far from complete and I have a lot of other stuff going on in life. My writing group has told me that "this is publishable" but I kinda shrugged it off as them being nice. Now I see they were being sincere. It really means a lot for complete strangers on the internet to tell me they would buy my not finished, not published book.

8 minutes ago, Veledsier said:

This is awesome!

What do you enjoy about it?

[Veledsier]

So you know that little thing at the bottom of each post you make, how do you add that to your profile?

Sorry, I know it sounds dumb...

[Veledsier]

It described everything so well! It made me feel completely engaged in your world! All the names and story I can see now are awesome! Good job!

 

Ima writer too. Well, I like to write... I could use feedback from a great author like you, though! 

[The cheeseman]

3 minutes ago, Veledsier said:

So you know that little thing at the bottom of each post you make, how do you add that to your profile?

If you're on a computer, what you're gonna do is click on your username where it has the little white arrow and go to Account Settings. In that tab, there is a section labeled Signature. You can fill that with information you want other Sharders to see/know.

1 minute ago, Veledsier said:

It described everything so well! It made me feel completely engaged in your world! All the names and story I can see now are awesome! Good job!

 

Ima writer too. Well, I like to write... I could use feedback from a great author like you, though! 

I have to go to work now, but I'd be happy to take a look at your manuscript when I have the chance.

[Veledsier]

Thanks! That means a lot! It's a short story! 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iDcNZu3YkNmVZdg01mlrUgRwaMQa0EKVtOMBLYokdsA/edit?usp=sharing

Here's the link!

[Veledsier]

have you looked at it? no rush, btw...

[The cheeseman]

15,697, to be exact.

Chapter three will be up hopefully within two weeks.

Edited April 28, 2023 by cheeseman

[Lord Gregorio]

Holy crap! You're wanting to get to 250,000 words! That's massive!

[The cheeseman]

16 hours ago, Lord Gregorio said:

That's massive!

I know. The reason for that is because I am fairly certain I can wrap up the first book (planning to do four for the first arc of the story) in that amount of words, and because it allows for a smaller book. I am confident that I could write a 400k+ monstrosity like Sanderson, but Stormlight books, unless you are accustomed to reading massive tomes, are very daunting to see on a shelf. That brings me to the second reason: approachability. A book of 250,000 words would be about 500 pages, much like Joe Abercrombie's books in The First Law trilogy, none of which exceed 300,000. I want my book to be short enough that people who aren't used to enormous books are comfortable picking it up, and long enough to catch the eyes of people more used to Wheel of Time or Stormlight-sized books. However, my absolute ceiling for this first book is 300,000 words. If, by some ridiculous chance, I breach that 300,000 words ceiling, I will continue writing until I have a satisfactory ending. Then I will split it into two books.

On another note, did you enjoy reading it? Is there anything you think I could do better?

[Lord Gregorio]

On 4/30/2023 at 11:49 AM, cheeseman said:

I know. The reason for that is because I am fairly certain I can wrap up the first book (planning to do four for the first arc of the story) in that amount of words, and because it allows for a smaller book. I am confident that I could write a 400k+ monstrosity like Sanderson, but Stormlight books, unless you are accustomed to reading massive tomes, are very daunting to see on a shelf. That brings me to the second reason: approachability. A book of 250,000 words would be about 500 pages, much like Joe Abercrombie's books in The First Law trilogy, none of which exceed 300,000. I want my book to be short enough that people who aren't used to enormous books are comfortable picking it up, and long enough to catch the eyes of people more used to Wheel of Time or Stormlight-sized books. However, my absolute ceiling for this first book is 300,000 words. If, by some ridiculous chance, I breach that 300,000 words ceiling, I will continue writing until I have a satisfactory ending. Then I will split it into two books.

On another note, did you enjoy reading it? Is there anything you think I could do better?

So far it seems pretty good; the biggest recommendation as of now is to just keep going. Coming back for an edit is a must anyway so the first draft will suck no matter what. Don't stress too much about that.

I'll give some minor pointers (don't take them too seriously. This is coming from someone as experienced or less so than yourself. ) Also understand I might list some things that might be not errors at all, but completely planned on your part. I'll just see what I think.

Some minor wording edits to give you an idea of my thoughts for when you go back for the second draft
In spoilers because it contains stuff from the book (read cheesman's first draft before you look in the spoilers. It's good stuff)

Spoiler

 

Spoiler

 

- "The rings of color on his uniform were red that represented the blood of soldiers."

I think this might sound better as something like 'The rings of color on his uniform represented the blood of soldiers.' or 'The rings on his uniform shone like the blood of soldiers'. 

1. (Normally it's a good idea to leave 'that' out of your writing, so when you do the second draft I'd use the search option to look for 'that' and see if it's really needed. Sometimes it is.)

2. Pay attention to when you use words like 'nearly' or 'down' and 'up'.

- Of course there are times you'll need to use these words, but things like "He looked down at the ground" don't need to be said. The reader can infer they're looking down, unless gravity shifted because of magic or something.

- Another example is when Marstys "barked a short laugh". The reader can infer it was short because barking isn't like a howl. Howling laughter is long, barking is short.

(I liked the quote "Truth brings tears, tears bring healing" btw)

3. Speaking of quotes, Make sure to go back and read the inspirational quotes/dialogue specifically, just to make them sound cooler  Your's seemed pretty decent but for the second draft it'd be good to do.

4. Here's some of those specific edits I was saying, maybe you have something planned which I don't know of.

When Marstys sees the vision thingy I would maybe not say that he had his father's blood on his hands, maybe come back to that later. Just say he has innocent blood on his hands or something.

 

It took me a couple minutes of trying to read to get pulled into the story. It starts really getting good around when Marstys is getting help from a nurse. I just thought the prologue was a little dull for the beginning of a book (definitely not horrible for the first draft).

I'm going to try to help you be prepared for your second draft. Look up Jerry Jenkins. Maybe sign up for his emails and watch his youtube videos. He's got some good stuff if you pick through all the self-advertising. Also. Here's a quick link to a help doc. It might work.

https://jerryjenkins.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/The-Ultimate-Self-Editing-Checklist-by-Jerry-Jenkins.pdf?inf_contact_key=f8b44583f072723ef318f4f850611d856bcc35822fbfda6fe6081764d04a6051

Some other helps you may or may not know of:

- Sanderson (obviously)

- Daniel Greene

- Tale Foundry (Lots of world building and stuff)

- Shadiversity (Medieval stuff if you want some more realism)

- Hello Future Me

 

This is all I have for now. I really liked the bit you had and hope you'll be able to publish it. Don't give up. I want to buy it when you publish!! 

Sorry this turned out so darn long. Lol.

Edit: I just finished reading what you've got on the google doc, and I finalize my thoughts.

I thought it got really good toward the end. I thought it was a bit of a copy of Stormlight Archive at first, but it is not. It's hard not to see similarities, but that's probably because I've listened to around 400 hours of Stormlight . It's so good though. I like how you don't have to use swear words every tenth word to make people sound angry and stuff. Good work cheeseman.

Edited May 3, 2023 by Lord Gregorio

[The cheeseman]

On 5/2/2023 at 10:53 PM, Lord Gregorio said:

So far it seems pretty good; the biggest recommendation as of now is to just keep going. Coming back for an edit is a must anyway so the first draft will suck no matter what. Don't stress too much about that.

I'll give some minor pointers (don't take them too seriously. This is coming from someone as experienced or less so than yourself. ) Also understand I might list some things that might be not errors at all, but completely planned on your part. I'll just see what I think.

Some minor wording edits to give you an idea of my thoughts for when you go back for the second draft
In spoilers because it contains stuff from the book (read cheesman's first draft before you look in the spoilers. It's good stuff)

  Reveal hidden contents

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

- "The rings of color on his uniform were red that represented the blood of soldiers."

I think this might sound better as something like 'The rings of color on his uniform represented the blood of soldiers.' or 'The rings on his uniform shone like the blood of soldiers'. 

1. (Normally it's a good idea to leave 'that' out of your writing, so when you do the second draft I'd use the search option to look for 'that' and see if it's really needed. Sometimes it is.)

2. Pay attention to when you use words like 'nearly' or 'down' and 'up'.

- Of course there are times you'll need to use these words, but things like "He looked down at the ground" don't need to be said. The reader can infer they're looking down, unless gravity shifted because of magic or something.

- Another example is when Marstys "barked a short laugh". The reader can infer it was short because barking isn't like a howl. Howling laughter is long, barking is short.

(I liked the quote "Truth brings tears, tears bring healing" btw)

3. Speaking of quotes, Make sure to go back and read the inspirational quotes/dialogue specifically, just to make them sound cooler  Your's seemed pretty decent but for the second draft it'd be good to do.

4. Here's some of those specific edits I was saying, maybe you have something planned which I don't know of.

When Marstys sees the vision thingy I would maybe not say that he had his father's blood on his hands, maybe come back to that later. Just say he has innocent blood on his hands or something.

 

It took me a couple minutes of trying to read to get pulled into the story. It starts really getting good around when Marstys is getting help from a nurse. I just thought the prologue was a little dull for the beginning of a book (definitely not horrible for the first draft).

I'm going to try to help you be prepared for your second draft. Look up Jerry Jenkins. Maybe sign up for his emails and watch his youtube videos. He's got some good stuff if you pick through all the self-advertising. Also. Here's a quick link to a help doc. It might work.

https://jerryjenkins.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/The-Ultimate-Self-Editing-Checklist-by-Jerry-Jenkins.pdf?inf_contact_key=f8b44583f072723ef318f4f850611d856bcc35822fbfda6fe6081764d04a6051

Some other helps you may or may not know of:

- Sanderson (obviously)

- Daniel Greene

- Tale Foundry (Lots of world building and stuff)

- Shadiversity (Medieval stuff if you want some more realism)

- Hello Future Me

 

This is all I have for now. I really liked the bit you had and hope you'll be able to publish it. Don't give up. I want to buy it when you publish!! 

Sorry this turned out so darn long. Lol.

Edit: I just finished reading what you've got on the google doc, and I finalize my thoughts.

I thought it got really good toward the end. I thought it was a bit of a copy of Stormlight Archive at first, but it is not. It's hard not to see similarities, but that's probably because I've listened to around 400 hours of Stormlight . It's so good though. I like how you don't have to use swear words every tenth word to make people sound angry and stuff. Good work cheeseman.

Thanks for the tips!

You are right to assume that some things are purposeful.

The similarities to Stormlight probably standout so much because I wrote a lot of it in the past couple months while I was rereading SA. I don't use real swear words because I don't think it makes much sense to use them in a world that is not ours. Also because to do so would be heavily frowned upon by my writing group.

On another note, one of the main reasons I write is because it allows me to explore the human experience. When I write, I have a certain thing that humans do/experience that I want to mirror and show in my book. With this one, and the whole Bloodstained Throne series as a whole, my main goal in relation to that and to my characters is to explore the effects of war on the human psyche. I am exploring the reasons people make war, what their views on war are, and how it effects their physical, mental, and emotional condition. That's one of the reasons I love the Stormlight Archive so much; it so realistically shows what happens to people under the stress of war.
War is one of the most traumatic things a human can experience, and so much of writing is putting people, your characters, through extremely stressful situations. There is so much that goes with war; stress, trauma, exhaustion, mental numbness, it is a list that goes on and on and on. I want to show that. I want people to read my books and know, as Robert Jordan wrote in The Wheel of Time, 'There's no glory in battle. But there is honor.' War is terror. War is hell. War is a nightmare. But war can also be a path: a path to freedom, a path to justice, or a path to vengeance.

There's my weekly rant about writing. Thank u for coming to my TED talk.

Edit: I will eventually be posting a map, once I finish drawing and labeling it. So stay tuned for that, hoomans.

Edited May 4, 2023 by The cheeseman
MAPS

[The cheeseman]

Chapter three has been added to the doc! It's the longest so far and I'm super happy with it. Hope you enjoy!

Secret summons:

Spoiler

@Lord Gregorio @Veledsier @TheAlpha929

Totally not trying to confuse readers

[Lord Gregorio]

On 5/12/2023 at 8:09 PM, The cheeseman said:

Chapter three has been added to the doc! It's the longest so far and I'm super happy with it. Hope you enjoy!

Secret summons:

  Reveal hidden contents

@Lord Gregorio @Veledsier @TheAlpha929

Totally not trying to confuse readers

I read it. It was enjoyable. 

[The cheeseman]

Here is the first of what will probably be a lot of maps. The scale is 1/2inch = 50 miles.

Spoiler

 

[The cheeseman]

This is no longer for just my book, it's also for pretty much anything I do that's remotely related to writing in general.

Edited July 20, 2023 by The cheeseman

[The cheeseman]

Buckle in, because this is gonna be quite the long and meandering post.

Last month, there were a lot of questions from my writing group about how the magic system in my books works.  So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and workshopping how exactly somebody can throw a fireball or turn into a wolf.

__________

Part one: power.

Where does the magical energy come from, and how do humanoids manipulate it? The answer requires a basic understanding of the theology/metaphysics of Natris. (The planet my book is set on)

Any and all forms of magic originate from the Veil, a barrier that separates the observable universe (reality) from Abdonya and Encore (hell and heaven). The Veil can best be described as the power of creation and change. Power is drawn through the Veil via access to a khar, a spirit. There are several main types, along with an enormous number of subtypes that I don't have the time to list. Firstly, there are divine khar, which are less powerful and more varied versions of the seven gods; the Lord of Day, the Lady of Night, the Lord of Storms, the Lady of Flames, the Mother Below, the Father Above, and Leviathan. Secondly, there are demons. Demons all have unique names and temperaments, whereas a divine khar will only have a name if it is a direct creation of one of the gods. Lastly, there are the khar of dead animals. These are much more common however, they yield much less power to the user.

These three main types connect to the Veil in two different ways: demons and divine khar have an inherent connection due to their supernatural nature, and the khar of animals can only connect to the Veil once said animal has died. Even then, they are not fully connected to the Veil. An animal must be bonded to a person in order to completely merge with the Veil. Otherwise, you have the small chance of being able to see the apparition of said animal near the place that it died.

But how, you may be asking, does somebody use the magic? And what happens when they use it?

Well, I will answer that question with the last part of this post. A human - or other intelligent species - can touch the Veil and use magic if, and only if, they are bonded to a khar in a similar way to the spren bond in Stormlight. Except without the oaths, armor, and blade. What kind of magic they use is dependent on what kind of spirit they are bonded to.

For example, if someone were bonded to a divine khar, they would be able to manipulate things that that khar is relevant to, such as fire, the sun, shadows, storms, the sea, time, or flora. Someone bonded to a nature khar, however, would do much different things. Take a wolf, as an example. A person bonded to a wolf would take on wolf-like behaviors and features, to a certain extent. Their senses of smell, hearing, and sight would be enhanced to those of a wolf, their hair would go from it's natural color to gray and their eyes would take on a yellow-golden hue. A person would also take on some of the behaviors of a wolf, such as becoming far better at working with, shall I say, a pack. These changes - save for being able to transform into a wolf - are, also, genetic, and therefore are passed down. Genetic changes and traits such as these are the reason certain great houses and clans are associated with certains animals.

There are built-in limits to the magic system, but that - and what being bonded to a divine khar or a demon entails - is for another post.

Edited August 14, 2023 by The cheeseman
this is almost certainly my longest post ever.

[The cheeseman]

I need some writing prompts.

What kind?

Any kind. And as dark as you can make them. I want to work on writing insanity.

[Edema Rue]

OKAY

Some of these I’ve given like three people and no one ever does them but I think they’re cool:

1. A telepath is reading a broken mind, focus on describing the landscape of a mind that no longer functions.

2. A character who’s mind automatically destroys memories of everything that could cause them pain.

3. The saddest scene you can write between two characters, but this is the first time they’ve ever met.

4. A dead soul looking back on a childhood memory and wishing to be back.

5. A scene with two characters, one trying to give bad news and the other refusing to accept it.

[The cheeseman]

On 9/29/2023 at 4:04 PM, Edema Rue said:

1. A telepath is reading a broken mind, focus on describing the landscape of a mind that no longer functions.

Spoiler

Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... the subject repeated the number in his head over and over again, hardly allowing Thorol to read anything else. Cursing, Thorol shifted his hands to the subject's scalp, over a different part of his brain. Here, Thorol heard different thoughts, random tidbits of nonsense that flitted around like Ashes. Not my fault, not mine, I swear... It was that other one, that Belran man... Jaycen didn't have a sword, he had a mace, didn't he...? Where, where, where! It has to be in my hands, hands, hands. Fingers? No, hands.... Twos and threes, and bees' knees that touch the trees... It's gone away now, all gone, like the wind on a cloudy day... The subject giggled and jerked away from Thorol's fingers. Giggling turned into sobbing as the broken man collapsed onto the stone floor.

"Madness, folly, silly me!" he mumbled, fumbling for a dagger that wasn't there. Upon finding that the dagger had been taken, the subject devolved into screaming wails.

Thorol sat back, and waited.

After around half a minute, the man abruptly stopped and sat calmly back down on the stool. "Fingers in the mind, touching, peeling, seeking. Never finding, always knowing..." the insane rambling trailed off into quiet giggling as Thorol stood to continue his search.

He placed his fingers on the subject's temples and felt around his head for the best spot to read his mind. Projecting himself once more into the subject, he searched the man's mind once more for a hint of Belran's location. This mind was a jumble of nonsense, insane ramblings, and a skewed, shattered view of the world. It bore no resemblance to a healthy mind, not in the slightest. Where a healthy mind had paths through memories, thoughts, and sensations that tracked from one to the other, a broken mind had paths that ended abruptly, connected where they made no sense, and began in places where they shouldn't be. It was like trying to navigate a city that was full of dead end streets that never led back the way you had come. Thorol would follow one path of thought, hit a dead end, and turn around to be in a completely different place than he should be.

It seemed almost pointless, sifting through the madness and deep, deep sorrow in order to find even a hint of where Belran had gone. But Thorol had to find him, otherwise the subject's sacrifice--and the sacrifice of the hundreds of others of newly-made madmen--would have been in vain.

Here's the first one. I'll get to some of the others as I can. I'm also doing Inktober in a very different way than everyone else, so getting those ready will take up my time as well. I'm excited to share them, though!

[Edema Rue]

11 minutes ago, The cheeseman said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... the subject repeated the number in his head over and over again, hardly allowing Thorol to read anything else. Cursing, Thorol shifted his hands to the subject's scalp, over a different part of his brain. Here, Thorol heard different thoughts, random tidbits of nonsense that flitted around like Ashes. Not my fault, not mine, I swear... It was that other one, that Belran man... Jaycen didn't have a sword, he had a mace, didn't he...? Where, where, where! It has to be in my hands, hands, hands. Fingers? No, hands.... Twos and threes, and bees' knees that touch the trees... It's gone away now, all gone, like the wind on a cloudy day... The subject giggled and jerked away from Thorol's fingers. Giggling turned into sobbing as the broken man collapsed onto the stone floor.

"Madness, folly, silly me!" he mumbled, fumbling for a dagger that wasn't there. Upon finding that the dagger had been taken, the subject devolved into screaming wails.

Thorol sat back, and waited.

After around half a minute, the man abruptly stopped and sat calmly back down on the stool. "Fingers in the mind, touching, peeling, seeking. Never finding, always knowing..." the insane rambling trailed off into quiet giggling as Thorol stood to continue his search.

He placed his fingers on the subject's temples and felt around his head for the best spot to read his mind. Projecting himself once more into the subject, he searched the man's mind once more for a hint of Belran's location. This mind was a jumble of nonsense, insane ramblings, and a skewed, shattered view of the world. It bore no resemblance to a healthy mind, not in the slightest. Where a healthy mind had paths through memories, thoughts, and sensations that tracked from one to the other, a broken mind had paths that ended abruptly, connected where they made no sense, and began in places where they shouldn't be. It was like trying to navigate a city that was full of dead end streets that never led back the way you had come. Thorol would follow one path of thought, hit a dead end, and turn around to be in a completely different place than he should be.

It seemed almost pointless, sifting through the madness and deep, deep sorrow in order to find even a hint of where Belran had gone. But Thorol had to find him, otherwise the subject's sacrifice--and the sacrifice of the hundreds of others of newly-made madmen--would have been in vain.

Here's the first one. I'll get to some of the others as I can. I'm also doing Inktober in a very different way than everyone else, so getting those ready will take up my time as well. I'm excited to share them, though!

Oooh, that was awesome, thanks for sharing!! And for using my prompt hehe.