02/27/2023 - Kais - MM - Chapter 3 (L) - 2993 words

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

Still just a rough draft so feel free to tear apart as you will.

[Yuliya Gyorn]

Interesting read, as always! I don’t have many comments, but here are a few:

-       I liked how the visit to the warehouse was handled. At first, it seems like a useless waste of time, but when D explains she had actually learned everything she wanted from it, I had the “oh, this is cool and D is cool moment” - It let me see her skill as a PI.

-       I have a lot of fun reading the entries from the catalogs – the company does put effort into advertising, haha.

-       The old man at the desk seemed almost cartoonishly weird, but it did not put me off. I want to see him again and find out how deep that pretense goes.

-       The promise of P’s involvement does not work very well for me. She is constantly being forced on D in the middle of conversations, which doesn’t feel very natural, I think.

-       I also felt the change in Y’s attitude towards the fire was a bit sudden. In the beginning, she is almost ready to brandish weapons at D for mentioning it, while a page later she jokes and sting her tongue out like it’s no big deal.

-       It is also good to know that Y is officially part of the team now.

Thanks for the sub! Looking forward to more!

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

Overall: The part where D puts everything together about the warehouse engaged me, but the rest of the chapter didn’t really do it. I’m back to being very not amused by Y to the point that it hampers my engagement with the chapter as a whole, especially her burning down her workplace for seemingly no reason? Aside from that, I don’t feel like most of the chapter helps me understand the story any better. D puts some key facts together based on just a few details, so we don’t need to spend several pages getting those details. I believe last chapter you mentioned that this is second half of chapter 2, which I think gives you even more room to cut if this doesn’t need to stand on its own as a chapter.  

Oh, and while I’m guessing this is clear, I’ll say the reason I’m more direct/harsh in criticism here compared to some subs of newer members is that I know you’re experienced enough not to get discouraged by it.

As I go:

Pg 1. Not sure why they’re talking about gas. I get the feeling this is hinting at something, but I need more on what

Pg 2. Huh Y (maybe) burning down a Jiffy Lube gives me a bit of tonal whiplash. I like the serious moments in other chapters but this feels more out of place to me

Pg 3. Now I’m stuck on “Why is D putting up with Y” again, especially if she thinks Y is an out of control arsonist

Pg 4-6. I’m more engaged here but I think this can be trimmed a bit.

Pg 10. Not sure I buy that solving this is going to set D up for life

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

12 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Oh, and while I’m guessing this is clear, I’ll say the reason I’m more direct/harsh in criticism here compared to some subs of newer members is that I know you’re experienced enough not to get discouraged by it.

LOL I don't consider this harsh at all. Bring it on. This is what I'm here for. This is still draft 0 so it's bound to be...messy at best.

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Once again, not a ton of general notes on this one. I agree with the others that Y was a little confusing in going from very angry to joking again in like two minutes, and was genuinely annoying at times with her interruptions. Other than that, good setup for the rest of the story!

P1

“and there weren’t people clamoring” Well, she could just refuse to take on the cases or be involved with the dildos at all

P2

So Y is currently on the lam? That is interesting, but like also, if I were D I would be a lot angrier with her for involving me. Accident or no, just straight up leaving is very suspicious

P3

“sledgehammer of tension” sledgehammer strikes me as an arbitrary word here.

P5

“After this lets get a pizza” this is kinda whiplash for me since she was just sulking but here immediately goes back to jokes

P8

“this guy is woah” I like to think of myself as knowledgeable in slang, but I have no idea what this is supposed to mean lol

P10

“if there are no pigeons” lol

"settelement" blackmail money seems more likely imo

I thought that having a job that relies specifically on wooden didlos was kind of a stretch, but I’m actually pleased to see that there is a reason for it, apparently, in the localized evil factory