Reading Excuses- Cathy Lim- The Traveler's Magic- sub 4, Chapter's 5 & 6- 4140 words

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

Hello Everyone!

 

I started to realize that if I submit one chapter at a time I will be torturing you all with my manuscript for a very long time, so- here’s two chapters!

Just wanted to say that this is pretty much a rough draft and for some things I was pretty much just throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick, so let me know if it doesn’t stick for you! Ha ha!

Content warning for some mild sexual harassment. There’s also a thing going on in this book with pest control problems in the Library so there’s a mouse running amok if that bother’s you.

Oh yeah- and I’m aware there’s probably too much screaming going on around the mouse. I intend to fix that.

As always, thank so much!

Cathy

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

Coming in completely cold here, so keep that in mind when I inevitably get confused

Overall

A very engaging first chapter, though it did make me wonder if I had missed much as I felt like I got the feel for the book all within that chapter. I'm assuming it must have been a new POV. The second chapter didn't appear to have an arc at all, and read more like the first half to a longer chapter. The singing part could be well cut down and then the kidnapping/fight at the end could happen and resolve, so we see what the purpose was for all the singing and fighting. I did love the atmosphere of this chapter a lot.

As I go

- pg 1: piles to slide <-- bro that's a one way ticket to getting punched. 

- later on page one: punch him punch him punch him

- pg 2: He gave her a pouty look. <-- this would have killed the predator vibe for me. I'm surprised she doesn't gain some control of the situation here

- so it hit him in the leg <-- there wasn't a slightly higher drawer to open?

- pg 3: Is this a new POV for the book? This chapter is reading like an opening chapter to a book. It has all the fundamental elements and I don't feel like I'm missing anything, despite this being chapter 5

- pg 5: can it be an eeeeevil mouse? Otherwise this is a whole lot of concentrated phobia. This is a magical world, right? Why not someone finding a dry rot in some ancient texts that's spreading and if you remove the book it releases the spores and all the other books will get infected? Then I think we'd get a lot of librarian screams

- pg 7: I am unclear why there is such upsetness over a mouse and her babies

- pg 7: There was something very wrong here, and she was going to get to the bottom of it. <-- ?? I'm wondering if the purpose of the mouse was to show a protection spell weakening? And that's what leads our MC to this statement? If so I think there needs to be more concern not over the mouse, but over the spell degradation. It needs to be clear what the mouse means, not that there's a mouse in general. That would make all the reactions make more sense

- pg 13: the singing scene is getting a bit long in the tooth. How is the plot moving here?

- the end of this chapter is really abrupt

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

This chapters were very cozy! There was some good characterization and I liked the scene with the singing. That being said, I'm not really sure why the mouse was so disrupting, or what was up with the attackers at the end. They did seem to just come out of nowhere, when the night didn't seem to be going bad or in a rough part of town. It also felt like there could be a little more connectivity with the previous chapters, since I can see what kais means by this seeming like a first chapter. 

I'm interested to see what happens with the attackers. They are very bold to attack such a large group, even if most of them are kids. Especially a group with multiple magic users! I expect the attackers are either also magical, or will be beaten sorely. 

 

P1

Hah, yeah this guy is very rude

“I have this record” This is dialogue so it gets a pass on bad grammar, but I think it might read better if you remove “hand writing”

“You are so…” Yikes

P2

“look into references of other magics” I think this should have a question mark

P4

I’m a little surprised by this point that she hasn’t thought about the attempt on her life at all. It seemed like it would have been a traumatic event, but she so far hasn’t thought about it or the secret society that’s apparently out to get her at all

“causing her to jumped back” to jump back, probably

P6

I do think its amusing that a single mouse is causing all this commotion

Okay, that’s a perfectly horrible pun lol. But also, it does seem a little out of nowhere since they’re still in the heat of the moment

So it seems like its such a big deal because the magic that keeps mice out is wearing off? I think that can be played up even more, personally

 

Ch6

P8

“for all the world like a rouge” I think should be rogue?

 

P10

I was under the impression that they were too young to drink, like teenagers. I guess that could be old enough in this setting since it is old-fashioned, but this changes my mental picture of their ages

Oh, haha I wasn’t expecting a gay bar

P12

“guy on the drum” the word “guy” seems a little modern

The attack is an interesting twist! It doesn’t seem like a good idea to attack an entire group of people at the same time, though. Lots of witnesses. They must be very confident, which means they are probably from that evil secret society from before.

[Yuliya Gyorn]

As I go:

P.1. “hand writing” should be “handwriting”

P.2. “toppling another pile”- that’s good writing, I want to kick G on page two, haha

“pouty look” – felt out of character

“hoped he was standing” – nice

P.6/7. Mouse hunting is really fun, though I wondered why there was no one with magic there to catch it in a more elegant manner. I don’t know what other magic is available apart from healing and fire, but the later could be - probably - used to herd the mouse to the bucket.

P.8.  “rouge” – rogue?

P.9. “stress and worry in the air” – I didn’t feel the stress in the scene so far

P.11. mmm.. weren’t they all like 15? Something about “Drink up kids!” felt off

P.12. “held it… and kept holding it” – nice

Overall:

I enjoyed both chapters, though I felt like I lost R a little in the first. What I mean is the mouse scene could really belong to any POV and I think that perhaps a few lines of internal monologue could help with that (though it is really a very minor note).

Also, my suspicion is that the mouse is a distraction for K to get into the library… At least, you made sure to mention multiple guards being in the room and not being where they are supposed to be. That seemed like they are not very good guards… (I had the same comment about Fergus – he let R go alone into a city - which is so obviously dangerous - because T hit him in the shoulder? They really need to train guards better). 

I liked the bar scene a lot – it was fun and cozy and without concern. I liked that you had a description of each song – it made me feel like I know the characters better. 

Were the thugs that attached them in the end the same ones they passed in the alley on the way to the bar? If so, it was a very premediated attack.

Looking forward to more!

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

All right excited to get into the chapters!

Overall: I think a lot of good pieces are here and the challenge now is putting them together. Many scenes are compelling, such as R getting away from a creep and wanting to learn about her past, but this feels more like a disconnected set of scenes rather than full chapters that move the story forward. Plus, I also don’t feel like it expands much on the ideas of earlier chapters. What’s the main plot takeaways the story wants us to have after these two chapters? I think identifying those and connecting the scenes to that dynamic could make these chapters feel less choppy without needing to rewrite a ton of it.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. I think what I need here is more on this different type of magic, which I assume will be plot-relevant

Pg 3. This is a good emotional beat but it also seems disconnected from everything else

Pg 4-5. Is this like a regular mouse or is there a special fantasy thing for why a mouse would warrant this freak-out? Like I wouldn’t be happy if I saw a mouse in a library but I don’t think it would cause several people to scream for an extended period of time

Pg 6-7. Is the mouse connected to the plot at all? I’m wondering if they’re some sort of shifter but only because of meta reasons (that if the story’s showing this it has to be important)

Pg 9. The characters finding this hilarious makes it seem like the story wants me to think it is too, and to me it’s not. Not that I dislike it, but it’s not laugh out loud funny

Pg 10-12. Maybe this is me not having read the first book but I’m having trouble keeping track of the characters and distinguishing them, since I don’t get a super clear picture of any of them except R

Pg 13-14. I’m not quite finding something to be engaged with in this scene. What’s the main “point” of them going to a bar and singing like this? If it’s just to have fun and unwind without any real conflict that’s fine but I don’t think it needs to be nearly this long (though reading over other people's responses I may be in the minority about this)

Pg 15. Nice tense end to the chapter but I while the place did come off as a bit seedy I think more work needs to be done to establish that it’s an actively dangerous place—or that this is very out of the ordinary for the location

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/21/2023 at 10:18 AM, kais said:

so it hit him in the leg <-- there wasn't a slightly higher drawer to open?

Ha ha ha! I love you- that's awesome!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/21/2023 at 10:18 AM, kais said:

I am unclear why there is such upsetness over a mouse and her babies

It's setting up a pest problem for the Library. I've had much feedback such as yours. I actually have a degree in Public History- this is enough to send archivists into huge fits, but I haven't set this up well enough. I will have to fix it. I will ponder the magical pest suggestion- that has merit probably better than the ordinary pest escalation I have in this story. Thanks!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/21/2023 at 10:18 AM, kais said:

the end of this chapter is really abrupt

Yep! We're about to switch POVs! 

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/22/2023 at 9:51 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

I'm interested to see what happens with the attackers. They are very bold to attack such a large group, even if most of them are kids. Especially a group with multiple magic users! I expect the attackers are either also magical, or will be beaten sorely. 

I hadn't considered this. I will ponder. 

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/22/2023 at 9:51 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

I’m a little surprised by this point that she hasn’t thought about the attempt on her life at all. It seemed like it would have been a traumatic event, but she so far hasn’t thought about it or the secret society that’s apparently out to get her at all

Yes, this is something I'm realizing I did quite a bit and into book three. I need to be more mindful of it. Thanks!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/22/2023 at 9:51 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

Okay, that’s a perfectly horrible pun lol. But also, it does seem a little out of nowhere since they’re still in the heat of the moment

It's R's thing. He breaks the tension by saying really horrible puns. 

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/22/2023 at 9:51 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

So it seems like its such a big deal because the magic that keeps mice out is wearing off? I think that can be played up even more, personally

The mouse is a big deal because mice are extremely damaging to archival materials. This is an interesting idea though. I'm not sure the magic can do this, but I will think about it.  

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/22/2023 at 9:51 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

I was under the impression that they were too young to drink, like teenagers. I guess that could be old enough in this setting since it is old-fashioned, but this changes my mental picture of their ages

I've had this comment before. They are of age in this world and living on their own. There are no laws or rules (strictly speaking) about the age they can drink. Drinking is a problem for Z as we explore in book one. I didn't land everyone well into book two- I am sorry about that. I will work on ways to do this better. I am completely rewriting book one from the ground up at the moment and will keep these things in mind while rebuilding this world. Thanks!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/22/2023 at 9:51 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

Oh, haha I wasn’t expecting a gay bar

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/23/2023 at 7:02 AM, Yuliya said:

Mouse hunting is really fun, though I wondered why there was no one with magic there to catch it in a more elegant manner. I don’t know what other magic is available apart from healing and fire, but the later could be - probably - used to herd the mouse to the bucket.

Excellent idea, but there's no use of magic allowed in the Library- especially fire magic. I need to make that clearer. Fun suggestion though! (and I'm realizing Y uses magic in the Library at the end of this book- but she's the curator's daughter so I guess she gets away with it? Probably something to ponder. 

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/23/2023 at 7:02 AM, Yuliya said:

mmm.. weren’t they all like 15? Something about “Drink up kids!” felt off

Understood. 

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/23/2023 at 7:02 AM, Yuliya said:

Also, my suspicion is that the mouse is a distraction for K to get into the library…

It's not, but interesting thought!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/23/2023 at 7:02 AM, Yuliya said:

I liked the bar scene a lot – it was fun and cozy and without concern. I liked that you had a description of each song – it made me feel like I know the characters better.

Thanks! Character was the point of this, but it probably needs some more going on in it that goes to plot. 

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

On 2/23/2023 at 7:02 AM, Yuliya said:

 

Were the thugs that attached them in the end the same ones they passed in the alley on the way to the bar? If so, it was a very premediated attack.

Yes they were and yes it is! I'm thinking maybe it needs to be carried through the bar scene somehow. Thanks for your thoughts- they are great!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

14 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

s the mouse connected to the plot at all? I’m wondering if they’re some sort of shifter but only because of meta reasons (that if the story’s showing this it has to be important)

Yes, the mouse is very important. It's the beginning of an attack on the Library using pests. I love the shape shifter idea! Maybe I should switch pests around and make the mouse latter and have them be a shapeshifter. Hmmmm. Awesome thought! Thanks!

[Cathy Lim Pahn Kahl]

14 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Maybe this is me not having read the first book but I’m having trouble keeping track of the characters and distinguishing them, since I don’t get a super clear picture of any of them except R

Sorry, I know the characters are pretty flat right now. I need to work on it. Thanks!

[Yuliya Gyorn]

1 hour ago, Cathy Lim said:

It's not, but interesting thought!

Cool, then I am looking forward to finding out the reason!

[Silk Soulcaster]

As I read:

So… is this guy skeevily flirting with our protagonist? That’s what I’m making of this first couple paragraphs, but I’m getting that more from Rs’s reaction than anything he’s actually doing. At least until about a third of the way down the page or sow, when it becomes more apparent.

He asks about her paleography, but this seems more like she’s just reading some not-exceptional handwriting. Unless that’s the point and part of the weird flirty thing this guy is doing?

P3 The encounter with the skeevy guy is good tension, but then R just wanders off and it feels like she—and the reader—are left at loose ends. It might help if she has a goal in mind other than just escaping the skeevy guy so it feels like we’re moving with momentum rather than just stumbling onto the orphanage records.

P4 “He tried to bribe me too.” So we know this is illegal, but I think it would be helpful to understand the scope of that illegality. It’s obviously more illegal than, say, jaywalking, but is this run-of-the-mill corruption or something more serious? Neither of these characters has remarked on it aside from R’s initial reaction, so I’m leaning more towards the run-of-the-mill side of the spectrum and present.

P5 One person freaking out over a mouse, I would get. But it seems like a lot of people are having a disproportionate reaction this mouse thing.

It also feels like, narratively, we’re spending quite a long time on what I presume would be a fairly minor and normal incident.

P7 “There is no way for them to get in.” Ah, this helps a little. Maybe move this up.

“There was something very wrong here…” Okay I get that the mouse was not supposed to be able to get in, but this still seems like an outsize reaction. What’s the actual threat here?

P8 Maybe WRS, but isn’t Th the tailor? Do we know why everyone is going to meet him? It definitely hasn’t been mentioned in this chapter or the last sub, which I only just read.

P9 “You are working off your debt to society…” Interesting. Is… is that a thing he just tells whoever? I don’t know if this is the same horrible breach of etiquette in this society that it would be in the modern world.

Oh no. Is this fantasy karaoke? (Edit, p11: Yup.)

This is another scene that seems to go long for what it is. I’m not sure how it’s moving us forward – it seems like the point is really to get to the end of the scene when there’s an attack.

Overall: I enjoyed the chapters, which had a lot of tidbits that were interesting or added to the tension of the story. My biggest struggle was that many of the scenes felt like they were too long – even though they had a reason for being there in the first place. I think either some of the scenes need to be trimmed, and/or they need to be refocused a little so readers have a better idea why we are focusing on these things and for so long.