Little_Dagger Posted February 20, 2023 Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 Hi everyone, Here is the next chapter of my story. As always, thank you for all the feedback and comments! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted February 20, 2023 Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 I'm new to this story, so take my comments with a grain of salt. Overall Hmm. I'm guessing the purpose of this chapter was for the man to leave the camp? The end worked for that, as did the last few pages. The first two or so pages also worked as an introduction. I felt like the middle was bogged down with talk of the tree which didn't seem to lead anywhere. We didn't get new information it felt like, just rehashing. I'm left to wonder what momentum we had in the B and C plots this chapter, unless the C / romance plot is our MC falling for the girl/woman? As I go - thick trunks do not go with potted trees. This throws me from the narrative - pg 2: there's a lot of 'those' in these first two pages and I don't know what they're referring to - pg 2: How snug that dress had become in places that were loose before, and how ungirlishly intricately her hair was now arranged <-- errr, is he supposed to be a father figure? If so this isn't cool. If he's the eventual love interest, what is the age gap here? Wide enough that he feels paternal but narrow enough that she could be a partner? There's a squick factor here. The 'months now' part also makes it read like she only just hit puberty, so she's 16 at best, assuming poor nutrition for most of her life delayed it. - pg 2: other little girls were more considerate of their fathers <-- so she's a little girl? Then double squick. But if she's a little girl how does she have the autonomy to invite people over? - pg 4: the people visiting keep being referred to as 'men,' so now I'm just confused. N is a young girl / young lady but is hanging out with full grown men? - pg 6: It's hard not to skim through here. I'm not sure what the greater plot is. They just seem to be talking about trees and our MC is trying to not lust - pg 7: Good girl continues to add to the confusion 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted February 21, 2023 Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 Overall, I think that the conversations here are written very well, and I liked the dinner scene. Before this chapter, I thought that B was the main character with the occassional insert from R, but it seems now like that is not the case. Which is interesting to me! I think that K leaving would have a much bigger emotional impact if we knew more about him. At this point, he's only been around for a single chapter, and its unclear exactly how his leaving affects everyone else, other than B not having K around to train him. I'm also still confused about the setting at large. I'm not sure what is significant or different about them being in the camp as opposed to somewhere else, or where or what the Shore is. Show and not tell is good and all that, but at this point I find it hard to know what people are talking about or care when I don't even know what they are talking about. I would also like to know more about the equator thing and why K is going to it and why the others think its significant. Is it a political event? A budget meeting? A war meeting? Still unclear. Excited to see more! P1 “If N brought them out today” I was a little confused by the way this is worded. Maybe something like “"She brought out more than two, meaning they had guests” or something like that Wait, so does R not know he was having people over for dinner? I thought it was his idea “Dutifully creaked” nice P2 Like the conversation at the top of page 2 “How snug that dress…” Er…I think there may be ways to get this idea across that are less objectifying. Comes across very weird since he is supposed to be a father figure P3 Ah, K. Interesting “Obviously” Ha, nice P4 “both younger man’s eyes” I think should be “both of the younger men’s eyes” “R considered all the places” lol P5 “strict regime imprisonment” this strikes me as an odd way to say this. I think that imprisonment is implied to already be strict in most cases, so I don’t think the word “strict” adds anything here, and actually seems out of place The information about the tree is interesting, but at this point I’m more interested in things like the regime, or the equator itself. Obviously, they might not talk about these things if they all know it already, but we still don’t know much about where they are and what things are like for them. We don’t even really know how they got to the place where the t are, or how the place they are at is different from that place, or from the equator. We also don’t know what the Shore is P9 “many a detail.” Some of those details might be nice…since we still don’t really know what an acoustician does “the right choices” nice P 10 “the younger men supposed to” I think should be “the younger man” P 11 “boyfriend” seems a little modern to me compared to the way everyone talks Interesting development with the letter 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 21, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 15 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: I would also like to know more about the equator thing and why K is going to it and why the others think its significant. Is it a political event? A budget meeting? A war meeting? Still unclear. I ended up adding info about the Equator Counsel to one fo the previous chapters, actually, but since I did not resubmit them, it is probably confusing indeed. In short, it is a yearly political meeting between the two peoples of this planet - Voices of the Tides and Voiced of the Clouds. 15 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: “How snug that dress…” Er…I think there may be ways to get this idea across that are less objectifying. Comes across very weird since he is supposed to be a father figure Yes, @Kais also pointed out that it came out very wrong. I will change it, thanks. And thank you for the rest of the comments - as always, good food for thought! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted February 21, 2023 Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 8 minutes ago, Yuliya said: I will change it, thanks. It could be as simple as changing how he thinks about the clothes. Instead of how they fit and what they show off, how about how they fit and how much new clothes cost? That's a big parent thing, the persistent cost of new clothing as kids grow like weeds, especially during puberty. If she just hit her growth spurt both up and around, then he's been buying a lot of new clothes. That would be a very parent way to look at her growth. Something like she went up three shirt sizes in two months. How was he supposed to afford that? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 22, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2023 18 hours ago, kais said: It could be as simple as changing how he thinks about the clothes. Instead of how they fit and what they show off, how about how they fit and how much new clothes cost? That's a big parent thing, the persistent cost of new clothing as kids grow like weeds, especially during puberty. If she just hit her growth spurt both up and around, then he's been buying a lot of new clothes. That would be a very parent way to look at her growth. Something like she went up three shirt sizes in two months. How was he supposed to afford that? Good idea, thanks! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted February 22, 2023 Report Share Posted February 22, 2023 Looking forward to digging into the chapter! Overall: As a sucker for tense family dynamics, I was engaged by the dynamic between R and N here. The beginning and end of the chapter especially paints a nice picture of how R sees N, and the end also helps me learn more about R indirectly, that he does think a lot about how dangerous his line of work is and trying to keep N safe is his way of dealing with it. On a more constructive note, the actual dinner scene could be looked at again, since I’m not clear on what it does for the story. We get a bit of lore in dialogue but other than that what really happens here? Now might also be a good time to say that while I am happy to have a character hook for R, I’m still not sure what the plot of the story is really about. The protags are heisters but I’m not sure if this is an actual heist movie sort of plotline (not that it has to be, but I think there needs to be setup for wherever the plot is going to go). As I go: Pg 1-2. I am a bit annoyed at R here but overall I think this does a good job of showing that he does want to be supportive of N but begrudges that he needs to give her space Pg 5. This is about the point where I feel like we need to pick things up. We know that R is struggling to be civil, what’s the next event here? Pg 7-8. We’re back to kind of talking about plot-relevant things, but I’m not sure if this grass is important or not. But even if it is, some of this feels more like an info dump than a scene that moves the plot forward. Pg 9. And how old is K here? And I’m going to be a bit hesitant if this actually turns into a love triangle, since those are very easy to do wrong Pg 10. Okay this is interesting, that R wants N to escape this life and doesn’t want her getting involved with anyone here that could tie her down. I want to see more of this sprinkled in earlier Pg 12-13. I like this motion we get in K’s dynamic with R but I also don’t feel connected enough to K for this to feel super impactful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 23, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2023 23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said: Pg 9. And how old is K here? And I’m going to be a bit hesitant if this actually turns into a love triangle, since those are very easy to do wrong Pg 12-13. I like this motion we get in K’s dynamic with R but I also don’t feel connected enough to K for this to feel super impactful. K if twenty five or so. And as for him leaving, I think it does not feel like an impactful farewell because I did not intend it to be one. He is literally in the next chapter, though in a new POV. It is a temporary farewell for these characters, though. Thanks for the comments! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted February 24, 2023 Report Share Posted February 24, 2023 I agree with @kais on this one. I was sort of lost for most of the chapter and got a big squick from R's observations about N. I feel like we don't know enough about the dynamic between the characters to really get all the subtlety of what's going on. I thought R was concerned about B being attracted to N, not K. Cutting this down a bit a focusing the conversation on the specific plot and character points may help tighten this up. Notes while reading: pg 2: "How snug that dress had become in places that were loose before" --There's a lot of male gaze here, and I'm also not sure why R feels so protective of her, even if he does see himself as her surrogate father. Have there been problems in the past? pg 5: I'm also not sure where all R's resentment of B comes from. We haven't actually been shown anything so far. pg 8: There's a lot of talk about plants here. I'm still not sure why the crackle grass is important. pg 9: "We can’t keep avoiding the topic" --what topic? I'm not sure of the subtext here. pg 10: Wait...K is the one interested in N? I thought it was B? pg 13: I think I was on the wrong foot for this entire chapter. I was thinking it was R being upset that B was interested in N, but it was about K. Maybe some introduction at the beginning will help set the tone? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted February 25, 2023 Report Share Posted February 25, 2023 A really well written chapter- I enjoyed it! I like all the relationship things going on here, but yeah- we don't have much connection with K yet. I would also like to see them fleshed out more before this scene. Page 1 K and B are here,” she said with unusual timidity, “I invited them for dinner to celebrate the new addition to the crew.”-- this first part gives me the impression she's excited B came for dinner, but I was thinking that N wasn't super happy B was staying so I was like- "whaaat?" Then I realized she was excited K was there. Ohhh. Page 4 The apple harvest is overwhelming this year, and the cherries ripen faster---I know this is second world and maybe fruit trees grow differently in this world, but cherries are in season in the early summer and apples in early fall. In our world they would not both be baring fruit at the same time. Sorry- I live in Washington State- it kicked me out. Ha ha! Page 5 N's eyes flickered to the nearest plant, the knife in her hand stopping briefly where it was gliding through the apple pie.--- So did they eat dinner without R? Or are they eating only dessert for dinner? Maybe apple pie is considered dinner in this world? Not sure. Page 8 Good girl.--- I did not understand this. Who's saying this? Why are they saying it? I gathered later on that it was R and it was because N was deflecting the question, but I didn't get it when I read it. Um- the ending. I got the impression R was only saying they couldn't date for now, K's reaction seems a little too much. I feel like if he was really in love with the girl he would stay and fight for her. This story is great! I really like the character's and I'm loving reading it! Keep working at it, you're doing fantastic work! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 25, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2023 8 hours ago, Mandamon said: I thought R was concerned about B being attracted to N, not K. Cutting this down a bit a focusing the conversation on the specific plot and character points may help tighten this up. 2 hours ago, Cathy Lim said: K and B are here,” she said with unusual timidity, “I invited them for dinner to celebrate the new addition to the crew.”-- this first part gives me the impression she's excited B came for dinner, but I was thinking that N wasn't super happy B was staying so I was like- "whaaat?" Then I realized she was excited K was there. Ohhh. Understood. I will see what I can do to make sure there is no confusion about N's attachments. 2 hours ago, Cathy Lim said: Page 4 The apple harvest is overwhelming this year, and the cherries ripen faster---I know this is second world and maybe fruit trees grow differently in this world, but cherries are in season in the early summer and apples in early fall. In our world they would not both be baring fruit at the same time. Sorry- I live in Washington State- it kicked me out. Ha ha! Page 5 N's eyes flickered to the nearest plant, the knife in her hand stopping briefly where it was gliding through the apple pie.--- So did they eat dinner without R? Or are they eating only dessert for dinner? Maybe apple pie is considered dinner in this world? Not sure. Both very good points, haha. And it seems like I am rusty at gardening! 2 hours ago, Cathy Lim said: This story is great! I really like the character's and I'm loving reading it! Keep working at it, you're doing fantastic work! Thanks for the encouragement! It made my day brighter 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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