Little_Dagger Posted February 13, 2023 Report Share Posted February 13, 2023 Hello everyone, Here is chapter four of the story. I am not resubmitting the previous now-edited chapters but I have made one big alteration there that is important for the rest of the plot. I am explaining that Bael's goal at the Shore is to try and mechanically replicate the seleill - the magical beads that the heist crew were, for centuries now, stealing from the telou and that serve as a foundation for most of the planet's technology. The problem, of course, is that if Bael succeeds, the job of heisters becomes useless and they will all be left without means of existence. Ress believes that the benefit to society at large outweighs the cost to his kind and lets Bael join his crew despite Nali's skepticism. He does, however, prohibit speaking of Bael's true undertaking to the other crew members for the time being in hope of avoiding the conflict of interests. Thank you as always for your thoughts! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted February 13, 2023 Report Share Posted February 13, 2023 (edited) I think that B's reason for doing it is very compelling! I think it's definitely intriguing enough to justify why he would go through all the trouble for the tablets, if that's the case. Definitely some important information. As for the chapter itself, it felt like just the right length. This sort of scene where we establish how hard the work is certainly necessary for the story imo, so this works. My main thing was that it felt like K's introduction was a little quick, like we were supposed to already know who he is. Also, I think it was mentioned before, but it seems like everyone talks very formally, which of course could just be their style, but it is something I noticed. Good work! Excited to see where this goes. P1 “this one, made him feel…” unnecessary comma here “since not other settler has gone mad…” I think should be “had gone mad” to keep with the tense P2 “she sniffed at his sweat-tangled hair” I get that this is probably to show that she disapproves of his appearance, but it also makes it seem like she is smelling his hair, which is a little odd lol “If you get any heavier…” absolutely savage, lol “to find K smiling” I don’t remember if this person was introduced before or not P3 “every last coin they owe” I think should be “every coin they own”? The meaning is slightly different “self-inflicted injury…otherwise…” This makes me think that suicide might be a problem among the heisters P5 “seen the arrival of the Moon” okay, that is interesting P6 “what was rewritten” should probably just be “written” P7 “who carved those lines” this seems unfair to R, imo, but is telling of B’s character. Also, can the song heal old scars as well? Edited February 13, 2023 by ginger_reckoning 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 14, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2023 13 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: “she sniffed at his sweat-tangled hair” I get that this is probably to show that she disapproves of his appearance, but it also makes it seem like she is smelling his hair, which is a little odd lol Lol indeed, changed it immediately 13 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: “to find K smiling” I don’t remember if this person was introduced before or not He was introduced in passing before as the youngest member of the crew and was also named during the telou fight. Thanks for the rest of the comments! I corrected the mistakes you mentioned. As for the formality of speech... well, I think I will leave it the way it is for now, and then do some studying of English slang and just informal dialogue. It is hard for me to naturally put it on a page, so it will take very deliberate tweaking. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted February 14, 2023 Report Share Posted February 14, 2023 Excited to see where the story goes! Overall: The good news is that overall this chapter reads really smooth, and I think is my favorite so far from a pure writing perspective. I also like that B is getting pushed in ways that are recognizable to us—it’s easy to see how training is wearing him out moreso than what the fantasy creatures are doing to him. My main suggestion here is to think about how this chapter fits into B’s larger arc. B’s trying to survive here, which is good but we need a feeling of what he’s surviving for and that he’s making progress towards (or away from) his goals. Another comment is that I don’t like the way N is handled in this chapter. R described her as being a kid, right? And even if she’s an older teenager we need to know that B is too for him liking her not to be creepy. Plus even with all of that, the fact that she’s being used to drag B into trouble for liking her (or at least B thinks that’s happening) makes her feel more like a plot device than a real character. As I go: Pg 1. I’m trying to remember if K was introduced before and what his relationship with B is. Doesn’t help that I have an awful memory for names Pg 2. Small thing but I’m surprised that heavy weight is looked down upon here. I kinda pictured this as a society where it’s hard to get by where weight would be a symbol of stability Pg 3. The dialogue here feels smoother than before—maybe because it’s related to B’s current problems Pg 7. Isn’t N like a teenager? Seems kinda creepy for K to be talking about her that way if he and B are substantially older (which I’m assuming they are) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 15, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2023 17 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said: Another comment is that I don’t like the way N is handled in this chapter. R described her as being a kid, right? And even if she’s an older teenager we need to know that B is too for him liking her not to be creepy. N is seventeen and B is twenty-two (introduced in chapters two and three, respectively). Do you think the age gap is too large? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted February 15, 2023 Report Share Posted February 15, 2023 6 hours ago, Yuliya said: N is seventeen and B is twenty-two (introduced in chapters two and three, respectively). Do you think the age gap is too large? For a fantasy world it's not egregious but it is large enough to be a bit uncomfortable to me and probably some others (especially since it is a romantic interest thing and not a political marriage type thing where large age differences might be more expected). If the story doesn't lose anything big by having them be closer in age (like 18 and 20), I'd recommend it. Many authors do get away with bigger age differences but I just don't see the benefit. Also Idk if I missed N's age being specified before but she did read as younger than 17 to me based on the way other character were treating her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted February 15, 2023 Report Share Posted February 15, 2023 On 2/13/2023 at 9:51 AM, Yuliya said: I am explaining that B's goal at the Shore is to try and mechanically replicate the s - the magical beads that the heist crew were, for centuries now, stealing from the t and that serve as a foundation for most of the planet's technology. Good hook. This absolutely needs to be in the first chapter. We also need to know why this is done and how it fits in with the culture in this book. This chapter is a great place to expand on that. This chapter is also easy to read and had some good banter, but I'm starting to want more knowledge of the world. We're getting dos and don'ts and how to recognize people from different lands, but I don't even know what kind of society this is. Why do they hunt T? Is this an important part of their culture? What do the people who don't do this do? Do they have a religion? A ruler? A tribe? This is an excellent place to add in a little worldbuilding to flesh out the chapter a bit and give it more of an arc of why B is doing all this. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Who's K? Possibly WRS, but would be good to have a reminder of who he is. pg 4: good banter through here, but I'm starting to wonder what the arc of the chapter is. pg 4: "wave commands" --what are these? pg 5: "The grammar was simple..." --I thought they didn't talk on the heists? is this all sign language? pg 5: "report every word they had exchanged" --is there some punishment he's expecting? pg 6: "“You are from D!" --There's some good description through here, but I don't know anything about the world. I don't know why this is a surprise. pg 6: "prods to engage in politics" --we also haven't seen and don't know any of the politics. It's been referenced a few times now but I don't know how it works. I don't even know what kind of society they operate in. Hunter gatherer? Do they have cities? Kings? Councils? pg 8: "he understood enough of social etiquette" --but we don't yet. I'm not sure what to expect from this dinner. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted February 16, 2023 Report Share Posted February 16, 2023 I had to read last week's submission to get caught up so I could read this week. Since I wasn't giving feedback for that I just skipped stuff I tripped over. I'm afraid I continued that habit into reading this chapter so- whoops! I went back and reread it so I could actually find those things, but in general I think this chapter reads much smoother than the previous chapters so I really didn't find much. Here's what I did notice: Page 1 As grim as the tent looked yesterday, its cool shade seemed like a forgotten paradise as he trudged on numb legs towards a stout stone house of the camp kitchen at noon. --I'm confused- did he go back to his tent before going to the kitchen? It sounds like he did, but it's kind of brief. Page 2 “Lesson number one,” K said, as he studied B still full bowl. “You gotta learn how to eat”. ---I totally thought K was going to eat B's food and leave him hungry. Page 3 Meaning I have to spend my precious time watching you eat - slowly - and then - likely more slowly - learn heister commands and codes-- I got the gist of what was happening here, but it was kind of confusing. Page 4 It turned out the list of wave commands he was given as a guest were akin to a few phrases taught to a foreigner in a new country. Enough to survive, but not sufficient to live.--the amount of content he seems to be learning here seems more like it would take weeks, not a few hours. Page 6 “You are from D!” B exclaimed, surprise dispelling some of the grogginess in his mind.-- I liked this! I love the way you said grogginess of mind- that was a great description! Page 7 R had the ability to play the A in this camp by whatever means-- I got the impression from the previous chapter that B never figured out how they sang the A, and yet here he knows. Page 8 Just after having implied that he had liked N to the man who certainly seemed to feel much more than that.-- this was confusing I hope this helps! The last two chapters seemed a bit heavy with information, but this chapter seems to strike the right balance. This chapter was pretty smooth to read. I am enjoying this story! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger Posted February 18, 2023 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 Thank you everyone for the feedback! As always, it is making my work better! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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