Reading Excuses-2/6/2023-K.Preston-ghosts among the stars-chap.1 (V) (5067 words)

[K. Preston Bridgeman]

Hello All,

 

  Okay so here is my first submission. A little nerve wracking, but I will get through it and hopefully not throw my manuscript in the trash. Okay, just kidding. I love where it's at and have been slowly editing it. This chapter has been in my vision for a little over a week now and honestly I am tired of looking at it. My systematic approach to editing it broke down along with the author (I cried in the bathroom curled up in the fetal). This is officially draft #3 and unofficially draft #117 or something like that. I mention all this because with all the writing, reading, and plotting I am sure I missed something. MS Word suggested punctuation changes enough to have me second guessing how each sentence reads (I am just too close to the story). So if you come across something that is unclear because of a missing comma, semi-colon, or whatever let me know.

 

As we get started. Here are some prologue-ish things to help. Let me know if you think it needs these elements in the story.

Thousands of years in the future humans have made it off earth. They never discovered intelligent life and are now the only space faring life among the stars. After establishing colonies across large swaths of universe many planets established political rule through one ruling family or families for each planet. Thus restarting monarchies and modified aristocratic hegemonies. This is overseen by a universal government system. Despite what it seems this has worked well and you can go safely into this story without expecting that to be a plot point.

 

Also don't get married to the title. I have no idea what to call this and have simply referred to it as my MC's story up till today. What you see in the naming convention is merely something combining ideas.

 

Thanks again, hope you like it.

K.P.

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Congrats on your first submission! I know it is hard to put yourself out there, so good for you for taking that first step. With that being said, do not let criticisms of the work get you down; they don't reflect you or the quality of your work, they are simply suggestions and experiences while reading.

I do not think that you need to include the "prologue" explanation in the book. I picked up on the setting pretty well through the chapter alone, I felt like, and with the popularity of Dune and other space operas, I think most readers won't have trouble picking it up. 

I also don't think that the viewpoints from the assassin at the beginning and the viewpoint from M are necessary. The assassin's viewpoint simply tells us that an attack is about to happen, and some trappings of the setting, but I think we can get both of those things later in the chapter. In M's viewpoint, I was overwhelmed with the amount of exposition. I think you can have M's viewpoint later, in a different chapter where he can think the same things but with more of a point of action to them, if he's going to be a recurring POV. I think this chapter would work best from just the one viewpoint of C. I think that would be especially good because it gives us a sympathetic view of the events going on, and I think you can get an even stronger emotional attachment to C going to make the king's death even more impactful. As it stands, I felt like I was getting whiplash from all the changing POV's. 

There were some sections that could be improved on, and some places where the writing was very strong, as noted below. Good work!

 

P1

“the soft pat pat” this is technically an incomplete sentence. Not saying you have to always stick to complete sentences in prose, but I think you generally should in the first few sentences of a story.

Rant time: In my opinion, the first sentence of a story is the most important. The second most important is the second sentence, and the third is the final sentence of the story. Everything after that is extremely subjective.

“pat pat” is the subject of this sentence, not the boots, so “swiftly making their way” is a descriptive clause, not the verb of the sentence.

The three incomplete sentences seem to all be describing sounds of the area, which on second thought is actually an interesting stylistic choice. I personally would just insert “the soft pat pat…were lost in the whisper of…”.

Rant over!

“ore rich” should be hyphenated

I don’t actually think that it being the capital and the home of the leaders are two different reasons for its wealth. That seems like two aspects of the same reason.

 

“This mansion, their mansion” I would recommend “this, their mansion” but that’s just me

“undulating” unclear what this is supposed to mean in this context

“Making it the safest place” See, imo this is an incomplete sentence that works, so it’s obviously very subjective.

“enormous plants” a little confusing since this is set in woodland. Specifying what type of plant they are (coal, metal, etc) might make it less confusing

Pg 2

“read out on his wrist once more” read-out should be hyphenated, and there should be a comma after “more”

Oh, took me a second to realize this was a POV shift. Might want to make that more clear before going to the dream.

 

Pg3

“Tonight…” nice

Pg4

“glistening of tear remnants” could probably cut the word “of”

As some of the others might point out, including the word “suddenly” actually makes what is about to happen less sudden!

 

Pg5 “that was out on the balcony” could probably be just “the guard on the balcony”

“school trained” school-trained

“propriety” this title should be capitalized.

Hmmm, not a huge fan of paratheses in prose

I like the description of the knife

“kill a royal member” surely, a royal family member.

P6

Do the guards also have knives?

“silk like” silk-like

“into the room, Panic!” I think should be a colon instead of a comma: “into the room: panic!”

“fighting pose” stance?

“mocking glare” nice

“instant fury” nice

“moment of curiosity” I think you could use a stronger word than curiosity. That usually doesn’t have a negative connotation, so it makes an otherwise powerful statement a little confusing. Maybe “pity” or “mockery”?

P7

“15 years of her own” cool detail. Also, numbers should be spelled out in most cases, so this would be fifteen

P8

“With the ease of an athlete”-nice. Maybe predictable, but still effective. Reinforces his power even more

“still had some strength said.” Should be “still had some strength, said,” or  “still had some strength, said:”

“Even though the next few minutes” nice

P9

Well written death scene

“Her Cries echoing down the halls” cries should not be capitalized

P10

A third POV in the first chapter? Hmmm.

“a highly coveted seat, and a great” I am completely lost at the end of this paragraph. The last three sentences in this paragraph especially are confusing

Also, is M the son of the one who was just killed?

“Make matters worse” To make matters worse

“who knows what skeletons” should probably be “who knew what skeletons” to keep with the established tense

“With a measured sigh he left” this is interesting characterization right off the bat. Analytical, and not caring for his family members. That being said, this whole page just crushed me with a ton of information. Can this be summarized in a shorter, more succinct way? I don’t think we need to know all these details right now, and you can certainly characterize him as smart and devious with just a fraction of the exposition here.

P11

“she looked unharmed” short sentence, but lots of emotion in just these few words. Nice!

…and we’re back to C.

P12

“reading devices, she could use…” remove the comma after “devices”

“after what seemed like a long while. They gently…” these should be one sentence, with a comma after “while” instead of a period

P15

I was wondering what the hook was going to be at the end of this chapter, and at the last second, there it was! Well done! I predict the assassin was her betrothed.

 

 

 

 

[K. Preston Bridgeman]

First off thank you thank you thank you. When I said I was tired of reading this, this is exactly why. You caught so many little things that my mind had just started reading over without picking up bad punctuation or loss of prose. Your fresh eyes have given me some work, but the good kind.

Thank you for mentioning what it felt like to read so much exposition. I was not comfortable with where it sat at times and honestly took a bunch out. I hope to clean it up with a new chapter and cut this chapter down a bit. 

I have some questions I will address at the end if you don't mind. This actually goes for anyone that reads this response. So please feel free to PM me or even reply here.

6 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

The three incomplete sentences seem to all be describing sounds of the area, which on second thought is actually an interesting stylistic choice. I personally would just insert “the soft pat pat…were lost in the whisper of…”.

two different reasons for its wealth.

Originally, I wanted sound to be the only subject of the whole opening, and somehow it transformed into a character POV. Not sure yet how I am going to fix that.

"Wealth" yep... Supposed to be a city KNOWN for two reasons. <sigh>

6 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

As some of the others might point out, including the word “suddenly” actually makes what is about to happen less sudden!

This one is killing me. I started with onomatopoeia and did not like it, though I use it later. Then tried it with a brief description (No 'suddenly'), felt it had no grasp. Also agree with you and don't like the way it reads now... I will find a way.

6 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Hmmm, not a huge fan of paratheses in prose

Agreed. Will be fixed as I intend to adjust my exposition as discussed.

Everything you pointed out has helped give me a good guide for this chapter. I wont change everything, but have a good idea where it is lacking now. 

I have a few questions if you please.

I know POV is a hot topic and I promise it becomes one person in most chapters after this with a few exceptions, hopefully ones that will be understood when seen. Sanderson has mentioned in a lecture that a POV shift can be okay if it happens smoothly and the reader can follow. I get the impression mine is not.

My questions are; How do you like to give a different character's introspection when it assists your plot? and What makes a smooth transition in your opinion?

 

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

3 hours ago, K. Preston said:

First off thank you thank you thank you. When I said I was tired of reading this, this is exactly why. You caught so many little things that my mind had just started reading over without picking up bad punctuation or loss of prose. Your fresh eyes have given me some work, but the good kind.

No prob!

4 hours ago, K. Preston said:

Also agree with you and don't like the way it reads now... I will find a way.

It definitely works as is, and you'll see "suddenly" used a lot by many different authors, but imo if you just cut the word "suddenly" it works a lot better. So it is just something like

Newline:

"A crash broke the silence..." (or however it goes I can't exactly remember)

4 hours ago, K. Preston said:

Originally, I wanted sound to be the only subject of the whole opening, and somehow it transformed into a character POV. Not sure yet how I am going to fix that.

As I said before, I think you could just cut this POV and have it work. That way, the reader is surprised by the attack in the same way C is. 

4 hours ago, K. Preston said:

Sanderson has mentioned in a lecture that a POV shift can be okay if it happens smoothly and the reader can follow. I get the impression mine is not.

My questions are; How do you like to give a different character's introspection when it assists your plot? and What makes a smooth transition in your opinion?

That is an excellent question, lol. I am not the best at this in my own work, but here are my two cents anyway. My main suggestion is to establish extremely early who it is you are switching to. Even just including the name of the person in the first sentence is usually enough, so it's something like "M woke to the sound of attackers" or something like that or "C was thinking about her bad dreams" (these are just examples obviously) 

I also think that if we are getting a different character's perspective on an event, there should be something unique about their persepctive that adds to our understanding of the scene. I actually think that the POV from M did this well, since he was much more analytical and detached than his sister was. However, the POV didn't lead anywhere, and more felt like it was included to establish exposition and M as a POV later on. 

Hope that helps!

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Congrats on your first submission! Like @ginger_reckoning said, please take all criticisms as constructive. We've all been there, and it's a really good idea to have other eyes on your story.

I think Ginger did a great job on addressing some of the technical details, and I agree on all counts. I didn't really mark any of those because I was more focused on the flow of the story, but I did notice a lot of sentences that were not complete, usually to make a point, however, often they are just distracting.

I also agree the assassin and M's POV's aren't really necessary to the intro. We can glean what the assassin intends, and M literally doesn't affect anything that's happening.

As for C's POV, I think editing down the description a lot will help. Many sentences are in passive voice, which makes the prose feel sort of dreamy and disconnected. You might try putting her actions into declarative sentences to see how that affects things, and if you can then remove a lot of the surrounding description that becomes unnecessary.

I'd also strengthen the end of the chapter with a definite hook--more than "she has a plan." What action will she attempt? What is her next move? What is the impetus for the reader to go on to the next chapter?

I think there's potential for a strong scifi story here!

 

Notes while reading:

pg 2: Interesting intro. It's keeping my attention. Glad to see some scifi!

pg 2: It's a little strange to go into a dream from out of POV, and then go into that person's POV after.

pg 4: "Suddenly the sound of glass shattering burst into the silence."
--there's a lot of words and description to get to this point. The tension was starting to ebb before this.

pg 5: "In his left hand he held a blade signifying his occupation and goal."
--These sections have a lot of description where we're waiting for action. I think cutting it down a bit will lend more urgency to the story.

pg 5: "She knew it would be aimed straight at the targets head, and this should have been the end. 
Except the target was not there."
--this sort of thing could be cut down to: "Moving with miraculous foreknowledge, the wraith shifted out of a projectile shot straight at its head." There's a lot of passive tense right now.

pg 7: "A fire of instant fury rose within her. She would make him pay for his moment of curiosity!"
--this sort of phrasing makes the story sound more like a romance somehow than an action/scifi story. It's got a very dreamy quality, partly from the passive tense, which reduces a lot of the tension.

pg 9: This is a very long death scene...

pg 11: M's whole interlude is very devoid of emotion. That might be how the character is, though.

pg 12: C's investigation is all reported in passive tense.

pg 15: There's not a call to action or a hook at the end of this chapter. C sort of floats around, and then has a plan. Showing some action would help, rather than telling about it.

 

[Cathy Lim Ardent]

Welcome! I am new as well, and I know it can be frustrating and daunting to get feedback. I think you have some great worldbuilding and story ideas here for sure. I am intrigued by where this is going. Stick with it! Writing is good for you and every time you work at it you get better! It's hard to take feedback on the artwork of your heart, but we can get through it!

Page 1

The beginning few pages had great imagery, but didn't excite me. 

"From his position he considered the layout of the land"-- I realize you're trying to keep the assassin anonymous, but having only pronouns to go on makes me less interested. You could always use wraith as a general term for him. Or do as others above have suggested and just cut that POV. Whatever works!

Page 3

Somehow the dream has left me with the feeling that C is super young, even though later you talk about how she's older.

Page 5

Suddenly the sound of glass shattering burst into the silence.-- Now I'm hooked.

Page 6

There were over twelve people in the room who could fight (including C and the King.) They could easily overwhelm him and finish this fast. --this exposition is stopping the action for me.

Page 7 

One guard hit a set of dim lights to try and gain an advantage---Hmmm- why haven't we hit the lights before this?

Page 11

The C was the universal governing body made up of the elected rulers from each inhabited sector.---doesn't seem to fit here.

Unfortunately, this planet, his father’s, --M doesn't even know exactly what's happened and he's already thinking about what would happen after an assassination. This is more sequel than scene.

Page 13

After that she had tried to be in the autopsy room when her father was brought in. --My feeling of C is that she's much too young for this. I know she's not, but she feels like she is.

Page 15

An empty ache in her stomach announced she was hungry, but she had no desire to eat. --I liked this- good way to put me into how she feels after something so shocking.

She had felt close to this woman incredibly early on, and when her mother died, she had been the one to fill the role her mother had left. --I feel like this is a better way to introduce L. With her puttering around dusting for some reason I thought she was some random young maid. 

Page 17

This gave her a hunch. If he considered her important enough to visually take in during a time his life was on the line. Then it was possible he might be keeping close by to observe her.--Good hook into the next chapter. I'm in!

Thanks for sharing this story! I'm interested to see if @ginger_reckoning's guess about the assassin is correct!

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

I totally feel you on subbing being nerve-wracking! I legit lost a lot of sleep worrying about my first few submissions. It’s good that you like where the chapter’s ended up, since in my experience it makes criticism sting less when you still believe in the piece.

Overall: Let’s start with the good. I liked a lot of the imagery here, especially during the start, and by the end of the chapter I have a pretty good understanding of what M and C’s goals are. On a more constructive note, it doesn’t feel like there’s motion in most of the chapter despite the action because it takes us so long for C to do something proactive. Investigating dead king father is a great motivation to work off, but the assassination itself didn’t do as much for me since I wasn’t connected to character motivations. And as mentioned at the end, if C’s going to focus on investigating I need to know more about her background in that specifically. Her general background is only interesting to me so long as it connects to the plot (for example, I’d care more about her feelings towards her siblings if they connected to the investigation or her investigating skills).

Another general comment is that I think a lot of the exposition here could be cut down. The thoughts in M’s PoV are better since knowing about the political setup directly informs his plan, but a lot of the explanations we get while following C feel unnecessary right now.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. I like the imagery we get here but my understanding is that this sort of panorama introduction is harder to sell readers on than it was back when something like Wheel of Time was written. Most stories I see nowadays place us in scene immediately.

Pg 3. I think we need a hook to get us going, I can see that the point is the dream shows what she’s lost but it’s not having a large impact since I can’t connect it to the larger story.

Pg 4-5. Right now it feels like events are happening without a clear narrative path

Pg 6-7. We have some plot events like I was hoping for, and my comment now is that we need a bit more on the characters for this to have an impact.

Pg 8-9. Careful of the expository dialogue here

Pg 10. I’m already liking M’s PoV more since he’s thinking how to be proactive. Not sure if he actually had a role in this or not, but I also don’t feel like I need to know now

Pg 12-13. I don’t think showing C be comforted by L is what we need right now. What is C’s role in the story? M has his plans and ambitions, what about C?

Pg 14. Conducting an investigation is a good start to her plotline, and I need a lot more on this. Is she trained to be an investigator? What challenges does she expect to face? How is she going to start the investigation?

[Silk Shade]

Congratulations on your first submission!

On 2/6/2023 at 9:04 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

With that being said, do not let criticisms of the work get you down; they don't reflect you or the quality of your work, they are simply suggestions and experiences while reading.

Yes, exactly this. 

On 2/7/2023 at 4:31 AM, K. Preston said:

You caught so many little things that my mind had just started reading over without picking up bad punctuation or loss of prose

Oh this happens so easily. A couple things that I do to help me focus on those types of things when I'm finalizing: I'll print off a copy and read and mark up a paper copy, and/or - these days mostly this one - I'll read it out loud. Makes me focus on the words on the page rather than the ones in my head. I still don't catch everything, but it helps! 

I've also seen people suggest to read something backwards but I've never been able to make myself do that. 

As I read.

“A theory he intended to put to the test tonight.” Ah, good. This is the first hint of goals or stakes. I’m not sure it needs to be moved up, necessarily (though it’s worth considering) but I definitely wouldn’t want to see it appear any later than it does.

P2: the princess Cress.. as in Troilus and Cress? Do I spot a Chaucer reference?

I didn’t realize this was actually a POV switch until the last sentence of the first paragraph of the new scene.

Something in this memory sequence made me wonder if the princess adopted?

P4 “…would never be married.” Interesting, but wouldn’t the death of your betrothed null the betrothal? It seems more likely that if they needed to preserve the treaty, they’d just marry her off to someone else.

That said, I like this take on arranged marriages. It’s a break from the usual trope, which is refreshing. Just maybe needs a bit more explanation/worldbuilding to support it.

P5 There is a what feels like a long pause after the assassin is discovered and the soldiers rush in. Plus, C’s reaction is quite analytical. Taken together it reduces the feeling of urgency for the situation.

P6 Not sure what is meant by “silk-like attacks”

The way the emotions and action are being described, I’m not sure where C is in all of this. It actually reads like this scene is being told from a collective point of view rather than the POV of a specific person, which could be interesting, but it’s a switch from how the scene began).

P8 “…he swatted the blade away with his own” he’s been doing this consistently over the course of the scene, so I don’t understand why C thinks that her own attack will have a different result than anyone else, since it’s clear they’re all highly trained

P10 “There would be no strategic advantage to gain.” Why not? This feels like a good time for specifics. I think maybe the next paragraph is supposed to explain this but it took me a moment to realize. Maybe move the bit about “the coveted seat” up in the paragraph?

P14 The way C tries (and fails) to embed herself in everything and then finds herself at loose ends is a good expression of grief, but at this point into the scene my attention is starting to wander. I m starting to get more engaged again now, at the bottom of p14, where it seems like is now driving towards a specific purpose. I think we can get here sooner.

“Most of the combat techniques used were the very same ones…” this doesn’t strike me as especially unusual unless these characters are using a specialized fighting style or something.

Overall: All right! So you’ve got a solid inciting here which is always good to build on in the rest of the book. I don’t think you need to include the prologue-ish elements you mentioned in the book; I was a bit curious as to why the people of these worlds decided on monarchy for their form of government, but the setup itself was perfectly clear.

I think the biggest two things I wanted were: more emotions, especially from C’s brother, but even from C herself. This can be a really helpful way of grounding us not just in what is happening but why it matters. The second thing I wanted was a little more specifics around what is actually happening. Especially, I’m thinking of M’s comments around the politics and C formulating a mysterious plan at the end of the chapter. Obviously we don’t need all of the information, but I think a little more can help, again, with grounding – and I don’t think you need to be afraid of revealing a bit more information, it can actually help keep the tension up if we know a little more about what they’re planning.

I wasn’t sure C’s age. There was a line in there somewhere that indicated she was an adult, but she often came off as fairly young to me.

On a grammatical note, you use a lot of sentence fragments. This can be fine as a stylistic choice (it’s one I’ve used myself) but it’s happening often enough that, even within the first page, it’s quite noticeable.

So far so good though. Keep going!

[Yuliya Gyorn]

Congratulations on your first submission! I totally understand your apprehension to share – the first time I ever released my work on the Shard (it was a Stormlight fanfic I wrote as a gift for someone though, not RE), I checked in like every five minutes to see if there are comments.

For better or for worse, there was ever only one comment (perhaps, asking people to read a +100-page fanfic was too much, or maybe it was not very good – I still do not know), so I escaped the criticism but also never learned what worked and what did not in that story. I think that is much worse than any pointed comment I got on RE

So, I hope you will the benefits will outweigh the pain for you too!

I think the others pointed out a lot of grammar/structural mistakes, so I will focus on general thoughts.

The first half of the submission gave me strong Way of Kings prologue vibes, so naturally, I liked it, haha. I appreciated the assassin’s POV because it immediately establishes a larger universe and tells us where we are in relation to it. I felt that some of the descriptions could be cut down and there were a lot of sentences with a similar but I think it made a good intro to the chapter. I also liked having it there because in the C’s POV, the assassin seems almost non-human (he is even called a wraith), so it is helpful to know that he is a person with his own motives and goals instead of some demon.

I also like how beautiful some of your descriptions are. A few of my favorites are “night tricked” on p.2, the sequence of “tonights” on p.3, and “despite this flurry” on p.4. There were a few I marked on each page.

I was a little lost in the dream sequence. I understand its purpose, but without the explanations that followed after she awoke, it seemed a bit chaotic.

I liked the fight scene and the fact that C is very observant and focused in the moment. I wish the father’s death was more concise – the deathbed words would feel more significant if they were few.

M’s has a very distinct voice and I liked that, despite him seeming a rather cold person. I find myself strangely more intrigued by his role in all of this than even C’s.

I think C’s behavior after the fight was really well written. I felt the loss of her father and even herself for those few hours very starkly.

I felt that C’s realization that the assassin may be interested in her came too quickly. I immediately guessed that he is her deceased betrothed, and if that is indeed planned as a future twist, I would be less excited to read on. If he is not, then a good misdirection, I suppose.

Overall, thanks for sharing and I am looking forward to the next chapters!

Edited February 10 by Yuliya

[K. Preston Bridgeman]

Everyone,

Thank you so much. I have put quite a few notes and plans together based off what feedback you have given me. Especially the feedback on exposition. I have a hard time feeling out what needs to be known and when it needs to be known that this chapter's poor flow became the result. 

@Silk No, sadly my unplanned Shakespeare reference is only mirrored by C's nobility and name. Her name actually comes from my first car. Concerning your grammatical note about sentence fragments. Frankly I hate them. I write them because when I free write, I write to get the thought on paper. Then, when I go back and try fixing everything I get lost in the mess and read them out loud the way I want them to sound and not the correct way.

@ginger_reckoning, @Cathy Lim, @Yuliya. I like your predictions and am apologizing now. First because the clues given lead to something completely different. Second because I use it like a fishing lure. Constantly throwing it out and dragging it back. Some of you will probably be disappointed. We shall see. 

Okay, so I do not plan to resubmit this chapter after this next round of editing and will simply summarize it briefly.

1. I am removing the early assassin POV and toning down the exposition for the mansion and city.

2. C's age is 22 and that will be apparent a lot earlier. Along with this her dream will be less choppy. (The sudden shifts of real dreams does not make clear reading.)

3. The action will be more active and less descriptive. This should make it seem more real time, and less foggy or dreamy. 

4. M's scene will not have as much extra exposition. (I have a new scene a couple chapter's later that can take on the majority of these through actual dialogue.) 

5. My intended hook of C beginning her own investigation and us following her will be altered slightly. I will make her intentions a little clearer and add some weight to her plans.
- I purposefully wrote it to be at the end of the chapter as some of you have noticed, and based on your feedback I feel some of you had to work to get that far. This one leaves me in a conundrum. I was hoping that the earlier scenes had enough pull to make this work. At this point I am concerned about the possibility this could be a put-the-book-down kind of problem. I will have to play around with this.

Okay so those are going to be the big changes. I will adjust some of the other things you mentioned, but will leave a lot of it intact as was seen. 

Again thank you everyone. This has been a busy week and I feel bad having not been able to read and respond to all your amazing work. I will at least try and read them to keep up with your stories. 

Appreciatively,

K. P.

Edited February 12 by K. Preston