Reading Excuses -1/30/23 -ginger_reckoning - changeling sub 7 (GLV) (3635 words)

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Thanks again all for reading. This sub is pretty straightforward, I think, but I would still like to see what you guys think. Does it make sense logically? What could be streamlined? 

 

This is them actually going out to scout out their chicken heist after H helps cover for A. Tags for violence, gore, and language (some mildly sexual but not enough to warrant an S tag I think) 

 

I've been brainstorming up some possible titles, and right now I'm thinking "The Shapeshifter and the God of Blood" but that doesn't really roll off the tongue, and maybe gives away a little too much/promises a darker tone than I want? Idk. What do you think about that title?

 

I'm also including a link to a recap of past chapters on a google docs.

 

Thank you!

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

Nice to get to read more of this! 

Overall:

I was fairly engaged reading through, especially getting a better feel for the society, but I’m not sure if it does enough for the plot or the characters. What’s the real arc here? We get good worldbuilding, but the big points introduced—A’s instincts and saving the man from the humans trying to lynch him—don’t have clear connections to larger plot arcs right now.  

As I go:

Pg 1. Small thing but I feel like a lot of times when someone says “the homeless” they’re being judgmental which doesn’t seem like A’s opinion here

Pg 2-3. It’s good to get a bit of a picture about the larger world. While the plot’s not moving I’m still fairly engaged here

Pg 6-7. This is about where I feel the chapter is lagging a bit. I think a feeling that something’s wrong is too vague for me to be invested in it

Pg 9. Different appearance but I’m getting Klan vibes from the attackers

Pg 11. I think we need to know not only that A won’t kill, but what he is going to do. Is his plan to leave them here? Try to make sure they can’t keep terrorizing people somehow?

Pg 12-13. I’m not getting a strong read on the man A rescued. It could help to focus on what about him stands out.

[Silk Shade]

P2 “A was too focused on not splattering against the cobblestone…”  This is starting to become really frustrating. M says something ominous and A just finds a reason to ignore it. I really wish he would pick on these things more actively, maybe even push back.

“Do they still retain their wits?” Stumbled here. It took me a moment to realize that M was still talking about other gods.

“Do we… need to stop them?” Another stumble here. I had thought we were still talking about the old gods but now it seems that we’re talking about something else, a different “them” to which M and “our kind” is actually opposed.

P3 “The Ks would not forgive the mil…” for what? I’m losing track of the conversation. It’s fine that there’s lore we’re not always privy to (unless this is WRS?) but I can’t even really follow what’s being talked about.

P4 “C could use their telekinesis on the clothes to push A around” nice detail here.

“slothful caution” minor, but seems like an unfair assessment of N, but I think it might just be the wrong word (implying laziness instead of fear for example)

P5 “…guaranteed to have mil he could help.”  Now this is interesting. Right now though it’s presented as mostly an afterthought to the chicken heist thing, which seems weird.

“Onto the next one then.” The next chicken coop? I thought they were going to cut into this one at ground level.

“…like the city was relaxing a flexed muscle.” Nice.

So aside from the fact that A’s supposed to be under guard by his own people, what are the consequences if he fails? Getting caught by the authorities or another gang? Are the chickens supposed to feed people back home?

P6 “…even for someone who could shape their own vocal cords.” Lol that would help! (Also: cords, not chords here)

“tonight would probably go off without any snags.” Welp.

I’m all for getting more plot information but the extended conversation with M when A is feeling uneasy sort of deflates the tension.

P7 “I got most of what I wanted anyway.” Such as? Are they carrying like twenty chickens?

Good. It’s about the right time for something like this (the fight that A leaps into with M’s help) to happen. C’s caution at the end of the chapter that “that’s not what’s going to happen” also good.

I stumbled over C carrying them both back home, until I realized it was a reference to C’s telekinesis/flight. Maybe a different word to remind us of this bit?

Overall: I mentioned this already, but it’s rapidly becoming my biggest stumbling block, and that’s A’s non-response to all of the ominous, “not quite right” things that M says. It’s not presented like he’s deliberately ignoring or avoiding these thoughts, he just … doesn’t seem to notice. I think it’s partly that he never seems to have even emotional reactions to these kinds of statements, even briefly, and partly that the things that distract him away never seem entirely convincing in comparison.

Maybe WRS, but I also felt like I was being blindsided by a bunch of lore that we hadn’t been introduced to in this chapter. I think advancing this part of the plot is probably necessary by now, yes, but I was really struggling to keep up. Maybe some more context before this point? And/or, maybe A could proactively do some digging of his own going forward. He’s been fairly reactive about this particular thing in his life, and if I were him I think I would have some Questions.

Also. The thing with the chickens. I honestly kind of love the thing with the chickens, for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on. But I do need to know why he’s doing it.

[K. Preston Bridgeman]

First off wow. I missed reading the first chapter (I know I could go back, but am to lazy) and have read this without probably a lot of context. That being said, I tried not to delve critically into your worldbuilding, and instead focused on how the story moved. I felt it moved great. It was not hard to follow what was happening as it went, and I liked the premise so far.

Pg3. "You did not ask me to." I note that he still didn't ask him to. What outside of throwing up prompted action. It may be just me, but it feels like M should be able to pick up on A's feelings better and thus offer better support. Basically I want to know better why their relationship seems a little strained. 

Pg7. I thought C and A were both on the inside of the fence?

Pg8. "Soon, he heard a repeated, muffled thumping sound, accompanied by a pathetic groan." This gives me an image of something much more rapid and less violent then when it is revealed. just a suggestion example; "A heard several muffled strikes against flesh followed by pathetic groans."

Pg8. "... drank in many details at once." I like this.

Pg9. It would be nice to know a little bit more about the anger and hatred that drives the humans to attack the mil.

Pg10. "... the muscles in his shoulder and elbow stretched and ripped." I think I know what you are doing and I am now very concerned for A when he uses his power. Very nice.

Pg11. I love when A shouts out loud. It demonstrates how emotional he is getting with M.

Overall: I think it is well done. Again I am not reading with all the context so take anything in my comments that was answered with a grain of salt. I base my like off of how much I want to know more of the story and can promise that I will catch up with the first chapter before reading any other submissions. Good job.

K.P.

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

I was fairly engaged reading through, especially getting a better feel for the society, but I’m not sure if it does enough for the plot or the characters. What’s the real arc here? We get good worldbuilding, but the big points introduced—A’s instincts and saving the man from the humans trying to lynch him—don’t have clear connections to larger plot arcs right now.

Fair enough! It's good to know that what seems connected in my head could be better spelled out on the page. 

13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 9. Different appearance but I’m getting Klan vibes from the attackers

Yeah, that's something that's been a constant worry for me while writing this. The mi are not supposed to represent any particular group, but there are obviously parallels here to a lot of oppressed groups (for instance, the holocaust parallels have already been mentioned). Hopefully it's not too off-putting

13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 11. I think we need to know not only that A won’t kill, but what he is going to do. Is his plan to leave them here? Try to make sure they can’t keep terrorizing people somehow

Thanks, I will add more details on this

7 hours ago, Silk said:

P2 “A was too focused on not splattering against the cobblestone…”  This is starting to become really frustrating. M says something ominous and A just finds a reason to ignore it. I really wish he would pick on these things more actively, maybe even push back.

I hear you. I'm hopefully going to address this problem in the next submission, but yes, it could definitely use a little more of this at this point

7 hours ago, Silk said:

“Do they still retain their wits?” Stumbled here. It took me a moment to realize that M was still talking about other gods.

“Do we… need to stop them?” Another stumble here. I had thought we were still talking about the old gods but now it seems that we’re talking about something else, a different “them” to which M and “our kind” is actually opposed.

P3 “The Ks would not forgive the mil…” for what? I’m losing track of the conversation. It’s fine that there’s lore we’re not always privy to (unless this is WRS?) but I can’t even really follow what’s being talked about.

I'll make sure to make this more clear (or maybe just cut it? would it be frustrating to not have this information brought up yet?)

7 hours ago, Silk said:

slothful caution” minor, but seems like an unfair assessment of N, but I think it might just be the wrong word (implying laziness instead of fear for example)

noted

7 hours ago, Silk said:

Also: cords, not chords here

D'oh! Thank you!

 

7 hours ago, Silk said:

P7 “I got most of what I wanted anyway.” Such as? Are they carrying like twenty chickens?

This was mainly a scouting mission. I'll make sure to make that (and the reasons why they are doing it) more clear in the next draft

7 hours ago, Silk said:

maybe A could proactively do some digging of his own going forward

good idea. I had a scene planned where they go to a library for some research, so maybe i'll bump that one up

 

Welcome to Reading Excuses K. Preston!

3 hours ago, K. Preston said:

Pg3. "You did not ask me to." I note that he still didn't ask him to. What outside of throwing up prompted action. It may be just me, but it feels like M should be able to pick up on A's feelings better and thus offer better support. Basically I want to know better why their relationship seems a little strained.

Fair point!

3 hours ago, K. Preston said:

"Soon, he heard a repeated, muffled thumping sound, accompanied by a pathetic groan." This gives me an image of something much more rapid and less violent then when it is revealed. just a suggestion example; "A heard several muffled strikes against flesh followed by pathetic groans."

0.0  

I did not even consider this! Thank you for pointing that out!

3 hours ago, K. Preston said:

Pg9. It would be nice to know a little bit more about the anger and hatred that drives the humans to attack the mil.

I don't plan on getting into this all that much, sorry. Basically all you need to know is that they are afraid of the mi and (erroneously) believe that killing them is for the good of humanity. Basically, as was pointed out, a stand-in for white supremacists

 

Thank you Ace of Hearts, Silk, and K. Preston!

[Silk Shade]

On 1/31/2023 at 8:14 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

I'll make sure to make this more clear (or maybe just cut it? would it be frustrating to not have this information brought up yet?)

I think I'd have to read the clarified version to take a stab at answering this question, honestly. Right now don't think I'm getting enough information from the exchange to be frustrated by its absence.

In general, I haven't really been feeling frustrated that we don't have a bunch of this larger-scale information yet, because A has been understandably busy and things have been moving along without that info. It does feel like we're arriving at a point where introducing more big-picture info will be necessary.

On 1/31/2023 at 8:14 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

This was mainly a scouting mission. I'll make sure to make that (and the reasons why they are doing it) more clear in the next draft

Ah. Yeah, I did not get this.

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Generally agree with the others on this chapter. Overall, I thought it was good, and I like that we're getting to some of the deeper conflicts in the city.

On 1/31/2023 at 11:14 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Yeah, that's something that's been a constant worry for me while writing this. The mi are not supposed to represent any particular group, but there are obviously parallels here to a lot of oppressed groups (for instance, the holocaust parallels have already been mentioned). Hopefully it's not too off-putting

I think this is just fine. Especially over the past few years, we've all been exposed to seemingly irrational hate. I don't think you're calling out any one group.

Like @Silk says, I'm mainly confused on the lore in the first half of the sub and what the deal is with the chickens. On the one hand, I like that M is just talking smack about the other gods like everyone should know what's going on, but it also does leave the reader confused. Maybe just a little more explanation form A on who is who? Second, I have no idea what they're doing with the chickens. Why does touching the coop matter? I C planning to float it out later? Are they going back? Not sure.

Still enjoying the story!

 

Notes While Reading:

pg 1: "planting their foot on the street as it rushed by and pushing themselves once again. "
--Are they taking backstreets? Because if seeing someone fly gets they conscripted, seeing them leap ten meters at a time will probalby do the same.

pg 1: "But in this part of town everyone knew not to confront a c"
--Ah, here's the explanation. I might still be worried about the people they passed giving information to the army.

pg 2: "Our kind wronged them, just fifteen hundred years ago"
--I do kind of like that the gods are just forgetful old people bickering. We might need some reminders about who's doing what, though. I don't think I know who the keepers are.

pg 5: "he didn’t know any other places that were guaranteed to have m he could help"
--I get how this is a logical progression from his task, but I wonder if we need more thought before this point on how A hopes to heal all of the M.

pg 6: what's the significance of the coin again?

pg 6: "They then set out to touch as many important objects as they could"
--what is this for? Are they going to float the whole chicken coop across the city?

pg 8: "I just feel really strongly about this"
--interested to see what this is.

pg 11: Good description of the fight through here! I like how M is guiding him.

pg 13: This chapter definitely takes a darker tone! But I think it lends some good substance to what A has been seeing. I want a little more information about C's plan with the chickens though. I'm not sure what they're doing.

[Cathy Lim Ardent]

So this one I understood that they were scouting the chicken coups, I got that they were using their powers to get there and somehow avoiding notice (mostly) but I think I'm missing some part of the story. Was there something that happened between the last chapter posted and this one? I thought someone was assigned to watch A- how did they give them the slip? For some reason the beginning when they're traveling there it's a bit jumbled and confusing, but once they stop it becomes clear. 

P1- The two did pass by some people, the homeless and people more concerned with their own nocturnal activities. --This sentence was one of those jumbled things.

P2- I find it fascinating that your friend possesses the power of the enemy, - I don't understand why C has the power of the enemy. I thought he heard M like A does.

P3- C pushed on themselves from the front, -- The they/them is somehow not working for me in this chapter. I read this sentence more than once and it's confusing. I think I know what's happening, but my brain didn't automatically pick it up.

P5- "Top’s covered,” C whispered. “Makes our getaway a lot more complicated.”-- I totally understood that this coup wasn't a good target.

I loved the nagging sensation- added a ton of tension to the sequence. It was a fun twist that it was pulling him towards something instead of away from it. 

I like that M is giving him on the spot training in the thick of things. 

P14- The old man coughed weakly, trying to crawl away. -- I didn't recognize this was the victim of the beatings at first. I thought it was the guys A took out. I could have just been distracted while reading. 

Overall I'm still enjoying this story and the characters. I'm very interested in where this is going! Good work! 

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

On the one hand, I like that M is just talking smack about the other gods like everyone should know what's going on, but it also does leave the reader confused. Maybe just a little more explanation form A on who is who?

Hmmm yeah, I can see that this is a problem by this point. I'm just struggling to find a way to bring this up organically. I'm thinking of including an interlude from one of the main antagonists soon (at around the 50k word count mark, which will hopefully be the 1/3 mark as well), and hopefully I can explain some of the religious and city lore there, but we'll see lol. This has been brought up before though, and I think will be helped by including an extra chapter near the beginning before the raid/fire that can explain a little more about con and the city in general.

As for the chickens, yes I agree that needs to be spelled out clearer on the page

23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I might still be worried about the people they passed giving information to the army.

Thanks for pointing this out! I think this should be fairly easy to fix by adding a line like "they wore different faces so no one would recognize them"

23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I get how this is a logical progression from his task, but I wonder if we need more thought before this point on how A hopes to heal all of the M.

Fair point!

23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

what's the significance of the coin again?

A tradition they have is to switch the coins when they do something dangerous then switch them back when it's over. It's also a physical indicator of their friendship, so watch out for symbolism in the near future 

9 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:

I think I'm missing some part of the story. Was there something that happened between the last chapter posted and this one?

Yes, sorry, I've been skipping around a little in the order of the chapters, which I know is confusing for people jumping in (and just in general) One of their friends is helping them avoid notice

9 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:

This sentence was one of those jumbled things.

Thanks! I will work on making that more clear

9 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:

P3- C pushed on themselves from the front, -- The they/them is somehow not working for me in this chapter. I read this sentence more than once and it's confusing. I think I know what's happening, but my brain didn't automatically pick it up

Hmmm yeah, I'm definitely not an expert on the topic (unlike shatteredsmooth or kais) so this is something I could get better at clarity wise

Thanks Mandamon and Cathy Lim!

 

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

Pg 1-I had a hard time getting my bearings. You left off with A helping his father while being watched by G. Now A and C are running, and I have no idea why.

Pg 2-You introduced S, and I read her name as Salmonella, not an issue, but hopefully, she's an unsavory character because that's all I'll be able to think about when I read her name.

Pg 3-I still don't know why A and C are running all over the place or what they're doing. At this point, it's somewhat frustrating not to have an explanation.

Pg 4-They picked up clothes? I feel like I've missed a lot.

Pg 4- "And, in truth, for A it was a matter of dignity as well." You said he wasn't shy, but then you say it's a matter of dignity. I know the two are somewhat different, but it still felt slightly contradictory.

Pg 4- You finally mention that they're going after the chickens. It's good to know, but I would've liked to know this earlier. I also still have no idea how A slipped away from G and got different clothes. Even knowing what A and C are doing I still feel like I'm missing something.

Pg 5- A is planning to steal chickens, but he also wants to help people. Wouldn't stealing someone's chicken go against that? Despite this, I'm invested in the whole chicken thing and can't wait to see how it plays out. Watching someone who has been gifted powers by a god stealing chickens is completely absurd.

Pg 6-I'm a little confused about why C is trying to touch everything. Touching the chicken coop to float the chickens out might make sense since it's hard to carry more than two chickens at a time, but I don't understand why touching everything else is important.

Pg 10-I felt that the fight scene was very well written. It was easy to follow exactly what was happening, and I was rooting for A to win so he could save the old man.

Pg 11-" What,” C said, staring down at the two humans, “the was that.” I think there should be a question mark rather than a period here.

Overall I really enjoyed this one I understood what was going on. For the first several pages it was hard to care about what was happening because I didn't understand what was happening. Once you gave an explanation I really started to enjoy the chapter.

 

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

51 minutes ago, FlowerGirl said:

Pg 1-I had a hard time getting my bearings. You left off with A helping his father while being watched by G. Now A and C are running, and I have no idea why.

Sorry, I did skip some stuff from the last chapter. Basically, this picks up from the submission two weeks ago, not last week. Sorry for the confusion. 

52 minutes ago, FlowerGirl said:

You introduced S, and I read her name as Salmonella, not an issue, but hopefully, she's an unsavory character because that's all I'll be able to think about when I read her name.

Ha! That was unintentional, but I like it. Don't worry, it is indeed an unsavory character. 

53 minutes ago, FlowerGirl said:

Pg 4- "And, in truth, for A it was a matter of dignity as well." You said he wasn't shy, but then you say it's a matter of dignity. I know the two are somewhat different, but it still felt slightly contradictory.

fair enough

54 minutes ago, FlowerGirl said:

Touching the chicken coop to float the chickens out might make sense since it's hard to carry more than two chickens at a time, but I don't understand why touching everything else is important.

THis is good to know so I can make things more clear!

Thank you flowergirl!