1/30/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 2, 3772 words

[Ace of Hearts]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your comments last week. I'm here with the next couple of chapters of Bond of Wildflowers, with any and all feedback appreciated. In particular, I actually find prescriptive advice to be very helpful so any suggestions on what you would do with the story are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

[Silk]

As I go:

P1 I’m not sure what is meant by an “appropriate” smile.

P2 “…I hear there are some behind your school.” I’m having trouble articulating what’s not sitting quite right, so this might be really unhelpful – so the usual grain of salt applies. But, having G just pinpoint exactly what’s needed and where to find them, especially knowing W already has some pre-picked at home… it feels like there’s a try/fail cycle that’s missing here.

It might also be partially that W really doesn’t fight G on this being magic. Has she encountered things before in her life that make her feel like this is not as farfetched as it seems, or…?

End of the scene and I definitely still feel like we’re missing a try/fail or … something. W gets a magic cure and some information without really having to work for it.

P6 “Though there is a way for me to get more.” Don’t they grow behind the pond? W needing N is a great setup, but only if there’s some reason she can’t just go and pick more flowers by herself.

P7 “I do my best to change the topic after that slip of the tongue.” Kind of want to actually see this part of the conversation, even if it’s brief.

P9 “Based on N’s reaction…” I like the dread at the end of the chapter and almost wonder if you can punch up N’s reaction to the flower thing a little more, so it feels fully earned.

Since Ch4 is the first chapter – I think? That we get from a POV other than W’s, I wonder if we can actually have a little more lead-up into it. Even with N’s name at the top, the events move on so directly from the events of the last chapter that I almost read right over the POV switch, especially since there’s no precedent for it.

The switch to a character we haven’t met before not being abusive feels… very abrupt. Definitely feels like we might need more of a lead into some of this.

P12 B is the ex’s new girlfriend, right? Have we actually been introduced to her in this draft? Maybe WRS but I don’t remember her name coming up. And I know you sort of hung a lantern on it with W’s comment about timing, but her appearance does seem awfully coincidental.

Over the whole chapter, W seems to be taking this whole “oh bee-tee-dubs there’s magic now” thing very well. Not sure that’s an issue exactly, but I noticed a couple of times. You did hang a lantern on it towards the very end of the sub with W’s comment about having had suspicions, so maybe just a bit more of that is needed?

Overall: You’ve got what’s potentially a great setup here, with the thing W needs most being tied to the person she’s been warned away from, though we need some more explanation as to why she can’t just get more from the pond. 

I’m still very much feeling @kais’s comment from last time that the chapter is moving both too fast and too slow. We’re getting a bun ch of information and a magical solution, but W doesn’t really have to try for either and I don’t have enough to contextualize all the information we’re getting. There’s some good stuff happening but I think it might be happening in the wrong order.

12 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your comments last week. I'm here with the next couple of chapters of Bond of Wildflowers, with any and all feedback appreciated. In particular, I actually find prescriptive advice to be very helpful so any suggestions on what you would do with the story are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

Okay, let me come back to this when I'm not being crawled over by puppies.

[Silk]

Okay. I suspect that you and I are similarly iterative thinkers. So I'm going to throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and you can decide if any of it should stick. Grain of salt and all that because I don't actually know the shape of your story

• I think W needs to make another try for the flowers at the pond by herself before going to N. Maybe she gets there and they're all dead, maybe they've deliberately been removed, maybe somebody stops her. (Maybe she runs into B because B has been following N there?) But it seems like there should be another try/fail cycle in there. Depending on pacing, maybe she can even get more flowers in a first run and realize that she is depopulating the flowers at the pond and will need another solution.
• Thinking about it more, I actually feel like W's decision to go back to N for help could be made more of. She has lots of places to run into him and two people warning her away from him, plus her own complicated feelings about him. There might be room to build in some more of her actively avoiding him before she decides to go back to him.
• I mentioned the scene with W and G  also feels like it's missing a try/fail cycle. If I were W, I would have a ton of questions about this stuff. What happens if W tries and fails to get more information out of G, or G lets one crucial piece of information slip? This scene needs to feel like more than W's cousin materializing and handing her a MacGuffin.
  • Also, if there is any danger associated with the potion - because of what it does or where it came from or what have you - this would be a great time for G to let something like that slip.
• To build on my comment about not just being handed a MacGuffin - consider what happens if W has to wrestle with herself before using it - because she doesn't know how/it might be dangerous/etc. Maybe she needs to take a scene to have a sudden realization or act out of desperation.
• Possibly: I wonder if W getting the flowers from N and getting the potion from G are happening in the wrong order. My first instinct is to say reverse them. But this requires juggling things a lot for N to stay a nice guy who isn't pushing any boundaries, maybe more than is manageable, so maybe not.

Obviously pretty much any of that involves extending the timeline of what's already happened so you would probably need to be making some progress towards the intrigue/mystery aspect as well, so it doesn't feel like we're stalled. But I don't think that would be a bad thing!

[Little_Dagger]

As I read:

Pg 1. First paragraph “but go” should be “that go”

Pg 5. “my mom is” should be “my mom has”

Pg 6. “judgement” should be ‘judgment’

“I am too shocked” – I felt like a shock was too strong an emotion for the scene

Pg 8. Feels very weird N had never been exposed to math at the age of seventeen at all. I know he is new and otherworldly, but considering his gaps in knowledge, it is hard to believe the teacher just sent him to a peer tutor for an hour and a half. Perhaps, a similar effect could be achieved, if he knew the math, but did not understand the terminology, like someone who learned the material in another language?

“not interested in me” seems very direct

“got from her” should be “for her”

Pg. 9. “milky look” not sure what that means

Pg 10. “Nobody there” misses “is”

N asks “how are you feeling?” too often, I think

“I’m don’t” should be “I don’t”

“Not on earth anymore” – I like the transition!

General thoughts:

- It is fun to watch the story unfold, and I feel attached to W at this point. I am curious about where you will take the traditional fairy lore as the story goes on.

- I like that the next meeting with N happens so soon, though considering that the flowers grow at the pond, it seems weird she needed his help that much (maybe mention that they picked all the available flowers last time?)

- I felt a bit underwhelmed at the meeting with Grace (yes, she wears a black jacket now, but considering that she is offering a magic vial, I was hoping for something weirder to appear in manners, look, or conversation)

- Also, I feel like I was more flustered by the magic while sitting and reading at home than W was going to another world. I think some surprise or discomfort on her part could add to the tension

- In general, it often feels like things just happen too easily for W. She is mostly reactive to the things going on around, and I think she could benefit from some obstacles to overcome, instead of placidly receiving flowers, help to pick flowers, and the vial from others. 

Overall, nice work and I am looking forward to reading more!

Edited February 1, 2023 by Yuliya

[ginger_reckoning]

It is interesting to me that this chapter has happened this early in the story. Specifically, it seems like W is getting the exact solution for her problems, so to me this says that there will be some major complications going forward that make her plan of using the flowers to cure her mother not work. Like the others were saying and like I mentioned before, this just seems like a scene from the middle of the story, not near the beginning. It moves fast, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I do wish we could establish the characters a little better. Also, I'm not sure about having N's POV here. Don't get me wrong, I like having lots of POV's in my own work and so I fall into this a lot as well, but I think I would rather have W's reaction to going to another world for the first time, and then maybe have N's POV a little later. 

As for W, I like her character a lot. She is soft spoken but still kind of pulling the strings behind the whole situation. I also like that she is neurodivergent (IIRC) but that isn't her whole character. 

Excited to read more!

 

Pg 2

Personally, if someone told me that they had a magic medicine that worked in proximity, I would simply be like “that’s nice” and leave. The fact W isn’t skeptical is interesting for her character, and hints that maybe she has considered magic as a real possibility for a while. unless there is some sort of precedent for this in the setting

Lol I like how she just drinks it

Pg 3

“before they were killed” Might be wrs but who is “they” in this sentence? Is it the mother mentioned, both the parents, or is it the pharmaceutical executive?

Pg 4

“I do the same but until”-- I think “but” can be removed

Pg 5

“Almost like I drained the energy from them” is she trying to hint that she knows they’re magic?

Pg 7

“doesn’t even know elementary school concepts” I like this detail. Turns out maybe-magical communes don’t teach math all that well! (Like a certain magical school by that one author whose name escapes me)

Pg 9

Oh, okay, a POV shift. Interesting. I was expecting N to not have a POV since he knows more about the situation, so this is interesting.

pg 10

“I’m don’t do” I don’t do. Also! Called it! He is a fey or something!

“She knows we’re not on earth” Earth, as the place, should be capitalized.

“It sounds like you were living in a fairytale” seems like a bit of a logical jump. Though that could be because she is trying to get him to reveal what he knows

Pg 12

So B was just standing in the woods, waiting for him to arrive? Also, has B been mentioned before? She doesn't get a description here, but from what she talks about, I imagine her as a businessperson. 

 

[Ace of Hearts]

Thanks for the feedback so far! I'll try to respond later in more detail but it seems like the biggest thing that I need to highlight upfront is that the medicine isn't the silver bullet solution to her mom's illness, which gets touched on more later.

[Mandamon]

Similar thoughts to the others on this one. It's unfolding a lot faster than the last version, so that might be what we're all feeling. If it's going full magical that quickly, that's fine, but I do agree more reaction from W will help that feeling. Right now we've got a lot of new characters and facts thrown at us over two chapters. If they're going back to the village, or dealing with it in some way in the next few chapters, I think this can work. But if we're getting hints now, and then most of the book will be about W/N's relationship, the revelations might need to be scaled back.

I am really enjoying the story though! Looking forward to the next part.

Notes While Reading:

pg 1: Something weird in the second sentence...

pg 2: "though it does line up with my amma being evasive about those flowers."
--I think cutting the amount of exposition in the last chapter might actually help the reader accept this. If amma is vague but sort of skirts around "magic," then W here can say it's weird two people have brought it up in two days.

pg 2: ah, so the flowers are mentioned. I was expecting more surprise or push back here. W just accepts that G is conveniently talking about the flower a person happened to give her.

pg 3: “This is about the color it should be,” 
--I'm not sure why diluting it in water is the "right" color?

pg 4: "I can’t believe I’m about to try this."
--I like that we get into the mystery behind this super early, but it does seem very convenient with everything else that's been happening.

pg 5: "now I know that using the flowers to turn that energy into physical healing"
--Now I'm wondering what happened to the water in the vase. Hopefully mom didn't pour it out! or is the magic in the liquid used up too?

pg 5: "I didn’t put much of the magic liquid in"
--oh, got it. I thought she used the whole thing.

pg 6: "I don’t have to get involved with whatever mess "
--Aren't the flowers just growing out by the lake? Can't she just pick more?

pg 9: "I hope I’m not making a mistake."
--some great interactions here between W and N. Sets up a good tone of suspicion as well.

pg 9: "I try to force H’s words"
--I forgot about him! Surprised W didn't ask N about his brother.

--Oh, didn't realize there was a POV shift here at first

pg 10: "I still hurt her."
--hmmm...Not sure how I feel about being in N's POV. I wonder if it's better to kep his actions mysterious? Then we wonder about his reasons for his actions. Here, he gets to explain them.

pg 10: "pass over to the world I came from"
--ah, that explains a lot.

pg 12: Hmm, okay, I'm warming to N's POV. There's a lot more revealed early on than there was in the last version! If this is going full magical right at the beginning, then I think it's less of a problem.

pg 13: "but she let me help her. Right now, that’s enough."
--nice ending.
 

[Ace of Hearts]

On 1/30/2023 at 9:41 PM, Silk said:

I’m still very much feeling @kais’s comment from last time that the chapter is moving both too fast and too slow. We’re getting a bun ch of information and a magical solution, but W doesn’t really have to try for either and I don’t have enough to contextualize all the information we’re getting.

This is good to know. It's not too hard to force W to work a bit harder to get this info so I could try that.

On 1/31/2023 at 0:02 AM, Silk said:

Okay. I suspect that you and I are similarly iterative thinkers. So I'm going to throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and you can decide if any of it should stick. Grain of salt and all that because I don't actually know the shape of your story

• I think W needs to make another try for the flowers at the pond by herself before going to N. Maybe she gets there and they're all dead, maybe they've deliberately been removed, maybe somebody stops her. (Maybe she runs into B because B has been following N there?) But it seems like there should be another try/fail cycle in there. Depending on pacing, maybe she can even get more flowers in a first run and realize that she is depopulating the flowers at the pond and will need another solution.
• Thinking about it more, I actually feel like W's decision to go back to N for help could be made more of. She has lots of places to run into him and two people warning her away from him, plus her own complicated feelings about him. There might be room to build in some more of her actively avoiding him before she decides to go back to him.
• I mentioned the scene with W and G  also feels like it's missing a try/fail cycle. If I were W, I would have a ton of questions about this stuff. What happens if W tries and fails to get more information out of G, or G lets one crucial piece of information slip? This scene needs to feel like more than W's cousin materializing and handing her a MacGuffin.
  • Also, if there is any danger associated with the potion - because of what it does or where it came from or what have you - this would be a great time for G to let something like that slip.
• To build on my comment about not just being handed a MacGuffin - consider what happens if W has to wrestle with herself before using it - because she doesn't know how/it might be dangerous/etc. Maybe she needs to take a scene to have a sudden realization or act out of desperation.
• Possibly: I wonder if W getting the flowers from N and getting the potion from G are happening in the wrong order. My first instinct is to say reverse them. But this requires juggling things a lot for N to stay a nice guy who isn't pushing any boundaries, maybe more than is manageable, so maybe not.

Obviously pretty much any of that involves extending the timeline of what's already happened so you would probably need to be making some progress towards the intrigue/mystery aspect as well, so it doesn't feel like we're stalled. But I don't think that would be a bad thing!

Thanks, this is super helpful, especially because I'm learning my brain gets overwhelmed by feedback but interprets suggestions like these as fun possibilities to explore. I like the idea about W going for the flowers at the pond first, and I'll definitely highlight the potion not being the perfect solution.

On 1/31/2023 at 0:12 AM, Yuliya said:

- It is fun to watch the story unfold, and I feel attached to W at this point. I am curious about where you will take the traditional fairy lore as the story goes on.

- I like that the next meeting with N happens so soon, though considering that the flowers grow at the pond, it seems weird she needed his help that much (maybe mention that they picked all the available flowers last time?)

- I felt a bit underwhelmed at the meeting with Grace (yes, she wears a black jacket now, but considering that she is offering a magic vial, I was hoping for something weirder to appear in manners, look, or conversation)

- Also, I feel like I was more flustered by the magic while sitting and reading at home than W was going to another world. I think some surprise or discomfort on her part could add to the tension

- In general, it often feels like things just happen too easily for W. She is mostly reactive to the things going on around, and I think she could benefit from some obstacles to overcome, instead of placidly receiving flowers, help to pick flowers, and the vial from others. 

A lot of these are similar to other comments, and I agree. I'm planning on having W work more to get information and not jump to asking N for flowers so quickly.

On 1/31/2023 at 6:18 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

It is interesting to me that this chapter has happened this early in the story. Specifically, it seems like W is getting the exact solution for her problems, so to me this says that there will be some major complications going forward that make her plan of using the flowers to cure her mother not work. Like the others were saying and like I mentioned before, this just seems like a scene from the middle of the story, not near the beginning. It moves fast, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I do wish we could establish the characters a little better.

I do want to keep the fast pacing but this hits on a point that people seem to unanimously agree that information is dumped on us really quickly. Spreading it out and having W work for it a bit more will hopefully fix that issue.

On 1/31/2023 at 6:18 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Also, I'm not sure about having N's POV here. Don't get me wrong, I like having lots of POV's in my own work and so I fall into this a lot as well, but I think I would rather have W's reaction to going to another world for the first time, and then maybe have N's POV a little later. 

This is an interesting point. The draft before this I think it was in W's PoV and at least conceptually I like it better in N's since there's a lot more insight into what's actually going on. Still, I can definitely try to bring out more of W's reactions in N's PoV (which he's focusing heavily on) or switch back to W's PoV if I can't get it to work in N's.

On 1/31/2023 at 6:18 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

So B was just standing in the woods, waiting for him to arrive? Also, has B been mentioned before? She doesn't get a description here, but from what she talks about, I imagine her as a businessperson. 

 

Thanks for highlighting this haha. She hasn't been mentioned and importantly while she holds herself as a businessperson, she's a teenager who goes to the same school as W and N. Upcoming scenes feel a *lot* more awkward if she's read as an adult so I'll need to nip that in the bud.

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Similar thoughts to the others on this one. It's unfolding a lot faster than the last version, so that might be what we're all feeling. If it's going full magical that quickly, that's fine, but I do agree more reaction from W will help that feeling. Right now we've got a lot of new characters and facts thrown at us over two chapters. If they're going back to the village, or dealing with it in some way in the next few chapters, I think this can work. But if we're getting hints now, and then most of the book will be about W/N's relationship, the revelations might need to be scaled back.

This is helpful to hear! It does sound like after hearing feedback in the first draft that people wanted more magical stuff earlier on, I overcorrected a bit. I think scaling back a bit and having W work to get the information more should patch up these issues.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

[Silk]

5 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Thanks, this is super helpful, especially because I'm learning my brain gets overwhelmed by feedback but interprets suggestions like these as fun possibilities to explore. I like the idea about W going for the flowers at the pond first, and I'll definitely highlight the potion not being the perfect solution.

Good to know, I'll remember that for future critiques (and I work similarly so feel free to throw prescriptive feedback back at me the next time I submit). Glad it was helpful!