Reading Excuses - 1/30/23 - Yuliya - Anorbitals v1 sub 1, 3521 words (light V)

[Yuliya Gyorn]

Hi everyone!

 

I am a new member of the group, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to both share my work with you and read your wonderful stories. Only one week in, and it has already been a learning experience. 

 

I write epic fantasy, though since I am new to writing, I am excited to explore and experiment with other genres. 

 

I am looking for feedback on the plot and the feel of the story but also comments on grammar if you find something amiss (English is not my native language, and I often struggle with subtleties or structure of the phrases).

 

Thank you and have a great week ahead!

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

Welcome to Reading Excuses, it's great to have you here!

Pg 1-I'm enjoying the beginning, I like how you get right into things.

Pg 1-By paragraph two I'm pretty sure B has just been running and that's why he's trying to catch his breath, but I'm not entirely certain.

Pg 1-"It was almost as if they were canceling each other’s sound waves and done it in such a perfect synchrony that not even the softest sound escaped for more than a few feet." Done should be doing.

Pg-1 In paragraph three you mentioned how much preparation B has put into getting ready for the event. I found this added importance and intrigue to it. Great job!

Pg 2-"Their only hope now was that the beast was further than they expected." I think there's a word missing here. Maybe add away after further.

Pg 2-"who seemed to run without pausing" Generally when running there is no pausing. I think what you were trying to convey is that they were easily moving across the pebbles. Maybe change pausing to another word.

Pg 2-I'm liking how B is made out to be the leader of this whole thing, but is somewhat clumsy I'm finding it to be quite entertaining.

Pg 2-"Each quick step struggling to fall on dry and flat." There's a word missing here. Maybe add ground after flat.

Pg 2-I really like how you described R. I normally find character descriptions with more than one or two attributes bothersome, but the way you described R made the description quite enjoyable to read.

Pg 3-"carved them right from the stone with the sound." I'm enjoying how you are adding to how terrifying the T are and having multiple mentions of sound. Everything feels very cohesive.

Pg 3-"The same one they would use" Same what they would use? Do you mean a certain frequency of sound? It might be helpful to specify here.

Pg 6-"He had done what he had come for and would rather be alive when the time came to return and retrieve his instruments." Would rather implies that he's choosing between two options, but there's not really a second option. Maybe you could change would rather to wanted to. 

Pg 7-I'm really enjoying the nonverbal communication. It's interesting and quite enjoyable how little spoken dialog there is.

Pg 8-Finally seeing the T is very satisfying. Everything before its appearance seems to have been building up to this point.

Pg 11-The ending felt a bit sudden, I'd like to know what B is doing to the T.

Overall I really enjoyed this, B is a fun character to follow, and I find his clumsiness entertaining. The sound-based magic system (I think it's a magic system.) is really interesting and unique. The T are quite terrifying, and the battle scene was exciting. I thought the pacing was quite good, things moved quickly, but not too quickly. I also had a good picture of the setting in my mind. 

Great job, I really enjoyed this and can't wait to read more!

 

[Silk Shade]

Congratulations on your first submission!

P1 The setup with a super-hearing monster is a good way to create a hook right off the hop.

“They can probably stop their heart if… It was almost as if they were canceling each other’s sound waves...” Wasn’t sure how to take these statements. Are they hyperbole and this is a reflection of the narrator’s character? Or can these people actually do these things?

“…the T would have heard the noise too. So must have the entire settlement” is the whole settlement T, to hear such a quiet noise?

P2: The comment about his mother boxing his ears makes me suspect he’s fairly young, and would probably go some way for me to explaining the hyperbolic lines I mentioned above. Maybe a marker of age on the first page?

“He ran for a good fifteen minutes…” This is a long time to run. I would have expected something to happen before this point. And, if the T’s hearing is so good, how does it/they not hear the sound waves this group of people is regularly emitting? It makes the danger from the T feel overblown. 

I like the acoustic/auditory method of communications – it’s neat. I do wonder if “sound wave” is the right word, I don’t have a clear picture of what they’re actually doing. Are they making clicks or whistles at certain frequencies, or…?

P4: I’m getting antsy for something else to happen. They characters are still trying to hide themselves, but haven’t they already been discovered?

The word “heist” is getting tossed around a lot and comes with some very specific tropes, but so far what’s being described doesn’t feel like an actual “heist.”

P6: At this point I’m ready for better sense of stakes. What does it mean that the monster they were expecting isn’t there? Are they more or less likely to succeed with it gone?

P10: I’d like to feel a little more danger here. I think the crew might be just too effective at keeping themselves and B out of danger.

B seems to be stepping up to play a pivotal role in this fight at the end of the chapter, but I don’t really understand any of it. I don’t necessarily need to know all the ins and outs of the magic system but a little more preparation for B’s role – like he has a very specific skill that he’s here for (or doesn’t expect to ever use, or whatever else is appropriate) might help us prepare for him stepping into the fight at the end of the chapter.

Overall: Good start! There’s an interesting magic system here, although I didn’t always understand who was attempting to do what or why. The major thing that was missing for me was tension. The “can’t make noise or the monster will hear us” is a good setup, but the tension is deflated on the first page when someone makes a noise… and then nothing happens as consequence for several more pages. If the major threat is “we’ll be heard” and someone makes a noise on the first page, there either needs to be an escalation (yes, and) or a twist (no, but). Alternatively, the inciting incident—the characters revealing themselves with a noise—can happen later in the story if the characters are making progress toward their goals in the meantime, and then the inevitable mistake can hang over us.

It would also be helpful to have some hint of what the emotional arc of the story is. “Don’t screw up or we’ll die” creates an immediate hook, but by the end of the chapter I want to have a better sense of what the characters are doing and why. This can also help build tension if I have a better idea of why it matters if the characters fail.

Edited January 31 by Silk

[Cathy Lim Ardent]

Hello! It's good to have someone else new here too! 

Wow- this is an incredibly cool magic system! I've seen someone else use sound, but it was very different. I like it! I liked the tension being silent created. There is a lot of curiosity as to why whenever they make a sound nothing has happened yet. I do like the fact that the encounter didn't happen at the nest. But I agree that we need to know what is at stake ultimately. 

Page 1- 

Not a shuffle or a whisper betrayed ten more people blending with the rocky landscape nearby. Where - B could not begin to guess. -These two sentences didn't flow well. I stumbled over it. I didn't know what you meant by 'Where" at first.

 with so much equipment and wires that he had to take a loan from his uncle to buy them all. For years now, he saved all his own money to buy the equipment he needed for today. -So, did his uncle pay for his equipment, or did he? I'm confused.

Page 2- 

His skill with rhythm and pitch was what earned him the trip to the Shore on this sun-heated day in the first place. -I'm seriously questioning why they brought him on this heist when he's clearly bungling it.

Page 4-

When the shuffling from the nest started to grow louder instead of softer, the tension in the man’s bodies around B shifted into their faces. -Should be 'men's bodies'.

Page 5-

“That is the third one this year,” he mouthed. His quiet whisper sounded loud after hours of noiseless travel and preceding weeks of communication through the waves - I was uncertain who "he" was. Was this B or F? I found out later, but maybe just use F's name instead of he.

Page 8-

B suspected that whatever sound this t intended to produce now, it was not be a jolly tavern song. -Should be 'would'. This was fun though!

Page 9-

A single untargeted ten-ts wave slipped through Rs violent rhythm. Be ready. B realized he had no idea what that meant. Ready for what? To run? To die? The second seemed easier to do at the moment. -I really enjoyed this! 

This was fantastic for someone who is not a native English speaker! Great job! I agree that a little more description of how the magic works would help, but I'm torn because I like to see it play out in action like you have done so... hmmm. There's something off that I can't quite put my finger on. Overall though it's a very strong start to what looks like an intriguing fun world and magic. I'm looking forward to more!

 

[Yuliya Gyorn]

Thank you everyone for the comments! I have a lot to think about! 

I was very worried that a chapter without any dialog would be very hard to parse through, but most of the comments about the non-verbal communication seem positive. Good to know!

As for the explanation on the magic system: the thing is, most it would be explained in the POVs of other characters later (though now I am considering moving those chapters earlier), along a few bits given in the prologue. I chose not to share the prologue so far because I suspect it will be re-written a thousand times by the time I am done with the book, and so reading now it seems an unfair claim on your time. But perhaps, the world is indeed less clear than I realized without it.... hmm.... I will perhaps look it over again and see if I can share it.

Again, thank you all for your suggestions and time!

 

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

Nice to get to read some of your work! Looking forward to digging in 

Overall:

For someone new to writing, this reads rather well overall. Certainly better than my early attempts at fantasy writing. For me the biggest missing piece is character motivation. Why is B part of this group, what are they trying to steal, and why? I need to have a feeling for what a protagonist’s goals and values are to find them compelling.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. This does a good job of setting up the heist and the danger, and I think I need to know more about this heist. What are they trying to steal and why?

Pg 3-4. I can tell the T are important, I don’t get a good feel for what kind of creature they are. Nest makes me think some sort of birdlike or insect thing

Pg 5-6. I think that for the dynamic between B and R to be compelling to me it has to be woven into the current plot/conflict instead of being given to us in exposition

Pg 8-9. Descriptions of the T are good, especially the face/eyes. It might be better to not mention them as much before now so that we don’t have to wonder what they look like from page 1.

[Yuliya Gyorn]

31 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 5-6. I think that for the dynamic between B and R to be compelling to me it has to be woven into the current plot/conflict instead of being given to us in exposition

 

Thanks for reading! Any advice on how to do that? I am not sure I fully understand the comment

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

6 minutes ago, Yuliya said:

Thanks for reading! Any advice on how to do that? I am not sure I fully understand the comment

I'd suggest either dropping the exposition about them entirely/save it future chapters or creating a situation in which B's dislike for R interferes with the mission (or their other goals) so we have a reason to care about it

[Yuliya Gyorn]

On 2/2/2023 at 6:42 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

I'd suggest either dropping the exposition about them entirely/save it future chapters or creating a situation in which B's dislike for R interferes with the mission (or their other goals) so we have a reason to care about it

Hmm, alright. I will see what I can do. Thanks!

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Hello and welcome to Reading Excuses! For someone new to writing and with English not as a first language, I think you did an awesome job.  Generally I agree with the others that there is motivation missing in the first chapter of why they're hunting the T. Also why is B along here? We don't really get any explanation and it will add some more tension (though you do have a good bit with the silence and creature attack)

My main concern was not understanding what's going on with the magic system. I think I figure a little bit out by the end of the chapter, but I was having some problems with sound/frequency/rhythm being confused. I think it's a really fun system, but there either needs to be more or less explanation in this chapter. Right now, there's just enough to mke me confused as to how it works.

The ending also fell flat for me, as there's not a definite ending to the chapter. What happened? Were things resolved? Right now, we're just held at a moment in time with no indication what will happen.

Looking forward to another entry!

 

Notes While Reading:

pg 1: Good hook!

pg 1: confused on the third paragraph. Who's stopping their heart? I don't understand the sentence about cancelling sound waves with respect to the previous sentence. Then B has stopped his heart mechanically? Sounds very uncomfortable. I think this paragraph needs to be unpacked a lot, probably a bit later on after we know what's going on.

pg 2: "Only a hand that shot out and caught him by the shoulder told him these were not rocks"
--I'm a bit confused by B's relationship to the rest of the crew. Is he the new member? He sounds young, but also as if he hasn't been trained to be on the crew, which I would guess is the case if he's on his first outing.

pg 3: "The realization sent shivers dancing madly along B’s spine. Noise, if the t were inside…"
--Is his spine making noise? Not sure what this means.

pg 3: "Seeing crackle-grass like this was like watching the sun go dark. "
--huh? Confused.

pg 5: "The waves he had sent"
--I"m also a bit confused by the "ts" indicators. I'm imagining a "tsk" sound, which would be far too loud. Is this an actual sound? A directed vibration? I'm struggling to understand how this works. There's also a lot of counting involved. I'd hate to be fighting and have to differentiate between 15 and 16 vibrations.

pg 5: "could see why his uncle disliked the man so much"
--not sure why the leader chastising a crew member who made a mistake in a deadly encounter is out of line. Seems practical to me.
--This is supported by the next couple pages. The leader seems like he's doing his job well.

pg 8: Having a little trouble with the description here. So the T is threading it's own strings around hooks on its body like a serpentine violin? That's the image I get. But I'm still stuck on the "ts" and what the numbers mean. Is this an amplitude? Frequency? Is the wave something heard, or a pressure, or what?
(I'm a mechanical engineer by training, did a focus in vibrations, and also play classical violin...this is why these parts trip me up)

pg 9: "like some scaled hateful harp"
--Ah, this lines up with what I was thinking. Might move this description earlier?

pg 9: "Each man added his own rhythm."
--Being slightly pedantic, but rhythm, or volume, or frequency?

pg 9: "It was the resonant frequency of several vital organs in the human body"
--interesting. So "Ts" is a measure of frequency then?

pg 10: "Tum-tum-tum-tum-tum"
--but this is five, not seven?

pg 10: Er...so what happened?

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Hi! Welcome to Reading Excuses, and as others have said before, your English is very good! There were only a few grammatical mistakes that I think someone already pointed out. 

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, (and forgot to do line-by-line because I read this on the bus. Whoops!) so I will keep this brief. I was immediately hooked by the first couple of lines and the promise of a heist. I was confused about whether he paid for the equipment himself or if he took a loan from his uncle. I was confused by the ts indicator. Is that supposed to denote hertz? Also, how are they producing the sounds? With their throats via humming, or just...magically? 

I was also a little confused by everything that happened at the end. Did B need to join everyone in killing the t or it wouldn't work? Did they kill the t or just stun it? 

My main thing was that I wanted to know why they are doing the heist. What are they trying to steal? What exactly makes the main character so excited to go on a heist? What are the consequences (other than the t killing them) of failing the heist? If they don't bring anything back, will the people back at home suffer? 

Also, I see what you were doing with making "noise" a curse word, and it makes sense for the worldbuilding we've seen so far, but on the page it is a little confusing. 

I look forward to reading more!

[Yuliya Gyorn]

On 2/3/2023 at 8:06 PM, Mandamon said:

--I"m also a bit confused by the "ts" indicators. I'm imagining a "tsk" sound, which would be far too loud. Is this an actual sound? A directed vibration? I'm struggling to understand how this works. There's also a lot of counting involved. I'd hate to be fighting and have to differentiate between 15 and 16 vibrations.

 

 

On 2/3/2023 at 8:55 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

I was confused by the ts indicator. Is that supposed to denote hertz? Also, how are they producing the sounds? With their throats via humming, or just...magically? 

The sound waves are produced magically, with a -ts being a frequency indicator. I will make sure I explain it more clearly, thanks! The rest of the comments are very helpful too, and I will see what I can do to make the chapter flow better.

Also, @Mandamon can I pick your brain on sound physics from time to time? You sound like the person with just the right background. My own training is in math and economics, so I am at mercy of Google search most of the time here, haha

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

15 hours ago, Yuliya said:

Also, @Mandamon can I pick your brain on sound physics from time to time? You sound like the person with just the right background. My own training is in math and economics, so I am at mercy of Google search most of the time here, haha

 

Yep, no problem. I'll point out what I see in the story as well.