1/9/23 - ginger_reckoning-changeling sub4 (DGL) (2761 words)

[ginger_reckoning Bloodsealer]

Happy new year everybody! Thanks again for reading this. This particular sub is most likely going to be revised into oblivion, so I'm mostly looking for the pieces that you think work/can stay. Tagged for medical gore, language, and references to drugs. 

[Mandamon Listener]

This chapter has some good parts in it. I'm not completely on board with the two POVs yet, mainly because I think most of it could be covered from A's side. He has a lot to think about and seeing his reaction and emotions might help.

Overall in the story, I wonder if we're getting this dramatic event too soon? I don't often say that, but I wonder if we need one more chapter of setup to show more about how the city works and where the Mi. are placed in it. I don't think I have the required information to know why A getting this power is such a big thing.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: placement. Since this is a different POV, I think we need to set where/when we are a little better.

pg 1: Lol. I think the joke here might be funnier than the actual punchline.

pg 3/4: something's off in this exchange and I don't know what. Maybe we don't get enough of C's emotion?

pg 5: ah, we're back with A's POV. I wonder if the first section can be told from that POV as well? Might make it easier to understand why he's having trouble communicating?

pg 5: would A have the technical words to describe what's happening here?

pg 6: M seems eager to explain. Can A ask why the others can't hear him?

pg 10/11: This is a good sequel to what happens, sort of summing things up. I think we're seeing a lot of things happen though, and not a lot of reaction. I think the emotions and reactions need to be unpacked through here, especially if you're using two POVs. There are a lot of suggestions about what's going to happen and we don't yet know enough about the city to understand what it means.

[ginger_reckoning Bloodsealer]

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Overall in the story, I wonder if we're getting this dramatic event too soon?

That is an interesting suggestion. It is valid, but I also worry that if I put too much stuff before this point, then it will lose potential readers. And structure-wise, I'm not really sure how I could squeeze in a scene. I will need to give this some more thought. 

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: ah, we're back with A's POV. I wonder if the first section can be told from that POV as well? Might make it easier to understand why he's having trouble communicating

I was having some of the same thoughts as well, but thought it would be better to establish C as a viewpoint character earlier on. Though, I could potentially see maybe a scene with C as the viewpoint before this point might solve this problem and the one above. Maybe a scene with C scouting before this? Though I worry that might be a little info-dumpy. IDK. 

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Lol. I think the joke here might be funnier than the actual punchline

Oh, certainly lol

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: would A have the technical words to describe what's happening here?

There was a line in the previous chapter noting that M helped him understand what DNA and cells were, but maybe I can restate that here, too

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think the emotions and reactions need to be unpacked through here, especially if you're using two POVs. There are a lot of suggestions about what's going to happen and we don't yet know enough about the city to understand what it means.

That's fair

Thanks Mandamon!

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

The POV shift was surprising, and it took me a minute to figure out what was happening. 

Pg 3-4- Now that I've figured out the whole POV shift I'm actually quite liking it. It's interesting to have A get his powers, and then have the reaction of someone other than him meeting him right after.

Pg 4-7 The shift from C to A was smooth, but the shift from A to C didn't work quite as well for me. It was a couple of paragraphs before I realized that the POV shifted.

Overall I liked how this chapter was paced. I moved through it quickly without slowing down anywhere. The POV shift especially at first was surprising, but I felt that it worked well. The only thing I'm not entirely on board with is that it feels like C is being set up to be a secondary protagonist, and there hasn't really been set up for that (As far as I've noticed.) I'm enjoying having a second opinion on A's powers.

I did feel like not a lot happened in this chapter. C's reaction to A, A healing R, and A healing the injured were both good points, everything else didn't feel very important.

Hope this helps!

 

[ginger_reckoning Bloodsealer]

15 hours ago, FlowerGirl said:

Pg 4-7 The shift from C to A was smooth, but the shift from A to C didn't work quite as well for me. It was a couple of paragraphs before I realized that the POV shifted.

That's good to know. I will work on making that smoother.

 

15 hours ago, FlowerGirl said:

The only thing I'm not entirely on board with is that it feels like C is being set up to be a secondary protagonist, and there hasn't really been set up for that (As far as I've noticed.) I'm enjoying having a second opinion on A's powers.

15 hours ago, FlowerGirl said:

I did feel like not a lot happened in this chapter. C's reaction to A, A healing R, and A healing the injured were both good points, everything else didn't feel very important.

Thanks! Maybe not a secondary protagonist, but definitely another viewpoint character. It's good to know which parts I can trim down, as well. 

Thank you flowergirl!

 

 

[Silk Soulcaster]

As I read:

“…hunger was embarrassingly high up on the list.” Nice – a very human reaction here. Not sure we then need two more sentences about it, though.

P4 “C felt a calming presence…” feels like there is a lot of telling rather than showing happening in this segment. I think there is plenty of room for the emotions here to be punched up.

P9: “How does being in the jungle change…” I know the joke is supposed to be a stretch but it’s gone entirely over my head.

C is asking … a lot fewer questions than I would be, I think.

P10 “N, the older of Y’s surviving sisters…” we had an explainer of who N was in the last chapter, so I’m not sure we need another here.

Would A and C normally be invited to a meeting like this? Or is this a result of A’s new status? Neither A nor C is reacting to the invitation, so can’t I tell. 

Overall: I’m enjoying the relationship between A and M so far, but I didn’t feel a very strong emotional connection to any of the events this chapter. It didn’t feel like the characters themselves were doing a lot of reacting to the fairly major things that are happening, which I think is why I felt a little disconnected from the action.

I'll also echo the comments that I was a bit taken aback by the POV shift. Partly we're far enough in that I think if I was expecting one, I would have expected it sooner, and partly as Mandamon says I'm not fully sure we've yet justified the need for a second POV.

[ginger_reckoning Bloodsealer]

11 hours ago, Silk said:

P4 “C felt a calming presence…” feels like there is a lot of telling rather than showing happening in this segment. I think there is plenty of room for the emotions here to be punched up

Good point, thanks

11 hours ago, Silk said:

P9: “How does being in the jungle change…” I know the joke is supposed to be a stretch but it’s gone entirely over my head

Yeah, probably gonna delete this on the next pass. It's extremely juvenile anyway

 

11 hours ago, Silk said:

I’m enjoying the relationship between A and M so far, but I didn’t feel a very strong emotional connection to any of the events this chapter. It didn’t feel like the characters themselves were doing a lot of reacting to the fairly major things that are happening, which I think is why I felt a little disconnected from the action.

Noted

Thanks Silk!