Reading Excuses - 12/12/22 - JWerner - The Witch and the Ostrich, ch. 1 (revised) - 2896 words (S, L, G)

[JWerner Noble]

Hello,

 

I've started working on the next draft of The Witch and the Ostrich. I've made some revisions to the first chapter to address the most prevalent criticisms, namely, the motivation/reasoning for the plot.

 

Right now, I'm planning to add a new scene to chapter 3 based off the major addition to this chapter, and tweaking other scenes accordingly. I'm not planning to resubmit the entire novella; I just want to get a feel of whether this is a step in the right direction.

 

Lemme know. Thanks!

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

I think this does a much better job of setting up the story. We've still got the great humor and character elements, but also some good worldbuilding additions. I think this will help the story a lot.

Notes while reading:

pg 2: "This assignment is what’s paying both the rent. You know?"
--Better goal for them with this line. There's a word missing, though.

pg 3: "He liked to insist that it spoke to his productivity as a freelance practitioner of the mystic arts."
--Ah. Is this new? So F is also a reporter?

pg 6: "to make sure that his one chance of returning to human form didn’t kick the bucket"
--Another good reason for them to be together.

pg 8: "She wondered if Her Majesty’s stupid contract had a clause for that"

--Nice. Another way to set up their relationship.

pg 9: "She felt her heart skip a beat as she read it:"
--another good piece of setup. Ties in well to later revelations.

pg 10: The part about E explains about the witches right off the bat. Much better.

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Overall, mostly agree with Mandamon on this one. I think the added elements give this a much better hook and explain some of the elements of the world, like the other witches and the Queen, a lot better. I am interested to see how Q knowing this information much earlier will change the story.

I was a little disappointed that some of my favorite jokes from the last draft got cut, but its probably for the best to make it a little tighter, and the stuff we still do have is still funny. I do think that the tone seems a little less whacky and off-the-wall than last time, which isn't really good or bad, just something I noticed. That could also be influenced by the fact that I've read over this chapter several times now, so who knows. 

 

Opening the doc now!

Pg 1

I don’t remember the first version of this exactly, but it seems like this opening paragraph flows slightly better, which is good

“necromancer ostrich” still funny lol

“found myself, yet again, found myself” not sure if this repetition of “found myself” is intentional or not

“one particular” nice

Pg 3

“I wasn’t the worm” Haha very nice

Pg 4

“necromantic prowess so-called” not sure, but should it be “so-called necromantic prowess”?

Pg 8

“F something of a S mascot…” F was something of a

Btw I haven’t made as many notes this time around because I’ve been very engaged. I like how there’s a little more foreshadowing to the Queen and Q being a reporter

Pg 9

Oooh, very nice with the note

Yeah, I like this a lot more as a hook for the rest of the story, and it establishes the other witches a lot earlier which is nice

[JWerner Noble]

35 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:

“found myself, yet again, found myself” not sure if this repetition of “found myself” is intentional or not

Nope, that's a mistake. I fixed it the other day. 

[Robinski Rambleman]

Hi, sorry, I'm too far behind on pretty much everything to be starting again with something.

I will however put up comments on the 'new' chapters subbed, as I'd like to read on.