Reading Excuses—11/21/22—JWerner—The Witch and the Ostrich, ch. 7 & 8—5105 words (S, L, V, G)

[JWerner Noble]

Hello,

Here's the latter half of chapter 7 and chapter 8 for this week. 

Last time, Q went to retrieve her gun in the hopes of killing B, the vampire who stole F's powers. Upon reuniting, Q reattached F's severed head to his body, and they fled the area. 

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

"Q kept mum." This seems like a typo.

"After a few shakes to jostle his brain back into alignment," This seems odd. Knocking his head on the ceiling wouldn't put his brain out of alignment. I could see this as an exaggeration, but shaking his head back into alignment doesn't seem like the right response. 

"put it in writing and everything." It's good to finally know why Q and F have been traveling together, but personally, I think It would be nice to know a little earlier on.

"With a gun that, being a woman and therefore incapable of properly handling a firearm." He did not just go there.

"He had to, having no hands and all." F seems pretty ok with being of ostrich. It seems odd that he wasn't made more of an effort to be changed back. 

"and nothing came to her. And QW continued to die." And is used twice, reading this felt a bit clunky.

Pg 11-I'm wondering what Q's backstory is. If she's such a powerful witch why is she a journalist? How did she get to this point?

"How many centuries back did he send feminism--" I'm glad to see this addressed.

"You’re lucky that Her Holy Majesty’s not her mother." Your mother?

"FN" This is a nickname F gave, it seems odd that Q would come up with the same nickname unless F shared it with her.

Nice cliffhanger.

Overall I enjoyed these chapters. I really liked seeing the other witches. I also like how the sunspots have been repeatedly threatened, and are entering the story. I found that satisfying. I was quite annoyed with F for his jab at women and was glad when Q addressed it. Thanks for sharing, I can't wait to read the next chapter!

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

I liked seeing the other witches in this chapter, as well as getting a bit more explanation about the world, and the situation with F and Q. I don’t really have many other notes on this other than why the queen would think to try to reform such a dangerous criminal, but that is also called out by the characters. Dialogue was good as always, and I’m excited to see what will happen! Though I will note that the cliffhanger doesn’t work as well as I think it could, since the gun is almost guaranteed to not work since we just barely had the stakes elevated once again. I would rather see the gun not work, and have that be the cliffhanger. Though who knows? Maybe it will work as expected

 

Pg 2

“Nun’s legs” lol

“Sardonic moaning” I don’t get this. Why would he describe his own speech as moaning? It puts him in a bad light, which does not seem like something F would do

“I hardly think” lol

Pg 4

Loving the dialogue here so far. I like the phrase “drop of acid” but describing it as burning through her tongue makes it sound like it hurts her more than him

Pg 5

“boilerplate” lol

“Wanted him for him” this seems a bit delusional, even for F

Pg 6

“Why haven’t you used it yet” that’s what I’m wondering…

Pg 7

This is the second use of caterwauling in the chapter. Not necessarily bad, but noticeable

“He was still…” this is why I was assuming he was sticking with Q, so she would turn him back into a human

Pg 8

Hah! Okay, I was not expecting checkov’s foreskin

Pg 12

“She took a patch…” to me this is unclear if she is actually affecting the stars with her magic or not, though I do like the imagery.

Pg 13

“The one land-based mammal” An ostrich is not a mammal.

Pg 15

“not her mother” not whose mother?

 

 

[Silk Svrakiss]

So rather than attempting to fully catch up on all submissions, realizing that folks have probably received plenty of feedback in the interim, I've decided just to read up to the most recent submission for everyone and start there. Hopefully that helps me keep up with future submissions. BUT I did make some very brief notes about the chapters prior to to this, which I'll put behind a spoiler tag so you don't have to scroll forever to get to this week's feedback.

Spoiler

·         P1 going to be picky only because first sentence: I like all the content, but I wonder if the sentence can be broken up? It’s long enough that it felt like a bit of a barrier to entry. (Also, speaking of “bits,” note the repetition of “bits” in this sentence.)

·         Well, you definitely have my attention with this ostrich situation.

·         Worth noting—and I only learned this myself earlier this year—the word “m*ron” is actually a slur. Doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t use it, but FYI.

·         P2 Mild confusion, though probably nothing that can’t be answered later, but … does one failed resurrection constitute a complete de-powering? Alternately, if F already knew he was de-powered, why try a resurrection this time? In fact, I’m curious about why they needed to resurrect the highwayman at all.

·         I’m enjoying the dynamic between F and Q so far.

·         That said, I’m struggling a bit to picture the setting. A lot of the small details we’ve been given – highway men, silver, gladiators – suggest that the setting is historical-ish, but we haven’t been given anything major that confirms that, and the tone of the dialogue is very modern.

·         Very curious about this review-writing business and how it fits into the rest of the setting.

·         The “feathery periscope” analogy is great, but feels off for the ending of a chapter.

·         The conversation between J and B is funny, but doesn’t feel any more impactful than that. I’m starting to skim to look for stakes/forward motion.

·         It took B a long time to get around to actually asking about the explosion.

·         Line by line, I enjoyed the writing in this section!

Chapter 3

·         Is there more to this place than the shantytown described? Otherwise I’m wondering why they have wealth enough for guards and walls and gates.

·         P3 I forgot for a moment that F wasn’t speaking out loud. Maybe a reminder here when he speaks to Q?

·         B and J really did not challenge Q and F on their entrance to the city in any significant way, which makes me think 1. that this is likely to come back and bite B and J in some way, rather than being and obstacle for Q and F, and 2. that B and J are not especially good at their jobs.

·         “like a disappointed mother” is another great line.

·         It’s good that we’re seeing Q finally do the thing that she apparently came here to do, but I still don’t really understand why it’s important, other than in a vague “she’s a reporter I guess?” way

·         “…conquer Qw and use it as a base of operations…” wait, wasn’t he joking? I thought he was joking. I apparently don’t have a good sense of how serious F is.

·         Q finding the thing in the hallway makes me think F has been kidnapped or something, to which Q’s reaction seems massively understated. Also, I think some foreshadowing before this point would be helpful; I’ve felt no sense of danger up until now.

o   Edit: Okay, so… she’s genuinely glad he’s gone? I’m having a real struggle piecing together when these characters are joking vs. when they’re not about how they feel about each other, what they’re doing, etc. And I still think there needs to be more foreshadowing.

Chapter 4 and 5

·         I am really starting to wonder about F’s fascination with penises.

·         Okay the Dark Lord of wherever being a democratically elected ostrich is pretty hilarious.

·         They did say “steed,” so given F’s irreverence and general unconcernedness with things in the previous chapter it’s a bit odd that he’s suddenly apparently so genuinely worried about being eaten.

·         Maybe an article title or something aside from the font change to indicate what it is we’re actually reading? I didn’t realize until the end that this was a draft journal article from Q.

o   Also, the description is vivid but goes on long enough that I was antsy for things to start happening about halfway through.

·         I’m having trouble suspending my disbelief that people don’t recognize this is, if not necromancy, at the very least very wrong and bad.

·         Yeah, I definitely think we need more foreshadowing, a greater sense of menace, before this violence happens. This vibe that F (and Q) gives off is pretty light and jokey so even though he’s made comments about conquest and such before, this feels very much out of nowhere. I think a little more dread from F at the end of this chapter would help too.
 

Chapter 6 and 7

·         Can Q not do much magic outside of using the Metas? 

·         If Q has gotten as far as the guards, how have they not noticed something else is wrong?

·         This is a long monologue from F at the start of Ch6…

·         I’ve been enjoying the light tone and wacky antics so far, but at this point, it’s starting to feel like they’re getting in the way of the apparently Very Bad Things that are actually happening. F’s long monologue and dancing body, and Q not knowing how to load her gun, are both examples.

·         The guards are very calm about this whole zombie thing.

·         I feel like could have gotten to “I need my gun, let’ go fight bad guys” way quicker.

·         (start at ch7)

·         P15: this is the first time we have seen Q do any magic of any sort. If she had not indicated that she was 70-odd years old so, I probably would have started assuming the “witch” thing was a front by now.

Onto this week. If you’ve already read the bullets above I know I’m retreading ground here, but I do want to point what’s colouring my view as I come into this sub: The wacky antics, which I started off quite enjoying, now feel like they’re getting in the way for a few reasons:  1. It feels like we are spending a little too much time on banter/antics and not enough on actual plot progression; 2. It’s beginning to feel like none of the characters actually know what they’re doing and 3. In the most recent chapter, the tone feels like it’s clashing with what’s actually happening on the page.

With that said, comments:

Bottom of p4, when Q starts swearing, at first I thought something bad was happening but she’s just doing an impression of the Queen?

P7 It seems to be taking an awfully long time for these zombies to become an actual problem for anyone…

P8 okay, the bit here with the zomified innkeep is good. Maybe just a little bit more build up to this point?

P9 “…for the priests to have cast this particular talisman aside.” Confusion. This is a talisman he had long before the bird-napping priests, right? Did they leave this one behind specifically for some reason (while presumably taking his other stuff)? Or is this a different set of priests?

Also is F’s head still just balanced on top of his body? How’s it not fallen off by now? Did the decapitation have any lasting effects at all?

P11 “but the minutes dragged into hours… and Queensworth continued to die” I genuinely had the impression this place wasn’t big enough that people could continue dying for hours at this scale.

I’m also having a hard time getting a bead on how concerned Q really is about this zombie problem. She seemed legitimately angry/upset with F, insisted on getting and loading her gun, but now has gone back to her newspaper job and seems unconcerned. (Also, I think there is an opportunity for trimming some of the description, as the newspaper article more or less repeats what’s been said in the immediately preceding paragraphs.)

The bit where Q debates resigning from her court position reminds me that we actually know very little about Q or what her goals are.

Is J supposed to have more expertise than Q does? I can’t tell if she legitimately also doesn’t know these things or is being obtuse.

I think we need more info about the five and Q’s relationship for them for this call to have a full impact.

P18 Can Q see FN or not? Because it “sounds” like he’s going up backwards but Q seems to be looking right at him.

“Squeezed the trigger on a weapon that she’d…” good, but again for full impact I actually think this needs to come earlier. It might also help explain her reticence to fire the thing to begin with.

Overall: Mostly what I said at the start. I’m also not feeling a lot of urgency from Q to actually correct the zombie thing until the end of the chapter. But, I don't want to lose the fact that there are many parts of the dynamic I'm enjoying, as well as the line-by-line writing!

On 11/22/2022 at 0:20 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Hah! Okay, I was not expecting checkov’s foreskin

I would like to state for the record that this is an objectively amazing thing to have read.

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

I really enjoyed this submission. Good action, good dialogue, and good plot development. This is also where we start seeing some things that could be dropped in the first few chapters to get around the excessive joking and gags to let the reader know that more is coming.

On 11/24/2022 at 11:53 PM, Silk said:

Onto this week. If you’ve already read the bullets above I know I’m retreading ground here, but I do want to point what’s colouring my view as I come into this sub: The wacky antics, which I started off quite enjoying, now feel like they’re getting in the way for a few reasons:

I had similar comments before, but I feel the later chapters are revving up into an exciting book. I think most of this can be handled with editing on the next draft to balance out the first chapters with these.

Overall, I'm enjoying the characters, the dialogue, and the world!

 

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "Again. I respect you—"
--Really? Does either of them respect the other?

pg 4: ah. Well Q definitely doesn't respect F, but I thought it was mutual.

pg 5: "So I had to play babysitter until the Queen thought you turned over a new leaf."
--nice. Glad we're getting some more on that front.

pg 6: " If you really had that much power,"
--also a good question.

pg 9: I like that F is sort of being redeemed despite himself, but I think it needs to be supported at little more in the first few chapters to be really believable.

pg 11: "But the minutes dragged into hours, and nothing came to her."
--this is the second time Q's wasted hours with a dumb mistake when she could probably get out of it somehow. It makes her seem pretty incompetent.

pg 13: "one-land-based mammal"
--er, ostriches are birds, not mammals.

pg 13: Yeah, calling for the other witches makes it seem like she certainly has other options as well.

pg 18: I love all the stuff with the other witches. If there were a couple more hints in the earlier chapters about how much she doesn't want to talk to them, I think that would make this even better.

[JWerner Noble]

On 11/22/2022 at 10:10 AM, FlowerGirl said:

"FN" This is a nickname F gave, it seems odd that Q would come up with the same nickname unless F shared it with her.

Q came up with it, not F. 

On 11/22/2022 at 0:20 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Loving the dialogue here so far. I like the phrase “drop of acid” but describing it as burning through her tongue makes it sound like it hurts her more than him

Hah! Okay, I was not expecting checkov’s foreskin

“The one land-based mammal” An ostrich is not a mammal.

“not her mother” not whose mother?

That's a good point; I'll fix that.

I want that sentence framed on my wall.

Yeah, stupid mistake.

J's referring to Y the Second. So Y the Third's mum.

On 11/24/2022 at 8:53 PM, Silk said:

P9 “…for the priests to have cast this particular talisman aside.” Confusion. This is a talisman he had long before the bird-napping priests, right? Did they leave this one behind specifically for some reason (while presumably taking his other stuff)? Or is this a different set of priests?

How’s it not fallen off by now?

It's the one Q discarded in an earlier chapter. F's not aware that it was used to threaten Q/prove that he was kidnapped, so he just assumes that the priests got rid of it.

Magic. 

On 11/26/2022 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

-this is the second time Q's wasted hours with a dumb mistake when she could probably get out of it somehow. It makes her seem pretty incompetent.

She is pretty incompetent. She and F are two massive screw-ups.

Thanks for reading, everyone! I really appreciate it. After the next two (final) submissions, I'm going to go back through everyone's feedback and use it to improve the next draft.

Edited November 28, 2022 by JWerner