Silk Posted November 14, 2022 Report Share Posted November 14, 2022 No content warnings for this one. I plan on getting caught up on critiques, hopefully starting as soon as this week. I don't usually like to provide a lot of preamble to my subs, but recognizing that this not-speculative, not-fiction submission might not be everybody's bag, a few considerations: * Do the lyrics make sense? * Do they resonate? * Does everything seem to be in the right order? * Does the piece seem complete? Optionally, I've included a clip of the melody as well. Apologies for the even scrappier scrap recording than I intended. No accompaniment, because I didn't have time to put my guitar and recording gear back together - torn down to prevent the puppy chewing on them, of course. Anyway, if you choose to listen to the recording, comments on rhythm and melody are welcome as well. I will add at least one instrumental break, more likely two, between verses in the final product. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWerner Posted November 15, 2022 Report Share Posted November 15, 2022 I'll preface my criticism to say that I've only ever written one song (it was 16 measures long and had no lyrics, but this spurred me to listen to it for the first time in 7 years, so thanks for that!), haven't analyzed music since maaaaybe 2015, and was never much of a poet. Soooo your mileage may vary on my feedback. First off, in case you weren't aware, the lyrics sheet didn't 100% match up with the audio track. But you can always change either, so no biggie. * Do the lyrics make sense? —The one thing that I'm stuck on is that the penultimate line of each stanza leaves off with 'I'm.' I'm what? It feels off, like it doesn't mesh with the last line, the one consistent refrain. I'm waiting for you to continue the line. But if that's what you're going for, this sense of off-kilter, then hey, the hell do I know? Otherwise, yup, I can see what you're getting at, thematically. * Do they resonate?—Maybe? I'd like to consider myself pretty aware of my own shortcomings, so while I sympathize you/the narrator, I personally wasn't spurred emotionally. * Does everything seem to be in the right order?—I think that the first stanza does its job of immediately establishing what the song is about. While there's progression between the stanzas, I'm not seeing any cause-to-effect among them. You go from expectation, to physical exhaustion, to frustration, and then reconciliation/acceptance. How'd you get to that last stanza in particular? * Does the piece seem complete?—See above. I think, maybe, some new stanzas might be necessary to complete the narrative path. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 16, 2022 Report Share Posted November 16, 2022 Also not great on critiquing lyrics, but I have similar thoughts to @JWerner. My biggest thing was the hitch between "I’m" and "Nobody’s." I was sort of rationalizing it as "I am" nobody's perfect, meaning you can't satisfy everyone, but it still took some mental gymnastics to get there. I'm also not entirely sure what "but mine" is referring to. The lyrics definitely resonate, as it's a nice progression of "getting there." However, I'll second JWerner that there is a missing beat between "trying" and "reconciling." Maybe one more verse between 3 and 4? That's all I got... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted November 16, 2022 Report Share Posted November 16, 2022 I really liked the lyrics on this one! Some of the lines really resonated with me, such as "Get one thing right" and the following lines. So yes, I would say they resonate. I think the biggest thing (and it seems to be something brought up by the others) is the "I'm nobody's perfect" where perfect seems to be a noun. Now it could be a meta thing, where the lyrics aren't perfect just like the narrator, but I just didn't really understand, or maybe "nobody" is meant more like "no body". In any case, that was the biggest source of confusion for me. It does seems like the stanzas are in the right order, and to me it does seem complete. Good song! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted November 18, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 On 11/14/2022 at 5:22 PM, JWerner said: I'll preface my criticism to say that I've only ever written one song (it was 16 measures long and had no lyrics, but this spurred me to listen to it for the first time in 7 years, so thanks for that!), haven't analyzed music since maaaaybe 2015, and was never much of a poet. Soooo your mileage may vary on my feedback. I'm glad it spurred you to dig up your old stuff! And hey, it's not like I'm performing this stuff exclusively for crowds of musicians, so "layperson" feedback (for lack of a better word only) is as important if not more so than experienced songwriter feedback. I do have someone I can probably bounce this off for songwriter perspective as well, if she's willing. Hmmm. It seems like I have rather more work to do on this than I'd hoped, as it sounds like there's something central that isn't coming through yet. And I had really hoped not to add more verses... I wonder if I could get away with a bridge instead. If I'm able to make some changes fairly promptly (probably not, though, ugh) I might come back to this thread with some questions. Thanks for the feedback so far @JWerner @ginger_reckoning and @Mandamon! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 18, 2022 Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 Okay, this is going to be reeeeeeally unhelpful, but, I wouldn't change a thing. Lyrics are such a personal thing, and with 12-bar blues (indeed most forms of music, I think) you can pretty much fit the words to your melody and tempo as required. With this in mind, I think you have a great tune here. It's a bit short, maybe, but it would be entirely appropriate to have a instrumental break in there, if not two, which probably would take it to 3 some minutes, which I think is perfectly reasonable. Do you play the harmonica? Wee harmonics break in there somewhere would be perfect, IMO. Thanks so much for sharing 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 18, 2022 Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 On 14/11/2022 at 4:19 PM, Silk said: * Do the lyrics make sense? * Do they resonate? * Does everything seem to be in the right order? * Does the piece seem complete? 1) They do to me. 2) Yup, they dow with me 3) I don't see a great issue with it. 4) See above. I DEMAND a harmonica solo! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 18, 2022 Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 I see what the other comments are getting at in relation to the disconnect between "I'm... ...nobody's perfect, but mine." I did not get that at first, true. I think it's possibly because you don't hit "I'm" all that hard in the first verse, and it sounds a little like "Ah". I think it 'it' was more clearly "I'm" each time, or certainly the first time, that would address the issues, for me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted November 18, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 (edited) Thanks @Robinski! 4 hours ago, Robinski said: Okay, this is going to be reeeeeeally unhelpful, but, I wouldn't change a thing. Lyrics are such a personal thing, and with 12-bar blues (indeed most forms of music, I think) you can pretty much fit the words to your melody and tempo as required. With this in mind, I think you have a great tune here. It's a bit short, maybe, but it would be entirely appropriate to have a instrumental break in there, if not two, which probably would take it to 3 some minutes, which I think is perfectly reasonable. Do you play the harmonica? Wee harmonics break in there somewhere would be perfect, IMO. Thanks so much for sharing Totally, lyrics are extremely subjective and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to bounce it off a larger group like this. I think I could add another verse as others have suggested without messing anything up that's working for you, though as I alluded to before I'm sort of reluctant, because the format is so repetitive. It's one of the reasons I'm considering a bridge, but that's not a thing that 12-bar-blues usually does and would probably make the way I plan to arrange/perform the piece more challenging. 4 hours ago, Robinski said: 4) See above. I DEMAND a harmonica solo! lol. I actually do play the harmonica (well, I make noise on the harmonica - I'm certain real harmonica players hate me) but I only have a C harmonica and C might be a little low for this tune! Maybe if I just put it early in my set lists... 4 hours ago, Robinski said: I see what the other comments are getting at in relation to the disconnect between "I'm... ...nobody's perfect, but mine." I did not get that at first, true. I think it's possibly because you don't hit "I'm" all that hard in the first verse, and it sounds a little like "Ah". I think it 'it' was more clearly "I'm" each time, or certainly the first time, that would address the issues, for me. This is helpful, thanks. "I'm" is essentially a pickup note to the next phrase and I bumped it up because it made the refrain a little cramped, but I think the "white space" between the two lines is probably also contributing to the hitch folks experienced. Edited November 18, 2022 by Silk 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted November 18, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 (edited) Shard has for some reason decided it is opposed to paragraph breaks. New post to finish my thoughts... My plan for arranging/performing the piece, since it's come up, is actually to turn this into a loop arrangement with a trombone bass line and some shots over rhythm guitar. And then, yes, include an instrumental break for some solo work with the guitar and trombone.* I'm currently thinking a 12-bar interlude between verse 2 and 3 and a 24-bar interlude between 3 and 4, but not quite sure yet. That' d take it up to probably more like 6min... maybe I need to record two versions... * which does not exclude a harmonica solo... although really I'd need a chromatic harmonica for proper jazz and blues instead of my little C diatonic Since I'm thinking about it and Mandamon tagged it, was anyone else unclear on "nobody's perfect but mine", especially if I adjust the line to be more clearly "I'm nobody's perfect but mine"? I know what it meant, but in true songwriting fashion the grammar there is, to use my new favourite word, somewhat shonky. Edited November 18, 2022 by Silk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 18, 2022 Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 22 minutes ago, Silk said: Since I'm thinking about it and Mandamon tagged it, was anyone else unclear on "nobody's perfect but mine", especially if I adjust the line to be more clearly "I'm nobody's perfect but mine"? I know what it meant, but in true songwriting fashion the grammar there is, to use my new favourite word, somewhat shonky. I was unsure until I heard the whole thing, then I got it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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